Just a little tag for Tabula Rasa. I alway's thought John remembered too much at the end of that episode...Anyway, I hope you like it, and please review. Thanks again to my fab beta shepsgirl72, for her keen eye and for sorting out my mistakes.

TABULA RASA

(A JOHN & ELIZABETH TAG)

Why did it always happen to me? Ever since I was a kid it had always been the same; I tumbled off skateboards, bikes, even jumped from my bedroom window once, all without a scratch…but whenever there was a virus, hell any kind of bug, I caught it. While Dave, dad's pet, shrugged it off like a man, I would get real sick…real fast. A weakling, running a fever for days, turning a twenty-four hour flu into seventy-two hours, bringing down the full force of dad's wrath when the doctor had to be called…

Surrounded by monitors, beeping softly, proving I wasn't dead yet, I realised nothing had changed. Here I was stuck in the infirmary feeling like day old crap, while most everyone else had shrugged the damn thing off and was back at work…even hypochondriac, extraordinaire Rodney McKay. Don't get me wrong, I was glad Rodney was okay. Sure, he could be a pain in the ass at time, constantly moaning, worrying about the least thing…but he was a valuable member of the team, plus a good friend. It was just so unfair that while he looked the picture of health I, the military commander of the base, was laid up like a freaking invalid!

To give him his due, he had looked concerned when he came to see me…kept checking the monitors, again and again, asking if I was going to be okay…did I really look that bad? Now there was something else I really hated…pity. Even so, I knew it was only a matter of time before he remembered his bet. I say his, because I never agreed to the stupid thing in the first place. C'mon, placing a bet on who would lose their memory first, I mean how dumb was that…how would you remember?

Anyway, the fact I remembered the bet at all proved I should be out of there. While I admit some of my memory was a bit patchy, it was slowly coming back, and I had remembered all the important stuff…including the fact it was Keller in charge down here and Carson was dead…Even before I got sick, there were some days I still couldn't get my head round that. As a soldier, it should have been me going home in that casket…not Beckett…not my friend. But the sick joke about working in the Pegasus galaxy was it didn't matter who you were, or what you did. Doctor, scientist…soldier, all of us were at risk 24/7 because so many of the dangers out here were unknown, just waiting to blow up in your face.

At any rate, there was no reason I couldn't do the whole recuperation thing in my quarters. My temp was coming down, and I could be just as miserable there, with all my things, as I was in here. Besides which, there was someone I needed to check up on…make sure she was okay. Everyone had been to see me. McKay, Teyla, Ronon…even Lorne who kept apologising for his actions during the outbreak, despite having done nothing wrong. But so far no Elizabeth, where the hell was she? I knew her bedside manner sucked, but she always came. She'd bring out those tried old platitudes, which we both know were coming, and then we would look at each other and laugh. I just hoped there was nothing wrong…

ooooOoooo

Damn! I must have dozed off again. I wondered how long I was out that time? Didn't matter anyway, it was time I got out of there. Stupid monitors…I could hardly see a thing past them. Patience, John, use your instincts. Can you hear anything…any footsteps past the sound of those annoying beeps? No? Right…let's go!

"Excuse me, Colonel. But where exactly do you think you're going?"

Rats, I didn't even make it away from the bed… "Hi, doc. I just needed to take care of some…uhm…you know… personal business."

Now she was giving me that look."Yes, Colonel. I do know. But you have been told, on several occasions to ask for help when you need to pay a visit. Or have you forgotten?"

Hell…now she was looking at me all concerned. I really am a shit…"No, no…honestly, I'm fine. It's just you guys are so busy, I didn't want to bother anyone."

"If that's the case, Colonel, I could put the catheter back in if you want." Crap… "No? Okay, then let's get you back into bed, and, Colonel…any more stunts like that and it will go back in…understand?"

"I'm sorry, Doctor Keller…Jennifer, it won't happen again…promise. But how much longer do I have to stay here?"

"At least another couple of days I'm afraid. You still have a low-grade fever, and your latest bloods show the virus is still in your system. But you are improving, so I'm hopeful it won't be long before I can release you to your quarters."

"Great, Doc, thanks. Just one more thing, why hasn't Doctor Weir come to visit…was she badly affected by the virus too?"

What the hell…Keller looks like she's gonna be sick. "What's wrong? Is she going to be alright?" Jeez. What is wrong with the woman today? First, she's on my case, now she's fussing with my sheets like some demented mother hen. I really wish Carson was here...

"Elizabeth's dead…isn't she?"

"I'm sorry, Colonel. Doctor Weir died a few months ago. That's the problem with this illness. Some memories come back immediately, but others…well, we don't know how and why the gaps occur. Do you want me to tell you what happened…or should I get one of your team?"

Wha? Keller was saying something…I can see her staring at me, but I must have zoned out…get a grip John. "No…Sorry, no, thank you. Look, I don't mean to be rude, but would you mind leaving me on my own for a bit? I'm feeling kinda tired and I'd really like to close my eyes."

"Of, course. I'll come by and check on you later. And, Colonel. If you need anything, just press the buzzer."

It was weird. I couldn't remember the how, why or even when…I just knew she had gone. It was written all over Keller's face and grief filled eyes, but even if her eyes hadn't told the story…I would still have known she was dead…I could feel it in my gut. Almost as if someone had stuck a blade, thrust it deep inside, then twisted it around and around. The pain was sharp, immediate, and I struggled to breathe. Hot tears steamed down my face and I wondered…had I cried the first time? Or had I pulled the stoic manly crap I usually do, shut my feelings into a mental box to be dealt with another time…which rarely, if ever, happened. I could see the nurses staring at me as they passed, wondering what I was blubbering about, but I must have really look pissed because no one was coming near. For once in my life I didn't care who saw my tears, they could think what they liked…How could I have forgotten something like that…her?

ooooOoooo

My life had been going down the pan before Elizabeth invited me to Atlantis. I remembered the day we met. Me, sitting like a stuttering jackass on the chair, while she just stared at me, excitement glowing from her soft brown eyes…boy, did she look hot. On the way back, O'Neil asked me to go with the expedition, but that chair scared the crap out of me. My life wasn't that great then, but in Antarctica there were choppers to fly, movies to watch, a decent size pool table and the officers mess sold Bud. The way I saw it, I didn't need the grief of annoying another CO, and all this hush hush stuff about crossing the galaxy…I'd never been into the whole weird sci-fi thing. Anyway, I said I'd think about it…but to be honest, looking back, I probably would have said no. Then along came Weir. For a small, dainty woman with a voice like warm molasses, she had the tenacity of a spider… wouldn't give me any damn peace. Told me I had to come…what an opportunity this was…didn't I know the gift I had?

For a desk jockey, I could tell she possessed the heart of a lion, and well, she eventually wore me down. And, boy, was I glad she did. Until I came here I was an outcast, amongst my family, even the Air Force, Where my career was, well, after Afghanistan I didn't have one. In Atlantis, I finally found somewhere where I was meant to be, and the great part was people liked me for who I was, not for the Sheppard name, or what it was worth. Thanks to Elizabeth, I found a purpose, home, friends and people who cared for me. No one, not since my mother died, had ever fought for me…except for Elizabeth Weir. I wouldn't have the life I had or be a Lt Colonel if it wasn't for her, and I owed her, big time. So, why of all things, of all people, had I forgotten her?

Sure, we had our disagreements, and there were even a couple of times I thought she would send my sorry ass home. But we always worked things out, never letting our anger spill through to the next day, spoiling our friendship. Sometimes, it was almost as if we were this old married couple, bitching with each other one minute, and sharing a cup of coffee on our balcony, laughing, the next.

Surrounded by images of her crooked smile and dark, curly hair, I wondered why we never took our relationship to the next level. There was always a spark between us, right from the first…I felt it and thought she did, too. But what stopped us? When I look back, practically everything…What with the Wraith on our doorstep, making allies…finding enemies instead, how could we possibly have thought of anything apart from staying alive, keeping our people safe. Besides, if the brass had found out…

Somehow, amongst everything that happened in those early days, our moment passed. I used to see people watching us, wondering if our early morning coffee breaks were just that…or maybe an extension of the night before. They were wrong of course…they were what they were. Just two good friends, sharing a hot brew before dealing with the business of running Atlantis, a place we both loved.

Suddenly, I remembered everything. The last time I saw her, the determined look in her eyes as she ordered me to leave, a look we both knew meant she wouldn't be coming home. Elizabeth knew she was going to die there, and I knew deep down there was nothing I could have done to save her. Fact was, it never should have happened. Elizabeth was a diplomat, a pencil pusher…she should've died of old age surrounded by a loving family…grandchildren. But at any rate, someone with a beautiful heart like hers shouldn't have died so young…at least not like that.

I'd failed her. Someone else whom I hadn't been able to save, but worse than that, I had failed the one person who'd never let me down…someone who had once saved me.

"It wasn't your fault, Sheppard."

Damn Keller…Why can't she keep her perky little nose out of my business. Now Ronon can see I've been crying…

"Elizabeth was filled with nanites. She'd been around you long enough, saw the way you put others first, laid your life on the line time and time again to protect Atlantis, to know it had to be the right person to do the job. On that day, she was the right person...the only one capable of holding back the replicators to give the rest of us a chance to get out alive. Elizabeth knew it…we all did…even you, and it couldn't have gone down any other way. Think about it. If either Teyla or I had been killed, we would have been just casualties of war. But you and McKay? Neither of you could have resisted their mind probe for ever…then what? All of the codes for Atlantis would have gone into enemy hands, and your planet, Earth, would have been their next target. Anyway, even if Elizabeth had escaped, what kind of life would she have had? Woolsey would never have allowed her to stay on base, and she'd probably have ended up living the rest of her life as a lab rat, locked up somewhere in the SGC."

"What the hell is keeping you two?" Now McKay's here…great…Why can't people just leave me alone… "Your ride's here, Sheppard, so let's get going before Jennifer changes her mind. Seriously, do you know what it cost me to talk her into giving you a two hour pass? Where the hell am I going to get Belgian chocolates in the Pegasus galaxy?"

"Thanks, Rodney, but I don't need a wheelchair…I'm capable of walking you know."

"I'm so glad to hear you remember how to put one foot in front of the other...now, just get into the chair, smart ass…It's Jennifer's way, or no way. So, it's up to you, Sheppard. You can stay here and wait for your meal from the canteen, I think it's meatloaf today… yum, yum…or it's pizza and cookies on the balcony with us."

I couldn't believe how shaky I was doing a simple thing like getting from my bed into the chair. Keller was right; I wasn't well yet, but something inside told me it was the shock of remembered grief making me feel this vulnerable. As much as I hated to admit it, Ronon was right too. If Elizabeth hadn't stayed behind, sacrificed her life, Atlantis would have been destroyed and Earth would have been next. So, why did I still feel so guilty?

Friendly faces, most of whom I recognised, smiled as I passed. It felt good to be out of the infirmary, even if it was, I finally realised, the best place for me right now. Rodney stopped at our balcony, mine and Elizabeth's, and I could visualise her standing there, the sea breeze blowing those soft curls as she turned to me, eyes lighting up with that soft, warm smile…

She wasn't there of course, just a beautiful memory tinged with pain…but Teyla was. I saw her quickly conceal her concern as she handed me a slice…pepperoni, my favourite. I took it and smiled. Elizabeth was gone, but part of me would never stop believing that one day I might somehow be able to find her and bring her home.

It felt good to be out on the balcony, with the breeze whipping my hair, amongst the people I cared about…who cared for me. I looked into the faces of my friends, as they snarked, ate pizza and I felt happy to be alive. I was a lucky man to have them, and for having known the woman whose memory I cherished, an angel who had given me a second chance at life…If nothing else, I owed it to her to carry on the work she started.

"Hey, Sheppard. Just because you're sick, don't think I'm letting you off with the ten bucks you owe me. After all, you did lose your memory before I did."

"What bet was that, Rodney? I don't remember…"

The End

Hope you enjoyed the story, and please as always review. It really does give me encouragement to keep writing.