This is my last one-shot for the Fandom Gives Back Author Auction. This was written for snowgood, the winner of my 10K one shot. I hope she enjoys, and that you enjoy, also.

You can also find my stories hosted on ADF - it's such an honor to be a VIP author there! :)

Find me on twitter: pinkeveningsky - for updates and stuff.

Thanks to Ali, my beta and best girl.

Disclaimer: I still own nothing.

I enjoy my solitude. There is nothing better to me than a quiet night at home with my iPod jammed up my ears, and a trashy novel in my hands. I like slipping between my cool sheets alone, and I don't mind the touch of my own fingers, or sharing the exhausted completion of an orgasm with only the night air. I like to walk by myself, sharing in other people's smiles as they bounce off each other in the sunlight. I like to peruse shelves of bookstores and thumb through stacks of CDs without having to be judged for my preferences. It's rare that I feel that pang of loneliness, that empty ache inside me when I come alone – but when I do, it overwhelms me, and I have to struggle to breathe.

When you live your life for only yourself, it's truly liberating. Freeing. Better than flying, better than fucking, better than anything. But when you live your life for only yourself, you forget the simple intimacies of sharing your life with someone else. Your space, your presence, your popcorn. And I was remembering those slowly, combing my fingers through his hair as he slept on. I wondered if he was thinking about me, dreaming about me, wondering what the fuck we were going to do when this ended. Because that's what I was thinking about, right then, and I couldn't stop.

xXxXx

I hated big monstrosities that moved unnaturally: planes, trains, semi-trucks and boats. Most especially boats.

I relayed this to Kate as she shoved me the rest of the way over the ramp, making my first sea legs wobbly ones as they landed unsteadily against the wood.

"Technically, it's not a boat," she said, grabbing at my arm to steady me, not in the mood for my fumbling theatrics. "It's a ship. A giant ship. A moving hotel, taking us to beautiful destinations. Don't you love me so much for making you come? Yes, yes you do. Oh Bella, I love you too. No, don't speak – you'll ruin this overwhelming moment with words. Words can't even describe – "

"Oh my god, knock it off. I'm on the boat, okay? I need some Dramamine. And a foot massage. And several-able bodied seamen – " Kate laughed at that word – "to whisk away my luggage – "

"Can I help you with your luggage, miss?"

We both turned. A decently handsome young man in uniform was gesturing to the somewhat heavy suitcases we were rolling behind us. We probably didn't need any help, but since the gods were being so accommodating, we decided it was bad juju not to play along.

"And for my next trick, I'd like for my flawlessly crafted dissertation to be delivered with an icy bottle of Cristal."

Kate rolled her eyes at me. "We're not P. Diddy, Bella."

Our staterooms were side-by-side, small and cramped but as cozy as possible. I snorted at the swan shaped towel animal on my twin-sized bed, wondering what bored coordinator thought that gem up. I'm sure they didn't get many last names that correlated with their towel animal makings. Maybe I had made their day. Their week. Their life.

There was a knock on the door, and I turned, blowing my bangs out of my face with an exhausted huff. Unpacking was daunting – it always was for me. I hated living out of a suitcase, but I also hated making myself so familiar with surroundings that meant nothing to me. Still, I had to be on this ship for two disgusting weeks, so I figured I might as well make things as homey as possible.

The door cracked open, and I sat down quickly. Peeking around the corner was this… this man, with this hair, and these eyes, and this jaw, and these dimples, and that could describe any man, but all of his were special, extraordinary, and all of a sudden I wanted to throw up because my loneliness crashed down on me like thunder, loud and arresting. Someone probably had this man to come home to, to whisper sweet things to and hear them back, to feel the tapered fingers against the bumps in their spine and to feel his breath against their cheek as he comes –

"Are you Miss Swan?" the man asked, his voice seraphim and music, and I nodded, because I was, especially if he wanted me to be.

"Bella," I corrected quickly, flushing from head to toe, a bumbling fumbling mess. Did I believe in love at first sight? No, that was gross, disgusting, how could anyone love someone they did not know the most boring details of? But something happened, and I was such a freak for being winded like this, like I had just run a marathon.

"Bella," he repeated softly. "I'm horrible with names, but I'll try to remember that."

Then I looked down, criticizing myself – I didn't even know who this man was, what he wanted, why he was here. Who cared what my name was? He didn't care. He didn't want to try to remember it. He wasn't already thinking of mnemonic devices to remember my birthday and favorite dessert, September thirteenth and a hot fudge sundae, soaked in the warm chocolate, so rich you wanted to throw up.

"I'm Edward, the hall head," he said, his voice still quiet, a low thrum on tense strings. "So I'm just going around introducing myself to everyone. If you need anything, I'm in room three-oh-seven. Or you can just push this button – " he pointed to a little intercom system – "and it goes directly to my room."

I noticed his uniform for the first time, the same one the kid on deck had on. A crisp navy polo with the ship's logo on the breast, and khakis so straight I could smell the starch.

"Okay," I said, realizing he was staring at me, waiting for a response. "That button, right there. Got it."

"Okay," he said, smiling slightly. The dimples caved in, and I died. "I hope you enjoy your stay. If there is anything you need, please don't hesitate."

I need you, hot and hard in my hands, my mouth, inside me, everywhere. I need you to lay me down, make me scream, hush my mouth, and then do it all over again.

But I didn't say that, because I wasn't that bold. I was a quiet little nobody who slipped in and out of people's lives without them even noticing me.

xXxXx

The cruise was to Alaska, so I couldn't wear pretty little dresses to dinner. It was in the middle of winter, and it was bitterly cold. I had just been laid off as a paper pusher at a publishing company, and even though it was a shitty position, I was distraught. It had been my first real big person job, and I was fired. It wasn't like I was bad at it, but I was the lowest on the totem pole. So when the company had to make cuts, where did they look?

To me.

So my parents had suggested this to Kate, to take me on a cruise, to get me some fresh air and adventure. To let me watch the whales, vast and beautiful, to help me realize that I was so small and that things in life were going to just suck sometimes, but it was still okay.

Kate told me later that Charlie and Renee were passing a bowl back and forth between them as they said this, their eyes red and their hands gesturing in big waves, as if no one could possibly understand the kind of grandiose that life really was. And so here I was, with my college roommate and best friend of six years, trapped on a floating vessel for two weeks.

"Are there icebergs?" I questioned Kate as we moved down the hall. I wrapped my coat tighter around me. We were about to walk out into the night to take a short cut to the dining hall.

She shook her head at me. "And only enough lifeboats for half of us…"

"I want you to draw me," I said seriously, holding up my filigree necklace. "Wearing this." I paused dramatically. "Only this."

"Is that a Titanic reference I hear?"

Kate and I turned, still cackling at how weird we were sometimes. Two women were walking close behind us, grinning.

"Because I was just telling Alice here that if this boat goes down, I'm finding the first man named Jack and clinging for dear life." The speaker was tall and blonde. She wasn't overwhelmingly pretty, but she was definitely striking.

"You'll have to fight me for him," said Kate.

The tall one's name was Rosalie, and her tiny friend was Alice. We chattered all the way to dinner, and I barely felt the cold because I was laughing so much. They played off each other much like Kate and I did – one was sarcastic and quiet, and the other was always chirping with something, waiting for a laugh and rebounding off of it.

They were assigned to a different table, but switched their name cards with the couple that were supposed to eat with Kate and me. They settled down, and we continued talking as light piano playing floated through the room. It was a beautiful melody, tinkling and distant, like a fairy you knew was real but could never touch. I found my head naturally tipping towards the noise, a pleased smile on my face.

Dinner was a lot of fun. The activities director had us play banal 'get to know your tablemates' games, and we just made fun of it the whole time. Rosalie had us all in stitches – she donned a new accent every single time the server asked us a question, if we would like more water or if the appetizer was to our liking. He looked so confused by the end of the meal, especially when Alice told him that Rose was a mute.

We pushed back from our seats, and I could feel how unattractive the giant yawn was that spread across my face.

"Tired, Bella?" asked Alice, the sarcastic one, stating the obvious for everyone within a thirty mile radius.

I shrugged. "I'm thinking of calling it a night."

Rosalie gasped. "You can't! You two have to come with us. There's this club down below, and I've heard it's incredible. Seriously, don't make me jump off this boat."

"Ship," corrected Kate.

"If you jump, I jump," I said. "Okay, enough with the Titanic references. I'm honestly about to pass out. Really. Seriously. No, stop it. Kate! I don't want to go. Tomorrow night, I promise. Stop looking at me like that."

Eventually I won out, just because I was so stubborn and once I got in my head that I was going to do something, that was how it worked. And besides, I was truly exhausted. Kate abandoned me to go dancing, but that was just how she was. She was a social butterfly, and I wasn't.

I got back to my room and slid the card key. It showed me a big red light, instead of the green it was supposed to.

"Really?" I asked it, aggravated. I swiped it at least a dozen more times, each time growing more and more frustrated. I had no service down in this part of the ship, so I couldn't call Kate and whine. She would know who to call, what to do.

I glanced down the hall briefly, thinking of my options. I wasn't an idiot; I remembered Edward telling me that I could come by any time, but he had to have noticed the way I ogled him, undressed him with my eyes and thoughts, and to knock on his door with the typical "I'm locked out of my room can I borrow yours" story seemed cringe worthy.

But I didn't have any options, and I was perverted and maybe I would catch him dripping wet out of the shower, towel around the waist, surprised look and oh, can I borrow a cup of sugar?

Room three-oh-seven was quite a ways down from mine, but I walked it, my stomach tying in stupid little knots every time I passed a number that got closer. Finally, I was in front of it, balancing on my toes.

I leaned forward to knock as the door swung open, and I jumped back, startled. I screeched, and I hated myself for it. I can make much sexier noises, Edward, I promise.

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph," I groaned, holding my hand against my racing heart. My back was to the opposite door.

"Oh god, I'm sorry," he apologized immediately. He was wearing beat up jeans and a faded black t-shirt, and it made his candle-licked hair even more vibrant, almost too bright, too beautiful. I had to look away. "You're…"

"Bella," I supplied.

"Bella," he repeated. "I almost remembered. You were the only person who offered their name to me to use, so it wasn't so bad." He smiled at me, and I returned it. "What can I do for you?"

"My key card isn't sliding," I explained, holding it up. "I've tried at least twenty-seven to the tenth degree times, but – "

"All right, let's see what the problem is." He silently followed me back to my room, my key card in his hand. When we got to my door, he rubbed the black strip against his t-shirt, and then stuck it in.

Immediately the light turned green. I heard the lock release, and the door clicked open.

I glared at the key like it had betrayed me. "Are you serious?"

"They can be stubborn," he said gently, like he had had this conversation a million times before. "You just have to know the angle to slide it in."

Because I was a sexual deviant, images popped into my head: me, on all fours, he behind me, filling me, slick and hard, resistance and force, sliding in at exactly the right angle.

He seemed to realize the double entendre of his words. "Or, uh, something like that…"

I laughed, and so did he, and then we were giggling like we were high.

"Thanks," I said, still laughing softly, taking the key out of his hand. His finger brushed my palm, and I wanted that rough texture all over me, inside of me, making me twist and scream and die.

He nodded, his dimples still on display. I wanted my lips against them, my tongue dipping in, feeling the rough line of his stubble against my taste buds.

"Good night," he said.

Later, as I came around my fingers, my body pulsing and lazy, I decided that it had been a good night indeed.

xXxXx

I woke up the next morning, feeling like a total pervert. I had all but molested the poor man in my sleep, with my eyes, with my thoughts. How could I look at him today without wanting to stutter?

"Rise and shine," said Kate, peeking into my room after several soft knocks.

I gave her a sleepy smile. She looked so pretty with her weird accessories and flyaway red hair. She yelled when I yanked her down to the bed, but she was used to me sleeping a few more minutes so she just laid there, content to watch the morning as I took a couple extra snoozes.

It was an hour later that we finally left my stateroom. My hair was still wet, and I had no patience to dry it, so I let it curl around my face. It fell in annoying ringlets and crimps and frizz, but I was in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. If a polar bear wanted to judge me, it could be my guest.

We ate a buffet style breakfast – scrambled eggs and biscuits and bacon, with cold milk making mustaches on our sleepy faces. We saw Rosalie and Alice, who waved at us cheerfully and invited us to do some boat exploration. I admired their ability to be so happily hung over – Kate had told me they had gotten ripped to shreds by Jose Cuervo himself.

I opted out of the tour. Kate just shook her head at me – she knew me too well. I can stomach being around people… even enjoy it. But at the end of the day, I need my quiet time. My time to breathe my own air, and then push it back out, and do with it what I want. Most of the time I just wanted it to agree with me, and just let me be silent, still, stationary.

I had almost made it all the way to my room when I heard my name called behind me. I turned and watched Edward jogging towards me.

"You are one tough woman to catch," he panted, bending over at the waist, harsh breaths indicating his haste.

"I didn't realize I was being pursued," I said coquettishly, ridiculously. I wasn't a flirt, but he was so handsome it poured out of me.

He grinned at me, and it was worth it, saying those stupid words. "I was just wondering – I mean, would you like a tour of the ship?"

And even though I had said no not even fifteen minutes ago, I jumped at the chance to be next to him. Questions always sound different coming from beautiful lips.

xXxXx

"So, where are you from?" Edward asked me as we trailed along the outer deck, making our way towards the gym.

I tugged my coat around me. The harsh wind sliced through the cracks of my armor like blades, leaving stinging marks wherever it touched. Edward felt so warm next to me, like he was his own sun. Our wool-covered arms would brush occasionally, and my mind and heart and body would go crazy, and I'd miss words coming from him for minutes afterwards.

"Seattle," I said, pulling on my bangs. "I work at a publishing company – " I stopped short, groaning, hating that I would now have to explain that I had been hired and fired within two months of landing my first career-move job.

"Is that hesitation I hear?" he asked playfully, nudging me with his elbow.

"I – yeah," I said slowly. "I was laid off."

He whistled through his teeth, and his warm breath was carried by the wind, into my face, covering me, washing me in him. "Well, I quit my job. Is that better or worse?"

"Definitely better. There's more dignity in that," I answered immediately. "Wait, you mean you quit…?"

"Oh, no. The job I had before this." He waved vaguely.

"Which was…"

He took a deep breath, and then he looked out to sea. "I was a pediatrician at a hospital in Juneau."

"Oh." I couldn't make my surprise. "You went from that… to this…"

"Yeah," he said after a moment of silence.

"That's really…"

He gave a harsh laugh, and then smiled at me. "You can say it."

"Stupid!" I cried as soon as his permission cleared. "You went from that… to this! You fold towels into animal shapes and play get acquainted games for a living now."

He shrugged. We stopped at a door, and he opened it for me, and I went in, my mind reeling.

"I enjoy it," he said simply, as if that was the only answer in the whole world.

"But – " I sputtered, following him down a hallway.

He turned abruptly. "But what, Miss Swan?" His voice was distant – not cold, but detached, and it was somehow worse. Like I was exhausting to even talk to.

I blew out a breath. "Is this a tour or not, Mr. Cullen?" I asked, my voice full of ice.

He gave a sarcastic little nod, and I followed him again, more slowly. He opened a door and bowed me inside, and then closed it behind us.

It was a fully stocked gym, with tons of intimidating looking machines and heavy weights and yoga balls. It was also completely devoid of people.

"I guess vacationers don't like working out," I commented.

He nodded. "It's usually the staff who uses it."

"Do you use it?" I asked, picturing him underneath the weights, sweating, grunting, biting his lip in exertion.

"Sure, when I get my lazy ass down here. Our days are so full, it's hard to find time that isn't in the dead of night or the early morning."

I cracked a smile. "I'm pretty lazy, too. I'm going to be a puddle of fat cells in a couple years if I don't find a gym membership somewhere, but that motivation still doesn't sway me."

"Nah, you're good." He grinned at me, and I grinned back, so happy about three noncommittal words.

I'm good? Do you want to see me naked, completely, just to make sure? Maybe I'm more than good. Maybe I'm great. Maybe I'm beautiful. Maybe if you told me, I'd actually believe it. Maybe you would tell me your secrets, like why you were a beautiful doctor and are now a beautiful steward. Maybe you wouldn't have to talk at all.

"Yeah, well… You can keep being lazy," I told him as we walked out.

"Yeah?" He looked down at me. He was so tall, taller than me by almost a foot.

"Yeah. You're good, too."

He smiled at me, completely unguarded. It was like being back in high school, catching your crush's eye in a moment of happiness, and he just keeps smiling and sharing it with you. Something was there; something was stirring.

I wasn't just a (total) pervert.

xXxXx

He showed me the several dining halls, the dance clubs downstairs, the sauna, the pool, and the engine room. I nearly had a heart attack when he showed me his room, but it was completely innocent.

"See, ours look pretty much the same as yours," he said. He had been trying to prove a point – I had insisted that staff got rooming privileges, but I had only been kidding. He kept getting flustered and red-faced about it, and it was so cute on such a handsome face that I kept doing it.

"Your sheets are nicer," I insisted, running my hand over the bed he hadn't made that morning. I wanted in it, inside of it, my feet, my body, my moans. "I'm going to launch a formal complaint."

He looked at me incredulously, but humor was there. He stalked over to the bed, shoved me out of the way gently, and then began stripping his bed.

"What – what are you doing?"

"Accommodating a guest, Miss Swan," he said pleasantly. When every bit of fabric was gone from his pathetic looking bed, he shoved the cotton sheets into my arms.

"I can't take these!" I insisted, panicked. But as I said that, I smelled them, and he was all over them.

"Oh, please, be my guest," he said, showing his best customer service smile.

"Edward, really – "

He frog-marched me down the hall, to my room, with me laughing and protesting the whole way. He was, unbelievably, humming "Be Our Guest" under his breath, the silly little Beauty and the Beast tune.

"You're absolutely – completely – ridiculously – "

"Bent on showing you the best possible time on The Alaskan? Right you are, Miss Swan."

We stopped at my door, both of us giggling and breathless. I was so happy I could fly – this handsome man, funny and light, spent his whole morning with me. He made me laugh and made me angry and made me take his sheets, and he chose it, and nothing could have made me happier. He chose to be here, with me, Bella Swan.

"I was almost about to give this back to you," he said, still laughing. He pulled a wad of bills out of his pocket, "to give back to your friend. But now that you've taken my sheets, I might need it."

I looked at the money in his hand, not understanding. "What do you mean give it back to me?"

He had that face on, suddenly, that said 'I've just made things really awkward.' "Your charming redhead friend, Katie?"

"Kate?" I asked, still not comprehending.

"Her, yes. She gave me some cash to take you on a tour of the boat. We do that on the side sometimes, you know. We don't really get paid all that well…" He trailed off, like he hoped I could see the humor of the situation.

I had never found anything less funny in my life. I was so embarrassed I thought I would just burst into flames right there, where I stood. No wonder my line of questioning about his career moves seemed so presumptuous to him – he didn't ask me to come with him, he was paid to!

"I see," I said after a moment, taking a deep breath. I was still holding his sheets in my arms, and I took a huge whiff of air that smelled like him. It made my eyes well with tears – I was so humiliated.

"Bella," he said, seeing this. "It started out like that, but it was really – I had a great – "

I stuffed the sheets back into his arms, and he took them, bewildered. "I'm really sorry that she imposed on you that way. I'm really sorry for crossing any lines – I didn't – I thought – " I broke off, not wanting to let him know what I thought.

"Please," he said quietly. "Please understand. I thought you knew. Kate said you were too shy to ask, so I…"

I held up a hand. "I'm not angry at you. I'm just so… humiliated," I said honestly. "You keep the sheets. And the money. I can't imagine your salary is very good, and you're a very… accomplished tour guide, and I…"

"Bella," he said again. It looked like he wanted to touch me, or hug me, but maybe I was imagining that in my desperation. Either way, his arms were holding his sheets, so he couldn't.

"Have a good day, Mr. Cullen," I said softly, turning to open my door.

Before I closed it, I heard him murmur, "You do the same, Miss Swan."

xXxXx

I found Kate reading in a sunroom on the main deck. She looked up at me, with a smile on her face. It quickly faded when she saw my own.

"Now, Bella – "

"How could you?" I hissed, snatching the book from her hand. "How could you pay that man to do that, when you know that I think he's just… he's…"

"I didn't – I thought he would tell you!" she cried, trying to grab her book out of my grasp.

"Thought he would tell me what?" I demanded. "That my best friend feels sorry for me so she hired a very gorgeous and equally awesome man to – to – " I was so angry, I couldn't speak correctly.

"I didn't do it to be cruel, Bella," she pleaded. "Please, you know that. You know I wouldn't."

"Then why? Why? You know I'm happy enough alone. I could have had a quiet morning to myself, and then I could have just gone on fantasizing about him, about something that will never happen – definitely not now – and I would get to save my pride!"

As I yelled at her, I couldn't figure out who I was more angry at. Her, for setting me up without my consent, or at me, for allowing myself to think for a moment that someone would… could…

When my voice grew hoarse, she took my hands and pressed them against her face. I felt her tears against my palms, and it caused my own to break free.

"I was so embarrassed," I sobbed, and she hugged me, because she knew that I never put myself out there, on the line. It was so rare for me to open up, to let someone close, to give myself the chance to risk hurt or humiliation. And then I had, without even knowing it, and it seemed to be even worse. Like I was that stupid to let chance in without even recognizing it for what it was.

She dragged me to lunch, and I barely ate anything. I poked at a turkey and provolone Panini, which should have been delicious, but it tasted like cardboard against my tongue. I went back to my room and fell on the bed, exhausted by the day already.

It was dumb to be so hurt by a guy that I had only known for twenty-four hours. It was dumb to fantasize about that guy so much it felt like I already knew him. It was dumb that despite the dumbness of all of it, I still felt like throwing up.

I woke up before I realized I had been asleep. I sat up slowly, my muscles stiff. The room was darker than it was before – it had to be close to dinnertime. Kate had left me alone for the remainder of the day, because that was her way. When she pushed me too hard, she let me retreat.

I dressed blindly for dinner – jeans there, sweater here, scarf there – and stumbled out of the room towards Kate's door. I knocked lightly, then looked around the hallway as I waited for her answer.

Edward emerged from his room fifty feet down the hallway, and I stopped dead. He glanced up, glanced down, and then glanced back up at me. He smiled, but I didn't. We held our looks like that until Kate opened the door and stepped out.

"Hungry?" she asked, smiling at me.

"Yeah," I said, trying to hurry her out of the door. Edward was walking towards us, and I could feel my armpits prickling with sweat.

"Okay, just let me grab my scarf – " She bustled back into her room, and I stood there, looking anywhere but down the hall.

Kate popped back out just as Edward passed us. He touched me on the small of my back to move me gently out of his way.

"Evening, Miss Denali… Miss Swan," he said in a quiet voice, and then went on his way.

When he was out of sight, Kate turned to me. "You know, Bella… I think that even if I didn't pay him, he would have – "

"Don't," I said severely.

"I'm just saying," she said, shutting the door behind her. "If he didn't tell you upfront that he was going to give you a tour, that I wanted him to escort you… he probably wanted you to think that it was his idea, especially after he got to know you."

I scoffed. "Then why did he tell me about it at all?"

She shrugged. "Maybe he was just being honest, you know? Didn't want to be deceitful, or something. And anyway, my Bella… he doesn't know you. He doesn't know about your… social lack."

"I'm done thinking about it," I said finally, moving away from her door. She followed me, clicking her tongue.

xXxXx

Alice and Rosalie joined us for dinner again. Kate engaged them in conversation immediately, all of them laughing at something that had happened during the day. At those times, I felt the most disconnect. I had nothing to laugh about from the day.

Alice turned to me eventually. "And what did you do today, Bella? Did you go on the tour with that steward?"

"Edward," I corrected her irritably. He was not just that steward. "And yes, I did. He was very nice."

"Oh," exclaimed Rose, putting her hands to her chest. "It's just like Titanic. Third class mingling with first class… forbidden love…"

"Whoa," I laughed, toying with the shrimp cocktail the waiter had just set in front of me. "First of all, I'd hardly call myself first class… and he isn't steerage, he works on the ship! There's a difference." I swallowed some water. "And what do you mean, forbidden love?"

"There's a non-fraternization policy between guests and workers," Alice explained, peeling a shell off of her shrimp. "We know this because Rosalie went after one of the cooks."

"Whatever," sniffed Rosalie.

Kate and I exchanged glances.

Shit.

xXxXx

I followed Kate, Alice and Rosalie into a piano bar after dinner. I had a glass of white wine in my hand, and I was feeling braver, louder, more honest.

There was a man on the piano, pounding away at the keys, hot blues against my skull. His voice was raspy, deep, afraid, in love. I wanted it in me, inside me, in my marrow, in my blood. I cocked my head to the side and listened, even as conversation swirled around me, all asinine noise.

It was like I knew it was Edward on that piano. When I caught a glimpse of his face, I wasn't surprised. My body knew, my traitor body, thrumming with life at the sight of his pounding, bruising fingers. His music coated me in honey, sticky, warm and sweet, and hard to wash away.

"That's Edward," I whispered to Kate, pointing to the stage.

"Good God," said Kate, who was also drinking. "I should have called dibs."

He was hurt; I could feel it. He hurt some place deep, somewhere it was easy to hide that pain, but somewhere it was easier still to drag up at a moment's notice. God, I wanted him so bad, all that pain, all that hurt, and me the vessel, taking it all in. I wanted him thrashing, wailing, expelling, exorcising that demon until it spilled out, all of it, and he was sated, smiling, sleeping.

I found myself drinking more wine, by the mouthfuls. It was so sweet, so crisp, and it was making me feel so good, like I could fly, like I was the bravest person in the world. Pretty soon, I was grabbing dollar bills out of Kate's purse, and she was laughing at me, like it was hilarious.

I stumbled up to the stage, right in the middle of a song he was singing, and started throwing dollar bills at him. He didn't notice at first, but I crumpled up a wad of three, and it landed right in his lap.

He stopped mid-verse, confused. He looked around, down, and saw me, standing there with a shit eating grin and more dollar bills where that came from.

He laughed, shaking his head, and smoothed into the chorus.

"And I guess that's why they call it the blues… time on my hands could be time spent with you… laughing like children, living like lovers, rolling like thunder, under the covers…"

When he finished the song, he bent down next to me.

"What are you doing, Miss Swan?" His breath was hot, and it fanned across my face, and I could taste the notes that had just died from his voice.

"Bella," I insisted. "And I'm tipping you."

"You should probably wait until after the performance…" He was teasing me. Surely he could smell the wine on my breath.

"Are you finished now?"

"Yes. That's what all that applause means."

"Are you being funny?" I wondered, stuffing more dollar bills in his hands.

"Is it failing miserably? I feel like it is… Bella!" My name was a laugh. "You realize you've given me at least eleven dollars in tips…"

"You were really good," I explained. "Your pain – I felt it."

He smiled at me, and I wished it met his eyes. "Thank you, Bella."

"You don't believe me!" I cried.

"I do, I do," he said, patronizing and soothing, like he was speaking to a child.

Then I felt hands on my neck, and Kate's sweet voice over my head.

"I'm really sorry," said Kate, but she was slurring her words, too. "We've been drinking, and she's not…"

"I'm completely in my right mind!" I insisted, waving my arms around. "Didn't you hear his pain, Kate? Didn't you? It was right there, on his tongue. He was sharing it, and you didn't even pay attention!"

"Bella…" Kate coaxed, trying to grab my flailing limbs.

"No!" I shrieked, ripping my arms away.

"It's okay," said Edward then, trying his best at grabbing my hands. When he touched me, I calmed down instantly. "I'll just take her outside for some fresh air. The cold will clear her head."

"I can hear you! I'm drunk, not deaf…"

His hot hands were then on my back, and he steered me out of the door. The night air hit me hard, like a battering ram, and I doubled over. He led me to the railing, and I puked right in to the Pacific Ocean.

"Are you okay?" he asked, when the dry heaving was over. He had been rubbing small circles on my back, and I didn't want him to stop.

"Yeah," I said finally, resting my head against the cold metal. "I just feel exhausted now."

"Let me take you back to your room," he offered, taking my elbow and not giving me much choice.

"Take me to yours," I whispered, leaning into him.

He stiffened in surprise. "What?"

"I don't want to be alone right now."

And when that sentence left my lips, I knew how much trouble I was in.

xXxXx

He seemed really uncomfortable to have me in his room. He kept making apologies about the mess (it was nearly spotless) and the smell (it smelled incredible). I sat on his bed, still a little tipsy, and took off my shoes.

"Relax, Edward," I said, leaning back on my hands. "I'm not going to attack you."

He gave a nervous laugh. "I know. I'm just not used to other people… in my space…"

"I can leave," I said immediately, knowing exactly how that felt. "Seriously, I can. I didn't mean to… impose…"

He took a deep breath, and then sat beside me on the bed. "Well, to be honest… I don't really want you to go. But I'm not sure if it's right for me to let you stay…"

"Because of the non-fraternization policy?" I mumbled, picking at my fingernails.

"Yeah," he said after a minute. "I mean, it just makes sense, you know? There's no point getting close… you only have two weeks with that person, then they go back to their lives. And then it's a whole new batch…"

"So… this is all you do?" I asked, waving my hand around. "This is truly your job?"

He nodded his head. "Yeah, this is truly my job. What could be better? I don't need a lot of money, because we room and board for free, and we eat for free… and I get to meet a lot of cool people, and travel to beautiful places."

I gave a noncommittal "hmmm" because it sounded awful to me. All the strangers, all the people constantly needing your attention…

"Bella," he said after a moment. "About this morning…"

"Don't," I whispered.

"No. Please. Hear me out. I should have been honest to begin with. I didn't mean… I know you were embarrassed, thinking I was just paid to spend time with you. But I'm not being paid now. I want to be around you. You're funny and sexy as all hell, and - "

Liquid courage seeped through my veins, and I leaned forward and kissed him.

He was ready for my kiss like he was expecting it. His mouth was parted, his lips were damp and his tongue was hot against my teeth. He groaned and stood, and I wrapped my legs around his slim waist so not to break contact. He locked his bedroom door, still kissing me, tasting me, making me so wet, and then he put me on his bed, laid me back and lay on top of me.

His weight was heavy, full, perfect. His body shuddered under all of my touches, the frantic ones tugging at his buttons and the slow ones combing my fingers across his chest hair. He had lied to me – he had to have been at the gym pretty often. He was firm and smooth under my touch, and he seemed to accommodate himself to my skin. He folded against me perfectly, his kisses still hot against my mouth, and his hands fisting in my hair and shrugging me out of my bra at the same time.

"Bella," he whispered, stopping me before I could tug too harshly at his belt. "I just want to you to know – I don't… this isn't… I never do this."

"Me neither," I told him, and it was true, and he would feel the truth when he touched me and slid his fingers into how wet I was.

"Okay," he said, smiling. He knelt on the bed and took off his own pants and dragged them down, boxers and all.

I reached out and touched him, smoothing the soft skin covering hard force into my palm. He fell onto his palms, leaning over me, thrusting into my hand, wasting his energy when it could be my body.

He found a condom in his bedside drawer, and I watched him put it on. It rolled to about an inch from the base of his penis, because he was long and perfect.

"Do you… are you…?" He gestured to me, as if to ask if I needed some help to guide him in.

"No, no, I need you in," I whined, and he helped me out of my underwear as I said those words.

"Shit," he whispered against my mouth as he bent down to kiss me again, sweetly, like we had all the time in the world. He flicked at both of my nipples, and it sent my hips off the bed.

I took a hold of him, hating the rubbery feel of the condom and how it blocked me from seven to eight inches of his beautiful skin. I guided him forward, and he came into me, all the way, because I was so wet, so needy, so desirous.

It had only been a day, a day since I had met him. But I let him in so fast, inside my body and my heart, and I groaned and moaned and panted against his lips as he fucked me so good, so right, so perfect.

xXxXx

After that night, we couldn't get enough of each other. We snuck away constantly, finding random hallways and janitorial closets. I went down on him in the laundry room as he folded towels into animals, and it was so amazing, so free, so fun. We were like kids with candy we didn't want to share. He left me notes shoved under my door – some of them sweet, some of them perverted. I slept in his room every night, wore his t-shirts underneath my winter clothes, felt his fingers against my clit as I walked.

He had me so jumbled, so crazed. We never talked about it ending – that was unfathomable to us, though we fucked like it was the end of the world, against a wall, or doggy style with my head shoved into pillows to stifle the screams. He was hard and fast and perfect, and at the end of it all, he was sweet. He allowed me to sleep against his chest, drool on his pillows, get long brown hairs all over his sheets. We snuck to the kitchens at night, grabbed giant bowls of ice cream or popcorn or something fun, something delicious.

Kate noticed something different, obviously. I was spending next to zero time with her, but she was smart and loyal, and only smiled at me whenever I said I needed to go… go… somewhere.

The last three nights of the cruise, it seemed like time both stopped and sped up so fast, I couldn't keep it in my hands. I couldn't imagine being without Edward now. He was all over me, all over my skin, my hands, my thoughts. How was I supposed to walk off this ship and go back to my life, when I knew that he was out there, floating in the Pacific?

I stared at him, with the guitar in his lap, the only thing covering up his entirely naked body. He was so lovely, so beautiful it hurt. His hair was damp from the sweat we had expelled together just ten minutes earlier, and his eyes were on me as he strummed. He smiled at me, and I smiled back, even though I was fairly sure my heart was breaking.

I pulled on a shirt of his over my bare body, and I settled into his pillows. He watched me the entire time, and his gentle gaze made me want to cry.

"What's wrong, Bella?" he asked softly, the music from the guitar seeming to ask the same question.

I shrugged, not sure how to voice it. "This past week and a half…"

He put down the guitar immediately, like he knew he would need his hands for this conversation.

I tried again. "How can I… we've never talked about… about this." I gestured between us. "And that's fine. But I'm going to miss you so much…"

"Bella…" he whispered, and crawled over to me, on top of me. His weight rested against me, and it was so comfortable and familiar. He pressed a kiss to my chest, and I sighed. "Don't you know how much I'm going to miss you?"

I shook my head. "No. I mean, yes… but I want to hear it. I need to, Edward."

He wrapped his arms around me and reversed our position, where I was sprawled across his chest instead.

"I'm twenty-seven years old," he started. "I graduated from college early – from high school early. I'm pretty damn book smart, Bella. I became a pediatrician at twenty-five… the youngest that hospital had ever hired. My parents were so proud, I could feel their smiles all the way from home." He swept hair off my neck and pressed an absent kiss there. "But I was miserable."

I swept my fingers against his taut stomach, listening.

"That feels good," he whispered in my ear before continuing. "My whole young life, I had been propelling – or was being propelled – forward. Everything went by so fast, right in front of my eyes. Piano lessons, guitar lessons, French tutor, tennis lessons… I know I sound like a whiney snob right now, but it was completely stifling."

I kissed all over his chest, running my tongue against his nipples lightly, listening to his soft moans. "And so…"

"One day, this kid's illness completely swept by me. He ended up in the hospital for weeks and weeks because I missed this one big indicator that he had H1N1. He almost died, when I could have caught it early… made it less painful for him, for his parents." He tightened his hold against me. "So I searched and searched… then I found an opening on this cruise as basically nothing but a glorified laundress – but I took it. I…"

"You…" I coaxed.

"I sold everything I owned. Every single possession. I put all the money from it in savings, and it's sitting there, collecting interest, in case I ever decide I need to go dry dock again. But for now, it's just me and this ship. That's how it's been for a year now, Bella. I haven't been with a woman since I climbed on this ship. I know that seems ridiculous to you, especially considering how easy it was for you to seduce me…"

I giggled against his stomach, dropping kisses lower and lower.

"…but I never wanted anything that could tie me down. I wanted to be free. And then you came along…"

I took him into my mouth suddenly. He was semi-erect against my tongue, and I swallowed against him.

He hissed, air rushing through his teeth. He grabbed at my hair. "Fuck, girl…"

I took him back out of my mouth and pumped him in my fist. He was completely hard now, against my palm. "Continue or you get nothing…"

"Ugh… and then you came along – shit, Bella, are you serious – and now… - fucking shit, girl, what are you doing, that has to be illegal… - and now my heart's involved, it's so involved – Bella, Bella, stop, fuck fuck fuck…" He grabbed at my hair and pulled me up. "Ride me, please. Let me see you…"

I rode him, let him fill me up, and it was just like all the other times and it wasn't at all like the other times.

xXxXx

I had always prided myself on my ability to cut my losses and move on. I was a loner, and I always had been. People came and went. Life was transient. You were supposed to live in the moment, and then keep pushing on, waiting for that next meteor flashing across the sky.

But I cried packing my last night on that ship. I cried so hard snot ran down my face, mixing in my tears. My nose was red, puffy, disgusting. My eyes were nearly swollen shut, and I could hardly see what I was doing.

My life had been irrevocably changed on the cruise. It was supposed to be a tranquil experience, something to help me get over losing my first big person job, something to help me focus on myself for a while, regroup, move on. Instead, it brought me to the biggest upside down cake my world had ever seen.

I was in love.

It wasn't some big revelation, some ta-da moment. I didn't know all there was to know about Mister Edward Cullen, holder of a PhD and a trust fund the size of my small hometown. I was sure there were things about him that I'd find annoying, that I'd want to smack right out of him. Maybe he clipped his toenails or ate crackers in bed. Maybe he snored when he was sick. Maybe he hated Gene Kelly movies. Maybe he hated Christmas.

But it boiled down to the fact that there was nothing I could think of, save being a mass murderer, that would make me want to walk away from him. But life had dealt me the one man that I wanted to share my space with indefinitely, and then dealt him to me in the way that I couldn't share my space with him any longer.

He was making his nightly rounds, and he promised that he would stop by. I wanted to touch him, smell him, watch him come one last time, but I didn't think I had the energy. I didn't feel sexy. I just felt defeated.

He came in fifteen minutes later, and immediately fumbled for a towel to wipe my face.

"Oh, Bella…" he said softly, cleaning away my tears and snot and gross.

"What am I going to do?" I wailed, finally breaking down into full on sobs. I wrapped my arms around him, and he held me close, so close, like he wanted to meld me to him.

"I don't know," he whispered against my hair, kissing my forehead, my ears, anything he could reach. "I wish I knew. I wish I did. I wish I could say we'll figure it out, that it will all be okay. But I just don't fucking know, Bella. I don't."

We laid down on the bed, quiet. He rested his head against my stomach, and I brushed my fingers through his hair, tears streaming down my face the whole time.

"Can I talk to you about something?" he asked after a while, rubbing his stubbly cheek against my skin.

"Yes," I whispered. "You can talk to me about anything."

He kissed my fingers, and then held them to his face. "There may be a way, Bella."

I jumped immediately. "What? What? Tell me. I'll do anything. Anything!"

"Anything?" he whispered, looking up at me with dubious eyes. "Anything to stay with a man you've known for two weeks?"

"Yes," I said. "Yes. Anything."

He sighed against my palm and placed his lips against my wrist. "There are a couple new positions open on the ship. They're awful jobs… doing laundry and cleaning bathrooms – you'd be a maid, Bella. But we could be together. There are no policies against workers… they understand loneliness, I guess. We wouldn't have to sneak around – and we'd… we'd be together."

I was silent. I'd have to leave behind everything I knew to be with him. My parents, my friends, my apartment, my job searching, my Masters degree I was still working on. I'd have to cast it all away for something I had scoffed at for so long: love.

"I don't…" I said after a few minutes. He must have heard the indecision in my voice.

"It's okay," he said quickly. "I knew it was a long shot. You deserve so much more than to be cleaning up someone else's vomit or piss, or to fucking fold towels into animals. You're so smart, so incredible. The world needs someone like you."

"Do you need someone like me?" I asked suddenly, propping myself up on my elbows.

"No," he said, and my heart fell. "I don't need someone like you. I need you. Exactly who you are, every day, all the time. I want you to stay with me. I don't want to be selfish and beg you, because I know that you have so much you want to accomplish. I don't want to hold you back, tie you down. I know what it feels like to be – to be suffocated, but fuck me, Bella – I love you so much, so stupid much, that I'm begging you. I'm begging you. Don't leave me."

xXxXx

I applied for the job the next day, and I was hired on the spot. I asked them to give me two weeks to go back on the mainland to settle my affairs, to say goodbye to my parents and friends. They granted me that.

Saying goodbye to Edward was so easy that morning. We were playful and smiling as we made love, kissing and touching and laughing into each other's mouths. He shared my space, my air, and I stole his, his breath, his giggles, his love. I held it so close to me, because it was the most precious thing on the earth to me. More precious than any independence, any solitude, any silence.

I didn't know if taking this chance on love would work out for the best or for the worst, or forever. But that was the thing about chances – sometimes, even if the risks are huge, if the outcome outweighs the risk, you just have to take it and fly.

I kissed Edward one last time, and he clung to me, and we whispered that we loved each other, even though that wasn't necessary. If this leap of faith we were making wasn't love, then what was?

As Kate and I walked down the ramp to the dock, she asked me if I was okay. I hadn't told her about my decision yet – it was still new to me, still precious, and I was holding it close to me, like a delicious secret.

I turned at the last second and saw Edward, my Edward, the free spirit who took a chance on life and love and me, leaning against the railing, smiling at me.

"Is it hard to say goodbye?" Kate asked me, following my gaze with a sad smile.

"No," I whispered.

It wasn't really a goodbye.

It was a see you real soon.

The title of this o/s comes from the song "A Drop in the Ocean" by Ron Pope.
It's just a drop in the ocean, a change in the weather... I was praying that you and me might end up together.

The song Edward sings in the bar is "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues" by Sir Elton John. If you follow me on twitter, you know my love for the Elton.

Thanks again to snowgood. and thank you to YOU, yes you, the person reading this right now. You're why I continue to write for this fandom. 3