A/N: So "To Have and to Hold" is totally not done, I know…. (I will resume working on that momentarily.) But I was feeling angsty and can't focus too much thanks to the new puppy… Anyway, this one-shot is the result.
Rachel never knew where the attraction came from. Yes, she knew Noah Puckerman was a handsome specimen. The strong muscles, defined jaw, seductive eyes, and even a stupid haircut that he somehow made look dashing – that part of the attraction, she understood perfectly. But the attraction to his sulkiness, his usually negative attitude, and his questionable morals? That appeal made little sense to an overly sensible girl like Rachel Berry. And it questioned her very intelligence that she really began wanting him after they broke up…after he finally started dating Quinn Fabray. Lying in bed at night, Rachel began to think she had some strange form of Stockholm Syndrome when it came to Quinn Fabray, who was, after all, her tormentor for many years. Perhaps every boy that Quinn was involved with, Rachel was required to fall for? All she knew is that seeing Quinn and Puck together in the halls, sitting next to one another in Glee, and occasionally running into them on the weekends made her heart ache with unfulfilled desire for something that she knew would never, ever be hers again.
Knowing she had to remain detached, she got into the habit of avoiding him whenever humanly possible. Other than forced contact during musical numbers, she tried very hard to make Noah as much of a stranger as possible. Instead, she watched him from afar.
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Her eyes followed him when he danced with Quinn on prom night. Quinn was named Queen, of course. And even though it was awkward, Finn was named King. They both stayed composed and as soon as they were crowned, Noah pulled Quinn into his arms and spun her across the floor. At the end of the night, as he and Quinn left to go check into their hotel room, he stopped walking for a moment and captured Rachel's gaze with his. Nodding in her direction, he continued on his way and out of her sight. She went home the same way she had arrived – alone - and cried herself to sleep.
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She watched him the day he sang Quinn a song in Glee practice much the way he had done for her at a past point in time. Her heart throbbed as he hit every note perfectly and he was so on-pitch that she wondered why Mr. Schuester didn't immediately make him the new male lead. He ran circles around Finn. That night at home, she went to iTunes and bought the song he had sung. Loading it onto her iPod, she looped it and listened to it play over and over again until she was lulled into a dreamless sleep.
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She was sitting on the bleachers the day she saw Noah and Finn finally speaking. They spoke for a long time and Rachel observed that they both appeared tense. Finally, the two parted ways. But before they left, they shook hands and patted each other on the shoulders. As Puck walked along the edge of the bleachers, he saw Rachel and ticked his head up quickly in acknowledgement. She sent him a half-smile and looked down, glad that the two were working on mending their damaged friendship.
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She studied him the day he and Quinn proudly introduced their baby girl to the Glee club. He was beaming, looking every bit the proud Poppa. When he looked at Quinn, Rachel was sure she saw the love in his eyes. As the baby was passed down the line from one person to the next, she slipped from the room. She hated herself for skipping out on the introductions but she couldn't look at that beautiful little girl without feeling like part of heart was breaking into a thousand pieces that could never be reassembled.
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The summer they all went to music camp, he was always in her peripheral vision. One night, he snuck through the darkness, coming to the girls' cabin, to see Quinn. When he crept in through the back cabin door, he locked eyes with Rachel for just a moment in the moonlight before seeking out Quinn. She would have been overwhelmed, giddy even, at that one particular glance, which had seemed so intense and full of emotion, had she not known that they were sneaking out to have a secret sexual rendezvous somewhere by the lake.
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She watched him the day she and her new boyfriend, Luke, ran into the happy couple at the mall. Introductions were awkward and rushed. Quinn engaged Luke in small talk about his classes at the local college while Puck just stood still, hands shoved in his pockets, looking at the surrounding stores. Rachel stared at the scuffs on her black flats, wishing Lima were larger so these types of horrible unplanned meetings never happened. When they said their goodbyes, Rachel allowed herself to sneak a glance at his striking face. His eyes were already on her and she felt electricity shoot from her heart into her toes. After they parted, Luke commented how nice her friends where. She mumbled a flippant response as she watched his back grow smaller and smaller in the distance. The rest of the night, she was barely able to focus.
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She watched helplessly the day he got down on one knee as soon as graduation was over and proposed to Quinn in front of the entire student body. Rachel let her tears fall freely, knowing it would be futile to try and stifle them. Everyone thought she was crying out of sheer joy for the two young parents, both of which were such close friends with the entire group that they were all like family. She saw his eyes sweep over the crowd of Glee kids and settle on her tear-stained cheeks. She looked away, wishing she could be anywhere but where she was.
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She looked everywhere but at him the night of the "Glee Goodbyes" party held at Mercedes' house before everyone went off to college. She made sure she was rarely in the same room as him. She was aware that the wedding was four months away but she had no intention of going to it. Even though she knew it would hurt Quinn's feelings, Rachel was worried about her own heart more than anyone else's for once. She could be around them together – she had been forced to the last year and a half - but she would not watch him promise to love another girl for the rest of their lives. She almost made it through the entire night of the party without so much as a shared glance but then ran into him in the hallway by the bathroom as the party was beginning to wind down. He stared at her awkwardly, not speaking at first. Finally, he told her that he hoped she did well in New York and that he was sure the rest of the world would be lucky to enjoy her talent. He reminded her not to forget the little people, like him, back in Lima once she was famous before he enveloped her in a hug and held her a little longer than he should have. As he walked away, he ignored the wetness on his shirt and the look of heartbreak in her eyes as she told him goodbye. His gut said that he wouldn't see her again and he knew it was for the best, even if he hoped he was wrong.
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When the wedding invitation arrived a month later, it took her three days to get up the nerve to open it. Once she did, she read the words over and over again before throwing it in the trash, the ink running across the paper, the ornate calligraphy now unreadable from her hot tears.
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She cursed the gods of fate that brought her home the weekend of the wedding four months later. Her fathers were having a recommitment ceremony and Rachel had to come back to Lima. She stayed away, holed up in her house, for most of the visit. But Saturday afternoon, four hours before Noah Puckerman and Quinn Fabray became "The Puckermans", Rachel went to the mall to pick out a gift for her fathers. As she was leaving Hallmark, she wasn't paying attention to her steps and ran smack into a tall, broad, muscular body. Looking up, Rachel went white as her eyes locked with Noah's. She apologized and tried to get away quickly, without having to make horribly painful small talk, but his strong hand circled her wrist and held her firm in her spot. For the first time in four months, she looked into his hazely green eyes. If she hadn't been standing before him, his gazed intently fixed upon her, she would have squeezed her eyes shut to block out his stare. Instead, with his handsome face now burned into her retinas, she smiled a smile that never quite reached her eyes and bade him hello. He greeted her, told her that she was looking well, and asked her if he'd see her at his wedding later that day. Rachel flinched at the words "my wedding" and the reaction did not go unnoticed by him. If there had been a way for her to disappear just then, she would have done it. Her past and her future seemed to collide as she stood in front of the Hallmark store with the boy - no, man - she loved staring down at her for what was surely the last time. Sucking in a breath against the misery rushing through her body as he stood before her, his scent surrounding her, Rachel decided that she had nothing left to lose by speaking. Putting her hand on his arm, she whispered, "I can't watch the man I love marry someone else. I won't be there. But I hope you have a great life with much happiness." Choking on her words, she added, "You deserve it," before she turned on the balls of her feet and disappeared into the crowd. Unmoving, he watched her go, the spot where she had laid her diminutive hand still warm and tingling.
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Later that night, she watched her fathers recommit themselves to one another. But her mind was across town at the wedding she had avoided. Looking at the clock, she knew that by that time, they were now married and probably well into their happy little reception. She pictured them dancing; his muscular body turning in perfect time with Quinn's graceful one as they moved across the dance floor. Chastising herself, she wondered why she was hell-bent on self-torture. She quickly eked out an excused to leave the room, locked the bathroom door behind her, and threw up.
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She drove past his house one last time the next morning before she headed to the airport. She didn't know what she expected to see so she wasn't surprised when she saw nothing out of the ordinary. Realizing he was probably leaving for his honeymoon, she said a silent prayer to not run into the two of them at the airport. She wanted to get back to New York and throw her whole heart, mind, body, and soul into forgetting Noah Puckerman and the fact that she had loved him for two years. Knowing that he was forever gone, never able to become hers now, actually made it easier for her to cope. As she boarded the plane, she hoped that finally, she could live a life without his name imprinted on her heart.
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Immersing herself in college life, Rachel did well. In fact, she actually began to thrive. She landed the parts she wanted, dated the guys who caught her eye, and made friends more easily than she ever had back in high school. Slowly, Lima, Ohio was becoming little more than "the town my parents live in" and that suited her just fine. Occasionally, she would see a man with Noah's build or with his eye color and images of him would come rushing back to her. But she pushed them away with gusto, knowing he was miles away with his wife and daughter, living the exact life he had dreamed about since the day he found out Quinn was pregnant. She would close her eyes and hope that someday, she would meet her Noah and hope that she would become his Quinn, whomever he was. That hope kept her going; kept her trudging through the sometimes-horrendous world of dating.
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Rachel's resolve all came crashing down, though, four months after Puck and Quinn walked down the aisle. On a Saturday morning, she heard a knock on her dorm door. Opening it, she met Noah's troubled, even angry, gaze. He spat the words "Why did you wait until the day I was supposed to marry Quinn to tell me that you loved me?" out at her before she had even truly comprehended that he was there. She stared, not blinking, because she was thoroughly confused as to why he was standing outside her dorm door in New York. When she didn't answer, he pushed himself past her and inside her small room. Looking around at her neat, organized surroundings, he sat down on her bed and repeated the question again but with less anger in his voice. Pulling the chair out from her desk, she put as much distance between them as possible and told him that, in all honesty, she had nothing left to lose that day so finally, after two years, she said what was in her heart. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. When he didn't say anything, she asked him how Quinn and his daughter were. His response was unexpected: "I didn't marry her." Rachel said nothing, too shocked to speak. He repeated the words again. "I didn't marry her." Finally she looked up, meeting his darkened stare, and asked why. Calmly, he told her that it wasn't right to marry one woman when you loved another. Pushing himself from his perch on the bed, he reached her spot in the room in two strides. Sliding to the floor, he set himself between her knees and looked into her eyes. His voice barely above a whisper, he told her that it had broken his heart for two years to watch her from afar. He knew she couldn't be his because of Quinn and the baby but it hadn't changed the desire he felt. Believing she deserved better than him, he let her go and decided to marry Quinn. But then she confessed her feelings for him, a scant four hours before he was to start his life with someone else. That had been the last straw. Calling Quinn, he had apologized profusely but told her that he couldn't marry her because they both deserved to be with someone because of love and not because of duty. After their blow-up, which Noah called "epic", he had remained in Lima to allow for a cooling-off period. But he awoke that very morning and told himself that this was the day he claimed what was his. She sobbed as he spoke, unbelieving of his words. When he took her into his arms and kissed her, she finally believed him.
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Rachel watched him the day she walked down the aisle. His eyes were gleaming, greener than she had ever seen them. When her father placed her hand in Noah's in front of the officiator, their eyes met and locked. For once, Rachel didn't have to look away out of guilt. He was hers – his name was forever imprinted on her heart. And in just a few minutes, they would start their lives as "The Puckermans."