5

No Longer the Same

[b]Try To Find My Place[/b]

The apartment looked so empty; most of his books and records had been put into storage, along with his typewriter. He was more than happy for Sarah to stay here while he was in LA, but he knew his little sister well enough to know that there might be the occasional party, and he had spent too long getting his collections together to have them ruined by a bunch of over hyped students. He almost gave himself a head slap for that, showing your age there Tim, let the kids have their fun, just because he'd never been a party animal at MIT, no reason to deny Sarah and her friends a little off-campus down-time. Sarah already had the spare set of keys, and he had arranged to leave his set with his neighbour; she could pick them up later.

He walked slowly through the rooms, one last check before he locked the door for the last time. Would it be the last time? His assignment was for six months, but after that…could he see himself moving back here? In truth, no…without Jethro the place had ceased to be home, it was somewhere to crash when he was too exhausted to stay awake any longer. Because when he slept the nightmares came…

"Tim! Are you in here?"

He glanced at his watch, Sarah should be in school.

"In the bedroom. What are you doing here? I thought you had class."

She ran into the bedroom and smothered him in a clinch that had him gasping for breath.

"Did you think I was going to let you go without a proper goodbye? I can catch up on Coleridge any time…"

"You're not having the car Sarah, I told you, it's too powerful and you need more experience…"

She gripped him tighter.

"You seriously think that's why I came? To beg for your stupid car? Tim, we almost lost you for ever, you don't remember it, but in the hospital…"

Sarah couldn't find the words…how do you describe seeing your big brother lying on a hospital bed, so pale…a machine breathing for him, tubes and monitors everywhere, as your Mom and Dad cried and prayed, and cried again?

He kissed the top of her head, and held her close, waiting for the trembling to subside.

"I know Sarah…don't cry or you'll get me started, and that won't do my Special Agent image much good."

"I was so scared Tim, and now you're going so far away…will you come back do you think?"

How to answer that one when he didn't know himself…

"We'll see, but you can come out to LA for a visit in the summer, Mom and Dad too."

Sarah couldn't help but smile at that.

"You think Dad will be able to tear himself away from the car? I mean, driving around in a Porsche for six months; he may not want to leave it just to come visit you!"

Tim rolled his eyes, it was true; their Dad had been like the cat that got the cream ever since Tim asked him to look after his car, and drive it whenever he liked.

"Good point! Sarah…I have to go now, my cab will be waiting."

She gave him one last hug; he took the keys from his pocket and handed them to Sarah.

"All yours kiddo…try not to upset the neighbours, at least not too much."

Sarah kissed his cheek.

"You look after yourself Tim, and if you need to talk…"

"I'll call Dad. You stop worrying about me Sarah; I'm A1, ready for field duty. It's about time for you to concentrate on your studies, and let me get back to worrying about my little sister."

He picked up his bag and headed for the door.

"Call me when you're settled!"

"I said stop worrying, call your friends…have a housewarming party, and Sarah, have fun!"

His cab was waiting, and he settled back in his seat as the driver pulled out into the traffic. It was another bitter cold January day, but the sky was blue, and there was little or no wind; exactly the kind of day he loved when he had Jethro to take for a walk. They'd step out briskly and hardly feel the cold…but Jethro was gone, his ashes buried in the garden at home, come spring Mom was going to plant a rose tree to mark the spot, she'd decided on a white rose…white for remembrance…Tim needed to remember, if only to keep in mind that acting in haste can have lasting consequences. His actions that night had resulted in Jethro's death, and but for the greed of two college kids looking for their next high he could have died himself, out there in that bleak, rain-washed parkland.

Despite the heat in the cab, he shivered, he couldn't remember much about that night and its aftermath, but the anguished faces of his family when he woke in hospital told him everything he needed to know about how close he had come…they told him later how his heart had stopped more than once…Timothy McGee had 'died'; only for moments, but the fact remained that without the expert medical care he had received he would not be embarking on this journey today.

He sat in the departure lounge at Reagan National; it was still not too late to change his mind, fresh doubts crowded in on him. Was he taking the coward's way out? Should he stay and try to rebuild a working relationship with Tony? Was he heading for a new challenge, or simply running away from his old life? He was sleeping better, but sometimes…sometimes the dreams were so real. He was lying in the mud, Jethro cold and lifeless beside him, the rain beating down relentlessly, so cold…then he wasn't cold any longer, he was at peace, he was dead…

Director Vance knew he was still having therapy, but Doctor Sutter was happy to let Tim return to field duties provided he continued his sessions with a therapist out in LA. His flight was boarding, time to decide Tim, stay or go…

As the plane neared Los Angeles International Airport Tim's doubts faded. He couldn't go back to Gibbs and the others, not now, not so soon…he needed to put some distance between them, not simply physical distance, he needed to break from them mentally…get away from the Probie, the Elf Lord; be the man he knew he could be.

He strode out of the airport, most of his belongings had been shipped already, so he only had his carry on bag and he'd cleared security in double quick time. There was a long line at the cab rank, but he was in no hurry, his first stop would be his hotel, try and get some shut-eye. Then he had two days before he was due to report to OSP headquarters. With luck he would have found a furnished rental by then, he had a list from Eric that looked promising…the line was moving slowly, but he didn't mind, he was enjoying the comparative warmth of a Los Angeles afternoon, such a contrast to the cold of DC…the cold that had almost killed him, he revelled in the higher temperature, this was better already.

"Tim! Hey Tim McGee!"

He turned to the direction of the voice, and recognised him instantly.

"Man, you're a fast mover, I thought I'd meet you in Arrivals, but you'd cleared security before I got there."

Tim held up his bag.

"Quicker if you don't have hold luggage. Good to see you Nate."

Nate shook Tim's hand, and gave himself a moment to look over his new 'patient'. He had barely recognised him, and it was only because Director Vance had warned him how much weight Tim had lost that he'd given the gaunt man in the cab line a second look.

"Good to see you Tim…Welcome to LaLa Land, you look as if you could use a little of Hetty's TLC, and a dose of Californian sunshine. The car's over there, let's go, no need for a cab, I'm here to take you wherever you need to go."

"I don't mind getting a cab Nate, you must be busy."

"Callen's orders Tim, nothing's too much trouble for our new team mate, where are you staying?"

Tim followed Nate Getz to his car, and let those words filter into his brain…new team mate…so it was real, time to change, off with the old…on with the new…

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