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10 Fantastic Steps to Escape Azkaban Prison!

By Sirius Black

Please mail all your hate mail on how my 10 steps did not help you and you are now spending the rest of your life in Azkaban to Remus Lupin. Please mail all your fan mail telling me that my steps helped you out perfectly and you have now successfully escaped Azkaban prison to Sirius Black.

1. Being an illegal Animagus.

Now to complete this step you need to have a group of friends. The friends in this group should vary from 3 to 5. One of these members in your group has to be a Werewolf. The member has to be a Werewolf so the rest of the people in the group have a reason to become Animagus. Now your Animagus form should be something big, but not to big, like a dog. Make sure that your Animagus can slip through bars easily. Now that you found a group of friends and one of them is a Werewolf and you were all successful in become Animagus and your Animagus form is something like the size of a dog. (Like a grim dog if your animal size is the size a toy poodle then you failed this step already.) You are ready for step two.

2. Getting into Azkaban.

Now this step is a little tricky. First off you need to have a dark wizard go after your best friend and his wife or husband if you are a girl. (Your neighborhood bully or boss should do the trick.) Now you need your best friend to make you their secret keeper of their house. (And Godfather/mother.) Then you tell them that another member of your group would be the best choice because that member is a weakling. And that the dark wizard would never suspect that he/she would be the secret keeper. Then about a month later you find out that your weakling friend is actually following the dark wizard and gave your best friend and his/her spouse up for dead. You then proceed to go after your weakling friend to kill him/her and your whole plan backfires in your face. Your weakling friend framed you for the murder of your other friends. Then you get shipped off to Azkaban with out a trial. This all has to happen. You need to have the innocent feeling to survive 12 years in Azkaban. Is this confusing you? Anyway once you have done all that you are ready for step three.

3. Have a Good Reason to Escape.

Now this step only works if your best friends who were killed by the dark wizard had a son or daughter who survived the killing curse. Now you need to have an idiot like the Cornelius Fudge inspect Azkaban have a piece of paper in his hand. Do all you can to get the paper! Pray that it is not some coupon that expired a month ago. Now on this piece of paper there will be a family on it. Look for any kind of animal on the paper. You will find that your weakling friend is actually the pet of one of the people in the photo and that the kid is going to Hogwarts where your best friend's kid is. And look now you have a reason to escape.

4. Form a Plan.

Normally I would say wing it. But this is something important that takes a lot of planning. First off make sure the day you plan to escape that there is no WIZARD guards. They will stop you before you even make a step out of your cell. Next make a plan to turn into your Animagus and slip through the bars. Then find the closest exit. Yes you might have to jump out a window. Just make sure the water is deep where you jump. Then swim off to shore. (You are going to need a sense of direction to find out which way.) Find a nice cave to sleep in. For food, well let's hope you know how to catch an animal. And start a fire now that I think of it.

5. Put Plan in Action.

Now that you have your plan formed. Do it. That was an easy step. On to step 6!

6. Hide from Aurors.

Now for this step you need very good hiding, sneaking, and survivor skills. You need to be able to hide at any sign of Aurors. (Or police.) You need very good sneaking skills to be able to sneak into Hogwarts. Then attack the weakling of a friend. Have very good survivor skills to be able to run right out of the castle without getting caught. Do not ask me how that is survivor skills, Remus said I have to put the word in here. Anyway make sure you do not let the weakling get away. It sucks if the get away because you have to go back into hiding.

7. Get proof that you are Innocent.

Now this step is not as hard as it looks. Just capture the weakling, bring it to the Ministry and look you are free. But that rarely ever works. So you are screwed over until the dark wizard comes back and everyone sees that your weakling friend is actually evil. It is a 1 in a million chance that you actually survive to see yourself become free. But do not worry. I am about 25 percent sure that you are that 1 in a million person.

8. Stay Away from things that can Kill You.

While proving your innocents, do not go near anything that could kill you! Like drapery for example. When saving your best friends kid do not get killed by drapery! That just ruins your badass escape I mean come on. 'Sirius Black escapes Azkaban, kicks the butt of dementors and Aurors and gets killed by drapery.' I mean what kind of badass title is that? The first person to escape Azkaban gets killed by drapery. That is just wrong. Anyway make sure to stay away from anything that can kill you. On to step 9!

9. Do not battle your Cousin!

Battling your cousin is bad. Do not do it. She will eventually kill you. (To see how look at step above.) Especially do not battle her if she happens to be just a little insane. Scratch that. Major insane. I hope someone kills her. I mean I hope she dies a nice, (cough painful cough) old age, and lovely death. Oh what am I saying? You are not going to turn me in for wishing my cousin dead. Between you and me you probably want her dead to. I mean who wouldn't? She killed me. Doesn't that make you sad? Ok back on topic.

10. Live a Happy Life.

Ok we are at the last step. After you proved your innocent live a nice happy life. Unless you were like me and got my innocent life tore away from you. Please do not cry for me. Actually you may cry for me. Now live your happy life. Note there is a low percent of actually getting to this step. Most people die before step 4 from going insane. But you are not one of those people. So I hope my steps helped you in your successful escape from Azkaban and on what to do after you have escaped.

Remember.

All fan mail goes to me, Sirius Black.

All hate mail goes to Remus Lupin.

Peace out!