It's Only Spoken In Whispers (8715)

"I thought we'd never get here." The words were low in timbre, striking because Kurogane had never heard the other man's voice that deep. All the humor brushed away like the well worn armor it was, leaving something serious, something sincere behind.

The fragility of it sunk inside Kurogane. Plunging the fathoms, plucking those once despised threads that wound so close to his heart. He never thought they'd get there either. Gripping hard at pale, limber arms, he sucked in a harsh breath and had to force himself not to release the exultant laugh teasing the back of his throat. His lips curved, however, in tiny concession.

They drank from each other. They stood, foreheads touching in an ancient reaffirmation of life that had nothing to do with sex, or even the tenuous bonds of friendship. It had everything to do with love.

The rain continued to fall outside. It slapped at the windows like a wild flutter of piano keys.

Maybe Kurogane's boots were wet and mud covered from the front lawn, and he felt a momentary twinge of guilt at the dirt he'd tracked on the carpet, but it was swiftly eclipsed by the warmth that stole inside him at the sound of Fai's breaths. The feel of his skin under his fingertips.

Years had passed with them apart from each other, and though some things had changed, the most important things had not.

Fai still smelled like vanilla incense and the sultry storms of Louisiana. He still made double chocolate cake every Friday night, the frosting Kurogane was sure had been smeared across his back where he'd bunched his t-shirt.

The sweet flavor lingered in Kurogane's mouth. Tasting Fai, tasting the thick, sugary treat.

Closing his eyes against a heavy swell of emotion, Kurogane slid his palms down the other man's arms, a warm caress from shoulders to wrists. He could feel the sluggish bump of a pulse.

It soothed and inflamed him all at once.

Smirking, his nose and lips sliding across a pale cheek, he peered out from under heavy eyelids. Fai's face was just a little flush, his eyes closed as well, a smudge of chocolate on his chin and a streak of flour across his nose. The damp tracks on his cheeks were just starting to dry.

"Moron. I knew we get here eventually." His voice rasped and he watched as a perfect pair of lips curled in a teary smile at the lie. Then he was graced with a laugh, a half choked sob of a laugh, but one all the same. It wrapped around his mind like steel bars and dragged at his gut like a hook.

It left him completely unable to escape.

He didn't want to. He never wanted to escape again.

Letter 12

Its different here. I can't really explain it in words. Most people are scared of us, the banner of the US, our weapons and the air of superiority. Except that kind of power feels terribly hollow when one of the guy's in my unit gets his head blown off, or I stumble across some little girl's body.

Is it terrible that I'm good at killing people?

The shrapnel had mangled his right arm pretty bad, and though it stung his pride, after a couple months in traction he'd been honorably discharged. A quick ride home on the government's dollar, Kurogane chose not to call anyone or make arrangements for a car. Even his mother was unknowing - though he still had a feeling she'd know - back home on the Bayou.

He'd meant to take a taxi, but then bumped into an old friend from boot camp and caught a ride with him instead. The man's father had a booming laugh and a warm eye as they'd piled into a beat up Oldsmobile, heading in the opposite direction of Kurogane's home town.

To a place further North with a tiny state college and an excellent marine biologist program.

"So who ya going to see first, huh?" His old buddy asked as they bumped down the Interstate, the tone of the land quietly shifting.

Kurogane had smiled a little and touched at the breast pocket of his coat. Where a certain worn photo, much folded and faintly scorched was kept. "Someone special."

His friend laughed and said he really wished he had one of those. Kurogane of course had wisely kept his silence as he'd turned to look out the window. The man hadn't asked so he wouldn't tell.

Letter 4

Funny how long it took us to get past all the stupid stuff. Several letters of gossip and news, things you've learned and the people you've met. I'm sorry I still haven't come up with a straight answer even with all the time that's passed. You'd think I'd be easy! Either I can't see you as a lover (but even that term sounds awkward and fished out of a damn romance novel) or I can, because really that's all it comes down to.

Emotionally we're closer than any other I've slept with and I guess that makes it even more frightening.

I can't stand thinking what the townies would say. What Yuui would say. Even what your mother would say.

Though there hadn't been a letter or news for two months, Fai tried hard to convince himself not to worry. Kurogane went a lot longer without writing sometimes.

Besides, he had his studies and finals to think about. It wouldn't do to let a couple bad dreams get the better of him - even if they were choked with dust and the sharp tang of blood, the sharp bee-like whir of bullets.

The pain filled phantom tingles that rang through his arm when he woke, gasping for air like a crazy person.

Kurogane's mother was a good woman and on his several visits home during the school year, Fai made it a point to stop by and talk with her. She would often accomplish what his own inadequate brush offs failed to do and tell him Kurogane was just fine. Would be fine, in fact, until he got home.

The very slight prevarication alarmed him, but at least he was convinced the man wouldn't die over there. Not before Fai got his chance to say everything he hadn't said in his letters, in words.

It simply felt too much like a cop out saying 'I love you' for the first time on a flat piece of paper. Expressionless and as dry as the ink that formed the separate letters.

No, just like Kurogane deserved to be put off in person, he deserved the answer in person.

The weeks passed and one Friday morning he woke up feeling immensely peaceful, like something good had come to him. Or returned to him. Perhaps Kurogane's mother was right and he did have a little witch in him - considering the distant relation to a certain Voodoo priestess and several slaves with Santeria in their blood hanging from his family tree.

He smiled brightly at his campus friends that day, the first sincere one for a while.

And picking up flour, some coco as well as a new container of baking powder, he returned home to his little apartment the same night instead of accepting an invitation to a party across town. He called his brother and chatted while he mixed up the ingredients - a chocolate cake every Friday night for his mama, god rest her - and almost hadn't noticed how well the light feeling in his chest seemed to imbue his every word.

"You're very happy today, aren't you?" Smiling as he poured some condensed milk into the frosting he'd whipped up, Fai was silent for a minute, brushing a strand of sweaty hair from across his nose. He then grabbed a towel and wiped some accumulated chocolate from off his fingers. A couple spoonfuls had already found their way down his throat and he was worried about eating much more.

He wouldn't be hungry for cake if that kept up.

"Yes, Yuui," he turned towards the speaker phone, smoothing down the shirt Kurogane's mother had seen fit to give him one lonely night when he'd been desperately hungry for a certain boy's scent, "I do believe I am."

Laughing, he turned to slide the round pans into the oven and at a sudden knock on the door, told Yuui he'd call right back.

To be honest, he just assumed it was one of the party goers, a lost tourist or one of his friend's come by to ask for homework help.

Letter 5

…on the subject of your concerns. There's a couple things I've come to understand being out here and wondering every day if I'm going to be gunned down or blown up. One is how little other people's opinions matter. I suppose I've known that most of my life, but only recently has it become so apparent.

I finally realize what my mother meant when she'd patch up the beatings the other kids would give me, her arms something warm and protective. She said "small town, small minds." And she didn't just mean our little town on the bayou.

And the second thing? Its how swiftly chances pass us. They come only once and stuck on our fears or past regrets we watch them go, mourning them the entire way. I've never been able to stand still, Fai.

I really hope you won't either.

War wasn't all those encouragements his teachers and friends had given him. It wasn't even the buddies he'd made during training, or the way the officers had beaten him down and made him part of something new. It wasn't even the lewd stories, the jokes they'd shared while nursing aching bodies and surviving endless drills.

No, it wasn't anything like that.

It was foreign grit and foreign dust in his lungs. Adrenaline an almost constant flood in his veins, and the all too familiar weight of a gun in his hands and the long forgotten weight of the gear on his body. It was the days of little sleep and brief spanses of time he would allow himself to think of something other than the villages they rode through, their disturbing silence, the ambushes or even worse.

Worse was the lone fanatical striding out to meet them with the gleam of terrifying faith in their eyes, no weapon or defense in sight. A civilian or a well packaged bomb? He never blamed the other guys in his unit, they'd all been guilty of miscalculations, but still he couldn't keep from blaming himself.

It wasn't pretty, it wasn't neat. Yet in a twisted and refreshing change of pace, Kurogane found it was something he was good at. His accuracy with a gun was pin point and a certain quirk of character left him easily able to compartmentalize. He felt no mercy or regret when they were in front of him threatening his units lives, baring down on him with their own weapons.

But when he was alone, the weight of so much blood pulled heavily. Lying on a bunk or just resting somewhere, sometime, staring at the over folded photograph in his pocket. The picture with a torn edge and spotted from a spill with his water bottle.

He would think some on his mother, but mostly he thought about Fai. About the last things they'd said to each other. About his voice, his eyes.

The first letter had come only a few months after he'd left. It surprised him so much, the familiar return address and elegant, looping scrawl, he'd let it sit for three days until finally, calling himself an idiot, he tore the thing open.

They hadn't left each other on the best terms and he was willing to swallow any pretty worded put downs - Fai would never curse him outright no matter his level of anger or disgust - Kurogane could survive it, just as long as he could hear that lilting voice in his head again. Perhaps even keep some part of their friendship intact.

Certainly what he'd expected was nothing like he'd read on paper.

It made him chuckle sometimes, out of no where, when he remembered the words.

I wasn't sure how to begin this. So with that in mind, I decided to start it by telling you I wasn't sure how to begin this. I figured you'd appreciate my honesty. You always did.

It's strange now that your not here. You and me Kurgs, we always had a different kind of understanding than I've ever had with anyone else. Even Yuui. That sounds terrible doesn't it? I guess I don't really care though, because I known you'll never tell anyone else what I tell you. I never did praise you for how good you are at keeping secrets.

Except I know you Kurgs, you're probably fidgeting by now and wondering when I'm going to get to the damn point. Am I going to roast your carcass in effigy or be as delicately gracious as I've always been raised to be? Shame on you. You know breeding always wins out.

That was a joke by the way.

Maybe I've been selfish. More than definitely I've been oblivious. I keep hearing these ridiculous, mushy songs lately - you know, the ones you always hated because they were all about personal suffering and it irked you how they never did anything about it. Just whined about their problems. But that's not the point either; I'm not writing to whine to you about anything.

No I'm just sitting here in the nice apartment I've leased, boxes in the corner that should be unpacked but aren't because I couldn't stand another second not getting this all out. You left to soon. To quick for me to fashion an answer. That wasn't very nice of you, and I will be expecting an apology. Not that you'll give me one, I'm sure.

Anyway, those stupid singers cry about not knowing what you had until it's gone, and well they've been bothering me like crazy too. I can't throw away ten years of friendship over something like this Kurgie. I especially can't because I'm not entirely sure of my own feelings regarding it.

I wasn't running from you. I'm sorry if you thought I was. Impatient as I know you are, will you understand I can't answer you honestly yet? Just know that I do want you to return alive and unharmed.

And even more, that you'll write back. I already knew the best I could expect, if I hadn't initiated something first, was a crappy post card. You sure wouldn't have emailed me.

My god, I know you better than myself sometimes. So I suppose I'll hold me breath a little. And even if you don't write back, I'm going to keep sending letters anyway.

I suppose I just like the idea of my words being near when I can't.

That's enough for now. To close to a confession for my liking.

- Fai

No salutation, no closing either and somehow it was hopelessly like Fai. Kurogane had agonized over the incomplete thoughts, the holes, what had been said and what hadn't for hours until finally he'd folded it up neatly and kept it tucked away with his stuff.

He wrote back, because the surprisingly settled feeling in his chest told him it was only a matter of time. Waiting out the moment Fai would come to the same conclusion he'd reached so long ago.

It was the best kind of reason to dodge bullets.

Letter 32

I went to a gay bar last night! I kind of wish you'd been there to share the experience with me, but at the same time I'm glad you weren't. The invite had come from one of the girls I go to class with - amusingly enough she reminded me of you - a tech major by the name of Souma. She's also a lesbian.

It was strangely liberating, talking and drinking with people who didn't know me and had no expectation of who I was or how I should be. Living in a college town really suits me, cooking my own food and not having to stare at the same panorama of the trees and the river as I'd done back home.

I really miss you. Is that a good enough answer?

There was only one eatery in town. A diner sort of place with leather seats at the long counter and scuffed wooden booths, where more than one couple scratched in their initials. Of course, none of the owners had the heart to paint over the nicked and dented tables. A little part of history, they'd say. It was romantic.

Kurogane always thought it was stupid.

Fai being who he was, tended to disagree. Sitting at the counter, coffee warm between his hands, Fai would admit they disagreed on most things, though it never caused them much bother. It was just one of the reasons they got on so well. They argued over a million subjects only to come to one they agreed wholeheartedly on, the annoyance somehow worth the wait. At least he'd always thought so.

Perhaps it was his friend's weird way of flirting.

Internally cringing at the assumption, but not for the obvious reasons, Fai stirred yet another packet of sugar into his coffee. The hustle of the early morning rush went on, food frying, pots whistling and Sakura - a distant cousin and a distant neighbor - hurrying around competently with a pen behind her ear and a smile on her face.

She'd refilled his coffee twice since he'd walked in. He hardly even noticed.

A couple people he knew from around town said hello, but wisely kept their distance when Fai offered nothing more than a vague smile. At the moment he didn't want any company. Tearing up a napkin he'd been fiddling with, he relented that was a lie because he did want someone to join him. Someone specific though.

Except at the same time Fai wasn't sure he could stand to be around him, even if he was there.

Glaring a little at nothing, he silently cursed his best friend for doing this. Making things ridiculously difficult only days before the man was supposed to leave, or more - Fai glanced idly at his watch - hours before he was supposed to leave. It made him feel guilty for ignoring the consistent vibration in his back pocket.

Kurogane had called no less than a hundred times since they'd parted ways on prom night.

With a miserable sounding sigh, he dragged a palm down his face and restlessly tapped his spoon against the coffee mug.

What the hell was he supposed to say? The man had dropped a bomb on him from out of no where.

At least it seemed to be out of no where.

"I'm not who you want to be with tonight, Fai," Chi's voice echoed so clear in his head, he would swear she was still standing in front of him, as she'd been on that night a week ago. He'd breathed in her scent, a very light, floral perfume - soft, like gardenias. The charged stillness of a storm about to come had threaded the air and Fai recalled his confusion, frustration. His bone deep weariness.

And below that a strange kind of complacency. He'd felt absolutely no reason to argue or resist, because in the end his ex-girlfriend had been right.

He hadn't wanted to be at the prom, or on his way to that motel room afterwards. He'd been tired of making love to Chi and knowing there was no further depth of emotion than what was felt between casual friends.

To be honest all he could think about was grabbing a beer and playing pool with Kurogane until the sun came up. Maybe driving out to one of the old plantation fields and making a game of touch football in celebration of their escape from school, from regimented routine.

Swallowing thickly, Fai felt something wrack through his system then that left him hot and miserably cold. He pressed shaky fingers into his eyes. Completely unable to figure out what was happening inside him.

Chi, he remembered, had handed back the little white corsage he'd given her, before tucking herself into her sister's dark blue Mazda and driving off.

While Fai had done the only thing he'd known how to do. He called his best friend because he remembered there was something Kurogane had been trying to talk to him about and he'd been blowing it off for a while. He'd merely thought anger a nasty way to end school and wanted their last summer together to be a good one.

Lies. He'd been lying to himself. The only reason he called Kurogane was because he hoped the man would explain to him how to feel about getting dumped - and maybe just sit with him a while.

His friend had the steadiest presence he'd ever come across.

"You wanna muffin or somethin,' Fai hunny?" Looking up at the sound of a gentle voice, Fai smiled into equally warm though concerned green eyes. Sakura had a plate in one hand and a hot pot of coffee in the other, topping off his cup with the efficiency he'd come to respect in her. She hadn't always been so sure of herself.

At the moment Fai would happily sell his soul for a little of that self-confidence.

He felt his phone go off again.

Closing his eyes on a wave of longing - for a time before this craziness, for Kurogane, maybe even a little for his grandpa and mother, though the sting of their passing had long since dulled - Fai let himself exhale slowly. "No. Thank you, Sakura."

Nodding her head, though her expression still showed concern, she moved off to serve the next customer.

He reached out and grabbed another packet of sugar to stir into his coffee.

It was the dull prickle at the back of his neck that alerted him he'd been ferreted out and would no longer have the time to figure an answer. He could probably blame his no account, nosy ass brother for that one.

"Yuui say you be here." The corner of Fai's mouth lifting a little, he figured he'd really called that one. Pushing back the luke warm coffee he'd hardly touched anyway, he rested his elbows on the counter and threaded his fingers together, before dropping his chin on the backs of his hands.

Kurogane didn't sit, but from the corner of his eye, Fai could see the coiled energy of his movements. The irritation and disappointment written so clearly across his face.

It made Fai's stomach tense horribly.

Whatever he'd tried to force from his mouth - to be honest he had no idea what he needed to say - was abruptly cut off when Kurogane grabbed him roughly by the arm and started dragging him towards the door.

A couple people stared, but most everyone else hid their laughter. Another fight between the town blood brothers. They'd have a row every now and again, which usually ended with scrapped knuckles, a black eye and a bloody nose or two.

Except they were always best friends after. Always.

Fai still said nothing even while he was being shuffled outside and into Kurogane's dark gray pick up, the door slamming loudly behind him. He just hunched a little and stared through the windshield as the other man climbed in and gunned the motor.

Though he appeared laconic and perhaps slightly uncaring, Fai didn't fail to notice the duffle tied up in back or the papers stuffed neatly into a manila folder between the seats. It wasn't some joke all of a sudden, or a half cocked idea.

Kurogane really meant to leave before Fai had a chance to sort things out in his head. His fingers curled infinitesimally into the fabric of his jeans as they continued to roll out of town, heading nearer and nearer towards Fai's home on the plantation.

It felt suspiciously like the end of everything.

So like any well bred southern boy would do when the world was falling apart, he stuck to the banal pleasantries. "What about your car, then?" his voice was even as he laid a hand outside the open window, letting the hot wind curl itself like a ball into his palm. He refused to look over at his friend's face - not yet anyway.

Though Kurogane had always been the rough and wild river boy, he'd also been raised to respond in kind. Especially when he wasn't entirely sure what to say either. "I'm pickin' up Syaoran before I go. He drivin' it back to my mama's."

Fai nodded and pasted a small smile on his face. "He's a good kid."

Apparently what he'd done or said had been the wrong thing, because suddenly they were jerking to a stop in the middle of the road. Kurogane's knuckles bone white on the steering wheel.

Fai had to physically force himself to turn away from the motionless scenery and finally look at the other man. No matter how hard it was. The harsh sunlight was beating down through the windshield, reflecting brightly off the hood and obscuring Kurogane's expression in murky gray shadow. His eyes though, were as deep and open as they'd always been.

Burning with shallowly planted emotion, something that made Fai's insides shake. How had he missed the obvious for so damn long?

Though it was painfully inadequate, when Kurogane turned the power of that stare on him, Fai could barely form words. "I-I'm sorry. I just don't have an answer yet, Kurogane."

The absence of a nickname was noted and seemed to reflect in a heightened sense of pain in the other man's eyes. Fai wanted to reach out and punch him in the arm or smack him in the head, anything to relieve some of it. Maybe just give him hope, because there was always a chance.

Right?

Kurogane lowered his lashes, easily concealing any further emotion before Fai had a chance to read it. The pang this action caused was almost debilitating and he found himself wondering at it.

Suddenly the truck was moving again down bumpier roads, until they finally stopped at the very edge of the Flowright property. A familiar section of stone fence in sight under the grace of a large weeping willow, several dusk colored pieces of shale having fallen from the top and cupped in the tall grass.

Fai could still see Kurogane there, as he'd been so long ago, sitting on the broken wall, eyes searching restlessly for something in the distance. A scruffy kid who looked like he needed a friend.

"Maybe…"

Fai started a little at the man's half formed thought, breaking off with the memory and turning his head. Just enough to watch Kurogane out of the corner of his eyes. "If I come back, you answ'a."

Until the day he died, Fai would swear the only reason Kurogane had caught him off guard was because his heart had somehow frog hopped into his throat, unable to imagine a life without his friend some place in it.

He'd managed to suck in a breath. A strong hand gripped hard at the back of his head, pulling some of his hair out in the process - the other cupped around his shoulder and a dull brownish red was invading his vision. Getting closer until it was the only thing he could see.

It was only because he was confused, Fai told himself, because he was depressed. Scared, because his friend was traveling so far from him.

Then a pair of lips were smashing hard into his own, so easily touching that spot inside him Chi had never even grazed with a thousand sweet kisses. He lifted his hands about a foot into the air, bunched into tight fists ready to beat Kurogane for his indiscretion, but then the mouth softened.

Silently entreating, full of something so tender and warm, Fai could only shake a little and take what his friend was trying to give. He just had a feeling it would wound unforgivably if he threw it back in Kurogane's face.

It took every damn muscle in his body to keep from responding, to return what he was drinking in. The phantom sensation of a tongue dipping delicately into his mouth, before Kurogane broke off - tugging the door handle and practically shoving him out of the car.

Fai had curses ready to spew, but the other man was already ploughing up gravel as he reversed out of the lane. Leaving him to a lonely walk back to his grandparents house, Yuui's knowing looks and boxes that needed to be packed.

His chest hurt so bad he was surprised blood hadn't come pouring out of his mouth. It felt like his throat was on fire and his eyes stung horribly.

He didn't know what the hell was the matter - besides Kurogane kissing him goodbye, of course.

Why did it hurt? And why didn't it feel wrong?

He rubbed hard at his eyes before he turned and began the long march up to the house, still unable to answer any of those questions

Letter 21

You know what I miss? The scent of the river. The way it felt running from my mamas little shack on the bayou to the edge of your property. A burger and fries at the diner, piled with ketchup and fried onions. Sour pickles.

I really miss the good feeling I'd get just sitting with you on your balcony, counting stars. The sky for some reason, doesn't look the same here.

The silence in the room was stifling. Kurogane had pulled open the first two buttons of his shirt a while ago, the stiff material practically choking him as he continued to lean against the wall. His arms were crossed and he was glaring off to the side, not concentrated on anything in particular, simply caught up in the well of his own frustrations. For himself, for Fai, for fucking everything.

He felt a little sweat soak into his collar, slightly sticky with the gel he'd fingered into his hair a couple hours ago. Tomoyo told him there was no way in hell she was going through with their little sham if he wasn't at least camera friendly.

When he'd picked her up for prom he thought he'd done good considering the look on her face.

Except he felt like a trussed up monkey now, standing in a dingy motel room with his best friend, trying to figure out a way to explain his decisions - without having to explain anything.

Fai was sitting on the lumpy double, his dark blue suit unreasonably attractive against the tan comforter, hands fiddling with a delicate white corsage Kurogane thought he'd given his girlfriend. But its presence was swiftly brushed aside, because Fai hadn't spoken for ten minutes now.

Kurogane just announced he was joining the military, in fact would be leaving at the end of the week, and the other boy hadn't said word. Not a god damn blessed thing.

The air was steamy and damp, leaching through the cheap fly-by-night walls and saturating Kurogane's skin, along with the realization his confession was going badly. Very badly. His heart squeezed when he thought about the girl who belonged to Fai's pretty white carnation, and wished the air conditioner hadn't shorted out as soon he flicked it on.

He just didn't have the will or even the energy to move to the window and open it, because he was staring down the muted, uncertain future where Fai was nothing more than a distant memory. Sweet, yet not long forgotten. Closing his eyes at that, Kurogane squared his jaw and blew out an angry breath.

The squeaking sound of the mattress coils had him snapping them open again and watching as Fai shifted, face tilted away from him. As if he were hiding.

Like there was anything important to hide from him. Moving to cross his ankles, Kurogane turned a hard stare on the other boy, willing him to say something. Anything. It felt like the room had compressed down to a singular universe, only the two of them occupying the tight, unpleasant space.

He breathed in the heavy air and finally it happened. Fai opened his mouth. "Why?" he asked on a soft murmur, before his eyes were unshadowed by the odd lengths of his hair and he was staring hard at the far wall. So hard, Kurogane wondered if he saw something there no one else could see.

It wouldn't surprise him. His mother always said the other boy had witchy eyes, full of knowing, full of secrets.

Fisting the hands under his arms, Kurogane tried to get back to the point of their conversation. "b'cause I'm goin' no where fast, Fai. You off to dat nice college next year and I'll still be here, haulin' out supplies, paintin' houses and fixin' things. Knowin' all of them are laughin' behind my back." He swallowed, hating the way his stupid back water twang became more apparent when he was aggravated.

Fai didn't care, however. He never cared about silly things like that.

He looked over suddenly, catching Kurogane in the magnetic blue of his eyes. Deep and full of a million conflicting emotions, so much so Kurogane felt like he'd walked into something private.

He watched as the delicate flower was left on the bed when Fai stood, pushing a restless hand through his hair. "Don't you say that, Kurgie! Why would you say that?"

"B'cause it's true." No preamble, no segue, just blatant honesty. If Kurogane evaded now, he was sure he'd never get it all out, and it hurt enough admitting his own ignorance. He'd barely passed high school as it was. The army was his only way out.

He wanted to see things and do things that were outside their little town on the bayou. Maybe he hoped enough miles and emotional distance would cool the feelings stuck fast inside him, crawling around the walls of his heart.

Maybe he just hoped Fai would wait for him.

Hell, he didn't know what he wanted. "I can't stay here no more. I can't watch you smile at your girl and wish like hell it were me."

There. It was out and the squiggly, unpleasant thing in his gut had stopped squirming around, scared of the response, scared of being called a fag and just scared in general. Kurogane despised that damn fear and drawing in a deep breath, let it all go with an almost back breaking sense of relief.

He didn't really care if Fai returned his feelings - he tried so hard to convince himself of that - just as long as they were recognized, maybe even understood. It was tiresome trying to conceal something so inherent to the way he spoke, the way he acted.

Kurogane had no idea how other people did it.

Flicking his eyes up briefly, he stared into confused and faintly wary indigo and felt his stomach tie itself into a newer series of knots. "Kurogane…what do you mean? Explain more clearly, please."

Kurogane had always been jealous of that proper drawl, somehow perfectly refined even when the world was flopping on its axis. He'd never been able to match his rumbling train wreck of words that hinted at his mother's Creole to the other boy's clever tongue.

Yet another thing that seemed to separate them.

He tugged at his collar again, wondering if the buttons had some how managed redo themselves with how tight his throat was feeling. Maybe, he relented, that half-assed declaration wasn't as eloquent as he'd thought it was.

They stared at each other for a long time, Fai looking more and more uncomfortable with every second that passed. Kurogane felt like an intruder, the damn stand in, ruining what was supposed to be a happy occasion.

His eyes flickered towards the white flower on the bed. Chi was the one this room was meant for, she should've been there, smiling up at her boyfriend and ready for a night of love.

Except Fai had called him an hour after prom ended with a tired and oddly cheerless voice. There were things they'd been meaning to talk about - more, things Kurogane had to say - and since the room was rented up through the night Fai figured there was no use letting it go to waste. Practicality was always one of his virtues.

Shifting uneasily against the wall, Kurogane wished he himself had been practical enough to ready a speech or something before hand. He could read his friend's face like a children's book, and knew something serious had happened between him and his girl, but damn how it irritated him when Fai couldn't seem to look up long enough to get a grip on anyone else.

Sometimes there were moments his best friend would display an incredible amount of insight. Kurogane wished he'd hit on one of those moments.

"Kuro?"

What the hell was he going to say?

Swallowing over a bone dry mouth, Kurogane loosened his stance, dropping his arms to his sides and curling sweaty palms into fists. He made sure they weren't shaking in the least.

A fatherless man with a mother like the always changing river, he'd taken care of himself most of his life - and he would face this as he'd faced everything before.

"Is been a long time comin' Fai," he growled, tired of looking away and meeting the other boy's stare head on, "call me a fag, call me whateva you want, but before I leave you gonna know how I feel."

It was like the crappy little motel room had become even smaller at the rush of power behind his words, the still distant rumble of thunder a relief. Like maybe it would break through the puddle of air that had begun to stagnate around them.

Fai broke off their staring contest first this time, and Kurogane couldn't help feeling darkly vindicated by it. He watched as his friend fidgeted uncomfortably, restless hands moving to tuck themselves into his pockets.

"W-what?" he tried to brush aside the hugeness of what Kurogane said with a slightly hysterical laugh, still refusing to meet their eyes.

The night had been long in the first place, and god almighty was he beginning to feel it slug into his muscles. Pushing off from the wall, lightening flashed in the dark outside as he bridged the gap between them, until he was standing right in front of the other man.

He'd still beat him in height by a few inches.

"I love you, stupid," he rumbled, even though the words could effectively destroy him if Fai chose it, "Like a man loves a woman, or woman loves a man. And I jis need you ta know." It was quiet for a long time, before the inevitable came and he simply had to ask, unable to do anything else.

"And I nees some kinda answ'a by the time I go," then as more of an afterthought he tacked on a please.

It was apparently the please that sent Fai over the edge, laughing and cussing in shock while he stumbled towards the bed. Where he just sat there and lapsed into an uncomfortable silence.

Kurogane could tell by the set of his friend's shoulders he wasn't welcome anymore. At least not now and though it hurt like a rip of fire through his veins, he pulled angrily at the tie still hanging around his neck and walked steadily out the door.

He had a week, and a week would be long enough.

Letter 63

How did you know, Kurogane? How did you know you were in love with me? Maybe it'll help me figure out my own feelings.

"I know my brother pretty well, Kurogane."

Lifting another three twenty pound bags of rice on his shoulder like it was nothing, Kurogane didn't respond as he walked out of the store and hefted them onto Fuuma's delivery truck. It was an ugly rust colored Chevy, but it got the job done. Turning with a deep scowl in place, he stared at Fai's twin brother and rubbed some of the sweat out of his eye with the back of his wrist.

Yuui was a pain in the ass, but he loved Fai which was the only reason Kurogane tolerated him as much as he did.

"Well, considerin' you shared womb space, I'm not overly surprised by dat," he growled dryly, fidgeting a little as he planted his hands on his hips in a gesture of male impatience. There was work to be done and he had plans for the twenty bucks a day he got for it.

Even though Fuuma was a pretty laid back boss, Kurogane wanted to make sure he'd finished loading up before the man returned. It usually earned him a soda or two.

Yuui, of course, didn't move an inch. "Ha, ha. Your so funny," crossing his arms and with an inscrutable look on the face Kurogane had grown so very familiar with over the years, Yuui frowned, huffing. "Look, I know the only reason he's going out with Chi in the first place is because you planted the damn idea in his head. He doesn't even like her like that! He's miserable. I see it in his eyes everyday."

The saddened fade of words made Kurogane shift uncomfortably, guilt riding hard on his conscience. He really hated being reminded of his own weaknesses.

Talking him into dating the gentle choir girl had been for the good of them both, really. Fai could have the kind of relationship he'd always deserved and Kurogane -

He could stop thinking about the other boy every five minutes, listing all the reasons in his head why they belonged together. Even though the idea of being called a queer left his mouth bone dry and his palms so sweaty he had to wipe them on his pants, his stomach twisted into painful knots.

He wasn't ready to face that yet, but once he was, Chi would be absent from the picture and Fai would be standing before him. He would finally realize.

Saying nothing for a long while, Kurogane reached out and pushed Yuui bodily aside, intent on getting back to work. "If that's true, then he shouldn'a listened to me. Tell him to break up with da girl, I don't care."

Yuui wasn't able to do anything other than stumble out of the way. Keeping the grounds out towards the plantations and doing heavy lifting for the summer hadn't only earned Kurogane a paycheck, but a well developed body as well. It was stupid to get in a scuffle with him if you weren't ready for it.

Gripping at his hair in aggravation, Yuui pinned the guy in place with an angry stare. "You know I've told him that already! Yeah we're closer than close, bein' twins and all, but Fai's always made his own stupid decisions. And for some reason he thinks your opinion is the most important when it comes to them."

Kurogane felt that tight, slippery feeling in his gut rear its head again and he wanted desperately to end the conversation before it went any further. Scratching the sweaty skin of his stomach under his t-shirt, he moved to head into the store.

Yuui looked desperate, "Look, can't you -"

The rest of his words were drowned out by a sudden light laughter that erupted from across the street, a door swishing closed with a dull ting of a bell. It was followed by the sweet tones of a certain choir girl, and slowly, unable to help it, Kurogane found himself pausing to turn his head.

He didn't notice when Yuui's voice tapered off. Not even when the boy's eyes widened slightly.

Kurogane was too caught up in watching the harsh afternoon sunlight flicker across choppy strands of blonde hair, cascade down into light shadow on a delicately angled face. Blue eyes took on a stormy gray as they smiled down at the girl who walked beside him. Fai was saying something. His lips moved and Kurogane wished he could hear the words.

They hadn't spoken in a few days, busy with things, their lives. It unnerved him how much he wanted to hear his friend's voice again. Lifted in happiness or teasingly lilted as they watched the old houses and thick vegetation of the bayou pass by from the windows of Kurogane's truck.

He wanted it to be okay to be in love with him.

Watching, his heart clear as day in his eyes, Kurogane felt his pulse skitter when Fai looked up. Almost as if he felt the heavy caress of a gaze on him and like a magnet they called him to meet it unflinching, offering an answer.

Except Kurogane wasn't ready. Not yet, not yet, chanting in his head like a soul wrenching mantra. He'd never been a fearful person, never unsure of himself or his actions, and it grated hard being at odds with himself. His heart was afraid and his mind resented it.

Without a half smile or even a friendly hello, Kurogane averted his gaze and remembered he had a job he needed to do. Except when he looked up he met another pair of blue eyes, not quite the same depth or shade and they knew more than he was willing to except for himself.

Strategic retreat was what he called it, not running away.

Before he had a chance to disappear into the store, Yuui was touching his shoulder and speaking in the quiet tones of understanding. Dusted with sympathy. "Sorry. I get it now," a heart beat passed, then two, "but maybe you should talk -"

Growling, Kurogane shook the boy off and took another confident step forward. "Maybe you should stay out of it. Now I got work ta do."

As the angry young man continued inside, Yuui lowered his arm and slipped his hands into his pockets. Perhaps he'd felt it in his bones. Maybe it was just that gnostic connection between himself and Fai that sensed the twinges when their oldest friend entered the room, or it could just be the clear evidence of it on Kurogane's face, he wasn't sure, but that kind of love wasn't going to fade away anytime soon.

It worried him a little.

Turning around, and sensing his brother needed it, Yuui grinned and offered a mocking salute. Fai returned the smile, an impish curving of his mouth, but even from so many yards Yuui could tell it hadn't reached his eyes.

They remained gray-blue in the shadows, painted with a wealth of sadness. Not that anyone besides Yuui would notice - and perhaps Kurogane, if he wasn't so busy looking away, trying to hide his own feelings.

Standing there, Yuui wondered how you'd go about fixing something that felt doomed to begin with. They weren't living in the North after all.

Letter 64

…to be honest, I suppose I started realizing the truth the same summer I stopped watching for my father. You sort of took his place. God, I'm not explaining this right. It wasn't some weird transference thing, I didn't take the love that was unreturned from my father and give it to you, because I thought in some strange way you'd return it. Though in a way I suppose you did. As a friend at least.

I can't even write how I feel without messing this up as bad as I did when I left. Which reminds me…

I'm sorry I grabbed you like I did. I guess I was just trying to hold and keep some part of you, some part you've never given anyone.

"Ouch! Hey, Kurgs!" Hitting the ground with more force than was probably healthy, Fai clung fast to the ball in his hands. "This was supposed to be touch football, now. I think you've just bruised a bone or two."

Frowning at the sharp pain in his side, Fai wiggled around trying to dislodge the heavy body sprawled across his back. Except it wouldn't move and thought it would be funny to chuckle a little from the position instead. Fai could feel the sound vibrate through him, heavy with amusement.

He ignored the sudden squirming in his stomach.

Finally, after what felt like forever, the weight removed itself and plopped back on the ground, grinning madly while Fai had to painfully uncurl himself and sit up. He frowned at Kurogane.

"Uncalled for you know. Remember how little ol' me is just a runnin' back? And they have you there just to hit people?"

To be honest Fai thought fifteen was a horrible age, his limbs were overlong and though his shoulders had broadened out, Kurogane still massacred him in physical prowess. The guy was built like a tank and he didn't even need to swallow those stupid supplements to get it.

"Ah, maybe you run a bit faster now, runnin' back. Dis ain't no girl game." Laughing at his own joke, Kurogane deftly plucked the football out of Fai's hands and tossed it a couple times up into the air.

They'd both joined the team last year, something Yuui had felt a little left out over - but with chocolate cake apologies and some fierce needling Fai had managed to bring him around. Yuui would always have his place, just as Kurogane had his own. They both shared things that were unknown and unconcerning of the other, which was just fine with Fai.

He was easily shared like that.

"Asshole. You're just jealous because I get all the girls, while no one wants to get near your butt ugly face."

Scowling, Kurogane chucked the ball in his hands hard at Fai's chest. What? He snickered to himself, it was true.

"Ga jump in the Bayou, Fai," the other boy sneered, before leaning back on his hands in the tall wisps of grass. The ends had just begun to yellow under the sun and the field seemed barren for miles, but even so Fai had never felt alone with his friend near by.

Glancing idly at his watch, Fai suddenly smacked his head and groaned. "Hell, I got piano lessons in ten minutes! You gotta go watch for your daddy too!"

Sometime ago he'd learned what Kurogane was always doing up at the little bit of wall on the Flowright boundary. He was waiting for his father to come home and though Fai had assumed already the man was never going to come back, his friend still persisted in waiting. So sometimes Fai sat with him, or brought something to eat when it started getting on.

They'd spent more than a few nights with Kurogane climbing up the big whippy tree that was planted right outside Fai's room, the more agile boy leaping from a long branch and landing on the balcony. The dawn would paint streaks across the sky as they sat on the railing - talking sometimes or just lapsing into silence. Always with his friend looking down at the road and waiting.

Fai always kind of wished the other boy's daddy would show up.

Shaking his head and offering Kurogane a bright smile, Fai jumped to his feet and patted some of the dirt off his jeans. He waited patiently for the other boy to make a move, but after a minute realized he wasn't going to.

It looked like Kurogane was deep in thought, his muted eyes far away some where. "Not ta'day, Fai. My mama nees help fixin' da roof before da storm come in."

Fai stood stock still for a moment. Since they'd met his friend hadn't passed a single day without waiting a few hours if not the entire evening sat on the wall watching for his father. It unnerved him a little, but at the same time he felt something warm and faintly proud spread in his chest.

Acting more on childish instinct, since it was a favor he'd do for his brother with little thought, Fai leaned down and while one hand was planted on the front of his thigh, reached out with the other. Gentle, he pulled out stray bits of twig and blades of grass that managed to lodge themselves in Kurogane's dark mop. It only took a second, but for some reason it felt a lot longer.

Smiling through the sudden swell of nerves, Fai abruptly pulled back and shoved his hands in his pockets. He ignored the curious and oddly shuttered epression on Kurogane's face. It was nothing, so he wouldn't think about it.

With a hurried goodbye, he turned and strode across the field like he couldn't get away fast enough.

Letter 106

You know me so well, Kurgs.

I hate you for that.

"Mama, who's that boy?" A young Fai looked up into his mother's fair and even features, thinking while he waited that she must've been the most beautiful woman there ever was. He didn't as yet understand the reason why they'd left North Carolina to come here and live with Grandpa, but he did understand they'd left father behind and it had to do with Yuui's broken arm.

Even in his own head Fai couldn't speak the truth of the subject. Mother forbade him anyway.

Looking further across the field, the taxi cab slowly driving back down the lane, his mother frowned and glanced toward their grandfather, who was helping to gather their luggage so they could begin the moderate trudge to the house. Fai always loved it down in Louisiana, there was so much room for he and Yuui to run around and no one ever told them to keep near the house or anything.

Still he was curious about the boy who hadn't even moved from his perch on the little bit of stone wall that Grandpa said marked the edge of the property. Scruffy and dirt covered, with bits of grass and twig in his hair Fai could see even from several yards down the road, the other boy was staring off the same way the taxi had come.

Fai wondered a little if they could be friends.

His grandfather, a rather serious but congenial man with dark hair he often tied into a stubby ponytail at the base of his neck, hefted two of the larger suitcases before starting across the field. His mother was left with a carry on, while Fai and Yuui carried their overstuffed back packs.

Fai listened on curiously when their grandfather spoke up, a cultured yet soothing drawl. "You'll know him then darlin'. His mother is Aimi. I'm sure once you get a good look at him, who his father was will be obvious."

Their mother glanced back quickly at the boy, her mouth twisting with an emotion Fai couldn't quite figure out. Then suddenly his hand, which was already gripped in his mother's was being pulled and squeezed slightly, her pretty face down close to his where she spoke in a serious tone of voice. "You don't play around with that boy, Fai. Nothin' but trash and I don't need you or Yuui gettin' dirtied up because of it."

Eyes wide, Fai nodded. He could hear Grandpa chuckling a little in the background and wondered why his mother looked so annoyed. "I don't need you encouragin' them either, Daddy."

The older man climbed up the stairs and onto the porch, a small smile across his face. "Right, darlin'. Of course."

In an instant Fai couldn't help grinning, because he knew while his mother had explicitly told him no, his Grandpa had issued a quiet yes.

A couple days later at school, Fai punched the other boy square in the nose and an hour after that gave him his grape juice box. Kurogane, as he'd learned his name was, didn't have many friends - or really any at all - so without further preamble Fai declared himself the boy's best friend.

The spot had been filled ever since.

Love

A/N - Happy Valentine's day guys. Sakurakiss, I swear on all that's holy I'm almost done with your smut shot, but I hope this injection of angst and fluff and drama, whatev, will tide you over until then. I apologize for the choppiness but I was hurrying it in order to post for V-day, or rather a half hour after V-day.

Every piece was started separate but was a snapshot in my mind and part of the intermingling of plot. I wanted to add other pieces, so beware! Lolz, I might add more to it so check up once in a while.

ARG! I couldn't find the usual fandom name for Kurogane's mother, so again, bare with me Sakurakiss, I totally stole your name. m'sorry, forgives?

So. 'Don't ask don't tell' is a big stinky doodoo shot in my radar and while I understand the basics for it being there - at least the part that protects the soldiers from hate crime or retaliation - I still don't like the other inherent reason its there. To infringe on people's rights.

Hmph, I agree with Kurgie's mama though, "small towns, small minds."

Recomendations? You must read this while listening to Broken by Lifehouse. It just makes me tear up.

I'll love you guys if you REVIEW!