Chapter 6 - Step 5

So today I found out two things.

1. I am haemtophobia. (on top of being Melissophobic (not ursaphobic, go figure))

2. Elizaveta is a fan of something called "Boy's Love" and Francis says I should talk to Kiku about it… I don't know if I want to.

Currently:

where: still in the kitchen

when: 16:10

listening: Ludwig slurping his soup like a baboon. Too bad dad isn't here, this would be a good time to get Ludwig back for being a fucking cockblock.

watching: BBC news (I don't know why, anything's better than watching Luddy.)

Where were we? Oh yeah

OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK

So Elizaveta is DYING on the ground and I can't even go an save her. Why? She's bleeding. That's so… gross! All her red and kjhdskfhf it's fucking everywhere and Antonio has his hand up Francis' shirt and is feeling him up and Francis has his hands IN ANTONIO'S HAIR, like, TUGGING IT.

Meanwhile, I'm fucking collapsed against a mirror sick to my stomach form the blood and the fact that my two best friends are MAKING OUT WITH EACH OTHER.

And then the fucking cherry on top of the sundae of my defeat. Francis turns to me, looks me up and now, licks him lips, pants and says:

Hey Gil, wanna join?

NO.

NO.

NO.

I don't want to join your gay shnanigans! I'm not a gay! DAFFYD IS GAY. ALBUS IS GAY. HELL, KURT IS GAY.

GILBERT?

NO.

GILBERT LIKES WOMEN.

A WOMAN IN PARTICULAR HE LIKES IS CURRENTLY DYING ON THE FLOOR BECAUSE A CERTAIN GAY BEST FRIEND COULDN'T KEEP HIS HANDS TO HIMSELF!

Of course I couldn't even say any of thing because I felt like I going to puke.

And then game the fucking chocolate syrup on top.

DiaLog - April 25th, 16:14 - This Year

Me: (gurgles again mirror)

Liz: (dying on floor)

Francis: (laughing and grabbing Antonio's bum)

Antonio: (copping a feel of Franny's chest (what is there even to grab?!) and shoving his tongue into Franny's mouth)

Roderich: (walks around corner) What in God's… (looks at me, then Liz) Elizaveta? Elizaveta! (FALLS TO HIS KNEES LIKE TRAGIC HERO, SHAKING HER) Liz? Dear, wake up. And will you two stop that!?

Antonio + Francis: (stop, but Francis still feels Antonio's ass until Roderich's glare makes him keep his hands to himself) Sorry Roderich… I could not resist this little piece of Spanish ass.

Me: (falls unconscious)

-End DiaLog-

Then I wake up. I'm outside the haunted house and Antonio is standing over me and staring at me like the freak he is. I try to scramble up but Francis' hand pushes on my forehead, pushing me back into his lap.

So I find out my friends are gay, pass out because of it, and they think the best thing to do is have me lay in Francis' lap?

Way to be guys.

After a few minutes of fighting myself off of Francis' lap I stand up, panting.

DiaLog - April 25th, 16:45 - This Year

Me: Antonio, sit down right fucking now, we're having a talk. Where's Liz?

Tony: She's at the hospital, Rod rode with her.

Me: -incomprehensible scream of rage-

Francis (wraps an arm around Tony as he sits down): I do not see why you are so-

Me: Why I'm so fucking upset!? I hate you both.

Tony: (bows his head, at least looking a little guilty)

Franny: It is no our fault you cannot stand zee sight of blood.

Me: That's not the point! You've ruined every chance I'll ever have with Liz! She's probably off falling in love with Roderich right now.

Tony (how come when he frowns he looks exactly like a puppy?): What makes you say that? She's practically unconscious from blood loss. Not exactly up for falling in love.

Me (resisting the urge to smack him): Haven't you seen a soap opera? The minute there's a hospital, the victim is almost always guaranteed to fall in love with whoever saved them or was in the ambulance.

Franny: Don't you think you are over-

Me: I am not overreacting! This is the only chance I had with Elizaveta and you ruined it because you couldn't keep your goddamn hands to yourself! And now I'm going to die an old, lonely, sad man!

(Then I turn my back and are basically tackled to the ground by Antonio hugging me)

Tony: I sorry Gilbo! (oh God he's wailing like he's skinned his knee. The big baby) I didn't mean to! If it's any consolation, I'll die old and lonely with you so we won't be lonely!

Franny (joining in the group hug): Oui. I will also join you.

(I'm feeling a little better, but… this is all just ruined by, big shocker, Francis)

Franny: After all les ménage à trios are better than just two.

-End DiaLog-

And now here we are… At house, mourning the fact that my life sucks. I have no girlfriend, am questioning every night I have ever spent over at Francis' or Antonio's house for a sleepover and am considering stealing some of Ludwig's ramen because mine is all gone.

DiaLog - April 25th, 16:36 - This Year

Me: Lud, gimmie some of that.

Lud: No Gilbert. I just made you some.

Me: But I want more.

Lud: Make it yourself then.

Me: Can't you have a little sympathy for your older bro? c'mon Lud, gimmie some!

Lud: No. I have no sympathy for you.

Me: Some little brother you are…You're making this harder than it already is.

Lud: That's what she said.

Me: What?

-End DiaLog-

Before he can explain what the hell he's talking about, there's a knock at the door. Being the poor hard-done by and pathetic older brother I am, I make Ludwig answer it. So I'm curled up at the kitchen table, a blanket from my aunt wrapped around me and who does Ludwig bring back in?

DiaLog - April 25th, 16:42 - This Year

Franny: We have a plan.

Tony: Y-Yeah! We want to make it up to you Gilly

Me: Will you stop trying so hard? I am going to die alone.

Ludwig (sitting down again, reading the newspaper): That's what she said.

Antonio: B-But Gilly… it's a great plan! You have to come!

Ludwig: That's what she said.

Me: Lud, shut up, these two are just about to get off anyway.

Ludwig: That's what she said.

Me: Ludwig! What the hell, that doesn't make any sense; there are no girls here! She didn't say anything!

Ludwig (gets up from table, leaving): That's what he said. (and then he slips off. I don't get him, he's so weird sometimes)

Silence.

Silence.

Maybe they'll leave if I keep glaring at them.

Me: -glares-

Franny: We want to get you back with Elizavetha, but if you do not want our 'elp, we will leave. Come on Antonio, we are not wanted 'ere.

Me: Wait… You can get me back with Liz?

Franny: -flipping his hair over his shoulder- Please Gil. I can get you with any girl you want, let me tell you ze plan.

-End DiaLog-

Don't worry you guys. Elizaveta may be dating Roderich again, but I've come up with a brilliant plan!

The Most Incredible, Awesome, Kick-Ass, Foolproof Date Plan Ever

(v.2)

By Gilbert Beilschmidt

Step 1: Ask Elizaveta out.

Sample situation:

Gilbert (me): Hey Elizaveta.

Elizaveta (her): Gil, hey, I've totally gotten over all the anger I had for you and am now willing to be your friend.

Me: Oh, that's good to hear. So, you wanna try a date again?

Her: Well, I am half-dating Roderich again, but secretly I'm still head-over-heels for you… Okay, sure.

Step 2: Pick romantic-yet casual place for date.

NOT THE AMUSEMENT PARK, THAT'S FOR SURE.

Step 3: Accidentally run into Antonio and Francis.

Me: Hey! Look over there, it's Francis and Antonio! Why don't we go over and see them?

Her: That'd be amazing!

Franny: Oh, Gilbert, Elizaveta. How nice to see you here!

Tony: Indeed, what a crazy random happenstance! Francis and I were just about to go somewhere dark, maybe a movie, would you like to join us?

Me: I don't know, what do you think Elizaveta?

And she'll say yes obvious because dark place + two boys that are into each other = makeout session.

Step 4: Lure her along with promise of "Boy's Love" (still don't know what that is; have vague idea though)

Step 5: Convince her to go on more double dates with Tony and Franny.

Step 6: Get laid.

Hopefully not by Franny or Tony…