Chapter 17

Standing next to the fireplace, Sonny cupped his glass with both hands and placed it gingerly on a side table. He shook out his shoulders and unclenched his fists. His voice, however, retained the coldness as he turned back to Brenda. "This is what you want, Brenda? To sleep with a father and son and then compare the two to their faces? You used to have more class than that."

Brenda immediately turned away from the window and faced Sonny directly. A flame rose up in her eyes and she slammed her water bottle onto the bar. "Class? You're talking to me about class? You son of a bitch."

She rushed to him, her body tense and angled for attack, "You broke my heart Sonny. Just held it and crushed it. No one has ever loved you the way I loved you. And you left me standing alone. You threw me away, standing alone in the goddam rain." The words caught in her throat and she released a soft sob. She fortified herself against the momentary loss in strength and with a finger pointed accusingly at Sonny, she continued, "And I can tell, Sonny, I look at you and your life and this ridiculous house and I know. Those stupid fucking tears welled up in your eyes tell me even if you can't, you have never loved anyone the way you loved me."

"Yeah, baby, you always had me all figured out, didn't you." Sonny's voice was tinged with his familiar unprincipled arrogance.

Operating solely on momentum, Brenda continued, "You talk about class. What has having 'class' ever gotten me? Why is it that trailer trash like your ex-wife can get every single thing she ever wanted? What, am I not capable of doing something dramatic and wrong?"

"Well, that's what I was for, right? Your venture into the wild side, into a world beneath you?"

Between gritted teeth and a quieter voice Brenda said, "You know damn well you were more than that to me. I was ready to leave everything for you."

"And now? What is my son to you?" Sonny's eyes burned with the bitterness swelling up inside him.

Brenda shook away the anger pounding in her skull, took a cleansing breath and quietly said, "Nothing, Sonny. He's a nice guy who has been kind to me, that's all. He's your son, not you." Brenda had to swallow away the bile rising in her throat. The nausea was cresting, and, in an effort to contain it, she closed her eyes and arched her neck up. Once the wooziness had passed, Brenda coolly continued, "Why are we even having this conversation? Don't we both deserve more than hurling accusations at each other?"

"Yes. We do. You know, whatever happened between us, I loved you the best way I knew how. I loved you with my whole heart, whatever was left of it. There's even less left of it now." Sonny took a swig of his drink.

"Why is there even a past tense for the word love. The idea of 'loved' doesn't exist. Because when you love, when you really love, there's no going back, is there? You can't unlove. Isn't that right, Sonny?" Brenda leaned closer to Sonny without taking a step. "You know, I don't even believe love is a real thing. It doesn't exist, I mean, for real, it doesn't. Yet what excruciating pain it is to not have it in your life. How can you miss something that doesn't even exist?"

With eyes focused intently on her face, Sonny calmly stated, "Oh, it exists. It existed every time I looked at you. Every time I set my eyes on you, I was full. Full of wanting you. For years, Brenda, I wanted you. I loved you from the start. And it only got worse."

"But then, what, Sonny? What happened to that?"

Sonny shrugged, turned around and started walking back across the room. "I guess we let go. We both let go."

The exchange had left Brenda breathless. The nausea rose up through her again, and she reached to grab the side of an arm chair to steady herself. She dropped her chin and closed her eyes waiting for it to pass.

Across the room Sonny turned and stared at Brenda. "What is the matter, Brenda? Why are you here? In Port Charles, I mean. What brought you here?"

Her knuckles white from holding on so tightly to the chair and without raising her chin or opening her eyes, Brenda said, "I came here to see Robin. For medical reasons."

Sonny's eyes widened and he took a step towards Brenda. He scanned her body, her face, what he could see of her hair under the cap. "Damn it, I knew something was off. What's going on?"

Brenda cleared her throat and looked down and shifted her feet. Still looking down she murmured, "They found something, a growth, somewhere back here." She pointed to her head and let her hand linger briefly to twist some hair around her finger.

Visibly shaken, Sonny asked, "What? A growth? You mean cancer?" Sonny's body was taut with concern. He concentrated his gaze on her and made a stalled motion to reach out his arms to take hers. His fingers stopped at her wrists and he gently took her hands in his. "Did you ask Robin to not tell me? Why didn't she tell me?"

Brenda looked up at Sonny and nodded. "Believe it or not, there's such a thing as doctor patient confidentiality, Sonny. Even in this town." She wiped away the tears welled in her eyes and smiled faintly. "I don't want to involve too many people in this. I'm not here to get attention or to have the town fawning over 'Poor Brenda.' I just came here to get better. and once I am better, I'm going back to Rome." She wiggled her hands out of his and turned her back, once again gazing out the window.

"Brenda, there are people here who love you. You know that, right? Why can't you let..." Sonny's voice trailed off into a hoarse whisper. He grabbed Brenda's elbows and turned her around to face him. His palms stroked Brenda's arms as he looked down on her with a tearful, yet focused gaze. He drew her hands up to his mouth and bowed his head into them. The searing pain behind Brenda's eyes softened as she tilted her head and looked at Sonny hunched before her. She found herself breathless again, this time for completely different reasons.

Sonny moved her hands back down away from her and inhaled deeply. Unsteadily he whispered, "Is there anything I can do? You'd let me know, right? If there is anything?"

Brenda's mouth opened to speak, but, not finding the words, she nodded and smiled weakly.

Sonny looked down at her hands, again held tightly in his grasp. He let his fingers idly stroke her knuckles. Struggling to keep the tears from coming, he said, "I didn't want to let you in to my life. And I did. I didn't want to love you, and I did. I was absolutely powerless to stop it. The very first time I've allowed another person to make me feel powerless was with you, Brenda. You and Stone were the first ones I ever let into my heart. His life ended in front of my eyes. So many lives have ended in front of my eyes. I never wanted you to be one of them. I never wanted to see you hurt. And now you're telling me you have this thing. A growth, cancer, whatever. And it's like a punch in the gut seeing you in pain or hurt. You know that don't you?"

"Well, this is kind of why I didn't want you or anyone else besides Robin to know. This is my thing to deal with, Sonny. There's nothing you can do." Brenda squeezed Sonny's hands and then let them go. Her face hardened a bit. "Besides, you severed your ties to me a long time ago. You let me know in no uncertain terms that you didn't want me in your life. You didn't want me as your responsibility."

Sonny was not deterred by her words. His voice remained soft as he said, "What we had can't be severed. You know I did what I did to protect you. I thought we made peace with all of that a long time ago."

"Yes, we did make peace. But, you're right, what we had can't be easily severed. My mind still goes back to that time. I could move oceans away and my mind will still bring me back to that time when I wanted you with all my heart. And I longed for you to want me." Brenda's voice caught in her throat. She steeled herself and continued, "And I keep thinking. It's not that you didn't want me hurt by the danger, it's more like you didn't want to be the one responsible, you didn't want to invest in us, attach yourself to me, for fear of anything happening to me because of you."

"What's the difference? Not wanting you hurt, not wanting to be responsible for you being hurt, aren't they the same thing?"

"Not wanting me hurt is about me and your feelings for me, and not wanting to be responsible is about you, Sonny, only you."

Sonny inhaled deeply. "Let me help you. You can trust me now Brenda. I'm not going anywhere. I want to do everything in my power to help you. And to be with you if you need me to be."

Brenda found herself powerless to say anything in response. Silently, she reached for his hands and a warm smile tremblingly rose over her face.

Dante walked up to Spinelli's office and finding the door ajar, entered the room. He ambled towards the laptop open on Spinelli's desk. Peering at the screen, he said to himself, "Ha, I guess I don't have to come groveling to The Jackal afterall." He scrolled down. "Jackpot...Rudy Zacchara...Wait, isn't this the same guy I saw on the dock with my mother? Crap." Dante rushed out the door and made a mad dash to his mother's house.

A/N Thanks for reading!