Can't Stop

She slaps her—hard and Naomi winces as her head jerks back. Then she grabs Naomi by that ridiculous collar of hers and pulls her close, "You think I like doing this," she hisses, lips close to Naomi's ear, breathing ragged.

"You think I like feeling like shit?"

Naomi tilts her head and smirks at her and her lip has a little cut on it, and she sees the shine of blood.

"Dunno Katiekins, you tell me?"

It's wrong, Katie thinks as she tangles her fingers in Naomi's hair, so fucking wrong. But that doesn't stop her this time. And it didn't stop her last time either.

Naomi's lips taste like cherry lip gloss and blood.

Katie can't even look Emily in the eyes anymore. Can't be in the same room with her without feeling suffocated.

"Where's Emily," Katie shouts in Naomi's ear at the club. The bass is vibrating through the floor and everything feels like being stuck in a blender, lights, sounds, feelings.

"Loo," Naomi replies and bites down on Katie's earlobe before sucking it in between her teeth.

Katie turns around and puts her hands on Naomi's waist, pushing her away and gripping her at the same time, "This shouldn't be happening."

"Come round mine later," Naomi says back and there's that fucking look in her eye and despite herself, Katie nods.

Naomi slides her hand slowly down Katie's arm and what's worse, Katie sees Emily. Sees her snaking her way through the crowd, smiling, not seeing Naomi's fingers that have reached down to mingle with Katie's fingers.

"Fucking stop it," Katie says and jerks her hand back.

All Naomi does is smirk at her and tosses her a wink before going and meeting Emily halfway.

Katie moves with the crowd. Loses Naomi. Feels lost herself.

They fuck on the floor in Naomi's room and Katie will have carpet burn for days.

She lights a cigarette when they're done and watches the smoke curl up towards the ceiling.

Naomi sits up and her shirt is hanging lazily off her shoulders, Katie never got around to taking it off fully. Katie sees her back. Sees scratch marks as the shirt dips low past one shoulder.

Without thinking she reaches up and slides one finger down them. Naomi turns and looks at her in surprise.

"Do they hurt," Katie asks.

Naomi reaches and plucks the cigarette from her fingers and takes a drag. "I'll live," she says long moments later when Katie has almost forgotten the question.

"Why do we keep doing this," Katie asks-her voice raw.

Naomi puts the cigarette out on the carpet and climbs wearily up into bed, "Stay if you want."

It's new and a bit frightening that she's said that, they've never stayed together before and Katie feels her heart rate pick up unreasonably.

"Alright," she hears herself saying before she even can think of an answer. When Katie crawls up into bed, Naomi turns away from her and burrows under the duvet.

"Goodnight," Naomi whispers when Katie has almost drifted off.

Naomi wakes up in the middle of the night and nearly fucks Katie through the bed.

She walks home later feeling a bit bow legged and tired. Her heels dangle from her fingertips and her eyes remain on the sidewalk, watching for glass and other sharp things.

Stupid, she thinks.

Katie spends a long time in the shower these days, scrubbing her hair, running soapy fingers down her arms and legs repeatedly.

It never washes off.

Katie catches the tail end of the argument as she comes home from college.

"…can't do this anymore!"

"Ems, calm down, you must've done it not realized it."

"It's not just this once, Naomi. Fucking….I don't just claw the fuck out of your back or bite your tits or your thighs and don't remember. I thought it was just a one off but then it happened again and again and again…" Emily trails off and Katie can hear her start sobbing.

"Do you even love me anymore," she continues with tears in her voice.

Katie hears Naomi make a strangled sound, "I don't know how to answer that question."

"Get out."

"Emily…"

"Get the fuck out, right now!"

Naomi practically sprints out of the family room and bumps into Katie. Katie grips her arms and looks wildly into her blue eyes.

"I didn't give you away," Naomi whispers and kisses her cheek softly which stuns Katie on the spot because it's the gentlest thing she's ever done…like ever. Naomi disengages and walking towards the door, "Go to her, she needs her sister right now."

Katie hugs Emily while she cries and hates herself more with every passing minute.

She goes out and gets fucked up. Beyond. Cook gives her some pills and she's floating, flying, and she's weightless and none of this matters anymore.

Naomi appears out of nowhere and grips her wrist. She pulls Katie outside, jerking her roughly through the crowd. It'll leave bruises, her grip.

The night air bites into Katie's skin and she feels like its needles and they'll tear her apart so she lets out a sharp cry at the thought until Naomi pushes her against the rough brick of the alley way, and their bodies are so close Katie feels like they'll become one person somehow. And its fine, she thinks, perfectly fine because sometimes when they're fucking and Naomi's fingers rub just the right way or her blue eyes will stop on Katie's face and just look, those times, Katie will think that, yeah she just gets it.

Naomi kisses roughly down her neck, biting and sucking and Katie leans back, places a consoling hand on Naomi's shoulder because this feels sad somehow.

"I can't Katie," Naomi gasps and Katie feels tears touch her chest, "I can't stop. I tried, honest to God I tried."

It's the drugs probably but Katie like…hums and wraps both her arms around Naomi and pulls her close.

"It's ok," Katie murmurs, "You're my person."

Naomi pulls back and looks startled for a second and when Katie just smiles sleepily at her, Naomi bursts into tears. Awful, horrible sobs that wrack her body and they shake Katie too because she still has her arms around Naomi.

They take a taxi together back to Naomi's and by the time they pull up at the house, Katie is mostly sober and so fucking nervous she can't even see straight.

She shoves Naomi down on the bed and it feels familiar as they sink into one another but when Katie jerks down Naomi's skirt with a rough tug and Naomi balks, Katie realizes this isn't at all familiar territory.

"What's wrong," Katie whispers into the darkness.

She sees dimly in the moonlight shining through the window as Naomi shakes her head and leans up, kissing Katie once, almost chastely.

"Can we just…I don't want to hurt anymore, okay? Maybe just this once?"

Katie ducks her head, burrowing it in the space between Naomi's shoulder and neck. "Fuck," she sighs.

Naomi doesn't say anything but just threads her fingers through Katie's hair, smoothing it out and Katie realizes the touch is missing the usual sharp tugs and fingers tangling.

"Yeah," Katie says, "Maybe just this once."

When Naomi comes she's got her hands gripping the blankets above her head and Katie's jaw feels like someone punched her repeatedly.

She pulls away a bit reluctantly though and kisses the inside of Naomi's thigh once before climbing tiredly up to lay next to Naomi.

"Christ you're good at that," Naomi says minutes later when it seems she's got a bit of her breath back.

Katie licks her lips and still tastes Naomi, "Thanks," she mumbles.

Naomi rolls over and wraps a skinny arm around Katie's waist. It feels weird and Katie stiffens for a moment but Naomi doesn't move an inch.

Katie eventually relaxes and drifts of to sleep and it's nice, when someone doesn't give up on you.

They don't change quickly or easily.

They fight more than any couple reasonably should and sometimes the sex turns angry again.

Once a few weeks into the change, Katie had flirted with Freddie in front of Naomi on purpose. Wanted to see the reaction, wanted to see what this all meant to Naomi.

Naomi had pushed her into a bathroom stall and shoved three fingers inside her without much warning.

"Don't do that again," she'd growled out, while pushing into Katie again and again and it hurt a bit but Katie moaned and her head had banged against the stall.

Afterwards, Naomi had looked ashamed so Katie had kissed her slowly and sweetly, running her fingers through soft, blonde hair.

"Is this enough for you," Naomi had asked.

The question had put so much fear into Katie not because this wasn't enough—but because sometimes she thought it was far too much.

They had big conversations in only a few words.

"I'm taking a gap year, staying in Bristol," Naomi said one day while flipping through a magazine.

Katie turned away from the telly and craned her head to look back at Naomi, "Yeah, well…I am too."

"Okay," Naomi said putting down the magazine and staring at her.

"Okay then."

Katie went back to watching Project Runway reruns and a few minutes later she heard pages turning.

One day, while just tracing her fingers over Naomi's flat tummy, Katie asks, "Where do you think we'd be if you hadn't asked for things to change that night?"

She doesn't have to specify which night because really it was the start.

Naomi hums and cranes her head down to look at Katie, sleepy smile on her face, "I'd probably be right here actually. With bruises, sore as fuck, and feeling slightly guilty about loving you that fiercely but I'd still be here."

The "L" word makes Katie stop and look up.

Naomi shakes her head, "You do know, don't you? Like…you must know by now."

Then she looks at Katie so painfully open and with such blue fucking eyes that Katie almost can't speak.

"I do now."

Katie kicks Naomi's ragged dresser. "There's no more fucking space for my clothes in this thing. What am I supposed to wear tonight?"

Naomi looks over at her irritated, "Wear whatever the fuck you want, we're late."

With a sigh, Katie grabs a random top, "I'm just saying there's no more space is there? Not in your closet either."

Naomi throws down her mascara, "Katie, I'll clear some room for you honestly but right now we…"

"That's not even what I'm saying," Katie blurts out.

Naomi blinks at her reflection in the mirror for a second before turning to face Katie, "Oh."

Katie shakes her head fiercely, "Well whatever, if you don't even want to like, talk about it or…"

"Katie," Naomi says softly, "We'll start looking tomorrow, okay?"

Katie can't breathe and for some reason there are tears in her eyes. "Yeah okay," she answers, trying to sound unbothered by the whole thing

Naomi smirks and turns back to the mirror, "Now hurry the fuck up and zip me while you're at it."

They fuck in every room of the new apartment. But then again there's only five so they do it two more times in the bedroom just to make it feel worth it.

"If after uni," Naomi starts one day at the kitchen table, "if I got a job here. Would you want to stay?"

Katie carefully sets down her fork and stares at the noodles on her plate before answering, "I'd still be here, yes."

"And if I wanted to go somewhere else," Naomi asks.

Katie rolls her eyes and picks her fork back up, "Then I'd be there I guess."

They tell Emily together in a coffee shop. She leaves. Doesn't talk to Katie for three months.

Naomi holds Katie when she cries sometimes at night.

Emily finally calls on a rainy Saturday and Katie is just getting ready to head to work.

Emily is crying and Katie sits down on her couch and they talk on the phone for an hour. Katie's boss fires her for being late but when Katie tells Naomi, she just kisses Katie on the forehead.

"You did the right thing, babes."

They're lying in bed, holding each other and it's hard to believe sometimes that they're the same people from three years ago.

"Will you want to be doing this a year from now, two years from now? Forever," Naomi asks.

Katie untangles herself a bit and hovers over Naomi's warm body, "You're my person," she says simply.

And Naomi cries again but this time it's for a different reason entirely.