Why am i still writing Twilight shiz-nit?

Because I am pathetic, plain and simple. Oh, and the fact my love for blackwater cannot be destroyed by my hatred of other Twilight-type things/people (let's bite our lip a little more, shall we?).

Anyways! I still need to finish my little Hermione/Ron ficlet thing-y, but I liked writing that sort of "missing moments" stuff so much that I decided to concoct one for Jake/Leah. It's just a collection of one-shots, a few scenarios throughout the years that I think would have been far more interesting to read about than some blond mutant who just happens to age in a way that is particularly convenient for everyone to have a happy ending... Bitter? Nah, just super lame and spending way too much time writing this stuff when I should be doing a thousand more productive things.

But alas, I digress. This is purely for fun, no infringement intended, and so on and so forth.

Enjoy!

"Jacob Black, have you ever kissed a girl?"

Jake froze on the spot, one hand literally caught inside the cookie jar…or hidden inside the Clearwater refrigerator. He all but quivered at the sight of the girl before him, she terrified him so immensely. Mentally he cursed himself, using words that would make that big vein in Dad's neck swell up and pop out if he got caught using them. He shouldn't have been here at all, his father had told him five deviled eggs was quite enough… but he had just wanted one more! Now, with his fingers gripping the cursed egg's slippery surface, he regretted his greed with his whole heart. Quickly, frantically, he weighed his options.

The way he saw it, there were two ways to get out of this. He could, A) drop the egg like a hot potato and run…but she would most likely just tell his Dad he had been sneaking seconds (or more like sixths). Girls were like that about tattling, they seemed to really like telling on people and getting them in trouble. Well, at least his sisters did. He figured that getting him in trouble was probably their favorite thing to do, ever.

Or, B) he could stay very, very still and quiet and hope she would get bored and leave him to eat in peace. This had never worked before, but he had watched Jurassic Park last week and from his experience girls were pretty much the same as T-Rex's. Except a whole lot less cool.

While he was formulating his plan, the girl put her hands on her hips and tapped her bare foot against the kitchen's linoleum floor. Neither of his options were looking too good right now, and neither was the deviled egg. This must be God's way of punishing him for disobeying his Dad. He had done something he wasn't supposed to and now the devil had been sent to him in the form of a dinosaur named Leah Clearwater. From the stories Seth told, the two were one and the same.

He swallowed, hard, and glanced from the tray of eggs to Seth's big sister. Mrs. Sue might only make her specialty once a year for the big Superbowl party, but he would rather take back every one he had eaten if it meant he would have avoided having to endure Leah's wrath.

Same as most girls, he tried his best to stay away from her (cooties…ew!), but it didn't always work. Like this one time, when she found Embry and him putting fake dog poop on her window sill, and she went all crazy. She started screaming at them and using a whole bunch of bad words he had never even heard and chased them all the way into the woods behind her house. She even shot him in the butt with Seth's nerf gun while they were running away! It hurt really bad, and she hadn't hit Embry at all. But the worst part of it all was that she hadn't given the poop back, and he had spent a month's allowance on it. It wasn't like she was going to use or anything. He asked Seth to get it back for him, but he was just a baby and couldn't do anything right. Nervously recalling the soreness in his rear that night, Jake glanced down at Leah, but thankfully her hands were empty. He wouldn't put it past her to throw the fruit from the basket on the counter at him though.

"I asked you a question, Jacob, now you better answer me." She was advancing upon him way too quickly, and he let go of the egg. He took a step back, and was just about to make a break for it when something stopped him.

Like literally, stopped him. It's hard to run away from a bossy-pants ten year old when she has just shut your hand in the refrigerator door. Slammed it, really.

"Ouch! Owwwwwwwwwww!" He squealed, jumping from one foot to another while wincing in pain. That was it, there was no doubt in his mind, girls weren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Girls were made of dinosaur guts and devil juice. Why in the world anybody would want to kiss one was beyond him.

"You scream like a little girl!" She said with a laugh, letting go of the door and releasing his chilly fingers. He instantly drew the aching digits into his mouth.

"No I don't!" He said indignantly, mumbling a bit with his mouth full. "Girls are gross and smelly and mean and I'm never gonna kiss one. Never, ever, ever."

"Oh really?" Leah replied, quirking a dark eyebrow up. "I wouldn't be too sure of that."

"Well I am. And I don't care what you say, 'cause your just a dumb gi-"

Leah's lips were upon his before he could get the word out of his mouth. In the blink of an eye she had kissed him, their lips touching for the scarcest of heartbeats before she pulled away.

She burst into giggles then, covering her mouth with her hands and laughing hysterically. More laughter joined hers, and these chuckles were nauseatingly familiar ones at that. Shaking himself out of his startled confusion, he looked beyond her to find both of his sisters doubled over in the kitchen doorway.

"Oh my gosh Lee, I can't believe you actually did it!" Rebecca choked out, clutching at her stomach while she wheezed for breath.

"Yeah, you actually kissed a seven year old! Eww!" Rachel joined in, leaning on her sister heavily for support while she barely controlled her joy at her little brother's humiliation.

Leah dashed over to the older girls without a second glance back at the boy over her shoulder, "I know! I mean, super-double eww!I can't believe you guys dared me to, that was soooo gross!"

"Jakey kissed a girl, Jakey kissed a girl! Jake and Leah, sitting in a tree, K-I…"

Linking arms, the three girls ran off singing down the hall. Jake tried to yell an intimidating 'shut up!' after then, but it had little effect except maybe to increase their volume. His lips tasted faintly cheesy, like Doritos, and he swiped at them with the back of his hand. He hadn't eaten nacho Doritos all day, he was strictly a cool ranch kind of guy. Girls couldn't do anything right, not even picking out chips! Furrowing his brow, he turned his attention once more to the fridge before him. Filling both hands with as many eggs as he would hold, Jacob set off on a determined path towards Leah's bedroom. He was going to get that dog poop back.

That day Leah gave him his first kiss, and he gave her the gift that keeps on giving…deviled eggs hidden in her underwear drawer.

Short, but that's what I love about one-shots!

As always, reviews are a ridiculously addictive happy-maker...