paths we take Chapter 1: take a breath, a bleach fanfic

paths we take
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.
Warnings: pairings, some sexual content
Summary: he can't recall her laughter

Your face, full of marvel but masked by incertitude and doubt, is still embossed into my memories from the first day we saw each other; chiseled and marked forever. Do you remember mine? Curious and amused? Awed and mystified? Tell me, for I do not know.

He wonders what she'd say to him now.

Maybe he doesn't want to know, honestly. But he's curious. To this point, he thinks that perhaps she will not care and resonate to apathy, to turn her back and never look at him again. He wouldn't blame her, if he were to say the truth.

Yoruichi never seems to look back anyway, so Byakuya shouldn't care.

(But he does.)

You never laugh, little one. Wish you would. I bet you'd sound sincere and real. Soft.

The woman below him moans with pleasure. He wants to shut her up, keep her quiet until they're done. He hasn't even checked to see who she really is and what she looks like. All he knows is that it isn't the one he wants, so he keeps his eyes shut and ignores the slow movements and annoying sounds she makes.

As he always does, he pretends it's her writhing beneath him. He imagines she'd making jerking movements to match his own and moan in just the right way. But his imagination can take him so far and he can't see her anymore before he's finished. Instead, he's back in reality, where he is once again struck with the fact that there is a woman lying underneath him; a woman he does not care about and will only meet once in his life.

He comes after her. She sighs in satisfaction and attempts to say something along the lines of Oh, that was good or Thanks for that. But he's up getting his clothes back on and out of the filthy room before she can say anything. He doesn't want to hear any other voice but hers. The one he's wanted for so long.

It's only been twenty years since her betrayal but he can't forget her. She's that ghost that haunts his thoughts throughout the day.

He thinks he's pathetic, so he keeps his thoughts and his little nightly visits down by the runkongai secret. He's a disgrace. At least, that's what he thinks he is.

No more calling me stupid names. It's annoying. But, I suppose, if you didn't call me that, what would you call me? "Princess" That wouldn't happen in a hundred years.

"Grandson," his grandfather sighs out and starts for the table, where tea has been placed, "I am certain there will be other opportunities for you to become captain. But snatching this chance is far too foolish, I must warn you."

Byakuya's eyes narrow further and he refuses to sit down after his grandfather ushers him to. "The opportunity is fit for one in my position. The Second Division needs one with expertise. It's not foolish, it's thinking ahead."

"Byakuya," he sternly returns. Upon the raised eyebrows of acknowledgment to the loss of pationence his grandson sported, he sighs and closes his eyes. "To replace her in everything would only steal your identity, Byakuya..."

It's as if his darkest secrets have been revealed and the younger Kuchiki can only think of how anyone could have seen right through him so easily. It's not as if he's tried to replace the former captain. In fact, he's not sure what his real motives are. All he knows is that he'd rather show anyone he could surpass her in every way possible. The battling abilities, the speech, the nobility, even secrets. That's how he wanted it on display.

It strikes him in a painful way. No one has spoken to him of her betrayal since he was notified. And he's never bothered speaking about it. It's been deeply buried in his heart and never to come out. But apparently, there was a leak and it's out for everyone to see.

Glaring darkly, Byakuya turns the other way. When he hears his name being called, he only runs. Faster and faster until he's somewhere desolate and away from anything that deals with nobility and that name Yoruichi. It's then he realizes that his grandfather is right. He screams to the top of his lungs (he hasn't done this in awhile) and tears up the sandy land before him. It's annoying and sickening, but he's right. His identity will never be the same if he tries to replace that woman. There's nothing he'd like more than to change everything, tell her to her face that she's the wrong one, that she shouldn't have ever left.

But he can't. And won't. He's looked already for her. And he's tired of searching and annoyed with replacing.

He'll be better than that, he decides. He'll be better than her.

(Later he hears Soi Fon requested the position and laughs because he sees a little girl. But he has her to thank. Someone has to look more foolish than he's being. He was that little boy a day ago, he'll become a man.)

Sometimes, when I look at you, there is something hidden behind your eyes. You hide so much away from the world. I don't think you understand that I want to know.

The woman tonight is louder than usual and he has to cover her mouth half the time because the voice pierced through his thoughts and imagination. She moans later and he's afraid someone will hear. He was in a hurry and the choice of location is near the local drinking area, where, unfortunately, many members of the Gotai 13 attend. Many will recognize him in an instant. It's infuriating that the woman has to be so loud, despite their actions.

Or maybe he thinks you should only be louder when you're truly happy with the person. But the woman doesn't even know who he is, which pisses him off to no end.

After they're done, he dresses quickly and is out of there in seconds, mindful of a shower as he heads home. Before he heads out the main entrance of the building, he spots something of a night color move hurriedly in the window. It triggers a memory and he's out the door in flurry and searching for any sign of it.

There.

Running down an alleyway is a black cat. He's after it without a second thought, because it never had felt silly before (chasing and chasing).

He thinks he hears a chuckle before the cat disappears from his sight in an instant.

We were drinking tea and you turned to look at me. You had a strange look on your face, as if you had found the sight of me of no importance anymore. It took me a few days, but I realize you were waiting for me to react and smile. But I didn't. Sorry.

"Byakuya-sama..."

The small and gentle voice from his wife brings him from his reverie of the ealier conference with the captains regaurding more patrol in the world of the living. Blinking up to meet her gaze, he can only smile at the sight of her kind features and fragile stance by the doorway.

Everything about her is different from the other women he has ever encountered. Even if ill with grief and disease, she manages to smile everyday for anyone. Her gentle words often send others into deep thoughts and calm reactions. However, she complies with everything she believes he would wish; submissive and influenced by his presence, as if one of his subordinates. This is the only trait he can find that is bothersome; the rest seems like the perfect woman. And she doesn't even know it.

"Yes, Hisana?"

She steps forward once and reaches under her blanketed clothing to find a paper. "A messenger sent this to both you and I..."

"Oh," he nods and stands to retrieve it . She hurriedly takes it across the room before he can move any further behind his desk. Reading it, he frowns and sighs. Placing the note on the side, he begins to read over a report made earlier for a possible choice for vice-captain.

It is silent and he wishes she wouldn't stand while being so sick. He raises his head and opens his mouth to speak to her, but she inquires something first.

"Who is Urahara?"

"A man who betrayed the Soul Society and stole away with several others--including captains," he replies without a second thought.

Hisana makes a noise indicating she understands. With a sigh, he asks her to sit and she complies quietly.

"Was he close to you?"

"No, but the woman who aided his escape..." he stops. Was she close to him? Mentally, yes. However, she hadn't preoccupied his mind since Hisana entered his life. But as he stares at his wife's expectant face, he realizes that--"she was."

"She was close to you?"

"Yes...she trained me, often, in my younger years."

She hums with amusement. "You are still young, Byakuya-sama."

"Which is something she said too."

"Then perhaps you should keep her close to your heart?"

It would have seemed so wrong coming from anyone else, but this is Hisana and she means it dearly. She wishes for everyone not to regret the past, which is something he still has troubles with (and will have for years to come). When he stares at her face with uncertainty, having difficulty placing his thoughts into words, she smiles suddenly.

"Oh, Byakuya-sama," she covers her mouth with a small throaty chuckle, "do not get anxious over such a small matter."

He tries not too. For her sake.

Your eyes are so cold sometimes. I know you've seen death more times than most kids your age and it's not fair. You don't seem to care. You don't really know the difference. It's okay, but you won't be so ignorant one day and you'll see right through me too.

When Hisana dies, he thinks of how small life can be. Even if they live long lives here, it can be cut off in a blink of an eye. So he finds the sister of Hisana and keeps her under his wing, despite this so called thing named pride. Because all that it comes down is the life we all hold, he knows.

He wonders if she knew that.

It's the first time it dawns upon him that she might have died already.

And, for a moment, as he stalks the halls to the records room, he pauses. The goal of finding that beloved sister of Hisana's is forgotten for only a second. But his heart stops, though unnoticed, and all he can think of is that all his life he's been waiting for something that's never coming back. He understands he's never believed her death before, for it's simply what others said. So within that small stretch of time, he weighs the possible loss.

Byakuya doesn't take the time to fully explore what two deaths would feel like.

It's been awhile. I haven't written anything in here for so long. But I realize that no one will ever see this--it's hidden. But just in case: could you smile for once? Bya-bo, don't get frustrated with small things.

The Shihōin clan find the remaining items from her wing in one of the many living corridors they own. Being the heiress, Yoruichi had many rooms to herself. No one asks why they hadn't investigated the rest of her rooms earlier in the years because it doesn't really matter anymore to most people. Some of the possessions were standard and regular items to have, however, they had discovered something else.

Inside the wall, behind the mirrors, she had stored records and notes. Again, most of them were customary and she explained nothing of her sudden disappearance. Nevertheless, as they examined further, they found small personal writings to the several people in her life. As if she were to write them a letter but had never been able to find time for it. (Besides, Yoruichi has never been one to write letters, she just tells it to your face.)

A meeting is held for the captains and it is brought up in the current subject of missing people of the Gotei 13. Byakuya stares on, straight ahead but it's not enough because he still feels Ukitake's sincere gaze. Yamamoto describes how she hadn't left anything of importance to anyone and he spots Soifon's eyes turn downcast for only a second until they cloud over with the coldness he has used for years.

Afterwards, Ukitake approaches him kindly and that everlasting sweet smile upon his lips as he speaks to him in the hallways.

"Yami-jii didn't want to make it such a trivial matter," he says softly, taking a piece of worn and yellowed parchment out of his belt, "but the notes we found within her journals--if you can call it that--consisted of her personal writings to her namaka. And..." Ukitake's eyes turn poignant and he spots a spec of pity in them, "...most of them were to you. Since she is...presumed dead, no one thinks it is invading her possessions anymore."

Byakuya doesn't hear past "you". All he hears is mocking laughter (it's in his head, just in his head, because there's no way she's really there and laughing at him) and feet hitting the ground as memories purge his mind. And the paper isn't just one paper; there are a few papers in Ukitake's hand. He doesn't know how those papers ended within the shaking shelter of his hands and how he is suddenly standing inside his office alone. But somehow he is and he's glad no one witnesses how his body seems weakened and limp. No one sees him fall into his chair heavily with a tired look upon his face.

Presumed dead.

He's never heard it from Ukitake and now it seems so definite. He doesn't want to think upon the lines of "she might be dead" or "there's no way she's coming back" but he does think: She's no more. It's been years and he still thinks of her as he did as a boy and for that he berates himself.

Upon reading the first line, the papers are stashed away in a flurry of whites and yellows and never to be looked at again.

You will be a better man than most, Byakuya. Don't forget that.

He wants to kill her.

The second she appeared in front of him, he finds she's not only changed in appearance, but the creases in her face, the way she holds herself, have all changed. The first thing going through his mind, however, isn't this. It's the fact she's standing right there. She's not dead, not harmed and she is completely able.

And when he challenges her to their little game of tag, he's angered beyond words that she agrees. Because all he wants is for her to leave and never come back. They hold a gaze for only a moment and she's off, heading right towards him. And that anger turns into the loathing he's been storing for all these years. So he strikes her. It was an illusion, but he had seen what it would have been like if he had killed her.

It's unsatisfying.

When she finally leaves, he turns to go. Ukitake asks him what should he do. Byakuya merely answers, "I'm no longer interested here."

Because he's not.

That damn woman haunts his mind, instead of his pending fight.

You hit me with your sword today. I couldn't believe it so I laughed. You threw it at me when we were running, but you got me! Granted, I could see you were about to strangle me, but I saw that victory float in your eyes. I'm not proud but not disappointed either. I finally feel as if you're on my level. Never mind. Just...forget it. It's nothing.

Rukia's features consist of something akin to longing and hope as she stares at the courtyard outside during the daylight hours. As they eat, her eyes drift back and forth from food to window. She hardly eats, which isn't a change at all. But Byakuya notes the face and connects it to the Kurosaki, who had gone back to the world of the living just two days ago. She is distant but smiles regularly and has warmly spoken to him lately, so he doesn't bother telling her to stop the vain hope the boy will come walking through the door somehow.

The two share something, Byakuya concludes. A bond of some sort. He knows the foolish boy is doing the same thing. And, suddenly, Byakuya has déjà vu and he sees the boy he used to be, staring out the same window, wishing for the same thing. For the ware-cat would often race through his door and pull him out to play. He had imagined, younger, that she would drift through his room and explain things, tell him he was right and everyone else was wrong. But those were vain hopes and shameful thoughts, he knows.

But she's alive. And everything is starting to be pieced together. Soifon is the one to see her often, but Byakuya couldn't care less. Somewhere, maybe, a part of him calls to her to come to the grounds they once raced. But it should be no more, he thinks. She was once no more and now there is no more of what was. What truly has been killed is reliving the moments between them; the unknown companionship they held together, until the other end was dropped in a heartbeat for another.

Something strange possesses him and his eyes are drawn to the window, and suddenly Rukia and he share the same gaze. There's a flash of black and he rips his stare away, swearing to himself he did not see a feline jump off the wall.

"Hurry and eat your food, Rukia," he says standing up and walking to the door.

"Yes, Nii-sama..."

She's still looking out the window, he knows.

I've stopped calling you Bya-bo not so long ago in my mind. Thoughts of you hold the world "Byakuya" now. It's laughable, I know. Maybe you would laugh if I told you this; perhaps then I could hear. But...it is consistent, as if I shouldn't name you "little one" anymore. As if...

He thinks of her often now.

It's not such a shameful things to him, presently. But he believes it's shameful when he thinks of her anything other than "senpai" (he almost wants to laugh at the word, for she was nothing like that to him before). In his battle with the arrancar, he mentions her. Just "her". It's the clostest he's ever gotten to speaking of her aloud.

Something stirs at the pit of his stomach. He ignores and deafeats the enemy.

Besides, Rukia is of more importance than a mere name he could not say.

Sometimes, Byakuya, things happen. You should know what I mean when I say "we all change". Because we do--you did. You weren't so gloomy before your parents died. But...people do things for their own selfish reasons. Please don't judge me if anything happens suddenly. But if you do...then I understand.

--x--

End part one.