Prompt: Mary-Sue accidentally takes a group of people along with her. Unfortunately for her that group turns out to be much more bearable, personable and useful than her.

A/N: Multi-crossover, just for kicks and lulz. Incomplete, I just lost inspiration and honestly forgot where I was going with this.

This story began in the middle of a bustling metropolis in a moderately sized and rather successful coffeehouse that was definitely not a Starbucks. This coffee shop could be in any large city in the world; New York, London, Rome. Wherever you think this 'girl' could or should be found.

It's probably not relevant but this lovely little business has a partnership with a wonderful bakery and sells the most divine treats. Great drinks, great sandwich bar and the most delicious baked goods you could imagine. Naturally enough, lots of people came here to sample the wares. Perhaps it would have been better for 'Miss Sue' if this place had not been so popular. After all, it's hard to stand out in a crowd.

[~~~~]

It was a Friday morning when the anomaly opened up in space and transported not one but unusually four separate individuals out from the top of the line in the Coffee shop. This included a member of staff working the till, a university student who was buying a tray of coffee to share with some friends, a well-dressed businesswoman who appeared to be approaching middle-age and a strangely colourful teenage (?) girl that periodically sighed and talked to herself.

The dark-skinned student had given the girl a cursory look to make sure she wasn't using a hands-free telephone kit or singing along to her MP3 player before putting a few judicious spaces between them.

The staff member was more concerned with doing his job. (What a sensible man, really admirable.)

The business woman (well, she was wearing a flattering suit and reading a folded up copy of The Financial Times) was there for a large cup of the special and one of those perfectly baked brownie squares. She had given the teenage a measured expression of disapproval but made no move to address the girl judging the possible mental instability to be none of her business whatsoever.

Thus we have established how misunderstood Mary-Sue is. Oh, that poor child! If only there was someone who could understand this young beauty and her unusual but special characteristics. She is scorned and derided by complete and utter strangers who had absolutely no interest in her, beyond the common sensibility of 'don't-stand-too-close-to-that-crazy-person-or-that-guy-who-smells-of-something-funny'.

[~~~~]

Mary-Sue had three lines of thought:

'Cute' boys.

Her own romantic aspirations.

How no-one understood/appreciated her 'special-ness'

Right now she was feeling somewhat miffed that the older boy in front of her had paid no heed of her soulful eyes and was currently giving her a view of the back of his coat which, most unfortunately in her opinion, covered his rear completely thus giving her nothing to look at as far as she was concerned. Mary Sue sighed deeply and dramatically (for the fifth time in the last five minutes) as she wished with all of her soul that she could go somewhere that she would be truly appreciated. A place full of attentive and/or attractive young men where they would notice her beauty, her talents and her secretly hidden powers. (She just knew she had them.)

She sighed once more and twined a strand of her completely natural multi-coloured hair around her finger before tilting her hips in a way which would show off her enviable figure. (Slim, trim and a generous bust line naturally!) It was at times like this that her heart longed for someone that could understand her….whoa, déjà vu. Anyway, someone who would appreciate her like she obviously deserved and would support her while she soared high on glittery, angelic wings, scattering searing white feathers in her wake. Someone like, someone like….Roronoa Zoro!

Okay, he wasn't real but he'd be sooooooooo perfect for her! That scowl. That frequently displayed and utterly lickable body. That grumpy disposition just looking for someone to understand him! (The author would like to take this moment to point out that she does not wish to oversimplify one Mr. Zoro but she does not want to get to close to this female for reasons of personal safety.) She squeed to herself while swearing her eternal love to the (fictional) pirate. The woman behind her took a deliberate step back and looked at her askance.

Mary-Sue sighed to herself and played with the collar of her skimpy shirt, pulling it down to show off more cleavage. She'd join the crew to be with Zoro and his loyalty to her would supersede that of his crew. Sanji'd get jealous of course and maybe she'd flirt with him a little but he dressed oddly and had a funny looking eyebrow so Zoro would beat him up and they'd be forced to leave. Luffy would be furious with Sanji because he'd accepted her as a sister. Instead she'd go on a journey with Zoro to meet her adopted brother Ace.

They'd run into all sorts of people along the way. Shanks would realise she was actually his long lost daughter that he had sent away for her own safety. Trafalgar Law and Eustass Kidd would fight over her and Ace would get involved until she put an end to it and they bowed out for the sake of her happiness.

Mary-Sue giggled inanely to herself and began to drool as she began to map out her plan for domination of the world of One Piece.

[~~~~~]

In Japan, one Eiichiro Oda blinked as he thought he felt a chill run down his spine.

[~~~~~]

The anomaly was completely unexpected (as rips in the fabric of space and time usually are.) The gaping maw opened in the middle of the coffee shop and Mary-Sue threw her hands up to her mouth screaming in terror as the (suspiciously tentacle-like) tendrils of black matter stretched out and surrounded the girl (?). Unfortunately for the perfectly normal and upstanding members of society in her vicinity they were lassoed too.

Mary-Sue gasped dramatically and tears gathered on her long, lustrous lashes. (Although how anyone would want lustrous eyelashes instead of hair is beyond me) "NO! Take me instead!" she shouted dramatically. (Even though this made no sense seeing as all four of them had been grabbed simultaneously.) The cashier winced at her shrill tone and the businesswoman looked at her incredulously. The student, turning to leave with his tray of coffees and packet of pastries blinked in surprise at the familiar appendages and the great looming eye that had opened in the roof of the shop. He only had a chance to briefly wonder why it seemed to resemble the gate (to an unreasonable degree) from the animation he'd watched with his brother a few weeks back before he was swallowed up by the gaping darkness.

Within a few moments the four individuals were gone. The remaining customers stared at the spot for a moment before casually reforming the line. Another staff member took over the till while one of the employees manning the pastry display did the sensible thing and contacted the emergency services for 'unnatural occurrences/acts of god/holes in reality'

It wasn't the hole in existence that was troubling so much as the fact that it had abducted four human beings.

[~~~~]

It was an ordinary day for the Straw-hat pirates. That is to say, about as calm and orderly as it could ever get on the ship of infamous and powerful pirates. Thus, they were mildly perturbed when a black hole of tentacles opened up in midair and deposited four people on the immaculately tended lawn of the Thousand Sunny.

Two females and two males. Three adults and one teenager. One looking surprised but thrilled. Three looking bewildered but seriously pissed off.

There was an awkward silence for a moment before the darker man turned to the man in an apron and spoke. "You know, if I'd taken a sip of these coffees I could probably feel free to blame you for spiking the beverages."

"That would be very unprofessional." The man replied "It wouldn't explain the shared aspect of the hallucinations anyway."

The woman smoothed the fabric of suit as she righted herself and smiled minutely. "I noticed you didn't deny that it is a legitimate possibility Mr. Coffeeshop."

"Hoi! Don't say things like that in front of my customers you old bitch!"

The woman merely laughed unrepentedly and picked up her Financial Times.

Mary-Sue was surprised that these old and ugly people had been brought along but there must be a reason. To play the 'straight man' she supposed or, even more likely, to stand against her and her love. Speaking of which….

[~~~~]

Sanji sighed and lit up a new cigarette as he exited the galley. He frowned over to where he could see Zoro staring down to the lower deck. Sanji, being an expert in marimos, could see from the terse set of his shoulders so he aimed a kick at them.

Zoro casually blocked and nodded in greeting.

"What's got you so wound up, Marimo?"

"Four people just appeared out of mid-air."

"Ah, I see…wait what?"

Zoro pointed towards the group on the deck. The older trio seemed to be cautiously examining their surroundings in honest confusion but the youngest girl was staring at him with huge watery eyes. The swordsman was pointedly refusing to meet her eyes.

"And yet this isn't the weirdest thing I've seen on the Grand Line." He lowered his voice "what's with the girl? Did she get caught in a Seaking or something? The others are dressed for winter island weather but hers are barely there."

Sanji frowned "Don't talk about ladies like that you shit-head."

Zoro gave the cook a perplexed look. "Shouldn't you be crying 'Mellorine' and doing that spin dance thing right now? That response lacked your usual vigour."

Sanji puffed and looked shifty before leaning in to quietly mutter "I'm not entirely sure that's a woman yet. 'She' feels off somehow."

"Well, she's been giving me a creepy look since she got here. Kind of like how Luffy looks at meat."

[~~~~]

Mary-Sue was thrilled. ZORO! The love of her life was there. This couldn't be any better. Unfortunately he was on the other side of the ship and seemed quite determined to stay there. No worries though, she had plenty of time to introduce herself now.

She started from her reverie to find the old lady in the suit giving her a funny look. "What?" She started back, a little unnerved. Was the older woman jealous of her youth and beauty? "What is it?" she whimpered "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Hmm, Oh sorry dear. I didn't mean to stare." The older woman smiled reassuringly "But I was wondering just what happened to your clothes. They were mostly fine before…whatever that was."

"She had a point there you know." The man who had been manning the till commented "The worst you could say about the rest of us is that we're looking a bit windswept. You look like you picked a fight with a lawnmower."

"And lost." The woman cheerfully added "Oh, it's not your fault but it is rather strange."

There were a few scattered snickers from the pirates. The student, who was still holding a tray of coffees smothered a laugh and patted the younger girl on the shoulder feeling sorry for her. (Mary-Sue immediately assumed he was in love with her and welled up with tears because she would have no choice but to break his heart. Oh, cruel fates!)

"I think we can agree that this is real so why don't we introduce ourselves and decide what to do."

"That'd be a good idea." Franky stepped forward "It seems to me that this wasn't intentional and that you all mean no harm."

('Aside from the pitying looks the weird girl keeps giving me')

Mary-Sue turned grateful wet eyes upon the cyborg as the others (having noticed the Jolly Roger and plethora of weapons) thanked him politely.

"Well, I'll go first then shall I?" The man with the apron shrugged and shoved his hands into his pockets. "My name is Branklin. I'm the owner and barista of Coffee A.A. From where we were…'abducted' by the entity."

"But why were you working in the shop if you own it?" Mary-Sue burst in.

Branklin cocked his head and gave her a look of disbelief before shaking his head and indicating that the well-dressed woman should go next.

"I've known Branklin and his family for many years…" She began "Just call me Harris."

"First or last names?" Usopp interrupted.

Harris simply smiled in an undeniably sultry manner and said no more. (Sanji did mellorine to this. Ah, the charms of the mature lady!)

The student (If you've ever been to a university, you'll understand the look he had that let you know this. Something in his manner of dress, how he stood – he looked like a student) had very dark skin. The sort of shade that was far closer to black than brown letting his white teeth leap put from his face. "I'm John. I'm a graduate student looking to go into medical research."

Mary Sue pouted and pressed a hand to her (ample) chest and was interrupted by John.

"Look, do you want to borrow my coat?"

She blinked "What?"

"Well, your clothes are shredded although I'm not really sure just how you managed to do that."

Harris nodded "Oddity aside, it's really inappropriate. It's very kind of John to offer."

Mary-Sue reeled back. This was her body. How dare they? Fascists! She scowled and turned her back on John and the coat he offered her. He shared an exasperated look with the other adults.

Nami rolled her eyes in disgust and snapped her fingers. "Listen you, put on the damn coat before we put you off the boat. It's not exactly the time for nonsense."

Mary-Sue sneered at Nami and jerked on the woollen coat, buttoning it up when Harris arched a brow in her direction. She should have known that money-grubbing bitch would be jealous of her spectacular body.

Robin glanced at Mary-Sue briefly before turning to the clearly more reasonable individuals. "So, you seem to have been the victims of some sort of dimensional anomaly although the youngest member of your company is the only one that seems to have come close to a violent and unpleasant death."

John shifted the tray of coffees, that he had miraculously managed to hang onto, and shrugged "Actually, we're not even really acquainted. We're just the four people at the top of the queue in the shop."

"Actually," Harris spoke up "that's not wholly correct there John. Branklin and I have known each other…professionally, for many years now."

Mary-Sue, who was getting more and more testy as the conversation went on, sneered at the older woman (and as sneers go, it was ridiculously pathetic and childish) and crossed her arms under her breasts to emphasise the re-exposed cleavage. "Professionally, huh? I can only imagine what a tramp like you gets up to."

Putting aside the fact that Mary-Sue was dressed, in all honesty, like a tart even before the freak occurrence, and that Madame Harris was dressed like a respectable (and classy) member of society this was utterly uncalled for. Adding to that, the fact that Harris had not actually done anything to deserve such reactions, Mary-Sue was well out of line. The appalled looks the people around her supported this but, dear reader, that is oddly not the problem that arises from this ill-thought and childish action. The new problem is that, while this woman has done her admirable best to deal with this unsettling and sanity-challenging situation she is actually at the end of her tether.

Branklin tsked and shook his head in disgust. "You'll deserve it you know" he advised Mary-Sue.

Mary-Sue for her part was busy trying not to flinch and keep her eyes on the barrel of the gun pointed between her eyes.

Harris smiled and tightened her grip on the trigger "Little barely-dressed Miss" she purred "It is turning out to be a rather difficult day and if you continue to aggravate me then I'm afraid you'll have to be added to the heap."

Mary-Sue whimpered in fear. Why wasn't anyone helping her? Surely the Straw-Hat Pirates wouldn't stand for this sort of thing? Well, unfortunately for Miss Sue, they were Pirates and each and every one of them, at one time or another, had actually killed someone. While they weren't the sort to attack or kill someone for no reason, by their standards Mary-Sue had started a fight with Harris and by extension accepted all of the extenuating circumstances that go along with it. In short, you don't shoot a Sea-King unless you're prepared to be bitten.

"Bu-But, you can't do this!" she wailed "It's wrong, it's unjust. Somebody HELP ME!" The girl burst into tears and Harris winched at the sound before drawing her gun back.

Robin hummed in amusement before turning her gaze to their male visitors "I notice you're not particularly perturbed by acts of violence towards a young girl."

"You make that sound really dubious." Branklin frowned "She clearly picked a fight. A lesser or more violent individual would have already killed the brat. I don't know how she was raised but you don't speak to your elders like that unless you have a death wish."

"To be fair" Harris smiled "My Son-in-Law would have already killed her."

Branklin snorted "That's Xanxus. He's never been the sort to settle for any disrespect."

John shrugged "Well, would you instinctively expect anything different from Mafia?"

Branklin and Harris immediately answered "No, not really."

Mary-Sue blinked. Something familiar tugged on her mind. Did she know this? There was something…no, it didn't matter. What she did know for sure was that these apparent strangers were all Mafioso and that shouldn't fit into One Piece.

"I thought you didn't know each other." She accused from her sprawl on the deck.

"Not personally." John assured her "I only know of Madame Harris by her colourful reputation. I'm associated with some support divisions of Vongola. I've worked with Trident Shamal. Mr. Branklin is not actually an active member of any faction but his family are known for their poison cooking."

Sanji looked horrified and began snarling. Branklin winced at that expression. "I'm a Barista. I only use those skills to protect myself and my allies. I don't like to waste good food."

Luffy hadn't any input for the moment but he had decided that the old lady was really, really cool.

"Okay, let's sum up." Zoro made his way across the grassy deck. "You three are..Mafioso, what is that anyway?"

"Organised crime." Harris admitted "I do many things for Varia (My youngest daughter is married to a member) and Vongola but I am, in essence, a hitman."

"Have you ever worked with Reborn? I've always wondered what he's like." John idly asked.

"I have. He's enormously skilled and in all honesty, really, really cool." She laughed "I have good all round skills but I'm primarily a sharp shooter."

"Lovely lady your skills are most impressive." Sanji gushed. "A woman who can defend herself is nothing but admirable."

Harris smiled and accepted the compliment in the intended spirit leaving Sanji to mellorine away happily before turning to Mary-Sue "Now, let's move on. Care to introduce yourself Miss?"

Mary-Sue drew herself up, managing to display an impressive amount of flesh despite the voluminous folds of the borrowed coat. (Pretty impressive considering it was comfortably loose on a man a foot taller and fairly broad on the shoulders.) "My name" she began as if beginning a truly grandiose statement "is MARY SUE." She blinked and paused. That was not what she was going to say at all! This was One Piece, she had to be someone of importance in this world – a relation of a Shichibukai, a Yonkou, a D for Gods sake. But something had stopped her from saying it.

"Mary-Sue, huh?" Luffy scratched his rear indifferently "Well, it's really nice to meet you guys? What was that tentacle mystery hole thing?"

The others didn't seem to notice anything unusual but John had muffled a snicker at her introduction because Post-graduate researching deadly diseases he may be but the man was genre-savvy and acquainted with TV Tropes.

While Mary-Sue pondered the mystery of what had prevented her from giving a proper introduction the others channelled their energies into contemplating the nature of the anomaly and what could be done to reverse it. (I'll save you the extensive technical theorizing – nothing within anyones power, they were stuck.)

=BREAK=

Robin was fairly 'trope-savvy' as they say and was thus unsurprised to see Miss 'Mary-Sue' appear. She was travelling with several attractive and charismatic young men. Those 'females' tended to appear every now and then. She had seen one when she was with Crocodile (Who had swiftly 'hooked' the girl/lizard/whatever she professed to be.) What was interesting though was that something seemed to…thwart the girl and it was somehow associated with the individuals that had been caught up in her transport.

What was particularly interesting though, was that they seemed to be legitimately skilled in their own right.

Harris, a confessed hitman, seemed to pull an unusual variety of custom-made pistols out of nowhere. When she fought, it seemed as though a strange aura surrounded her. Plus, she was an educated and intelligent woman, not to mention a scintillating conversationalist. Robin did so enjoy her.

Branklin proved to be an excellent chef and had taught Sanji how to improve his coffee recipes ad well as sharing the advanced techniques of 'latte art'. Despite Sanjis fairly legitimate misgivings, his 'poison cooking' was useful and judiciously applied. It worked particularly well on kairouseki cuffs so they were glad to have it.

John, she noticed, didn't discuss the particulars of the research he planned to pursue (even if she could accurately guess) but nevertheless was extremely well educated in medicine. Offensively, he seemed to pull scalpels out of nowhere and throw them with unerring accuracy and force. Chopper was familiar with the technique.

They were useful and cordial allies. Their 'Mafia' background leaving them jaded to a lot of the strange things that seemed to happen. Mary-Sue on the other hand really shouldn't have been on the Grand Line at all.

=BREAK=

Mary-Sue was frustrated beyond belief. Sure, she was on the Thousand Sunny, in the company of the Straw-hat Pirates and all but nothing was going as she planned.

Zoro wouldn't pay her any attention! She had gotten herself banned from the gym within a day and Nami wouldn't lend her any clothes! She had to make do with old things from Usopp or Luffy but the second time after 'improving' the outfits to something more flattering she had been warned by the sniper that she'd get no more if she continued to destroy them.

It made no sense whatsoever! Even Sanji of all people avoided her, practically freaking out if she came near him and wailing about Okamas….what was an Okama anyway?

Worse still, no devil fruit had come her way nor had her Haki awakened. In fact, it seemed that the old woman was the only one who seemed to have anything of the sort. Mary shuddered. Such a violent and terrible old hag she was. Pointing a gun at her whenever she said anything.

They were beginning to talk about dumping her at an island soon. This wasn't how it was supposed to go at all…

A/N:

Found this in the back of a folder long after I lost my inspiration. In short, a quasi-Reborn crossover with some minor but accomplished Vongola associates being drawn along with Mary-Sue. Their presence simply disrupts all Sue powers to a hilarious degree and sets up a Fail!field around the girl.

It particularly hurts as seeing as they get on much better with everyone they meet by dint of basic manners and being generally polite and friendly while Sue is left out in the cold more often than not.

Then there is the fact that they're all reasonably skilled with sharp-shooting, poison cooking, field medicine and throwing really sharp knives at their enemies.

I couldn't decide whether to go the ROFL route or make Sue grow into an actual human being but then I decided WTH, she's established as being not really human in the first place. Some sort of dimensional parasite ala Doctor Who rather than a real girl thrown into One Piece.

OMAKE:

The portal was slightly blue and blurred at the edges but it was clear enough that they could see where it led. Not that they recognised the destination but it did seem to end up in a town or city. Somewhere with red brick buildings and concrete footpaths at any rate.

The two that had stumbled backwards through it were of more importance anyway. The older woman had gotten to her feet first, scrambling out from underneath the dead weight scowling and rubbing her shoulder, the girl seemed to be in a swoon. 'Seemed' being the operative word here because as soon the older woman nudged her with her shoe she had swatted the offending appendage away and gotten up.

Marco was eyeing the portal with a jaundiced idea with a certainty that it was not a good thing. Thatch probably should have been helping inspect it but he was too busy eyeing up the women with suspicion. They could say, with a reasonable degree of expertise, that females who arrived through mysterious means were generally trouble.

The old man looked torn between amusement and simply tossing them off the ship but kept a weather eye on all. If he wasn't completely at ease, then whatever it was, was worth watching.

The older woman seemed apprehensive and not a little frightened of the crew but had turned her attention to the portal. The girl however had turned to the crew and was giving Ace and ill-disguised look. (Ace, sadly for her, did not appreciate her admiration seeing as she was far too young for his specific tastes having a particular fetish for older women, and the motherly type.)

At a signal from Whitebeard, Marco carefully approached the older woman noticing her tense posture and obvious fear (considering the amount of guns and swords on display it was nothing short of respectable common sense) before engaging her in conversation/casual interrogation.

The girl edged closer to Ace, who edged away and was giving the older woman a contemplative look.

Vista leaned in to Thatch "What do you think?"

Thatch hummed and rubbed his chin "Nice curves, look at that balance. Nothing like authenticity when it comes to a womans body. The girl however, she's too skinny so those boobs must be fake."

"That's…not what I was referring to at all." Vista sighed

Whatever they had talked about, Marco seemed to have put the older of women at her relative ease and settled whatever he had sought to investigate.

"I'm sorry" she addressed the girl (whom Thatch insisted had fake breasts) "but seeing as we met when you simply decided to 'faint' on top of me I didn't get your name."

The teenager whirled round and placed a dramatic hand on her chest "Of course, how careless of me baachan!"

The woman mouthed "Baachan" with a displeased look and an expression that said she knew it was insulting in some way even if she didn't know what it meant.

"You may call me Marianne-Susan…"

"Your name is Mary-Sue" the woman interjected incredulously

Marianne stamped her foot "I wasn't finished" she pouted.

The older woman snickered "No wait, don't tell me. You're descended from royalty or great heroes or something. You're the heir to some long lost dynasty." She burst into full infectious laughter "You've got some sort of special ability or magic weapon too. I'd put money on there being a reverse-harem somewhere in there."

Marianne blinked "How do you know so much about me?"

"Seriously?" the other woman gave her a baffled stare before shrugging and holding up her hand palms out "Alright then, I'm out."

Whitebeard had to interject at this point "What?"

"I said I'm out. I have nothing to do with this nor do I want to" she strolled over to the portal "You're all grown men and women and no responsibility of mine."

She climbed through the portal and didn't turn back until she was safely on the other side. She waved to Marco and nodded to the others before walking down the street and disappearing.

Jozu voiced his approval "Sensible woman."

Several others nodded and Ace pulled his arm free from Marianne before putting a question to Marco "Think we can shove this one through too?"