Chapter 11

Bonnie's POV

It seemed only a few minutes ago I had shut my eyes and now I was awakened by my alarm clock. I turned it off without opening my eyes.

I had a strong feeling that I had just woken up from a weird dream, because those pictures that were flashing through my mind couldn't be true. In three minutes I realized that it was true. My eyes snapped open.

Oh my God. What the hell have I done?

I couldn't believe I was that stupid. Really, what had I been thinking? Having sex with Damon? Again? Again? I really, really wanted to commit suicide.

It was until I heard the water running in my bathroom. I froze immediately, listening to the sound.

According to what I remembered Damon had left, hadn't he? Slowly shock changed into anger. How dare he? I got up from the bed and stormed to the bathroom. With one sharp movement I opened the door.

"What the he-" I began. "Ahhhhhh ahhhhh ahhhh" I continued. "Stefan! Oh oh oh, naked Stefan!" I closed the door, my face as red as tomato. God, that was embarrassing.

A few minutes later the bathroom's door cracked open and Stefan walked into the bedroom. I was sitting on the edge of the bed not moving. I wasn't sure if I was awake or still dreaming. I was afraid if I made any movement and if Stefan wasn't real he would fade away. After a moment I dared to speak.

"Are you really here or am I hallucinating again?" I said cautiously.

"I'm really here." He smiled. Then frowned. "What do you mean 'again'?" I looked at him, my eyes narrowed. Then suddenly I jumped of the bed and rushed to him.

"Stefan! Stefan came!" I was yelling, hugging him. I know I behaved like a five-years old, but I was happy beyond belief.

"I missed you so much." I complained once we were in the kitchen and I tried to muster some kind of a breakfast.

"I missed you too, Bonnie" Stefan was sitting at the table, watching me. "How have you been?" I placed two mugs of coffee on the table and sat across from Stefan.

"Actually, there is something I need to tell you." Stefan immediately tensed. "Well…" I began, but didn't know how to finish. How could I tell him about it, if I refused to believe it had really happened?

"What?" Stefan asked, taking his cup absent-mindedly. I cleared my throat.

"Elena came here." I said, though it was from I really wanted to tell him. He froze at my words.

"Elena?" I nodded. "And?"

"She said she was sorry. She stayed here with me for a few days. Then one day when I came home after work, I found nothing but a note where she apologized again and told she had to leave." Stefan's expression was flat. I sighed out of frustration. "Actually that's not what I wanted to tell you"

"There is more?"

"Damon shoved up…" Stefan raises his brows.

"You got to be kidding me." I felt so ashamed. He didn't know even a half of it yet and look at his reaction. "He didn't do anything to you, did he?" That was it. I began to cry. "Bonnie? Bonnie?" Stefan reached out to take my hand but I jerked away.

"I feel like a whore, Stefan. Like a fucking whore." I cried harder.

"What happened?" he asked, concerned.

"I met him when I was going home from a party. And I told him to fuck off. Then later I woke up and he was here. And-" I sobbed "and I told him to leave. And I don't know how… I" I just could not finish that. I was staring at the black liquid of my coffee, because I couldn't look Stefan in the eye either.

"Tell me what happened." He demanded.

"We fucked. Ok? Fucked. I don't even know how that happened." In an instant Stefan was right beside me, taking me from my seat and pulling me into a hug.

"Calm down, Bonnie. Why are you crying? You had sex with Damon. Big deal. You did it before." I pulled away to let him see my expression.

"What are you saying, Stefan? Do you even realize how terrible it is? I'm doing the same mistakes. I can not let history repeat itself."

"What I mean is – yes you slept with Damon again, yes now you're feeling bad, but it's already done. So you have to calm down and think of what you will be doing next." Stefan was right in a way. I couldn't change what had happened; I only could make sure it would not repeat. "Anyway, where is Damon then?" Stefan asked looking around the apartment.

"He said he'd come back tonight for answers."

"And what are you planning on saying him?" he lead me to the living room and we sat on the couch.

"I'm confused, Stefan… I won't deny I loved him. But I'm just not sure I still do. I mean, of course, some part of me does, but he hurt me, and I did my best to get over him and move on. It's just not the same anymore. I'd be glad to let him in my life once more, but something keeps telling me he will leave me after all." Ok, that was a long speech. But I had to tell that somebody, anybody. I needed to confess all that. Stefan always understood me. He was looking at me sadly. I closed my eyes and put a hand to my forehead.

Stefan didn't try to comfort me, didn't say anything. I didn't really need him to speak right now. He was there and I was glad. I had imagined Stefan's return home. I had thought we would be having fun like before, and that we would talk non-stop. I had never thought it would be like this.

I opened my eyes and looked at the clock. Damnit! I'm gonna be late for work. I got up and rushed to the bedroom.

I got ready to leave and came to Stefan, who was still in the living room.

"I'm leaving. Be back at 6. I believe you can make yourself busy until then?" I knew my voice was flat, but I couldn't do anything about it. Stefan looked at me and nodded. I left.

When I returned home I caught a scent of Italian food. Stefan's cooking, I assumed. Indeed, as I made my way to the kitchen I saw Stefan working magic over the stove.

"God, that smells wonderful. I can't remember the last time I used that thing" I said pointing at the stove. Stefan smiled.

"How was your day?" he asked. The tone of his voice was actually light. I wondered what he was thinking.

"Good." He raised a brow. "Ok, terrible. I can't take my mind of everything that happened. I keep thinking about everything." I sighed and sat on a chair.

"What do you want, Bonnie?" Who knows? I stared at my feet, thinking.

On the one hand I did want to love and be loved, you know, the usual. I wanted to feel that warmth one feels seeing a beloved. What in some way meant I wanted Damon. How could I deny I still had feelings for him?

On the other hand there were lots and lots of complications with that. First of all it was Damon for God's sake! All his life was one big whim. He did what he wanted and never paid any attention to what it did to people around him. Like he had wanted me, he had gotten me. Then all of sudden he had wanted Elena again, so had had her. Then back to the square one, he wanted me again. What was I supposed to tell him? I didn't even trust him anymore.

Then again in one of his weird ways he had almost declared his love to me yesterday. Did he love me? Like really love? Or would he forget about me as soon as some pretty girl came around proposing to him?

I had been always told 'Look inside your heart and find the answer there'. I looked. The heart told me to fuck off.

I looked at Stefan, finding him sill waiting for my answer.

"I want… something." He shook his head. "I feel something for Damon… but I can't let him in my life again. It's like… you still love Elena… would you accept her if she came to you asking for it now?" Stefan stopped doing whatever he was doing and his face became serious and sad.

"Elena is a different story, Bonnie."

"Why? I'm sorry if I'm hurting you, but, Stefan, she left you just like Damon left me."

"No, it's nowhere near you getting bumped by Damon!" I greeted my teeth. Anger was slowly building in my chest.

"Yeah? And why's that?" The conversation was getting louder with each word.

"She left me because I refused to turn her into a vampire!" Stefan shouted.

"Oh" my God, I added silently. I looked at Stefan with tears ready to fall onto my cheeks. "I'm sorry" I said quietly.

"There is nothing to be sorry about." Stefan responded bitterly. I got up and wrapped my arms around him. After a few silent minutes Stefan cleared his throat. "I'm almost done here" he motioned at the food. "A few more minutes and we can eat" he announced.

"Let me help you" I suggested, taking a knife.

And wasn't Elena a bitch? Really, who did that girl think she was? I couldn't believe I had once adored that manipulative whore. Maybe that was said too rough, but I just couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that my best friend, that I had been ready to die for, had destroyed so many lives just to get what she wanted. And I would've understood if she wanted something … reasonable. But leave Stefan, steal Damon from me, hurt me just to become a vampire?

I cut my finger. "Shit!" I hissed.

"What?" Stefan asked then looked down on my bleeding finger. He frowned.

Slowly Stefan reached out and took my hand, bringing it closer to his face. My body was demanding something… Air! I inhaled deeply when I understood I was holding my breath.

He put my finger to his lips. I stood frozen, afraid to move, speak. I should have pulled away. Why didn't I? Hell, I didn't know. What is wrong with me? Though my eyes were still open, instead of my kitchen I saw Fell's Church, all those years back. I saw gorgeous guy pulling into school's parking lot (who btw later turned up to be Stefan), and I remembered how I liked him and… am I losing it now?

I blinked and noticed Stefan still staring at the blood on my finger. He licked his lips and then put the finger into his mouth sucking softly. I watched him wide-eyed. My mouth fell open.

Suddenly, as if remembering what he was doing, Stefan looked up at me scared. He dropped my hand and stepped back.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what happened to me." He said, then licked his lips once again. I swallowed before shaking my head.

"Forget about it. Let's go eat at last!" I faked enthusiasm.

When the truth was – what had just happened scared the hell out of me. I didn't think I had seen Stefan like that before. Plus, hadn't he sworn not to drink human blood? And then there was guilt - I should have stopped Stefan! How the hell could have I let him do it?

Thank God the dinner went without any further accidents. I really didn't know how much more of all this I could get. Probably I would end up in a crazy house.

After the dinner I announced I was going to take a bath, Stefan decided to go hunt. And on that our ways parted. Mine went into the bathroom, his out of the front door and into the darkness.

I took my time in the bathroom, not being in a rush at all to get out of hot water. Now, what was I going to do about Stefan? If he kept up doing things like that who knew what I would do. I decided to do the best thing I could – let the fate rule. I sighed, wrapping a towel around me and stepped out of the bathroom.

And almost immediately jumped back in there and slammed door shut behind me. Leaning against the door I tried to steady my breath. Please, Dear God, please, make that man that is sitting on my bed and looks like Damon, disappear. I don't ask you anything too often, but PLEASE! I prayed. I pulled on my robe, cracked the door open and sneaked my head out of the bathroom. I found that smirking bastard where I first saw him, looking extremely smug. I scratched myself away from the door and forced my legs to move in his direction.

"What?" I asked sharply once I approached in front of him.

"Waiting" he responded smugly.

"For what?"

"For you to say you love me" I put my hands on my face. Then, after a moment, sighed removing them.

"Damon…" I began but was interrupted when the front door opened. I knew immediately Stefan came back. He would help me out. He always helped me. Damon had a confused face when he heard footsteps heading to the room. "I'm with Stefan again." I lied quickly and pointed at Stefan who just happened to show up in the doorway. "I'm sorry, I can't. Stefan came back and we decided to try again."

"What?" Damon asked in disbelief. "You decided- WHAT?" He got up from the bed abruptly and stepped closer to me. "What are you even saying? Do you even hear yourself?" I couldn't hold back anymore.

"I don't want to be with you!" I shouted. "I want Stefan! Not you! Never you!" Damon greeted his teeth. Stefan moved closer to me. I was breathing hard and my head was spinning. After all Damon composed himself and made a few steps to the door, but then stopped and turned around.

"Yeah, you want Stefan. Why wouldn't you ask him first if he wants you?" He smirked and nodded a few times like saying 'Go, go, ask'.

"What do you mean?" I looked from him to Stefan. "What is he talking about, Stefan?"

"Why, brother, you didn't tell her? He made me a little lovely present on the day your Meredith got married…"

Stefan's face hardened at the words. "Shut up, Damon. Go away" he hissed.

"But, Stefan, how can I not tell Bonnie?" Damon was clearly enjoying his. He was flashing his brilliant smiles left and right.

I stood confused. What didn't I know? What didn't Stefan tell me? What was that he didn't want Damon to spill out? I thought back to what Damon had said about Meredith's wedding…

"What do I not know?" I all but demanded. Stefan's jaw tightened. Damon smirked at me.

"You see, Bonnie…" he paused to add some more drama to it. "When you and your little friends were all so exited about the great ceremony, Stefan couldn't help but thinkt how to make everybody happy…." He looked at Stefan and shook his head in disapproval. I could tell Stefan was very angry, his nostrils flared. But he didn't try to stop Damon. "So" Damon continued "he decided to make a sacrifice – he left you so I could get you."

I swallowed hard. Was that true? Stefan didn't argue with Damon, he didn't defend himself. He left me? For Damon?

Suddenly I felt like I'd been bathed in dirt. And breathing became so very hard task. I looked at Stefan.

"He's telling truth, isn't he?" I asked almost smiling myself. Not that I found it was funny; it was rather a hysterical reaction. "Stefan…" Suddenly Stefan found his voice.

"Yeah? And you?" he glared at Damon. "You wouldn't even be here if I didn't tell you why Elena left me." My shoulders fell and something began to ache in my chest so terribly.

Would Damon come to me if he thought Elena loved him? I thought I knew the answer. More pain in the chest, spreading to my limbs, making my knees weak. I was looking with disbelief at the brothers. They were shouting insults at each other, but I didn't really listen, lost in my own grief.

I was always the stupid one. The brainless one. Now I was getting paid for that. And there was no one to blame except me.

I could've asked questions, I could've cried, screaming 'WHY?". Instead I just took a step back from them. "Just leave me alone." I took another step back. "Just…" I closed my eyes. "I open my eyes and you're gone." I silently counted to five and slowly cracked my eyes open.

They were still there. They stood not moving, staring at me. I swallowed, preparing myself to say something, to yell, maybe.

"No one ever asks me what I want. You always seem to know what's best for me. You always try to make my decisions." I saw Damon smirking, probably knowing I was talking mostly to Stefan. "Stop, grinning, you idiot!" I did yelled, "You used me! Like a whore. I am not Elena. I won't go fucking around. And there is nothing I want from you." I panted. My eyes watered up and I did nothing to stop tears. "Get out! Leave me the hell alone! Both of you."

I started back to the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. I turned the water on loud, so no one would hear broken sobs that made their way from the depth of my chest.

Hate you, I thought silently.