A/N: HEY! It's Caity! And KayKay! We wrote this, so be kind review.
CAITY WILL NOT BE WRITING ANYMORE, SO ANYONE INTERESTED IN TAKING HER PLACE, REVIEW AND I WILL ASK YOU TO JOIN ME IN THIS JOURNEY OF BATTINESS!
Bold *off*
Smokey WB symbol. It is now that we find out that we are watching the second Harry Potter film.
Several Idiots: Oh, We, for some reason walked into the completely wrong theatre... Could happen to anyone, right?
Everyone Else: No, actually. No it couldn't.
Movie:*starts*
Dursley's:
Vernon: Scum! We've got people coming over! RUN AWAYY!
Harry: Sounds like a fun night
Vernon: Petunia, when the Masons get here, you'll be?
Petunia: *Simpers*
Vernon: Right. And Dudders, you'll...?
Dudley: Mrghuunngggghhhh....
Vernon: That's a good boy! And Harry, you'll be?
Harry: Conferring with a House Elf, what do you think I'll be doing?
Vernon: A house...? Never mind, just leave!
Harry's 'room'
Dobby: *jumps on bed* WAHOOO!
Harry: WTFBBQ? Who the hell are you?
Dobby: Dobby the House-Elf, I is, sir
Harry: So I gathered from the shoddy script-writing, but why are you HERE?!
Dobby: *shrugs* I forgot on the way. Something about the Malfoys being dumbasses... Whatever, I'm sure it won't affect you sometime in the near future...*winks furiously*
Harry: What's wrong with your face?
Dobby: Nervous tic, I guess. *still winking furiously, jumps out the window*
Harry's room,' roundabout midnight
Ford Anglia: CLATTER CLATTER MAKE AS MUCH NOISE AS I CAN CLATTER BOOM BANG! Vroom VROOM DAMNIT!
Harry: *wakes up, looks out window* How is no-one else hearing this?
Two neighbors walk by on the sidewalk
Neighbor one: Bluhuhu! I thank I hare a FLYAN' CAR!
Neighbor Two: *bangs into a wall* I don't know what you're saying! I'm completely DEAF, DUMB, AND BLIND! *trips over ladybug and giggles*
Harry: Oh...that's how...
Ron: *leans out of car * Get in Harry!
Fred and George: We don't even have to help you get your bags either! How convenient! *roll eyes*
Harry: *loads bags and Hedwig (sad face) into the car while Dursley's take their SWEET GODDAMNED TIME unlocking the door* Hasta la Vista, baby!
Ron: Shut up, Harry. You're too white.
The Burrow
Harry: Of all the one houses I've seen in my lifetime, this is by far the most....lopsided...
Ron: That means a lot, Harry *sniffles* a lot.
Mrs. Weasley: WHERE WERE YOU? Oh, hello, Harry, darling. YOU COULD'VE SHOWN YOURSELVES TO MUGGLES! Harry, fancy a spot of tea? Eggs? Anything? YOU'RE ALL GROUNDED UNTIL THE END OF TIME!! Here are your eggs, Harry, dear; I made them into a smiley face. AND NO, I WOULD NOT LIKE TO TAKE MY MEDICINE! I'M PERFECTLY FINE, THANK YOU!
Mr. Weasley: Hello, my lovely and charming and amazing famil....
Mrs. Weasley: AND YOU!! HARBOURING AN ILLEAGAL CAR! HOW DARE YOU! Ginny, dear, what do you want?
Ginny: Do you know where my jumper is?
Mrs. Weasley: ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF SOMETHING? OF BEING A BAD MOTHER?
Ginny: No, I... Harry? *runs away, crying*
Harry: What's going ON around here?
Ron: Oh, that's just Ginny, she's been in love with you forev...
Harry: No, I mean with your MOM! What's her deal?
Ron: Oh, you know, the general stresses of being a mother of seven, Bipolar Disorder....
Harry: ....
Later, by the hearth
Mr. Weasley: Okay, Harry, be sure you throw DOWN the powder, and speak CLEARLY.
Harry: *Nods, steps into hearth* Dramngfogmongoogle! *throws Floo in the air like confetti* *disappears*
Mr. Weasley: Now, he just did that to piss me off!
Borgin and Burke's
Harry: Ooh, PURDY HAND! *reaches out to hand* MUST HAVE HAND!
Hand of Glory: I love you, Harry! *holds Harry's hand*
Harry and Hand: *have a moment*
Foot of Defeat: *is left out*
Luscious Malfoy: I'm a Pimp, deal with it, Borgin!
Borgin: Yesss, Massstah!
Draco: I'm a Pimp, too!
Luscious: No you're not.
Draco: *looks down* No, I'm not.
Borgin: Looking for anything in particular? I've got three milligrams of something WONDERFUL in today....
Luscious: *clears throat loudly* NO! I mean.... I'm here to sell today, Borgin... Arthur Weasley *mutters, bent over* bloodtraitorkillhimriphimYESS *coughs, and straightens up* He is conducting searches, and I'd rather not be embarrassed *looks at Draco* ....any more than I am already... *takes out small Ziploc baggies* twelve Galleons, nothing less.
Borgin: *looks disappointed* Oh... well, I rather hoped you had some Dark Magic Artifacts. I'm running out of those... *gives Luscious twelve Galleons*
Luscious: Ha! I got you! That's just oregano and crushed Aspirin! *runs out, Draco on tail*
Borgin: Son of a....! *goes to back room to cry*
Harry: *runs out of store*
Knockturn Alley
Hag: I work for Mary-Kay Makeup, would you like to have a 'free' consultation?
Harry: I...well... *mutters to self* no, resist! *to hag* NOOO!!!*stumbles way around Alley*
Hagrid: Harry! Why are you here? What's your business? Only Dark Wizards shop here! You're a DARK WIZARD, HARRY!
Harry: Umm... Okay... What are you doing here?
Hagrid: *blushes* I WAS BUYING FLESH-EATING SLUG REPELLANT! NO MORE QUESTIONS! Follow me! *walks out of alley*
Harry: *follows him*
Diagon Alley
Hermione: Hi Harry! Oh, what the hell did you do to your glasses? Let me fix them! *takes out wand* Oculus Reducto!
*Harry's glasses shatter on his face*
Harry: Shit, Hermione! NOW I'M BLIND!
Hermione: Wow. I must be losing my touch. I was doing third-year spells this time last year...Anyway! No time to fix your eyes now, let's go find the Weasley's! *leads Harry to Flourish and Blott's*
Hagrid: *shrugs and goes back to Knockturn Alley*
Flourish and Blott's
Mrs. Weasley: Harry, darling, it's so good to see... what happened to your FACE?
Harry: Hermione blinded me. With my glasses. Oh, but the irony!
Mrs. Weasley: *bitch-slaps Hermione*
Harry: *cautiously* Mrs. Weasley? Did you take your meds?
Mrs. Weasley: GET OFF MY BACK, BITCH! * socks Harry*
Gilderoy Lockheart: Ladies and... Ladies! I... CELEBRITY! I SMELL CELBRITY *sniffs his way, Scooby-Doo style, over to Harry* Harry Potter! You, there, take a picture!
Him, There: *takes a picture* that'll go to the Daily Prophet, that will!
Gilderoy Lockheart: Ha-Ha-Ha! Charming! *gags* Harry! Have some books! *gives Harry a yard-tall stack of books*
Harry: Nghhhh!
Gilderoy Lockheart: *slaps him on back, effectively knocking him over* you're welcome!
Harry: *staggers over to Weasleys*
Draco: *slides down a banister* Poor Potter, can't even stumble blindly into a bookshop without having a future teacher sniff out his celebrity and have a ruffian photograph them! Celebrity!
Everyone else: That was oddly specific, Draco. Oddly.
Draco: Yeah! Well! I! Uh....
Luscious: *pushes past Draco* Shut UP, Draco! You're a disgrace to the family name. Here's how it's done: POTTER! YOU'RE AN IDIOT! WEASLEY'S! YOU SUCK BALLS! GRANGER! MUDBLOOD! YOU-KNOW-WHO IS A B.A.M.F!
Arthur: *tries to punch Luscious*
Luscious: *rolls eyes, knocks Arthur on the head with his Pimp Cane* I'm out bitches! Draco, come.
Arthur: *bleeds*
Fred or George: Jaysus! Who spit in HIS bitch-flakes this morning?
King's Cross
Weasley's: *go through platform nine and three-quarters*
Harry and Ron: *don't*
Harry: Honestly, I think this is my favorite trip so far. I mean, I'm blind, I've missed the train! This is AWESOME!
Ron: Harry! The car!
Harry: *spins around* where?
Ron: Luscious was right, you ARE an idiot. We should fly the car to Hogwarts!
Harry: And I'm the idiot!
In the car, over Scotland
Ron: *flies the car*
Harry: *falls out*
Ron: Jesus, Harry, it's like you LIKE being in danger! Whatever, lemme help you... *lets go of wheel to grab Harry*
Car: *flies into the dangerous, fat tree*
Whomping Willow: *whomps* how dare you say I'm fat!
Car: *escapes* EAT THAT, BUSH BOY! *throws Harry and Ron out* That was fun and all, but I have a pretty hot date with a Airwolf. Wish me luck. *Drives into the Forbidden Forest*
Ron: Woah, It's really lucky we didn't get caught!
Filch: *snivels happily*
Harry: Dumbass! You jinxed it! You didn't touch wood!
Dumbledore: Boys, you almost killed the Whomping Willow! You almost revealed hundreds upon hundreds of years of Magic to Muggles! This should merit some kind of punishment! But, THAT would be stupid! Who punishes anyone anyway?
Harry: You do. You're the headmaster.
Dumbledore: I am?
Harry, Snape, Filch: *nods*
Ron: He is?
Dumbledore: Imagine that! Okay, then, you both have a detention *giggles giddily and skips away*
Herbology
P. Sprout: Okay everyone, can anyone tell me what a Mandrake's root is used for?
Hermione: It is used to remedy petrifaction
P. Sprout: Good, twenty points to Gryffindor. Now, can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is?
Hermione: A literary tool in which the author hints at future events.
P. Sprout: Good. Now, harvest these Mandrakes, just in case we need them *winks furiously*
Neville: Professor, what's wrong with your face?
P. Sprout: Nervous tic, I guess *winks furiously*
Breakfast
Ron: Mail's here!
Harry: Oh, man, Ron, what's that?
Neville: It's a HOWLER! Open it now! I ignored one from my Uncle once, and it set my crotch on fire. Just like my uncle used to.
Harry and Ron: *stare*
Howler: *sets Ron's crotch on fire*
Ron: MOTHER OF GOD!! THAT'S INTENSE!
Hermione: Here, Ron, I'll put it out! *takes out wand* Crotchus Reducto!
Ron's Crotch: Oh, hell no! *explodes*
Gryffindor Table: *stares*
Quidditch Practice
Oliver: Okay, guys, I didn't really reserve the pitch, but with our luck, no-one will be there, right?
Slytherin Team: *is there*
Draco: GUESS WHAT GRANGER?
Hermione: What?
Draco: MUDBLOOD! HA-HA!
Gryffindors: Aww, shoot! Oh no he DI'ENT!
Ron: Eat slugs!
Ron's Wand: *essplodes and fails*
Ron: *eats slugs* these aren't so bad after all!
Harry: Is that actually a spell?
Hermione: No, Ron's just an idiot.
Harry: Speaking of idiots, let's go to Hagrid's hut.
Hermione: Why?
Harry: Blind-person senses.
Hagrid's Hut
Ron: *is outside in the garden, eating slugs off of the pumpkins*
Hagrid: Who was Ron trying to curse, anyhow?
Harry: Malfoy. He called Hermione a.... I actually didn't understand a word he said. He's kind of got a harelip, you know?
Hagrid: *nods understandingly*
Hermione: *sobs* he called me a mudblood!
Harry and Hagrid: *are silent*
Hermione: It's an insult!
Harry: The bastard!
Hagrid: I'll kill him!
Hermione: *is appeased*
Hallway after detention
Harry: What's up with the hallway? Why is it so wet?
Ron and Hermione: *magically appear*
Ron: Talking to yourself again, Harry?
Harry: Again?
Hermione: Don't mind him. He's an idiot.
Wall: The chamber has been opened, bitches! Haters beware!
Mrs. Norris: ....
Filch: My cat! Scarface, you killed my cat!
Dumbledore: Let's not devolve to name-calling, Argus, it's just petrified.
Harry: I didn't do anything!
Draco: I did!
Snape: Really?
Draco: No.
Transfiguration
McGonagall: Today, we'll be transforming animals into goblets. Ms. Granger, would you like to try?
Hermione: Sure! *points wand at Crookshanks* Felinus Reducto!
Crookshanks: *explodes*
Hermione: Damnit! I don't know why I keep doing that...
Ron: Because you're stupider than I am!
Hermione: Professor! Could you tell us about the Chamber of Secrets?
McGonagall: *is distracted* Sure! The chamber was created by Slytherin, opened by a Slytherin the first time, and contains a monster that could kill you. If it tries, though, you could turn it into a water goblet!
After Transfiguration
Hermione: Do you think there's actually a Chamber of Secrets?
Ron: Sure, who could it hurt?
Harry: Mrs. Norris, Colin Creevey, Nearly-Headless Nick, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Penelope Clearwater, Hermione, and Ginny.
Ron: Oh. That was... oddly specific.
Harry: Yeah, I do that sometimes...
Hermione: *snaps fingers in front of Ron and Harry's faces* Guys. Focus. We have to figure out who the Heir is.
Harry: Why is it always us?
Ron: I think it's Malfoy.
Harry: I agree. Figuring DONE. Let's go get lunch...
Hermione: Plausible enough. What we NEED, though, is a plan.
Ron: I've got it! We sneak into Slytherin Dungeons (in disguise) and ASK HIM!
Harry: ...
Hermione: ... It's so completely nuts, it just might work. Now, what we need are disguises.
Harry: I've got a pretty nifty wig and a sparkly dress, up in the dormitories.
Hermione: Noooo... I was thinking more in the way of extremely difficult potions.
Harry: *sulks*
Quidditch Pitch
Draco: I think the Whomping Willow's your broom's brother, Potter!
Harry: *shakes fist at Malfoy* What did you say about my mother?
Draco: *is confused and flies away*
Bludger:*zooms at Harry*
Harry: WTFBBQ? *flies out of range*
Bludger: *zooms at Harry again*
Harry: Have you no MERCY?
Bludger: *breaks Harry's arm*
Harry: *catches snitch* EAT THAT, BALL BOY! *socks Bludger in face*
Everyone Else: *did not know that was possible*
Harry: *lays on ground*
Lockheart: Are you hurt?
Harry: NO, I'M JUST JIM-EFFING-DANDY, SHERLOCK!
Lockheart: I'll fix it! *does wrong spell*
Harry's Arm: *jellifies*
Harry: Figures
Night at the Hospital Wing
Dobby: *cracks!*
Harry: No, don't touch my monkey...! Oh, it's you....
Dobby: 'sup foo! How's tricks!
Harry: Perfectly fine, except A BLUDGER BROKE MY ARM!
Dobby: Yeah... my beef. It was only meant to send you into a temporary coma!
Harry: *rolls eyes* Oh, was that ALL it was meant to do? Why don't you just kill me now, Dobby?
Dobby: *picks up Skele-Grow bottle* don't mind if I do!
Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Madam Pom-Poms: *enter*
Madam Pom-Poms: Buh, buh, buh. Another one bites the dust, and another one does, and another one does, another one bites the dust...
Dumbledore: *hysterical* HE'S NOT DEAD!
McGonagall: Riiight... So, you think he got a picture of his attacker?
Dumbledore: *snorts* Colin Creevey? Get a picture? Nooo! *opens camera*
Camera: *explodes*
Madam Pom-Poms: Oh. That was convenient.