So this is my very first shorfic. I'm really excited about it but I'm also nervous because they are hard for me.... Thanks to my favoirte fan/bestie Demi-Fan-Channy for the loving support. Anyway, I just bought Ke$ha's album and I love every single song! The song that caught me the most for some odd reason was "Dancing With Tears In My Eyes". I truly love this song and it's very heartbreaking but it's beautiful. So here we go.........
here we go
welcome to my funeral
without you
i don't even have a pulse
all alone its dark and cold
with every move i die
here i go
this is my confession
no, a lost cause
nobody can save my soul
i am so delusional
with every move i die
i have destroyed my life
its gone
pay back is sick
its all my fault
It had been almost three weeks since Chad had broken up with me. I saw it coming but I just didn't think he would really go through with it and for so long. I cant say I blame him since I helped him leave. As much as it pains me to say this but it was my fault not his. He was not the typical "Hollywood Heart Throb Player" he was made out to be. He never cheated on me and he never put anything before me. I let everything fall apart and he fought with all his will to not let it crumble. My issues were mine all mine and he had nothing to do with them. My heart broke in two because of me. I broke my heart not Chad Dylan Cooper. My trust was not strong enough for this relationship. The outside words always got my trust over his. I let myself drown in the heart of Hollywood, tasting the rush of liquor, drugs, and parties. My lies and addictions were only the beginning.
im dancing with tears in my eyes
just fighting to get through the night
im losing it
losing it
losing it
with every move i die
im fading
im broken inside
ive wasted the love from my life
im losing it
losing it
losing it
with every move i die
Now…… I come home to an empty, messy and lifeless two story apartment, that we shared together. The sheets we slept in hadn't been washed since he left. I zone out into the darkness of a room without a sound. My phone cord is sliced by my own hands. I cry every night in my pillow. I don't even have to hurt myself because I'm already hurt. I'm in pain and I'm breathless at times.
when did i
become such a hypocrite
double life
lies that you caught me in
trust me im paying for it
with every move i die
on the floor
im just a zombie
who i am
is not who i wanna be
im such a tragedy
with every move i die
Every time I go home after seeing him sometimes during the day at work, I sit on the cold bathroom floor numb feeling my chest close; at times I feel like I'm about to die. I find myself taking long baths till the water is ice cold with a bottle of Jack in my hand. There has been times I had fallen asleep in the tub full of water, wearing the short cream silk night slip Chad had given to me. I cant even remember all the times Lucy and Tawnie had found me almost frozen to death. There were moments that I had wished they didn't find me. I wish I had the nerve to let the water run all night, while I lay back watching the water fill over the top, hitting the marble tile floor, that we had once made love on. I put my comfort and effort into medication and my new best friend Jack. You may not think so, but he does help me through the night, when I have no strength to go on. I can feel myself slowly slipping away each morning I wake up.
i have destroyed my love
its gone
pay back is sick
its all my fault
I think of when I will ever be myself again. The quiet, smell of his cologne on our pillows, it's all torture. I'm dancing with tears in my eyes and I wish I could tell him how I feel. What I go through every night when I'm alone. How dangerous the emptiness is to my heartbeat. I wonder around at work and I wear his favorite white buttoned up shirt almost everyday. I know everyone is worried about me. The had warned me about him but it was always the other way around. I'm not sure how much they are concerned or hating me. Marshal has opted me taking vacations. I cant do that. I need air, I need something away from the darkness. Tawnie thinks I need to get out and let go but it's so hard when I carry the weight of regret, remorse, and suicide on my shoulders. I cant be alone, as much as I want to. I'm desperate for someone to grab my hand and not let me go. To not just watch me crawl and scrape for solid ground. I love being alone. I would love to just let go but I cant. I'm too scared. I don't know what to do.
im dancing with tears in my eyes
just fighting to get through the night
im losing it.
losing it
losing it
with every move i die
im fading
im broken inside
ive wasted the love from my life
im losing it
losing it
losing it
with every move i die
"Sonny" I hear a voice but don't take anytime to listen to who ever it is.
"Sonny, Lucy and your mom are worried." I stare past her into the mirror in front of me and I take in the flaws of my skin, my mouth, my eyes, my nose. Everything.
"So is Chad." Chad.
"We all are." What did he ever see in me? I'm a lost cause, my mind is gone and my beauty was always a lie. He was too beautiful and kind to be with a drunken druggie like myself. He wasn't even human….he couldn't have been-- he was so perfect in every way. Like some flawless cut ice. He was more then a person-- he was an angel.
"Sonny, please talk to me." and I was the temptation that could burn him with one touch.
"Sonny, are you even listening to me!" I felt hands take my shoulders and shake me. "You're scaring me-- Sonny?" I looked at her with empty lifeless eyes, realizing who was talking to me the whole time. I saw the glossy blue-green eyes and shiny blond hair that rang around her face. She tried searching mine but couldn't find any life in them. I was hollow and I can't complain. I was this way for my own stupidity. I drove the one person I unconditionally loved, far away and I hurt myself in the process; emotionally, mentally, and physically. Tawnie embraced me with a hug. I could feel the pressure and it hurt me. I already couldn't breath, her body on mine was suffocating. I kept my hands in my lap and looked back at myself in the mirror. She finally gave up and left unsurely.
woah oh
This is it
and now youre really gone
this time
oh oh
I came to terms with things one night and how much of a waste I am. My senses are numb. My heart is broken. My name is forgotten. My life is done.
never once thought
id be in pieces left behind
I let my hair fall down, layering itself upon my skin on my back. I notice how my eyes look tired and my face is pale and skin is dull. I reach over the sink to the cabinet and open it. I look thoughtfully at what I want. I take the razor sharp blade that's on the top shelf peeking behind a bottle of sleeping pills. My cabinet is flooded with all kinds of medication for sleeping, nerves and antidepressants. I remember when it just had cough syrup, and shaving cream and hair products.
im dancing with tears in my eyes
just fighting to get through the night
im losing it
losing it
losing it
with every move I die
I hear the water running. The tub fills higher and higher, while I take my clothes off. I drop everything and take only myself with me as I step in the hot water. The touch melts my sins and I feel more venerable at what I'm doing. I kneel down to sit holding onto the rim of the tub on either side of me. My knees are towards my chest and I take a breath as I let them stretch out and I lean back. My heart is invisible. I couldn't tell you if it was racing or slowing down. I couldn't feel anything. I bring the razor to my right wrist and I close my eyes as I dig it into my skin. I hold back a moan and I smile to the heavens above, that I prey will accept me.
im fading
im broken
ive wasted the love from my life
im losing it
losing it
losing it
with every move I die
I look at the cut, blood running down my forearm and swirling in the water, drip by drip. I notice how deep it is, when it didn't feel like I had gone that far in. My breath shortens and I let myself slip under the blanket of red water.
1 hour ago.
C.P.V.
I sit there in my chair listening to my co-workers talk about the girls they met at the gallery last night. I laughed when they laughed when deep down I wanted to cry. Yeah I said cry. Chad Dylan Cooper is still human and I'm miserable. I just-- I don't let anyone know that. I fear the worse everyday. I see Sonny and I see how much pain I left her in. I see her beauty shine through her lifeless eyes and skin. I see her when no one else can. She's still my lady. She always will be.
"C man you better come with us tonight."
"Naw." I flipped through my script looking for something I might have missed and haven't memorized.
"Come on bro, you need to meet someone new." I look at Devon with harsh eyes.
"Dev, just back off. He will meet and greet when he's ready. Just chill." Thank you. Save me from tearing into Devon. Not that it makes me happy. I would love to rip him apart. That's when I saw her run in. She looked scared as if she was running out of time. My heart started to race so damn quick I thought it was going to burst through my chest. I got up to go to her, when she noticed me and ran towards me.
"Chad!" Tawnie screamed. "Something's happened!"
"Calm down!" I put my hands on her shoulders, "what's happened?" I demanded in a soft voice. She fought back tears.
"Sonny." My stomach flipped. I felt like I was going to throw up. Oh no. No. Please no. I shook my head at her.
"The house phone is out of order and her cell is turned off." she panicked. Devon moved towards us and everyone in the set stopped to listen to her.
"I don't know what to do!" she was desperate, "You should have seen her today-- she looked so, so-- dead." she started to cry, "I think she's giving up Chad."
"When did she leave?" I asked fiercely.
"About 30 minutes ago." I took of as soon as she got to minutes. I ran down the stairs that led to the parking garage. I had to have enough time. I had to get there before she did anything. Shit!
I raced out of the studios and I got on the 101 freeway. It was dark and I was nearing our condo. I hadn't been there for almost a month. I feared what I was coming home to. My palms were sweaty and my heart was pounding. I was ready to take out anything and everyone to get her as soon as possible.
I pulled into the lot and didn't even close my door. I just ran to our door. It was unlocked, and it was dark as I entered.
"Sonny!" I called out, flicking the switch on. As the place lightened up, I took in the harsh surroundings. It was a mess. Noticing the whiskey bottles and cigarette buds everywhere. I ran up stairs immediately to the bedroom to find nothing, but water seeping out from under the bathroom door. Damit! Shit, no!
"Sonny!" I slammed the door open to find her laying at the bottom of the tub lifeless. I saw blood all over her hand and wrist. I rushed to her, slipping in the process, slamming my kneecap into the side of the tub. I dove in pulling her out. Her body was limp and cold. I pulled my cell out and called 911 and demanded an ambulance.
Tossing my phone behind me, I laid Sonny down on her back and started to do C.P.R. I stung as my lips touched her cold purple-blue lips. I started crying and I forced her to wake up.
"Come on" I grunted, "Come on! Sonny, don't leave me." I yelled. Waiting for some kind of response, to receive nothing. I started crying as I dropped my head in the nap of her neck, wrapping my arms underneath her. "I need you so much. Sonny, you thought I stopped loving you but I never did. I cant." I sobbed on her quietly. "I love you Sonshine."
My body was ice cold and drained. I had the taste of blood in my mouth from the water. I saw a white light and I felt to cold and weak to move. I laid there as I watched it pull away from me. Goodbye is all I could think of. I was going to hell and I was to burn for all the sins I had engaged in doing. I felt warmth on my mouth, knowing it was the last of my breath. I was leaving. I heard him say I love you, welcoming me to the darkness for eternity. I was scared and ashamed. I was alone. "I love you" it was calling me but it wasn't the dark. It was something else.
I coughed up water spitting it out. I was choking on all the dead water that was filling my throat. I opened my eyes to see sharp pained blue beautiful eyes. Like the clear sky I use to enjoy waking up to in the morning.
"Sonny?" A beautiful voice asked me. It was heaven talking to me. I was dead wasn't I? I batted my eyes a bit more trying to see past my soaked eyelashes and the blur from the water. It was my love.
"Chad?" I asked uncertain.
"Oh God. Sonny. I was so worried I lost you." he pulled me up to his warm body that was trembling. I took in his warmth and love and care. I wrapped my arms around his neck tightly and I rubbed my head in the cock of his neck. I closed my eyes as I felt the tears fall, flooding my cheeks. I smiled and gripped onto the collar of his jacket and shirt.
"It's okay." his voice was soft and caring. " Everything is going to be okay--We're okay." I heard the ambulance sirens as they pulled up in front of our home.
"Chad--" my voice was cracked and weak, "I'm so sor-" he put his finger to my lips,
"Shh, time for talking's over." he smiled at me and pulled me into a deep sensual kiss. I melted and screamed of joy deep down knowing everything was going to change…… For the better.
I was truly dancing with tears in my eyes… Finally.
Please REVIEW and let me know what your thoughts are. I hope you liked it. Sorry it was so sad ahaha. Ive been itching for a sad story with an amazing miracle to to guide us to a happy ending :)
DMLVT6963