This story occurs just after Bella flies to Italy to rescue Edward from killing himself. Rather than falling back into love with Edward, she's mad at him - the way any rational human being ought to react after the love of her life ditched her. I'm trying to give Bella a little more strength and in the process, see how utterly necessary it is to keep Jacob in her life, and possibly even choose him over Edward. Is that so much to ask for?

But if each day, each hour,

you feel that you are destined for me with implacable sweetness,

if each day a flower climbs up to your lips to seek me,

ah my love, ah my own,

in me all that fire is repeated,

in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,

my love feeds on your love, beloved,

and as long as you live it will be in your arms without leaving mine.

"If You Forget Me" by Pablo Neruda

Chapter 1

Letting Go

There were so many things I wanted to say to him as he sat beside me. It was a hard fact to swallow that here was the one who broke my heart into pieces. He left me bleeding like an irreparable war wound as he stalked off toward the life he had saved for himself. He walked out of my world without thinking of the consequences. My fists clenched unconsciously as I sat there and allowed my thoughts to almost eat me alive.

I was angry. The anger boiled up to the tip of my tongue, exhuming every emotion I had felt for the past six months. I couldn't take this awkward silence any more. If there was any ounce of compassion left in the world, then it had to be me who deserved some semblance of closure.

"How are you feeling?" I asked stupidly, the softness of my heart giving me away much too quickly. He looked at me, eyebrows raised. "What?" I said, my eyes suddenly expressionless.

"Bella, I should be asking you that question." His eyes were drenched in agony, and wary too. "I'm so sorry, Bella," he said. "For every moment of pain I've caused you."

I could feel his stare burn into my soul as he sat there and waited for me to voice my thoughts. How was I ever going to do this if he continued to keep up with the self-deprecation this way? It made everything seem that much more unfair. It was hard enough to blame him, and harder still that he blamed himself.

"I believe you," I said evenly, the coldness reverberating off of every syllable. He didn't speak and this was my cue to continue. "But you left me, Edward." The words were flat and empty, their meaning lost forever. I closed my eyes and leaned back on the pillow, allowing myself to breathe properly before my temper got the best of me. I was no longer touching him. It had been hard enough back in the dark tunnels of Volterra as he snaked his arm around my waist and inhaled too deeply when he planted sweet kisses into my hair. After six months without him, I realized how sickeningly intoxicating his presence was. I couldn't live this way any more, and I was glad that I had realized this sooner rather than later. I couldn't imagine my state of being if our love had continued the way it had. It was too much.

"I know, and I-" he began just as I cut him off.

"Please," I begged, desperation oozing out of me. "Don't do this to me. Not now." I was quivering before I realized it, and he reached out for my hand. I immediately snatched it back in horror as I crossed my arms over my chest. I knew the tears were brimming off the rim and trailing down the sides of my cheeks as I sat there, staring at the empty space in front of us.

"Bella," he said, slow and uncertain. His voice was heavy with tension. I can't remember the last time I heard that voice. It would've been the loveliest of sounds once upon a time but now, it was agonized and strained. It was a version of his voice that I couldn't recall because I had never heard it this way before. I sniffled before gathering myself together again, making sure never to touch him.

"All this time," I finally began, easing into the comfort of what confidence I had left, "and the pain is still so strong. Sometimes, I can't feel my heart beating." I nodded disapprovingly to myself. "I've never been so miserable in my life. And the darkness… everything was so dark." I looked at him in disbelief as I noted my own words. He stared back at me in horror, seeing the emptiness in my eyes that were now a permanent fixture.

"Bella, I-" He took a deep breath. "I owe you an apology. No, of course I owe you much, much more than that. But you have to know"-the words began to flow so fast, the way I remembered he spoke sometimes when he was agitated, that I really had to concentrate to catch them all-"that I had no idea. I didn't realize the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you here. I wanted you to be safe." He looked at me now, his eyes tinged with a hint of sadness. "Please know that I had no idea of any of this. I feel sick to my core, even now. I am the most miserable excuse for-"

"Stop," I interrupted him. He stared at me with agonized eyes as I tried to find the right words. Words that would free him from this imagined obligation that caused him so much pain. They were very hard words to say. But I had to try to do it right. "I don't want to blame you for doing what you did. But I-I can't pretend that everything will go back to what it was before you left." I sighed heavily.

He stood silent for a few seconds, letting my words sink in. After a moment, he spoke. "Of course, I understand. But you have to know that none of this changes how I feel about you." He looked at me once again, his gaze burning into my soul. I turned back to stare at the blank space in front of me. We still had a few hours before landing in Seattle and the sky outside looked like a black canopy; I could see nothing as I starred out into the blackness.

"A lot of things have changed," I said quietly, hoping he would catch my drift in between the lines. He was silent so I continued. "Six months might not be a lot of time for you, but it can change a lot for someone like me."

"Bella, I-"

I raised a hand to stop him from continuing. "Don't you see it, Edward?" I asked, now turning my whole body around so that I faced him. The tears had stopped and I was as ready as I would ever be. "I don't know what you're thinking. How could I have known that you had felt so bad about what had happened on my birthday? You feeling so bad that you had to leave me in order to keep me safe? How does any of that make sense to me?" I stared at him, a little confused by my own questions, hoping that he could pluck my point out of the mess of words I had stringed together.

"But Jasper almost killed you," he said, his fists clenched until his knuckles turned a chalky white. "I didn't expect for you to understand, Bella. Your safety comes first, before everything else."

"So I didn't have a choice as to whether or not I wanted my boyfriend to stay beside me?" I could feel the heat rushing up to my cheeks now, and it wasn't because I was embarrassed. The anger had finally found its opening. "I know you aren't capable of knowing how I feel, both mentally and physically. Human emotions can't be studied, Edward, they have to be experienced." I took a deep breath before continuing. "After you left, I realized how much sensitivity I had as a human being. Would you have ever felt what I felt if you were in my position?" I nodded to myself, answering my own question all the while starring into his dark eyes. "I'm so much more vulnerable because of what I am. To be with you heightens all of these vulnerabilities like you wouldn't believe."

"You're absolutely right, Bella," he said, his face serious. "I would never know how you truly feel but you have to know that I was wrong. So wrong."

"It doesn't change what you did," I said evenly, hoping that fact would sink into him. At the same time, I couldn't forgive myself for feeling so guilty in hurting him this way. These things just had to be said if I was going to put this behind me. If I could ever put it behind me.

Before I had the chance to mull over his words, the soft ping of the seat belt sign overhead lighted up, gesturing that we fasten our seat belts because Seattle wasn't far away. I was momentarily distracted when a bubbly flight attendant came over and asked us if we needed anything. Funny enough, she had been starring at Edward the entire time she spoke. I asked for a Diet Coke, she nodded at Edward and took off. I stared at the now unoccupied space that she was standing in a few moments ago and sighed.

"You're drinking diet now?" Edward asked, somewhat amused.

"It's an acquired taste," I said, my eyes focused on the tips of my Keds.

"Bella, look at me," he said a little more strongly this time. I refused. Before I knew it, I felt a cold finger gently lift my chin, forcing me to turn and look at him. My eyes fell downward before I gave in and looked up. "I've missed you like hell, do you know that?" He said, a faint smile broadening across his lips. He was still as beautiful as I remembered him and seeing him now made all of the emotions rise up through the pit of my stomach, forcing the tears to sting my face again. He frowned as he saw all of the misery pour out of me like a fountain. Before I knew it, I felt his arms around me, hugging me more roughly than he normally would and then letting go altogether.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please make sure that your seat belt is fastened. We will be landing in just a few minutes," the flight attendant announced overhead. I took one good look at Edward before I turned back around and closed my eyes, readying myself for the nausea-inducing landing that would literally knock reality back into me.

I was finally home.

Author's Note:

So I had this crazy idea that there might have been a chance for Bella to stop and consider the consequences of Edward's departure after rescuing his a$$ in New Moon. Like any other rational human person, she might actually stop to think about what's happened now that Edward is back. Not everything is going to be the same and her relationships have both changed and developed with different people (*ahem* Jacob). She's experiencing mixed feelings about the guys in her life but rather than getting all sappy and blind sighted by these emotions, she takes it to heart and realizes that there is only one person she wants to be with (*ahem* Jacob).

Also, I'm writing as realistically as possible. It's kind of lame when I read so many pro-Jacob fics that outwardly villainize Edward without any proper justification. I'm not gonna flame Edward because I don't like him; I'm gonna state things as close to the book as possible because I want it to be believable.

Oh, and reviews are most welcomed.