In our series of "Hogwarts letters to Muggles,"we have reached the letter of one Fred Weasley, the self-proclaimed "funnier half" of the notorious Weasley Twins. Once again, we wish to let it known that Mr. Weasley's opinions and suggestions are entirely his own and not our responsibility.

Dear Muggle.

Are you tired of your dreary, mundane existence? How often do you look at the world and say "I could use some more laughs in my life" or "That bloke next door is a real tosser, I wish somehow I could turn him into a giant canary," or even "I don't want to go to school today, I wish I was sick"?

Well, this is your lucky day, because I, Fred Weasley of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, have the greatest proposition for you! For the low, low price of five Galleons, or twenty-five pounds (to be exchanged for Galleons at a later date), the Weasley Wizard Wheezes' Worst Wbox can be yours! The box, or "wbox" as we at Weasley's Wizard Wheezes so charmingly call it, is in strong, decorative cardboard and contains these selections of our varied and brilliant products:

- One pack of Puking Pastilles (makes you vomit uncontrollably)
- One pack of Canary Creams (temporarily turns you into a giant canary)
- One pack of Mysterious Midnight Moon Madness (Makes you froth at the mouth, but only by moonlight)
- Three Penelope's Purple Pussy Cats (mini toy cats that are cute and funny at first but get more annoying and clingy as time passes, until you're ready to destroy them, then they vanish without a trace)
- One Tiny Twister (mini-tornado in a glass jar, to be set loose in the living rooms of people you don't like)
- Three packs of Ton-Tongue Toffee (gives you the longest and most magnificent tongue any human has ever had; thoroughly Muggle-tested)

If you're interested, send a response by Muggle mail to Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, c/o Hogwarts.

With hope of future business,
Fred Weasley

For once, we actually have the response from the Muggle in question, one Mr. Dudley Dursley, of Smeltings Academy. In the interest of presenting as complete and thorough picture of events as possible, here it is, in its unaltered state:

All right, Weasley.

You and me. Three rounds. No freakishness. We'll see how many teeth you got left afterwards.

Big D

We assume this has some sort of meaning, though for the life of us we can't figure out what this meaning might be. Three rounds of what? (Based on Mr. Dursley's remark about teeth, our resident Muggle expert suggests that it may be connected to the Muggle art known as "dentistry," which involves pulling people's teeth out, but he couldn't provide details.) And what does Mr. Dursley mean by "freakishness" or "Big D"? As we suspect this may make more sense for someone used to Muggles, we implore any Muggle-borns to help us decipher the meaning of Mr. Dursley's letter.

Author's Notes: Like I said, I'll do these whenever I get an idea I find funny.