Yes, I've succumbed to the wonderful works of Ryukishi07; Umineko has especially gotten a rather special place in my heart with its wonderfully fucked up and complex cast of characters. I do not own them, but man if I don't love writing them. And this is my take on what Battler should have done at the start of EP4... with a cracktastic twist that's going so AU it's insane.

Battler realizes something somewhere down the line in the intervals while they waited for the fourth game board to set itself up. It took a lot, to be completely honest, and he wasn't sure this was going to work. But hey, if the sneaky witch wanted to play games, he'd send an absolutely unbeatable move right back at that woman!

"Oi! Beato, where're you hiding now?" He called out, the whole domain of Purgatorio isn't anything horrendously special, just obnoxiously and unnecessarily huge. Kinda like the Ushiromiya mansion and guest house. No answer. She had to be sulking somewhere after his remarkable attack the last game. Seriously, where was that damn witch when he actually wanted to see her?

A cloud of golden butterflies appears in front of him and, for a moment, he felt his heart race in anticipation. This is going to be my best move yet; let's see if that Beato can beat this one! He thought, squaring his shoulders and preparing to lambast that obnoxious woman with something that'd wipe that knowing look off her face forever. "Milady is currently lost in thought in that room down the hall, shall I retrieve her for you?" Ronove asked, the butterflies disappearing to reveal the tall butler's form as he bowed. Demon though he was, Battler kinda liked him. He was worse than Beato though, sneakier too, even for a guy supposedly on her side.

The red head's face fell a little. Dammit, what was with that already?! Sheesh! And here he'd gotten himself all psyched and ready to lay the smackdown on her and bring her back down to earth from that weird little pedestal she had herself up on! "Nah, that's cool. I'll go surprise her myself." Battler said with a scowl, rubbing the back of his neck. "Besides," He added with a grin that Ronove understood all too well. "In her own words, it'll be more interesting if I do it this way."

His hand was up to his mouth, shoulders shaking as he chuckled quietly to himself, watching the arrogant form of his mistress' enemy saunter down the hall. He didn't mind at all, especially because he was sure this would prove to be quite entertaining in more ways than one. I should prepare some refreshments for later, they made need them after this. Such a thought had the demon butler chuckling to himself all the more.

True to the often fickle demon's word, Battler found his nemesis- and the bane of his existence- reclined in one of those fancy couches with her chin resting on her arm. Her sharp, aquamarine blue eyes unfocused and her brow furrowed in concentration as she stared at something on the wall in heavy thought. Leaning against the door frame with his arms folded over his chest, the arrogant teenage decided to watch her for a little while... and counted three minutes that she didn't blink.

Man, Ronove wasn't kiddin' when he said she was lost in thought. Who doesn't blink after almost five minutes? Finally done with watching her, Battler intentionally interrupted her thought with a loud yawn and stretch. "Huh, who would have thought a witch named Beato'd be sitting there all lost in thought like some lovestruck schoolgirl." Her reaction was pretty funny, who'd have thought she could move so fast in that heavy dress?

Red tinged Beatrice's cheeks as she immediately rose to a standing position, fists at her side as her eyes flashed fire. "Hmph, who was staring off like a lovestruck schoolgirl?" She demanded arrogantly, a haughty expression appearing on her face as she summoned her pipe in agitation. There were so many way she was thinking of killing him right now, how dare he interrupt her while she was in the middle of perfecting an unbeatable strategy!

...not that it'd had anything to do with that novel her teacher had lent to her, or the fact that Ronove seemed to find it most amusing that she asked him several questions about a few select scenes in said novel.

'Why not try experimenting with Battler-sama? I'm sure he could answer your questions much better than a simple demon such as myself would ever be able to.'

When Battler didn't move or say anything, she felt her annoyance grow to a rather disturbingly dangerous point. Great, just great. Now her mood was going to be ruined too! And she'd just about figured out how to approach that stupid human about that book. "Well? Did you come to tell me you've given up and believe in witches now?" She sneered at him, a rather unladylike giggle- her mentor would scold her severely if she overheard it- slipping out. "I'll even change into a brand new pair of shoes for you to kiss, isn't that generous of me?" Another laugh followed that statement.

"Hell no," Battler retorted, shaking his head with a smirk. "I'll prove to you that witches don't exist one of these days." His hands shoved themselves into the pocket of his white slacks, a seemingly innocent expression on his face that both intrigued Beatrice... and had her wary all at the same time. He studied the room a little more- specifically the wall she'd been staring at. Nope, no secret code or message there.

Another sudden smirk as Battler's shoulder suddenly squared and he was in his battle stance, feet shoulder length apart and planted firmly on the ground as he pointed directly at the off guard golden witch in front of him. "Repeat it in red! 'Beatrice was only tricking Ushiromiya Battler in the third game.'" I've got you now. I was so upset about it before, I didn't even think about how long it took you to answer! Azure eyes narrowed, piercing the woman in front of him in place. Sure, it could be a trick, really had little chance of being anything other than a really good one. But something, something about the way she'd reacted, about the way her eyes had slid to one side, away from him and her jaw had clenched before she'd broken into that maddening laughter had been bothering him ever since.

People who were so sure of their trickery... they didn't do things like that, right?

How did he find out? Ronove? No, he wouldn't even go that far. And teacher was the one who told me about the strategy to begin with... she wouldn't have done it. Beatrice's eyes narrowed, a mix of emotions crossing her face before she decided to laugh at him again. "What's this?" She asked mockingly, sneering down at him as if he were some insignificant insect to be crushed beneath the heel of her shoe. "Didn't we already go through this, Battler? I already told you; the North Wind and Sun strategy was perfect!" And she lapsed into her trademark laugh once again.

But he wasn't dissuaded, oh no, his arm dropped and he began walking towards her. A decidedly unexpected development on Beatrice's end as her laughter abruptly stopped and a rather apprehensive expression slipped on to her face. "Yeah, you said it," Battler replied easily, an intense, searching expression on his own as his eyes wandered over her face. He stopped when she started backing away, eyes narrowing and softening ever so slightly at the anxiety trying to hide itself in her eyes. "But I wanna hear it in red.

He wasn't kidding either, Beatrice realized, feeling herself pale a little and her blood heat a bit. Since when had he gotten permission to look so cool all of a sudden?! This was stupid and impossible! A game she hadn't even foreseen, not that she didn't find the development interesting or anything like that but... but still! This wasn't something that was supposed to happen! He was supposed to be devastated, clutching his knees and crying the entire time until they were ready to begin the new game! Stupid Battler! You're ruining all of my hard work. "F-Fine, I'll answer in red on one condition! Is that acceptable?" She challenged him, daring him to man up and actually do as she said, knowing he'd lose and she'd never have to respond as a result.

Battler's eyes flashed, and her heart raced, she loved it when his eyes did that, the determination in them holding all sorts of interesting and exciting possibilities. "You're on! What's the condition?" He retorted. This was so his win, that little witch wasn't going to be able to escape that easily this time!

Game, set and match, Beatrice crowed in victory to herself, a devilish smile lighting across her features as she summoned forth a... distinctly plain looking book and offered it to him with that victorious glint in her eyes that spelled nothing but trouble. "Here."

"...you want me to read a book. That's your condition?" There was more than a bit of disbelief in his voice and on his handsome face. Oh how she loved that expression, Beatrice thought with delight... and immediately snapped herself back to focus. No time to admire him for the moment, victory was within her grasp!

"As if I would make it so easy for the likes of you," She sniffed, looking rather insulted with how he'd completely underestimated her. "There are a series of questions in the book. You'll answer them one by one; that is my condition!" A grin slipped on to her face. "It'll be just like a school project, a book report! Only if you fail, the consequences will be worse than a failing grade," Beatrice broke into another cackling laugh, delighted with herself for coming up with such an amusing and simple trap with so many strings on which surely Battler would hang himself with!

"Worse than a failing grade huh," He muttered to himself, rubbing his chin in thought for a moment before a grin suddenly took hold of his face, determination set in yet another game- this one private and known to none except himself and the sneaky witch in front of him- that was about to unfold. "You're on! Just you wait, Beato; I'll have you crying in defeat in no time!" His hand snatched the book away and he marched out of the room as arrogantly as before, figuring he could read a book like this in no time flat and still have time to get in a good nap.

Beatrice's giggling followed him out the door and down into the halls; she had totally won this one and she hadn't even had to do all that much. "Just you wait, Ushiromiya Battler," She exclaimed between giggles. "Wait until you see what awaits you, and then I will have you on your knees begging for forgiveness!" The young woman threw back her head and laughed loudly, fully and with everything she had in her.

For there was no way a man like Battler could stand against the might of a romance novel.