Hope you guys enjoy! It's sort of my own twist on "get sent on a mission and fall in love" and Watanuki becoming part animal. If you've read the title, you can probably guess what he is. It's probably obvious, but this story did start off as crack and then decided to get a plot.
Warnings: The beginnings of yaoi, but not much else in this chapter. The heavier stuff comes later. Oh, and Doumeki's perverted visions. Because he is so undressing Watanuki with his eyes.
Disclaimer: Don't own. Thank your god I don't.
The unicorn, a creature so pure and beautiful it drove many to tears, quietly nosed its way out of its forest home. It had lived there contentedly, if not happily, for years, but now it sensed its presence was required elsewhere. With a deep breath, it stepped out of the protective line of trees and into the world.
It was probably a misunderstanding, but that didn't stop Doumeki from getting his hopes up. It was ridiculous to think that they were talking about what he was thinking, but then again, stranger things had happened, right?
"Watanuki's horny!" shouted Mokona.
Okay, probably not.
"Horny Watanuki, horny Watanuki!" echoed Maru and Moro, right as Doumeki slid the door open and stepped on the back porch to join everyone else in Yuuko's bizarre shop, where apparently previously pure and innocent boys like Watanuki somehow became horny.
Taken out of context, that could sound really terrible.
In context, that sounded really terrible.
Doumeki's eyes fell on the currently spazzing Watanuki, who was doing his customary flapping dance of denial, accompanied by screams and insults. As usual.
Only there was something not usual. If Doumeki had three guesses (and the first two don't count), he would probably say the unusual occurrence is the huge thing jutting out from Watanuki. By thing, Doumeki means a horn. From his forehead. It was just… there. Bobbing up and down every time Watanuki jerked his head, which meant it was bobbing up and down a lot.
Of course, thought Doumeki dejectedly. It would make more sense for Watanuki to be horny by actually growing a horn out of his forehead than by being aroused like everyone else.
"I swear, if you don't turn me back to normal! You always do things like this, Yuuko, and-"
"Oi."
"My name is not 'Oi'!" yelled the boy with a horn attached to his forehead.
"I leave you alone for an hour and you're already in trouble," Doumeki sighed. Well, it wasn't really a sigh since he hadn't changed his tone at all, but for Doumeki it was. Really. You're going to have to trust us on this one.
Doumeki plugged his ears and silently demanded an answer form Yuuko while Watanuki squawked and flailed at him.
Yuuko smiled and delicately inhaled smoke from her pipe. "It seems our Watanuki has been blessed by an item in my storeroom."
"Blessed! How is this blessed!" Watanuki angrily demanded, arms waving and tail swishing indignantly, and- hold on. When did that get there?
Looking closer, Doumeki could see that aside from the horn, Watanuki also had a pair of horse ears where his human ones had been, and a horse tail. Well, if you factor in the horn, a unicorn tail and ears, but it really amounted to the same thing. All three were a pearl white, and seemed to glimmer in the late afternoon sun.
"Hm. You really are a horse."
"I'm not a horse, I'm a unicorn! I mean, I'm not that either, but- dammit stop trying to confuse me!"
"Why would I bother trying if you do such a good job of it yourself?"
Doumeki wondered how he got all that energy as he plugged his ears once again to keep out the barrage that was Watanuki's wrath.
"So, what happened?" Doumeki asked Yuuko.
"Stop ignoring me!"
"Oh, I told him not to touch a certain artifact, but you know how rebellious my little Watanuki is! He just went ahead and grabbed it."
"You threw it at me!" Watanuki protested loudly. Very loudly. Doumeki wondered if he could get him to reach that volume during other activities, and if said activities could involve a bed. Or a kitchen table. Or a wall. Even the floor would be fine, Doumeki wasn't feeling picky. Well, moving on to other topics that were less likely to make him embarrass himself in front of others.
"Then, from that single touch it decided it liked Watanuki so much it was going to stay with him forever!" Yuuko accompanied that statement with a giggle and childishly clapped her hands together.
"FOREVER!" Watanuki wailed. Doumeki raised an eyebrow.
Yuuko's face suddenly became solemn. "You should have listened to me when I told you not to touch the horn, Watanuki. You are cursed to have this appearance for the rest of your life."
"B-but, this wasn't my fault! And didn't you say this was a blessing? I can't be like this for the rest of my life!"
"Oh, you won't be."
"I… What? You just said I was."
"I lied. I like messing with you. Now go forth and fetch me more sake!" Yuuko ordered cheerily.
"Why would I go get you even more sake, you lush! There's no way I would!" Watanuki screamed as he got up to do exactly what he said he wouldn't.
"Get some ohagi while you're at it," interjected Doumeki.
"Yay! More sake and ohagi!" Mokona cried happily (with two matching echoes, courtesy of Maru and Moro).
"Get it yourself!" the cook shrieked, but went to make it anyways.
The unicorn encountered a great amount of sights and people even stranger and more exotic than itself, and visited lovely places where the hand of man had not touched nor heard his voice and other lands where man's reach had grown farther than the sky. Best of all though, the unicorn made many new friends to help it on it's journey. They loved the unicorn dearly and always treated it with the highest of respect, combing his seafoam mane and brushing his snow white tail, and they made chains of daffodils to crown him with as they pranced through fields filled with heather and wildflowers.
Doumeki sat down next to Yuuko and helped himself to some sake. "How do we change him back?"
Yuuko sipped the last of her sake thoughtfully. "Right now, it looks as though he has something he shouldn't. Returning it to the owner should work, if the owner wants it back."
"What if it doesn't?"
"Then things could be problematic, couldn't they?" Yuuko said with her mysterious smile.
Doumeki's forehead furrowed as he frowned. What was she up to? She was the one woman in his life who was so hard to read.
A crash was heard from the kitchen, followed by muffled curses. Doumeki turned to face that direction, one eyebrow raised. Watanuki was usually graceful in there (and nowhere else), what was going on?
Yuuko laughed. "Sounds like Watanuki is still getting used to moving around with his new additions." She called out a little louder, "Try not to bang that horn of yours into the cabinets, Watanuki!"
"It's a little late for that!" he snarled, bursting through the door.
"I'm back! You'd better get down on your hands and knees to thank me for this sumptuous gift, Doumeki! It was even harder than usual!"
Doumeki choked mid-bite, then told himself to stop being such a pervert. It was bad enough when he thought of things like that, but now it was making Yuuko grin at him with an infernal twinkle in her eye that could only mean trouble.
"I think it'd be better to see you in that position, idiot." Huh, that whole not being a pervert thing was harder than it sounded. Why did his 'love interest' have to make it so easy?
Completely missing the innuendo, Watanuki archly replied, "I'd never get down on my hands and knees! Especially not for you! And I'm not an idiot! Stop stuffing your face and answer me!"
"Boys," Yuuko said, interrupting their struggle. Well, Watanuki's struggle. Doumeki was sort of just sitting there letting the spaz shake him while he ate.
"Tomorrow I'll send you out to find the owner of this item."
"So it'll be removed?" Watanuki chirped hopefully.
"That depends on you," Yuuko smiled in the same way a cat does in the presence of a flightless bird, "but you need to know that I wasn't entirely lying earlier. If you fail, there really will be no way to turn you back."
It was these statements that cast a solemn note on the entire evening, causing everyone to eat quietly and ponder the events that might transpire tomorrow.
Yeah. As if.
"Doumeki, you bastard!"
"Get some fried tofu."
"Gyahhh! I don't know why Himawari-chan puts up with you! I don't know why I put up with you! You always just eat and eat and sit there stupidly saying nothing except get more food!"
And so on.
The unicorn eventually met a beautiful and chaste maiden, and at once put its head in her lap, entranced by her charm and loveliness.
"Like hell! Pure and chaste? Yuuko's nothing like that!" Watanuki protested, tail fully bushed and hissing like a wet cat.
This maiden, as pure as the unicorn itself, humbly asked if it could grant her one favor-
"One? One! I'm lucky if she only asks for one in an hour! She's a slave driver!"
"Really Watanuki, I'd like to think I'm not that bad. I've always been perfectly fair, haven't I?"
"Sure, except for the part where you make crazy requests and don't tell me anything, then keep sending me to get you more liquor!"
Ahem. You mind? I'd sort of like to continue here.
"Why bother? It's all wrong, isn't it?"
It's an accompaniment to the main story. It's supposed to be metaphorical and stuff, not correct.
"Anything that even hints at Yuuko being nice is just all wrong." Watanuki grumbled.
Tough luck. If it bothers you so much, maybe I'll just skip ahead to the good parts! -So the gallant and stoic knight conquered the unicorn and rode him off into the sunrise, their pace never slowing and never tiring.
Doumeki spit his sake back into the cup, a flood of inappropriate images (all featuring a certain spirit-attracting teen) rushed through his mind, currently located in the gutter.
Yuuko was trying and failing to muffle her laughter.
"…I don't get it." Watanuki muttered, glaring at everyone.
"It's okay, Watanuki. We'll tell you when you're older." Yuuko snickered.
Yeah, and while you're waiting for that to happen, I'll get the saddle and reins while Doumeki gets the spurs. See ya!
Mokona pounded Doumeki on the back. The archer had inexplicably started choking and losing blood from the nose area at the same time. It was the strangest thing, absolutely no one could figure out how that one happened.
Doumeki managed to get himself back under control. Barely. Some of those images were pretty hard to pass up. He especially liked the one where he wasn't doing the riding, and Watanuki was red-faced and blushing, lifting himself up and down to increase their pleasure… Stopping now.
"I'm still lost, but I get the feeling I should be angry at all of you."
"Don't be! If you're confused, I'm sure Doumeki wouldn't mind giving you a demonstration!" Yuuko informed, her smile undeniably mischievous.
Remember that line about Doumeki being back under control? You may as well forget about it.
"I don't need Doumeki's help! Especially… Um. Hey, Doumeki, are you going to be okay?" Watanuki asked, uncharacteristically worried about him. There was a lot of blood, after all.
"Fine." Doumeki grunted.
"Because it would be a hassle if you died. Himawari-chan might be sad."
"Would you be?"
"Huh?"
"Would you be sad if I died?"
"Eh! What sort of question is that!"
"Answer it."
He scratched the back of his neck nervously. "Um… Well, it's not like I'd be ecstatic if you did…"
"Watanuki."
"I- yes, okay, you big, stupid oaf!"
"Ah. That's good then."
"Only a smidgeon! Just a little! So small you can't see it with the naked eye! On the molecular level! That's how much I'd miss you if you died!"
"I'd miss you a lot if you went away."
"What, you'd miss my cooking or my 'funny expressions'?"
"No."
"…"
"…"
"Usually, you explain what you'd miss. You aren't going to insult me?"
Doumeki looked up from his spot on the ground, straight into Watanuki's eyes. "I'd miss you."
"You… said that already."
"I know. Idiot."
"Hey!"
"You really are an idiot."
"You two really get along so well," Yuuko chuckled.
"Noooo! Why do all females get it wrong?"
Doumeki continued eating, and apart from another tail and a horn, things weren't all that different. Whether that was a good or bad thing was hard to say at this point.
Yeah, this so wasn't a shameless excuse to have Mokona call Watanuki horny. Anyways, this is usually the part where the author asks for reviews, but I've decided not to do that. Really, you guys don't have to worry about it at all. I'm telling you not to. (Is the reverse psychology working?) XD