Summary: The offices of Colonel Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist, are in their usual chaos, and Ed discovers a stubborn truth: There is something to be learned from everybody. Roy has dating advice, Riza has common sense; and Sheska understands the theory of Shakespeare. Edward/Sheska two-shot, bits of Roy/Riza.

~Shakespeare

Punctual. Cautious. Discreet.

None of these words would be used to describe Major Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist. In fact, many would say that he was nothing short (forgive the pun) of a bad-tempered, blonde, metallic whirlwind that crashed into East Headquarters every now and then, flinging curses everywhichway and making various threats on the Colonel's life before smacking a badly-written report on the desk and storming back out, leaving total destruction in his wake.

However, today Colonel Roy Mustang noted a slightly softer slam than usual as the fifteen-year-old kicked the door open. Normally he almost blew it off its hinges (and twice he actually did), but this time the slam was not of one who was ready to murder his superior officer; this was the slam of one who was merely annoyed. And that was plenty cause for suspicion. Roy glanced up from his paperwork. The teenager looked exactly the same as he usually did: black outfit, black boots, white gloves, red coats, blonde braid. Yes, his clothes were completely typical—It was the boy's expression that threw him.

Edward looked—well, not calm, but not like he was imagining Roy's severed head rolling across the floor. He fixed the colonel with a steady, almost curious gaze that made him slightly nervous. There was a touch of annoyance there, but nowhere near his usual fury.

"Fullmetal?"

Ed put both hands on Roy's desk, leaning in so they were at the same eye level. "I need to ask you a question," he said, his voice more serious than the Colonel had ever heard it.

Roy waited.

"How do you ask someone out on a date?"

Roy Mustang blinked. And then he blinked again, surprised. "You've never asked a girl out?"

Ed rolled his eyes. "Obviously not."

"So why do you need to now?"

"None of your flippin' beeswax," the teenager snapped. Roy relaxed a bit—that was more the Fullmetal he knew.

"And—why are you asking me?" the Colonel asked.

"Well…" Ed straightened up, scratching his head with a vaguely irritated expression. "You seem to be the expert on women here. Trust me, I wouldn't ask you if I could go to anyone else—but Breda, Fuery, and Falman were all useless, and Havoc was…well…"

They both turned to look at said officer, who was curled up in a corner looking traumatized after his confession to Ed that he'd never had a successful date.

"Havoc," Ed and Roy sighed in unison.

"Anyway, you're the only one here who knows the first thing about girls," said Ed, redirecting his gaze to the Colonel. "So I'm asking you."

Roy Mustang thought for a moment. "I don't know, you just ask the girl out. It's not very complicated."

"Wait." It was Ed's turn to look surprised. "You don't get down on one knee and give them a ring?"

"No, that's when you propose marriage."

"And you don't take off their shoe with your teeth and have them spit into it?"

Roy gave him a strange look. "I believe that's a Jewish custom done to divorce a late brother's wife when the man has no arms."

"I see."

There was a short pause.

"So you just ask them out of nowhere?" Ed asked, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"Well, generally it's better to do it in context, but that's the basic idea."

The Fullmetal Alchemist frowned. "I get it. Thanks."

Roy smiled to himself and took a well-earned sip of coffee, proud of himself for giving the boy such a vital piece of information.

Meanwhile, Lieutenant Hawkeye—who was less than impressed—dumped a pile of paperwork on his desk with a short, "These are due tomorrow, sir."

Ed looked up suddenly. "Hey, Lieutenant Hawkeye, do you want to go out with me?"

Roy choked on his coffee.

Riza looked at the teenager. "Why? Do you have a crush on me?"

The Colonel was close to requiring the heimlich maneuver. How is it that two people in the world could be so blunt?!

His various choking noises went disregarded. "No, no, of course not," Ed said quickly, blushing. "Not that you're unattractive—" he added awkwardly.

Riza smiled in a no-offense-taken sort of way. "So why are you asking me out?"

"Well, it's a long story…"

"You'd tell her but not me?" Roy cried in outrage, although he was privately relieved that the conversation seemed to be leading to a rejection of the teenager's offer.

Edward ignored him. "Al finally got the nerve to ask Winry out—I had to intervene a little, actually—and he was getting all worried about me…He seems to think I need a babysitter everywhere I go. Anyway, he was so sure that I would get myself in trouble that he was going to cancel the date—so I told him I would get a date for the same time. Wanna go out with me?"

"Okay."

There was the sound of teeth going through the edge of a porcelain coffee mug, and Roy scrambled frantically for a weekly schedule. "Oh, look at that!" he cried, much louder than he had to. Ed and Riza sent similar exasperated looks his way, but he plowed stoically onward. "It seems that we have a conference at that exact time! Too bad," he laughed, juuust a little bit hysterical.

"I haven't even told her what time it is yet," Ed said, staring flatly at the Colonel.

"I don't care! She's busy, whenever the time is. If there isn't a conference, I'll make one!"

The two alchemists glared at each other until finally the younger one folded his arms, annoyed. "Fine, then who am I supposed to go out with? Al will have my head if I lie to him."

"Yes, who is he supposed to go out with, sir?" Riza agreed.

Roy was about to have another fit when the door opened and Sheska appeared with a stack of copied books.

She peered around the pile timidly. "I was supposed to put these in the storage closet—"

"Sheska!" Ed nearly shouted, making everyone in the general vicinity jump.

"Yes?" she squeaked, almost dropping the books.

"You're available," he grinned, looking immensely pleased with himself.

Was she supposed to take offense with that? "Y-yes…yes, I am…"

"Will you go out with me?"

This time she really did drop the books. "W-what? Me? Why?"

"Because I like you," Ed said simply, oblivious to the girl's sudden blush. "Is that a yes?"

"I—I mean, well…just…I guess so, but—"

"Great! I'll pick you up at two tomorrow."

He was nearly out the door by the time she managed to regain herself enough to stammer, "B-but—but what should I wear?"

He poked his head around the door again. "I don't know, whatever you're wearing now. See ya!"

And he left laughing triumphantly, leaving a room full of people staring after him in dumbstruck horror.