First Day of My Life

(title comes from the Bright Eyes song)

Chapter 1

She didn't turn around as she finally left him. Her hand in AJ's, she could feel her heart beating in her chest, she could feel her eyes burning, but she managed not to turn around. She realised the exact same thoughts she had six months ago were running through her head. Six months and as it turned out, she hadn't really moved on. She still wondered if she was doing the biggest mistake of her life, she still wondered if there was a way, any way, to be with him.

She didn't do anything.

Her head low, her throat soar, she knew something was wrong. She didn't know how to fix it. She had never known how to do that, how to be able to actually act to make her life better. She had always been too afraid that it might end up being worse. She didn't know how to take a chance for something that really mattered. She always went with the flow, settling for 'okay' because it seemed better than nothing. And that was probably why she was planning to move in with a guy she wasn't sure she loved. But it could be worse and maybe she was being too demanding.

Before meeting him, before he turned her life upside down, she always did the reasonable thing when it came to relationships. She never had high hopes. She thought she wasn't the kind of girl who fell in love, who would know how to recognise it or keep it. As it turned out, she had it, right there, it was so obvious it was a little frightening and a little intoxicating. And she hadn't been able to hold on to it, to fight for it. For him.

For six months, she had tried very hard to act as if nothing had happened. It wasn't even supposed to happen, she didn't need that kind of trouble, she had been stupid and love was way too risky. Six months, and during that time she had finally settled with AJ, who was some kind of friend back when she was first working at Nashua, before Scranton, and he was like her in that way, he didn't need more. They were somewhat happy, they had their routine and it was better than going back to an empty house. Things had moved fast between them because she had never felt the rush of the first few weeks, the discovery of the other and the falling in love part. They rapidly became a sort of old couple, satisfied with what they had, not asking for too much.

Expect, maybe, sometimes, when she couldn't sleep and his arm around her felt odd, she couldn't help it. So she got up, sat on the couch and breathed as hard as she could to sooth that strange burden in her throat. It wasn't right. It was oh so wrong it was never as clear as on those moments when, even though he was just next to her, she felt lonelier than ever before. And on the morning, she greeted her teeth and remembered he was a nice man and it was better than nothing and she hushed that voice that told her that if it was better than nothing, it also seemed to be worse than a lot of things.

But all this was because of him. Because he had opened her up and showed her that maybe it could come true, that maybe love wasn't just some fairytale talk. Because he looked at her in a way that made her stop breathing. It had been the hardest part to forget, and she had never really been able to. He looked at her like she meant something, like she was more important than everything else and well, who wouldn't want to be looked at that way? How could she ever forget it?

After some times, she had been able to stop thinking about him too often, to accept her faith and what she had.

And of course, when things were starting to feel okay, when she started considering she would actually make it, move on, they met again. And in about three minutes she was lost. It was like old times, the same complicity and the same jokes they were the only two to understand. And still, the same look on his face. She stayed with him the whole day, hoping guiltily he would conquer her again without leaving her a choice. Yes, she realised it was wrong of her to hang out with her ex when her current boyfriend was just around. She just couldn't really help it.

Every time he fell silent, she hoped hard he would tell her they could do it, they were too right not to make it. He didn't say anything, she knew it was the decent thing for him to do, she knew he still felt the same way and he was just being a great guy. It didn't help. She couldn't take that last step, make it work. She wasn't strong enough. She needed him to do it, to forget about everything else and fix it, to be mad enough to ignore what made it impossible. Because he shouldn't be allowed to look at her that way and not make it possible.

Nothing had happened and she was going home with the wrong one. It was clearer than ever before, so obvious she was ashamed she still didn't find the strength to make it right. She would need to quit and how could she be sure it was worth it, that they would be solid enough? She didn't want to end up in six months in Scranton alone. She was terrified that they might not live up to her expectations. It could never feel as right as their first dates, she wasn't sure she wanted to trade her spotless memories for a potentially sad ending. And there was that stupid, unrealistic side of her that knew, that thought she knew everything would turn out alright. That in the end, the inevitable would happen. That was the hopeless, romantic side of her that thought life was a movie. And it was because she believed it, even if it was just a tiny part of her, it was because she believed it that maybe she didn't do what was right. When two people are meant to be together, doesn't it mean they will end up together, no matter what? She had never believed in soul mates or the one or all this Disney talks you need to let go of when you grow up. But sometimes, when she was with him, it didn't seem such a far stretch anymore.

Because that one day spent with him had still felt more real, more important, somehow, than six months with AJ.

That night, she didn't sleep. She couldn't stop the images of Michael from running through her head. She could still hear his voice, remember his smell, his eyes, his smile, his laugh. It felt like he was just out of reach, that she only needed to stretch her arms to touch him.

It was a little pathetic and a little heart-wrenching and she closed her eyes real hard, hoping it would make the tears disappear.

We haven't found our great idea yet...

We're circling it.