'Alone' –Heart

I hear the ticking of the clock
I'm lying here the room's pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight
No answer on the telephone
And the night goes by so very slow
Oh I hope that it won't end though

Alone

Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone

You don't know how long I have wanted
to touch your lips and hold you tight
You don't know how long I have waited
and I was going to tell you tonight
But the secret is still my own
and my love for you is still unknown

Alone

Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone

How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone

Alone, alone

Alone, alone, alone. Always alone. This was the way things had always been for her. Since her days with her parents, she never fit in with the other children, her brothers were all a lot older than her, in college, she was one of the few girls into computer science, after her parents death, while she was underground, as an adult… and now, the most alone she'd felt in a long while. Sure, she had her adopted family, the BAU team, but at the end of the day, they couldn't stop the loneliness from slipping into her. Kevin had made the loneliness go away for a while, before they'd broken up, over the fact that Penelope didn't love him the way he loved her. Because no one, no one had stopped it better, her eternal loneliness, than Derek Morgan.

Derek was her Hot Stuff, he best friend, her true love, even if he wasn't in on that last part. But for the best part of Penelope's years at the BAU, her heart had belonged to the gorgeous and eternal Casanova profiler Derek. Of course, he didn't know. He had gaggles of gorgeous women willing, and damn happy to share his bed, in an attempt to be the one to tame him. And, Penelope was also aware of the fact that she was nowhere near the level of beauty of those women, and that Derek, although her best friend, will never see fat and geeky Garcia as anything else than his best friend. She knew this, she was perfectly aware of this fact, but that didn't stop her heart from breaking every time she saw him with his new conquest for the night. And, well, after so long, she could deal with that to some degree.

What she couldn't deal with was the fact that Derek was getting serious about someone. It killed her, Penelope wanted Derek to be happy, she did, but it didn't make it easier for her to see him so interested in settling with someone for longer than a weekend.

Before, when the women hadn't lasted longer than a night or two, he was always coming back to her. Not directly no, but they had their dinner nights, and hung out together, and every Wednesday, case permitting, they had a movie night at his or her place. But now, with him and this girl getting serious, movie nights had been put on hold in exchange for date nights with her. And it had killed her inside, every Wednesday, she spent on her own, watching sad movies, wishing she had Derek back. And, sadly, Penelope spent most of the movie thinking about Derek, and what he's doing, where he is. And after every night it gets a little harder for Penelope to get up, and carry on like her heart isn't in shambles at the hands of her best friend.

And the night takes forever to end, but it always ends too soon, because as soon as the night is over Penelope has to go back out in the world, and smile, and have her characteristic eccentric clothes, and witty retorts, and smart ass answers, and her usual energy, and smile like there is nothing wrong with her, and like it doesn't hurt every time Derek calls her, or worse has someone else on the team call her, when he used to do it himself all the time.

Before Derek came into her life, and became such an important part of her, and her everything, she could deal with the loneliness, but Penelope's not sure she can deal with the loneliness and the broken hart for much longer, seeing him every day, and pretending every day for the sake of their long standing friendship…

And he just doesn't see her. He doesn't see how much Penelope would give to be with him. To get him alone. To get him to herself. And there are times, when she wonders, if it really is worth it? Every day, day after day, if she really has to deal with this. And she thinks it does, because life with Derek as your friend and colleague is much better than life without Derek at all. But she always wonders if it wouldn't be better for her, to just get away from him. To get far away so she wouldn't have to see him on a daily basis, to hear his sexy voice over the telephone, to see his sexy smiles directed towards another woman. To just be far away enough to heal her broken heart, her broken spirit. And there are days when she thinks leaving would be the best thing to do. She could keep in touch with the others through e-mail, and she could always come down and visit JJ and Henry, and Reid, and Emily, even Hotchner and little Jack.

And after, some more Wednesday nights spent waiting for Derek to remember their standing movie night, and some more nights spent crying her eyes out because her heart is broken without repair, she makes a decision about her future, and the future of her stay in the BAU. It's her life, and she needs it back, because soon, she wouldn't be able to pretend anymore.