&&CRAWL.

It's been five moons since Hollyleaf told my secret to all the Clans. It's been five moons since my sister disappeared. It's been five moons since the Clan began ignoring me. It's been five moons since my heart shattered to dust.

I'm sitting beside the flat rocks the elders usually sun themselves on, but no one's resting there right now. Probably because everyone is too awkward to come near me. But I ignore the terrible feeling in my gut and start grooming myself. Out of the corner of my eye, I watch Jayfeather and Lionblaze eat their morning fresh-kill underneath a shady ledge in the rock wall. They look strange without their sister sitting with them. But, StarClan, when did they get that big? I still care for them as though they really were my own. I don't care if they're not mine. I don't care that they're really Leafpool's and Crowfeather's. I raised them, didn't I? I have a right to care and love them this much.

I feel my heart stop dead in my chest as a dark tabby coat pushes out of the warriors' den. He pads with his head bent to the camp entrance, and plants himself there. I know he's waiting for the other warriors to gather around him so he can sort the patrols, but I don't feel any inclining to be one of the first to do so. Thornclaw can do that. The pale brown tom trudges sleepily out of the den after him, with his fur fluffed out against the cold leaf-fall breeze. Thornclaw strides up to him and they begin discussing the patrols, no doubt.

I pretend to doze so they won't call me over, and I watch them lazily through half-closed eyes. But mostly, my gaze is trained on him.

Then Thornclaw, the piece of mouse-dung, raises his head. "Squirrelflight!" he calls to me like I just have to be in the conversation.

I don't respond, too scared by the fact that he just went frigid. His mouth freezes in mid-speak. In response to Thornclaw, I simply ignore him by not moving. I move my stare to the one white paw I have. But then I feel a tongue rasp over my ear. I look up, alarmed and a bit hopeful, because I kind of want it to be him wanting me to join in his and Thornclaw's discussion. But it's not him, instead I meet one sparkling amber eye and a terrible scar.

"Brightheart," I mew quietly in surprise; even I notice how deflated my voice sounds.

"Come on, Squirrelflight," she meows gently but cheerfully. "You're not going to be stuck in camp all day, are you?"

I drag my paws after the ginger-splotched she-cat, not exactly keen on getting so close to his coldness. If there's anything I just can't take, it's a cat's cold anger. Like this, he reminds of Crowfeather. I want him to be like before. I want to hear his laugh again. Or, at least, I want to see his smile again. But if I can't have even that, I'll settle for watching his amber eyes glow from a distance. I noticed they don't do that much anymore. I want to punish myself for being the cause of it.

"Squirrelflight, it's impolite to ignore someone," Thornclaw mews with a frown as I come up.

"I was dozing," I mumble quietly, carefully avoiding his eyes. Thornclaw's eyes are amber, too, you know. Not as clear as his, but still gold enough to remind me of them.

I feel Brightheart flick her tail over my ear. "You need to learn to wake up in the morning," she laughs. "Anyway, Brambleclaw, we'll be going on a hunting patrol together," she adds, scooting over to me. "Along with Poppyfrost and Hazeltail."

"Of course."

I don't need to look up to know that he dipped his head to her. He always acts noble like that. I used to think he did that to show off, but now I know that he does it because that's just how he is. He's very old-fashioned.

Thornclaw went to fetch the two younger warriors, which left Brightheart and him to discuss something I completely tuned out. I started counting all the crags and ledges and rocks and pebbles and anything that was in multiples to try and stop thinking about his icy golden eyes that never used to be so cold.

Once Hazeltail and Poppyfrost had come complaining out of the warriors' den, Brightheart bundled them out the gorse tunnel. I follow slowly, and pause in the tunnel. I glance back at him, trailing my green gaze down his tabby stripes and broad shoulders. I feel like a stalker, watching him from the shadows. But I can't stop myself; because maybe I can just pretend while his back is turned. I can pretend that everything's alright when it never was.

"Brambl--"

I freeze before I can harm myself.

Cold amber eyes....

I shiver, and continue out into the forest. I know where Brightheart and the others went, but I have no intention of following them. Instead my paws choose to carry me deeper and deeper into the forest, until I can barely scent ThunderClan anymore. Or prey, for that matter.

"Great," I groan aloud. "I'm on a hunting patrol, and I can't find any prey!"

Then - there's the patter of water on leaves above me. I tilt my head to the sky, not exactly excited to see dark grey clouds pouring rain down. My dark ginger pelt is soon drenched, and my white paw is already brown from the mud as I continue my trek through the forest. I don't want to return to camp right now. I just don't want to feel Brightheart's sympathy or every other cat's ignorance. For once, I'm kind of relieved it's raining. At least for now all thoughts of him are washing from my mind. Brambleclaw--

I stop dead in my pawsteps.

"Brambleclaw."

My voice is strained.

"Brambleclaw."

I'm rasping.

"Brambleclaw!"

I can't take this anymore. I stumble blindly over to the closest tree, leaning heavily against the rough bark. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I hope desperately that it's his shoulder, even if I know it never could be. I squeeze my eyes shut tight as the burning tears roll down my face. Squirrelflight doesn't cry! Not over anything, especially not him. Needless, sobs choke out of my throat.

Then I hear a twig snap behind me.

Immediately, I straighten up and growl. And it's him. The last cat in the forest I want to see right now. But his expression is funny. He looks....painful. His amber eyes are dark and wide, his fur is fluffed-up in shock. His claws are sinking into the twig he stepped on.

Now that I see it's him, I don't bother blinking the tears away. I can feel the rain washing them away, but there's pure fury broiling in my belly. I hope he sees my tears. I hope he sees what he's done to me. I hope he sees the grief and pain and hurt and regret in me that I've been hiding for far too long. I hope he sees this former shell of me.

His voice pierces my mind like a sharpened claw.

"Can it really hurt that much...?" he murmurs below the tapping of rain.

As I watch his amber eyes, I see my reflection. Tear-stained, broken, helpless.

"Yes." My voice comes in short whispers. "It's like you're dragging your claws down my chest, ripping it open." I watch as he flinches away, flattening his ears. I continue anyway. "I know you don't ever want me to say I'm sorry, and I know that you wouldn't forgive me if I tried telling you that. So I won't. But I'm trying so hard to find a way to live without you, Brambleclaw." Again, he winces as his name slips off my tongue. This time, I do too. I press on with a deep breath, "But it's hard. Almost too hard. And I think I might give up soon, without anyone to lean on once in awhile."

He doesn't have to say anything; the words are plain in the creases of his stessed face.

I begin tentatively, my voice small for the first time in my life. "You don't have to listen to me. You could walk away right now, and never so much as look my way ever again. Go ahead. Get back to camp...Brambleclaw."

But then he does the most absurd thing I've ever seen him do: he....smiles...

Albeit, weakly; but I'm still standing here, permanently mute, watching as the corners of his mouth curl up. Oddly enough, I feel the ground slip away from underneath my paws and Silverpelt trying to force every star into my head. There are incoherent babbles slipping out of my mouth.

He doesn't seem to care; he just takes a step forward. Another step. Another step. Another step. Another step. One more step. . .and we're nose to nose. His scent is overflowing my scent glands, his amber orbs are clogging my vision. I don't want him to move.

"See you back at camp, Squirrelflight."

He smiles once more, and pads away.

I'm left staring up at the rain.

A/N;

Yeah...not my best work ever ^^" But it took SO LONG to get this thing finished . Also published on warriorswish's fanfiction site and based on Chris Brown's "Crawl".

R/R? Please? Jayfeather will hug you if you do! :DDD

JayJay: No I won't!

Me: Awwww! C'mon! It's only a hug! -tries to hug-

JayJay: Get away from me! Stalker! AND STOP CALLING ME JAYJAY!