I know, I know, the LAST thing Spazzkitty should do is start another story. She's got enough on her plate already. And she's referring to herself in the third person. She's LOST it. Or rather, I have. But ever since I read this GREAT Naruto E-mail fic, I've been inspired to do one for Hetalia. Just a warning: SLOW UPDATES, PEOPLE. THEY WILL BE SLOOOOOOW. You know this if you follow my other stuff. Just kick back and enjoy the humor! Pairings at this point are KorChi, PruHun, GerIta, Spero, UsUk, and probably more (most likely RussLiet). I don't know if I'll take requests, but basically everyone will be in here, so I can do a LOT of pairs~ I don't own Hetalia! So just sit back and enjoy~
Subject: Why Don't We Ever Do Work?
Chapter 1: Strawberries
From: Elizabeta Héderváry
To: Im Yong Soo
Subject: HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS?!
Yong Soo
Why does NOBODY update me on the goings-on of the office? I mean, seriously. Just because I'm usually on-top of everything doesn't mean I don't need people to tell me things sometimes. I'm not a miracle worker.
But anyway. Did you know that apparently one of the new interns is Feli's brother? I didn't even KNOW Feli had a brother. Supposedly they're almost identical-looking. Oh goodness gracious. Is it wrong to hope Feliciano, his brother, and that blonde guy who always awkwardly lurks near the water cooler start a super-hot threesome and let me take a couple pictures of it?
…Don't answer that.
Speaking of questions I may not want the answers to, did you see Feliks's heels today? Prada with a spike heel. Ouch. Gotta give credit where it's due—the guy makes them look absolutely effortless.
Love and hugs,
Liza
From: Im Yong Soo
To: Elizabeta Héderváry
Subject: I don't know, but I DID! :D
Eliza
Tsk, tsk. I'm disappointed. That's not like you at all. You're always so informed. Are you getting rusty?
Yes, I knew Feliciano had a brother. He was telling me all about him the other day, but I wasn't paying attention at all. I was too busy watching Yao eating frozen yogurt and imagining slathering it all over his body. And then licking it off. Mmm. Strawberry. ;D
You mean Ludwig? He's another new intern. That guy's really weird. He was just staring at Feliciano with a dreamy expression all during lunch. And he was clutching at his sandwich like he was afraid it would run away from him cackling like the gingerbread man. He didn't even care that his mechanical pencils were invented in Korea. The guy's a nutcase.
Hm. Didn't see them, but they sound pretty sexy. D'you think I could convince him to let me borrow them to show Yao? ;3
-Yong Soo
From: Yao Wang
To: Im Yong Soo
Subject: Office Disruption
Dear Yong Soo,
I must ask that you stop writing Ms. Héderváry, as whenever she talks to you, she can't ever seem to get any work done. She just ran past my office to the bathroom, clutching a tissue to her nose which seemed to be bleeding suspiciously heavily. I can only assume that you're the cause of this scenario, and I must therefore ask you to refrain from disrupting her work.
Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.
Cordially,
Wang Yao
From: Im Yong Soo
To: Yao Wang
Subject: DO I DETECT JEALOUSY?
My dearest Yao, the light of my existence,
I'm sorry that me talking to Liza has caused you to feel lonely and abandoned. I promise to divide my time equally between you, although do remember that my heart will always belong completely to you. Just like your breasts will always be mine and mine alone :D
As for the reason she was bleeding 'suspiciously' (How is that possible?), I have no idea what caused it. Maybe she's on her period.
Lovingly yours,
Yong Soo
From: Yao Wang
To: Im Yong Soo
Subject: …No
Dear Yong Soo,
I've reread my past email and nothing in there implies I am lonely or abandoned in any way. I must ask you to stop putting words in my mouth.
Also, I AM A MALE AND HAVE NO BREASTS. I find it surprising you haven't been able to grasp this yet.
…Do you even know what a girl's period is?
From,
Wang Yao
From: Im Yong Soo
To: Yao Wang
Subject: LIES!!!!!!
To my sweet Muffin-Bottom (I heard that pet name from Alfred! Isn't it adorable?! :D)
I put no words in your mouth, my dearest Yao. YOU PUT THEM THERE YOURSELF :P
Why you silly, silly thing! Of course you have breasts! But don't worry, I prefer yours to Eliza's. Even though she's probably about a C-cup now. Or a D. I can ask if you want. But regardless, yours are still the best in my mind~
No. Can you tell me?
Your devoted servant,
Yong Soo
From: Yao Wang
To: Im Yong Soo
Subject: …
Yong Soo,
Go Die.
Yao.
From: Im Yong Soo
To: Elizabeta Héderváry
Subject: YAO HATES ME NOW D:
ELIZAAAAAAAA!
HE TOLD ME TO GO DIE! I BET IT'S BECAUSE YOUR CHEST IS BIGGER THAN HIS! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!
I need to go eat ice cream now. Or strawberry frozen yogurt.
Distraughtly yours,
Yong Soo
From: Elizabeta Héderváry
To: Im Yong Soo
Subject: I'm sure it's not as bad as all that, dearie
Yong Soo,
…When were you two talking about my chest? Never mind, I don't want to know.
I'm sure it doesn't have to do with that. Maybe he's just…shy. Or embarrassed. Please don't tell me you broke out the pet names again. You'd think you'd learn after the last time you called him Cuddle-Duck and he punched you so hard in the gut you couldn't stand up for fifteen minutes. Nobody has such a horrendous talent for those kinds of names as you.
…But then again, Feliks's 'Glitter-Kitten' was truly a work of art as well.
The weirdest thing happened to me on the way back from the bathroom. I met the infamous brother! Let's just say that it's not very likely that he'll be up for a threesome. Or even a twosome, for that matter. It makes me pretty sad. Why can't we have an office full of gay men who love public affection in front of cameras?
I guess we all have to have dreams…
~Eliza
From: Im Yong Soo
To: Elizabeta Héderváry
Subject: IT TOTALLY IS AS BAD AS ALL THAT!!!
Eliza,
…He loves the pet names. You know it. They brighten up his otherwise dull and meaningless life. Like light bulbs (which were, by the way, invented in Korea).
Or something like that.
IS FELIKS STEALING MY PET NAMES THING? THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SPECIAL FOR ME AND YAO! HE WILL TOTALLY PAY FOR THAT! MY GOD! IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE? IS NOTHING SACREEEEED?!
Ooh, so you DID meet the other brother (lol, that rhymed :D)! Spill the juicy details?
-Yong Soo
From: Elizabeta Héderváry
To: Im Yong Soo
Subject: You're totally overreacting again -_-
Yong Soo,
Spill the details?
…Well, if you insist!
OKAY. SO. I was just walking down the hallway on the way back from the bathroom (On that note, thanks a lot for the nosebleed. Did you really have to play the strawberry froyo card?) when I saw this guy at the company mailboxes who looked a helluva lot like Feli. Like, almost identical. Except he had this brooding, un-Felilike expression on his face, which actually made him look pretty hot. So he's hot and Feli's cute. I wonder which'd top in bed?
…I gotta stop doing that.
Anyway. He was shifting through the mail and I was just casually observing from behind a potted plant (OBSERVING, not stalking), and all of a sudden, Antonio walks into the hallway (I know you've probably forgotten who he is already, so let's just say he's the guy who forgets to turn off the sink in the boy's bathroom, which is why it always floods in there) and stops. Dead. This look comes across his face, and I can't describe it, except that it was CLEARLY love at first sight.
I'M NOT EVEN OVERREACTING HERE.
His face was all flushed and his eyes sparkled and IT LOOKED JUST LIKE A THOUSAND ANGELS HAD DESENDED UPON HIM AND FILLED HIM WITH THE GLORY OF A FRESH SPRINGIME LOVE. I can just imagine your look of skepticism, but trust me. I know that look when I see it. And, as I'm sure you can tell by my capslock, I saw it as clearly as you can see that President Kirkland lusts after that stupid blonde who poured chocolate milk into the only working toaster in the break room in an attempt to make hot chocolate. Which makes it as PLAIN AS THE CURL ON YOUR HEAD.
What happened next can only be described as one of the most satisfying boy-hits-on-boy attempts I've ever seen in my life. Antonio basically leapt forward, grabbed Not-Feliciano's hand, KISSED THE BACK OF IT (BE STILL MY HEART!), and looked up at him with an adorably lopsided smile. "My name is Antonio," he said in that incredibly sexy accent of his (So what if he's gay? I can window-shop if I want). "May I ask for your name?"
I MELTED. ON THE SPOT.
Not-Feliciano's face turned bright red and I had to bite my lip so hard it bled to stop from squealing because the whole thing was SO romantic and SO cute, but he scowled at him so ferociously that Antonio looked a little bemused. "Excuse me," he said in an acidic tone, "Do you have a map? I got lost in the pitfalls of your ugly face."
THE LOOK ON ANTONIO'S FACE COULD ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS SMITTEN.
And when Not-Feliciano noticed this, he socked him in the stomach and ran off, blushing and muttering to himself the whole way. All Antonio did was stare at him dreamily, clutching his stomach in pain.
I THINK I HAVE ANOTHER COUPLE TO SHIP IN THIS OFFICE~! Besides you and Yao, that is 3
AP9JAMN9PITJ4MKARVFB9W8IO3RF OH MY GOD, THAT SLIMY ALBINO JUST... I AM GOING TO KILL HIM.
-ELIZABETA
From: Im Yong Soo
To: Elizabeta Héderváry
Subject: My dear Liza, I NEVER overreact.
…
That sounds like the most interesting thing to happen to this office since that guy from Denmark filled all the soap dispensers with toothpaste.
And I remember Antonio. Sparkly-green-eyes, oblivious-as-fuck, hangs out with King-Of-Egomaniacs and Sexually-Violates-Anything-That-Moves.
The blonde that he lusts for? Alfred F. Jones. How could you forget his name? He made up that whole eighteen-verse song about how awesome he was that he was singing through the hallways for three weeks straight.
…Oh god, now it's stuck in my head. CURSE YOU, JONES!
YAO AND I ARE THE CUTEST COUPLE EVER!!!!!! :D
What are you going to DO to him? Wait for me, I wanna watch! Be right there!!
-Yong Soo
From: Arthur Kirkland
To: Gilbert Beilschmidt
Subject: You ignorant tosser
Mr. Beilschmidt,
I'm assuming from the frying pan-shaped mark on implanted on your face that you yet again made some sort of lewd comment or gesture to Miss Héderváry and she has (yet again) responded accordingly by bashing your face in with her weapon of choice. I would just like to take this chance to remind you that she could sue you for sexual harassment.
Or I could fire you. Both options are tempting.
Also, while I'm on the topic of it, she clearly hates you. As does Mr. Edelstein. As does…well, most everyone for that matter.
Get back to work, you lazy ass.
~Arthur Kirkland
President of Marketing and Sales
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt
To: Arthur Kirkland
Subject: Go fuck yourself. Or, better yet, have Jones do it.
Attached: Blackmail
Captain KIRKland,
I'm assuming from the stick up your ass that you yet again spent another night lying awake, wishing you weren't so sex-deprived and have (yet again) decided to take out your sexual frustrations on me because you're just that sort of person. I would just like to take this chance to remind you that I get more in one night than you have in your entire life.
That's probably because of my five meters. I know THAT'S tempting.
Also, while I'm on the topic of it, you clearly want Jones. You practically whimper every time he comes into your office with his tight jeans on Casual Friday. Don't think I haven't noticed.
I also have a picture of you staring longingly at his ass (see attachment for proof). If you fire me, I'm sending it to Elizabeta. That's as good as telling the New York Times.
Cheerio!
~Gilbert Beilschmidt
President of Kicking Serious Amounts of Ass
A/N: So what do you think, guys? Love it? Hate it? Tolerate it? Please review regardless~