Chapter One

She took a deep breath. Till her lungs hurt, and she held it in. Then slid down beneath the water, till her back rested down against the cool, smooth porcelain. She kept her eyes closed and exhaled. Under the water she could hear nothing but the bubbles rising. Deep, slow breath out. The bottom of the bath was comforting and smooth. Her hands pressed down against it, beside her smooth thighs. The back of her head rested at the other end, as smooth as her thighs, smoother even. She was running out of breath, but she didn't want to surface, not yet. When she could stand it no longer, she rose sharply to a sitting position, inhaling raggedly. Water ran over her bald head, down her cheeks and over her shoulders, as she sat up in the bath, submerged only to her navel now. She now opened her eyes, as the world came back. Her shiny brown eyes glinted in the harsh light of the bathroom. She stretched her thin white arms up and onto the sides of the bath, leaning back against the wall and languishing comforrtably in the warm water. Most of the bubbles had gone now, only a few patches remained. Not that it mattered to her. She wasn't a kid anymore, and wasn't interested too much in bubbles.

(Although her father seemed unable to see this fact.)

(For he still treated her as if she were ten years old.)

In many ways she still had a childish look about her. Owlish eyes and a small mouth, infinitely capable of expression, but often only resembling a mask. She had learned to hide her thoughts and emotions behind her face when she needed to. It wasn't good to cause problems, it wasn't nice to make anyone worry. But things had begun to change the past few years. It was harder to wear a mask. Often, she wanted to yell for no reason she could rightly name. Something was brewing inside her. A burning rage, a question that demanded an answer. It had been burning since puberty first set upon her. And since then her body had changed of course, but the biggest change in her was not a physical one.

Shilo stood up in the bath, her face expressionless, and stepped out of the tub. She heard a rapping at the door. Right on time. A look flickered across her face, the hint of a sigh. And yet there was acceptance. This was the way things were, it was the way they had to be. If things changed it would be frightening and new. She wasn't brave. She needed his protection. And yet, she still hated him sometimes, despite it.

"Shilo, it's time to get out now. Precious, you've been in there a long time."

Her father's voice from outside the door. She regarded the door, still standing naked in the centre of the room. She liked to let the water drip from her before using her towel. And she liked to scrutinise her body in the wall length mirror on the oppsoite wall from the bath.

"I know dad, I'm getting dressed now." she replied to the closed door.

She turned herself from one side to the other, sucking in her stomach and letting it out. She looked at her slight hips, her long legs. She poked her left breast, a look of interest and bewliderment upon her face. It was hard, being a girl, with only a father to care for her. She had so many questions that were difficult to ask a man. For he was not a genderless thing to her. He was her father but she also saw him as a man. And how can you ask a man things like,

"How big should my breasts be?" and

"Is this how it should look?"

She had looked up some pictures, studied some anatomy books. But these raised more questions than they answered.

She liked to have baths in this bathroom. She had a small ensuite connected to her large bedroom where she spent almost all of her time. But this bathroom was larger and had the full length mirror. It wasn't that she was vain. She was just curious.

She took her soft white towel from the hook on the wall and dried herself thoroughly. She dressed in a white lacy nightgown and pulled on long black socks. Now when she looked in the mirror, her figure was hidden from sight beneath her clothes. She wondered if that was the point of them, to hide the fact she was a grown up, that her body was no longer that of a child? The fact that most of her clothes had belonged to her mother was not news to her. In the photos and holograms around the house of Marni, Shilo had noticed that she wore the same style, if not the same garments. It had never occurred to her to question it, but lately she longed for her own things. Her own choices. And yet she kept quiet. It wasn't nice to make him worry. It wasn't nice to cause a fuss. Oh but how she wanted to cause a fuss! And yet she bit back the anger, she bit back the questions that left a bitter taste in her mouth. Because he protected her. He was everything she had. She had to be a good girl, had to do as she was told. If she was short with him, if she raised her voice, she had to apologise. She had to take her medicine. And go to bed. And stay inside. But sometimes, in those clothes, when he looked at her, a sad, wistful look would flicker over his face. She knew it was because he was reminded of her mother.

She put on her wig. The sight of herself with no hair was nothing new to her. It did not shock or upset her. She had lost her real hair a long time ago, when she first started getting very sick and her father started trying to find her cure. But still, she wore the wig. She wanted to look pretty. Even if she never left the house, if only her father saw her. She wanted to be pretty. Doesn't everyone?

She exited the bathroom and began to make her way back to her room. Her father was waiting for her by her door, to put her to bed. As she walked towards him, she saw the familiar sadness wash across his face. His gaze remained on her face for a moment too long, and he put his arm around her, guiding her into her room. His face looked tense.

"What is it? Dad?" She knew the answer, but sometimes you ask a question to hear the answer, not because you don't know it.

"Take your medicine Shi." He planted a soft kiss on her head, noticably lingering and breating in the clean, soapy smell of her.

She gazed vacantly towards the window as he embraced her, then let her go to her bed. Her owlish eyes gazed at him from behind the plastic which surrounded her bed. Looking out, it made her room slightly distorted. But the plastic was neccessary, her father insisted. It protected her from airborne germs and cold draughts that might bring on her sickness.

Like clockwork she took the pills, had the prepared tonics which kept the bad feelings away. If she missed the routine medications her breath would become short and ragged, stabbing pains would assault her chest. She wore a grey wrist medical band to monitor her heart rate and blood pressure. It alerted her when it was time to take her pills, warned if her blood pressure rose or fell unduly. It also served as a communicator, she could talk directly to her father and receive holgram messages. Mostly, it just told her when to take her pills.

Mentally she felt so strong and adventurous. So much emotion, ideas and strength, trapped in a frail and weak body. With a bracelet that told her what to do.

She was twelve. It was early morning and was up early, waiting for daddy to come home. He worked during the night, he always had. She was used to it, and they'd developed a familiar routine. When he got home in the mornings, he would bring her her breakfast. Daddy made the best food. To help keep her healthy and strong despite her illness. For sure it was working, she felt very strong sometimes. It had to be.

Right now Shilo was lying on her stomach on her bed, her legs bent and kicking rythmically with the music on TV beside her. It was the 24 hour music channel. She liked having it on for background noise, and company, while her daddy was not home.

She was drawing on a large piece of paper with felt tip makers. She had carefully depicted a huge city, at night time, and her daddy walking along the street with a cat. (Shilo wanted a pet cat. This was her way of asking him to bring one home for her). She coloured the cat blue with an intent look of concentration playing across her soft, childish features. She didn't care what colour the cat was. She would love it!

Suddenly she heard footsteps on the stairs and looked expectantly towards her door. Was he home already from work? She heard the jingling of the keys in the lock and the door opened to reveal him. He was framed in the doorway, tall and strong looking. Gentle green eyes framed with the black rims of his glasses. He smiled, his face transforming. He looked younger, and a warmth seemed to fill the room. Shilo grinned back at him, standing up on her bed and holding out her drawing for him.

"This is for you, daddy."

Nathan parted the clear shining plastic that hung around Shilo's bed. He took the drawing from her and looked at it, still smiling warmly. She was such a shiniing light in his otherwise dark and melancholy life. He moved to sit on her bed, and the small girl cuddled up to him, attaching herself like an urchin to him.

Nathan looked down at her, this small girl who was beginning to look more and more like his late wife with every day. Marni's death grew further from him, yet he was reminded of her more keenly as the daughter she left behind matured.

"Precious, are you trying to tell me something?" he asked, stroking Shilo's hair.

She grinned at him mischeiviously, tightening her grip around his chest. She looked up at him, blinking hopefully.

Nathan's smile faded a little and he became serious, "I know you want a cat, Shi. But it's a lot of responsibility. I'm not sure you're old enough."

Shilo pouted. Her lower lip trembled a little.

This was a conversation that had been repeated several times over the past few months. Shilo knew deep down, what the answer would be every time. But sometimes, you ask a question just to hear the answer, not because you don't know it.

Daddy looked tired suddenly and Shilo changed the subject - she never wanted to make him upset. "Daddy...Do I need to go to the dentist?"

"The dentist? What are you talking about?" Nathan was a little confused.

Shilo had obviously been considering this question for a while.

"Don't I need to go? Doesn't everyone?"

She'd seen it on TV. Kids and adults, they all went. It was something that everyone did. But she couldn't remember ever having gone. She was never allowed to leave the house. She barely ever left her bedroom. She never questioned it before now. But on TV, things were very different. The people on TV went to school, and had pet cats, and played outside. They didn't need a mask just to go out. She could watch the world from her balcony. Daddy could tell her stories and keep her safe. But she couldn't do the things that they did. She'd never been to the dentist. Daddy was a doctor, but not a dentist. It seemed strange there was something he could not be for her, and it worried her. If daddy couldn't do everything, but there was no one else...?

"Daddy, I might have a cavity!" Her young face was so concerned that his heart hurt a little.

"Darling, you don't have a cavity." Nathan reassured her, stroking her hand.

Shilo frowned, petulant, "How do you know?"

"Shilo, your teeth are fine. You brush them, don't you?"

Shilo grew frustrated "That's not the point. People go for checkups, I know they do! Why are you lying?!"

Nathan easily detached himself from her clinging arms and legs. She protested but he stepped back from her bed, and the plastic crinkled. She sat back on the bed and sulked.

"Shilo, this is nonsense. It's time for your medicine." said Nathan firmly, although his voice broke a little.

She looked at him, still frowning, long black hair (well, wig) framing her pale and delicate face. But daddy looked sad. It made Shilo's frustration die a little. She didn't want to make daddy look sad. She didn't want to make him stop protecting her. She pouted for a little longer. But by the time he handed her the glass of medicated water, her eyes were downcast.

"I'm sorry, daddy."

Something in him flinched at that statement although his face was a mask.

She appologised to you?

Oh god, Shilo...You should never apologise to me. I'm the one...

He forced a smile and kissed her softly on the forehead.

"It's okay precious. You get some sleep,"

He retreated from her room, down the hall and to his bedroom. Time to have a few hours sleep. The sun was rising in the sky outside, but the house was dark and shadowy inside. It always was. He liked it that way. Easier to sleep during the daylight hours. He looked at the many images of Marni as he walked to his room. Shilo was all he had now. It was fine that he did what he did to her. She had to be protected. If he had protected Marni, Shilo would have a mother now and he would not be who he was. He would not be a monster. But all he could do now, was be for Shilo what he could not be for Marni. Her protector. He could protect her. And she looked more and more like her mother. That was his punishment and his prize.

How cruel he would get to see her again, more and more each day.

Yet she was further and further from him.

Nathan was sitting, slouched, in his favourite chair in the lounge room. His legs splayed before him, arms crossed over his muscular chest. He was well toned from his work, which was quite physical. Fine lines on his face that deepened when he let his lingering sadness, which haunted him constantly, show on his face. When he saw his Shilo, and smiled, the years seemed to fall away even now. Almost forty years old, sometimes he wondered how he got so old, suddenly. He didn't feel especially old most of the time. Although sometimes he felt so tired he couldn't stand it. But often when he looked in the mirror, he would wonder what had happened to him. Where was the young man that used to look back at him? Hair greying, and receeding. Yet when he looked at her...he was half his age suddenly.

Sometimes the guilt was suffocating. Guilt for what he had done to Marni. Guilt for the monster he now was. The monster that Rotti had shaped him into, or that he had willingly become?

(Assasin, murderer, monster)

And for what he did to her. Would continue to do to her. Seventeen now, not a little girl anymore. Less and less inclined to mind him, to do what he told her without asking. He saw it in her face.

(So much like her mother's face, sometimes he could almost smell her...)

He saw her questioning look now. His little girl, would always do as he said without comment. Daddy's girl, always tried to please him. But she was older now, and he tried not to notice the way she just about filled out her mother's clothes. She was thinner, gaunter than Marni had been. A little paler, nose slightly different. But from certain angles, it was like Marni was alive again.

When Nathan had been the age Shilo is now, seventeen, he'd been studying hard with lofty dreams of becoming a doctor someday. He went to a nice school, although he didn't have many friends. Most of them overlooked him there. There was a certain girl. He still remembered her name, although couldn't for the life of him recall her face. He had been attracted to her smile, her laugh, her jokes she told. But she never noticed him, not once. He tried to talk to her, one terrible day. Summoned up all his courage, rehearsed what he would say a thousand times.

"Hey, did you understand that math problem?"

He rehearsed it well enough, so it would sound as easy and casual as a normal conversation.

She looked at him like he was an insect, "What? Who are you, nerd? Did I say you could speak to me?"

She didn't even know who he was. She didn't even know he sat in her math class every other day. She was one of the 'popular' people. He was just a nerd. With glasses. Too smart to be popular, too socially awkward to be respected. Would rather read his books than play sport.

He never wanted Shilo to feel overlooked. He never wanted her to feel as invisible as he had felt. He still felt that way at times. The world was cruel. But Nathan would never let Shilo feel like that. Shilo, go to school? Where she could have been picked on for being pale, for being too smart? No, it was better that he taught her himself. Better if she was sick. She thought she wanted friends, but she didn't know how cruel children could be. She didn't know and he had to protect her from all of it. His beautiful, perfect Shilo. His gift, and his world.