LONG ASS AUTHOR'S NOTES AHEAD.

Spopococ: Welcome, my puppets. We're here at the very first chapter of mine and HunterBelmont's parody of Final Fantasy VII. Whoever told us we were funny, this is your fault. What do they say? Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery? Is this the case here? Probably not, but you be the judge. You know I love this game; I pick on it from love.

HunterBelmont: Umm I don't know what to say except I really hope you all enjoy it, and don't come after us with pitchforks and fire. I also am a huge fan of this game; if it's not ff7 then I don't care? That being said making fun of stuff you love is essential. So again don't take any offense if we make fun of your beloved characters, we only mean it in fun….except for Cat Sith, Tifa and Scarlett.

Spopococ: Well said. Onwards!

Warnings: If you're a firm believer in the sanctity of Final Fantasy VII and all of its affiliates, turn away now, because we're about to destroy it. OOC to the point of ridicule. (No, we don't want your ridicule, that's what the warning's for.) Implied Yaoi, implied Yuri, implied everything 'different' about 'relationships'. Coarse Language, simply because spopococ is a filthy potty mouth (She swears like a sailor). So's Hunter, but he won't admit it as freely. Tifa, Cait Sith, Cloud, Aerith, Scarlett, Hojo etc. bashing. If you can't handle any of the previous being picked on, well, what a sad life we must lead… I KID!

Basically, if you can't handle a ridiculous sense of the parody style of writing, this story is sooooo not for you.

Chapter One: Progressive Stupidity- The Introduction of Cloud Strife

An introduction to the oncoming madness, the introduction of our hero (we use that term very loosely), and the circus of characters he finds to be his acquaintances. Gaia will never be the same again.

--

Midgar: a toxic city filled with pollution, corruption, and a power hungry corporation set on monopolizing the city. Eventually, their goal would be a hold over the entire planet. More often than not, the streets were lined with the poor and desperate, their eyes seeking hope from passers-by as their hands outstretched for any spare change an individual may kindly be willing to spare. The city was gargantuan; her sheer size, however, a mere dwarf in comparison to the significance of the individuals within. A lone figure proceeded to attempt the crossing of one of the slum's many cobbled streets, successfully managing to pry her dress from the clutches of a toothless hobo, and swatting said individual with a bouquet of neatly trimmed daffodils. Despite her close encounter with the homeless kind, her poise remained graceful as she straightened her outfit to gaze across the slum square. A basket hung loosely from her arm as her brunette hair fell around her shoulders, and she offered a small smile, before making her way towards sector seven. Business had been slow in the one gil flower market, but she held her determination that things would pick up. Unfortunately, for most in the slums, it was a world that they'd grown accustomed to. When a toxic plate hovered above them, robbing them the rights of a clear sky or fresh air, the only thing her people held close to their hearts was hope, and the occasional switchblade or revolver.

The city ran from Mako energy, a life force produced by the planet itself, and harnessed by ShinRa. Run by president ShinRa, a blatantly egotistical individual, ShinRa had invested years building a stronghold over the people of Gaia, and had in turn, used it to gain trust. In doing so, they now had mako harnessing reactors all over the world. Eight reactors rested in Midgar alone, simply to provide for the increasing demand of the Planet's most densely populated city. Midgar was a twisting metal empire of cobbled roads, LOVELESS posters, poverty, and one of the most technologically advanced train systems in existence. Whilst the customer service was less than reputable, the reliability of the services was. As the clock neared quarter past ten on a seemingly uneventful evening outside the number one reactor, a train slowly rolled up to the platform and came to a stop with a low hiss. Two guards have their attention drawn the vehicle, as a burly female embarks from the roof, a graceful dive making for a spectacular entrance. Several punches later, and a guard was disarmed.

"Shit!" The remaining guard cried, before effectively being bowled over by a renegade mercenary and a portly man with a fashionable backwards facing cap.

The female gave a satisfied nod, before disappearing around the corner, followed shortly after by her mismatched comrades. It was then that a beefy guy of the darker skin persuasion disembarked the train with a disgruntled expression on his face. Half an hour stowed away on a train had been less than a joyous occasion for all involved, and he was no exception. He pulled his shorts from their lodgings within his nether regions, and a little of the disgruntled expression was eased.

"C'mon newcomer, follow me," He demanded, swinging his arms in a manly fashion, before heading for the direction of his peers. There was a brief pause, enough for quite the dramatic entrance, before Cloud Strife, ex-SOLDIER extraordinaire, cart-wheeled his way into history.

More often than not, a hero was defined as a person who is plucky and likeable; a good role model for today's youth, choosing to do what was always right, and holding virtue above rewards. Cloud Strife was not one of those. He raised his eyes as he stood upon the platform, before sidling over to the crippled bodies of the Shinra employees and raiding their pockets, pleasantly satisfied with the discovery of potions. Cloud headed in the direction of his beefy friend, before encountering two more ShinRa guards. Ever the optimist, Cloud faced the challenge with determination, hopeful for more spoils to come his way.

"Jesus Christ, would you look at this clown?" One of the ShinRa guards offered to his colleague, who let out a small snort in return. Cloud gave a mortified expression, before giving himself the once over and determining that no, he looked as fabulous as always.

"You got a lot of nerve talking to me like that," Cloud replied coolly, holding his nonchalant expression whilst patiently awaiting his turn to attack. A bullet hit him square in the chest, knocking some health off of the blonde headed fighter, before he fell one of his foes with a single attack.

"That guy had kids, man!" The remaining foe cried out, firing further bullets at Cloud in determined anger. The ex-SOLDIER offered a small smirk, dodging the attack, before cutting expendable ShinRa guard two down in another well aimed swipe. Cloud swung his sword atop his head, smugly pleased with the results and adequately showing it with an appropriate victory pose, as his victims lay twitching before him.

"Man I'm good," The blonde nodded, heading after the others.

Cloud found the rest of the crew huddled by a reactor entrance gate, and offered a brief moment of thought as to why they hadn't offered him assistance in the seven random battles he'd encountered on his way here. All was forgiven as thin mercenary turned to speak to him, offering a small smile.

"Wow! You used to be in SOLDIER all right! Not everyday ya find one in a group like AVALANCHE," mercenary mused, as burly female turned a half interested glance in their direction.

"SOLDIER? Aren't they the enemy? What's he doing with us in AVALANCHE?" she asked, as Cloud gave a small frown. It felt as if, for some odd reason, the attention wasn't being focused entirely on him.

…Can't she ask me questions or something? I don't need a freaking mediator…

"Hold it, Jessie. He WAS in SOLDIER. He quit them and now is one of us. Didn't catch your name...?" Thin mercenary replied in defence of Cloud, and quite satisfied with the shift of attention back to him, he offered a casual nod.

"…Cloud," The blonde introduced himself. Thin mercenary gave a warm smile, before beginning to introduce himself.

"I don't care what your names are. Once this job's over... I'm outta here," Cloud shrugged nonchalantly, as thin mercenary muttered something that sounded suspiciously like 'man bitch', before focusing his attentions on burly female.

The warm and fuzzy atmosphere amongst the group was then interrupted by the entrance of the beefy guy before, who had seemingly appeared from an entirely opposite direction of the others. Cloud watched as beefy guy waved a gun around in apparent annoyance.

…Holy shit, is that his actual ARM?! Cloud thought, fighting to stop his nonchalant expression from disappearing.

"The hell you all doin'!?" Beefy guy cried, arms still flailing, "I thought I told you never to move in a group!"

…Seriously, if that's his actual arm, that's some messed up shit right there…

"Our target's the North Mako Reactor. We'll meet on the bridge in front of it," Beefy guy nodded, sending the rest of the group scattering before turning his attentions to Cloud. The blonde subtly shifted his gaze from the gun arm and forced himself to hold beefy guy's eyes, which were seemingly suspicious and blatantly pissed.

…Busted…

"Ex-SOLDIER, huh? Don't trust ya!" Beefy guy cried, before Cloud was suddenly aware of his companion's name being Barret.

"If you push the Directional button while pushing the…" Barret began.

"Dude, I know how to run," Cloud interrupted drily, a vein throbbing in Barret's forehead before the gun-guy headed for the reactor.

Cloud took the spare moment to look up at the scenery, seemingly suddenly aware what he was now expected to do. He let out a low whistle at the size of the thing, before following Barret into the reactor.

--

Cloud felt mysteriously drawn to speak with Wedge, standing over by the ladder, before continuing to follow Barret and the other two.

"Hey Biggs, what are you doing?" asked the mercenary.

"…My name's Wedge..." Wedge muttered, partly hurt by being confused with his partner by Cloud, yet again.

"What was that Biggs?" Cloud replied, not really caring who he was talking to at all, and therefore entirely disregarding whatever Rolly had to say.

"…I'll secure the escape passage; concentrate on the mission Cloud," Wedge sighed, ignoring the blonde's hurtful comments.

"Are you comin' on to me?" Cloud eyed him suspiciously.

"Wha….Geez where really going to blow this huge furnace up? That will be something to see!" Wedge scratched behind his head, wondering where the statement had come from.

Cloud strutted off, not really caring what else Rolly had to say, before breaking into a run to catch up to Barret and the others.

What's the deal with people hitting on me so much?

Barret and the other two random people, whose names he didn't really care about, we're waiting impatiently as Cloud caught up with them.

"Yo, is this your first time in a reactor?" Barret asked inquisitively, before punching a wall for no real reason.

"No I did work for ShinRa, y'know," Cloud replied, flicking his hair a bit as his mind wandered to how he was definitely the best looking member of the group already.

Cloud gave a soft sigh, barely managing to endure the lecture that Barret then offered regarding the mako reactors sucking the planet dry, or at least something along those lines, before forcibly returning his attention to the gun-mans' words.

"I'm not here for a lecture," Cloud replied drily, as Barret's forehead vein throbbed slightly. He extended his real hand in a shaky little display of his annoyance, before informing Cloud that the blonde would now 'be coming with him from now on'. Once again, Cloud wondered if the amount of innuendoes being implied in his adventures was above standards or not, before Barret merged himself into Cloud's body. Cloud followed burly woman then, standing by her as thin mercenary fiddled around with some buttons and declared somewhat arrogantly that he had indeed, deciphered the code. Cloud gave a small eye roll, aware that once again, someone was attempting to steal the spotlight.

"Think of how many people risked their lives, just for this code…" Thin mercenary remarked in awe, as Cloud gave a sidelong glance.

…Good Gaia, what kind of nut job am I working with here?

Entering through yet another door, Cloud was pleasantly surprised to find thin mercenary would be staying behind. Conveniently enough, Cloud strayed away from the group momentarily and stumbled across a blatantly displayed treasure chest, gathering more spoils from his kleptomania.

It was then that a gruff voice rang through his head, sounding suspiciously like Barret, demanding he 'move his punk ass' to the elevator. The blonde shrugged, moving into the contraption whilst giving a sidelong look at burly woman.

…Jessie, was it? Eh, not bad in these desperate times… At least it's better than Barret cracking on to me…

"Push that button over there!" Jessie cried, gesturing at the corner of the elevator.

…Pushy little bitch though…

"Why don't you do it?" Cloud replied sulkily, before being met with a glower. Never one to deal with temperamental women, Cloud did as he was told and pushed said button. It was at that time that Barret once again made his presence known, going off on another tangent about mako energy and Shinra being the evil of all mankind.

"Not my problem," Cloud shrugged, as Barret let out a string of curses, muffled by hash tags and dollar signs.

"The only thing I care about is finishin' this job before security and the Roboguards come," Cloud explained, as Barret had a small aneurism in the corner before reluctantly merging once again with the blonde.

Once the elevator had stopped, the group made their way out and continued into the reactor. Cloud ran into Jessie, who proceeded to try and explain to him how to climb a ladder. Cloud was beginning to think that the instructions on doing day to day activities may be rewarded to him simply because of his hair colour.

You know, I'm not the stereotypical dumb blonde or anything…

Cloud let out another silent prayer of relief, as Jessie remained behind, the blonde continuing to find the reactor core, listening to Barret's incessant nagging within the blonde's conscious all the while. Conveniently, a save point was placed on the path heading down to where the reactor core was supposed to be located.

"Pretty sure this means we're likely to die," Cloud remarked out loud, as Barret had another small aneurism, another string of curses filling the air. Cloud approached the reactor core, unbearably close to his destination, before stumbling upon a random battle. Common occurrence as this was, the blonde couldn't help but feel a tinge of annoyance at the interruption to his prime time. Barret leapt into action, seemingly keen to let off a little steam due to Cloud's mere proximity. The blonde didn't mind too much, it was less work for him, but just as much credit. It was an easy battle, the monsters falling relatively easily, as Cloud struck his victory pose, sword swinging over his shoulders.

"Why do you do that for?" Barret asked, his face set into a grim line as he eyes of the ex-SOLDIER suspiciously.

"Looks cool. Makes me feel pret- Uh, makes me feel manly," Cloud shrugged, flexing his biceps a little, the gun-man's temple vein throbbing violently. Should they survive this reactor mission, Barret doubted he'd survive any longer with Cloud.

Cloud walked into the reactor as Barret unmerged with him moving forward, loudly proclaiming, "When we blow this place, it ain't gonna be nothin' left but a hunka junk!"

The burly gun-man then turned to Cloud, punching the metal reactor next to him as he did.

"Cloud you set up the bomb."

"Shouldn't you do it?" Cloud asked, getting more and more annoyed with the amount of work he was doing and being underpaid for it.

1500 gil is not enough to put up with all this, and all the work they are making me do as well? It's inhuman. All that running and climbing wasn't in the job description.

"Jus' do it! I gotta watch to make sure you don't pull nothin'" Barret replied, holding back his urge to shoot the blonde in his smug face.

"You comin' onto me?" Cloud eyed Barret suspiciously, before slowly setting up the bomb that would level the reactor with ease.

I'm like candy to these people, I swear to Gaia.

Cloud approached the reactor, a shrill tone ringing in his ears as a voice filled his conscious.

"Watch out! This isn't just a reactor!!"

The blonde promptly fell to the floor, eyes wide as he curled into the fetal position and resisted the urge to suck his thumb.

"Yo Cloud, what's the deal?" Barret asked, waving a metallic arm dramatically.

"Oh God! The voices!" The blonde sobbed, rocking slightly, "Again with the voices!"

Barret eyed the blonde off as Cloud rocked further amongst whimpers of 'Mummy' and 'I'm not crazy, I'm not', before dragging his punk ass up to set the bomb.

"I'm okay," Cloud reassured, righting himself as he dusted off his outfit, "I'm okay. I'm all good."

Cloud nodded, letting Barret know, once again, that everything was fine, before setting the bomb. An alarm wailed, sending a start through the already shaky blonde, before Barret aimed his gun arm towards their exit and declared that 'they' were coming.

"Oh, right. Security or whatever," The blonde calmed himself, before being thrust into a battle with what appeared to be a giant robot scorpion. The blonde flailed slightly, hoping to God that Barret would run with him in his attempts to flee.

"What the fuck is that?!?" The blonde spluttered, Barret aiming determinedly at the monster.

"Let's kick its ass!" The gun-man bellowed, much to the dismay of the ex-SOLDIER. They were about to fight something at least twelve times their size, and things were not likely to go well. It was high school at Nibelheim all over again.

…Sticks and stones, sticks and stones… and metallic robot limbs and giant pincers and mother fu-

"Yo Cloud! Fight!" Barret snapped, drawing the blonde from his paranoid musings.

The usual victory music played as somehow, Cloud and Barret had pulled off the impossible and emerged victorious against insurmountable odds, at least in Cloud's mind.

Yeah, only reason we won was because I was here. No sweat really; I had everything under control.

"Hey Cloud, I gotta ask somethin'" Barret turned to the blonde slowly after completing their usual victory poses.

"What is it Barret?" Cloud replied, catching his breath a bit and using the time to see what spoils the monster had dropped for them.

Why did a giant metallic scorpion have an assault gun and 100 Gil for?

"Your limit break's called Braver, right?" Barret asked, getting inquisitive.

"Yeah, what's your point?" Cloud said, starting to get frustrated. They were losing precious fleeing time.

"Well it's shocking, since you're usually such a sissy," Barret chuckled to himself. Making jokes against the blonde's expense was quickly becoming a hobby of his. It helped ease some of the pressure on his brain.

Before Cloud could answer, the alarm went off again and Barret was screaming that they should get out of there quickly.

"10 minutes till my bomb goes off," Barret proudly said, before heading back to merge with Cloud.

"Oh God, ten minutes! Jesus Christ, run! Run damn it!" Cloud started to panic again, letting out a rather girly scream.

"Yeah, or we'll only have six minutes to kill before the bomb explodes," Barret replied sarcastically, before merging back with the blonde.

"Ruuuuuuuunnnnnnnn away!" Cloud yelled at the top of his lungs, before fleeing in the fastest way he knew how.

Oh Gaia, I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die and I never even got to shine as a main character.

Cloud rushed through the reactor, as fast as his legs could take him, still screaming at the top of his lungs. Climbing back up the ladders to where they left Jessie behind, she seemed to be less concerned about the mortal peril Cloud was clearly facing.

…Where's the support here?

"You alright?" Cloud asked, feeling compelled to pretend to care, yet again.

"My leg got stuck," Jessie replied, fluttering her eyelashes a bit trying to catch the mercenary's attention.

"Wow, that's pretty stupid. What are you, a klutz or something?" Cloud scratched his head, before helping the butch out of her predicament.

What was wrong with her eyes? It's like she's got some kind of nervous tick or something.

They both ran, entering the elevator and pushing the up button, effectively stopping the clock till the elevator had reached the top.

Oooh… I like this song.

Cloud began to hum the elevator music, before being whacked over the head by Barret rather hard.

"Idiot, this ain't no time to be hummin'!" Barret snapped, before merging back again.

Cloud continued the tune in his head as the elevator descended, before coming to a jolting stop. As the doors chimed open, a ringing filled Cloud's ears once again, sending a shudder of panic through the blonde.

"We should really get that on CD or something, ya know?"

"Hey, good idea," Cloud agreed out loud, as Barret gave him a sideways glance. The blonde shrugged casually and headed for the exit, stopping to help Jessie up once again. He could have sworn she was doing this on purpose, you know, because he was so incredibly, incredibly good looking and all. The timer was nearing the six minute mark now, and Cloud had the jitters. He strode to the exit, just as the bomb tore through the reactor; although Cloud was having difficulty comprehending where said six minutes went exactly. Jessie set a bomb then, ensuring that they would have a clear escape through the reactor without having to use their limited hacking skills to open a door and all, and managed to successfully flee through the reactor's confines, Cloud managing to execute a dive roll well worthy of at least an eight. Cloud stood straight, dismayed to find that only Barret seemed to be paying any attention. Rolly was apparently on fire, thin mercenary was clearly imitating Cloud's cool factor, and burly woman, whilst staring directly at Cloud, seemed not to have been entirely focused on the performance at hand.

"Could have had a better landing," Barret murmured, as Cloud offered a shrug.

"All right, now let's get out of here. Rendezvous at Sector 8 station! Split up and get on the train!" Barret barked, sending a clear message for the crew to disperse as quickly as was possible. Cloud, however, stayed behind, receiving a warning glare from AVALANCHE's leader.

"What's yer problem Spikey?" The gun-man stared, gaze unwavering on the blonde's eager expression. He turned to leave, and Cloud panicked slightly.

"H, hey!" The blonde reached for the bulkier man's arm, who seemed mildly concerned with the seemingly affectionate gesture.

"If it's about your money save it 'til we're back at the hideout," Barret grunted, making his exit in a spectacular fashion up a flight of stairs.

…Asshole… I want my money…

Cloud gave a small nod to himself as he watched the man leave, before casually strolling towards the staircase, the elevator tune still looping through his mind.

--

A/N:

Spopococ: One gil for flowers, ridiculous.

HunterBelmont: I know, right? It's crazy.

Spopococ: I know!

HunterBelmont: Damn recession, even affecting Gaia. Times are tough all over.

Expendable ShinRa guard 2: Tell me about it. One day you're struggling to pay the mortgage, next day your wife's left with your funeral bill.

Spopococ: Ouch.

HunterBelmont: Hey, aren't you dead?

Expendable ShinRa guard 2: Author's notes. They have no affect on the actual story.

Spopococ: He got you there. Anyway, hope you guys liked! If you did, leave a review. Any questions or amusing feedback we get are likely to be replied to via video post. Exciting, huh? Thought so.