Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine; story was made up by me. This was not created for profit.

Warning/Rating: MATURE. Not for the under-aged or faint hearted.

Pairing: Spike/Hmmm. A bit of Angelus. A bit of Angel. Giles. And Riley. Maybe no one for all I know.

A/N: So, a year later and I'm finally back to updating this fic. A big reason as to why it's taken so long is because I lost most of chapter 4 that I'd already written, and I was sad.. So anyway, rewrote this one finally.

[S]

I didn't feel very well, I really didn't feel very well. I'd finally gotten some blood down me, but it didn't really seem to be helping. Perfect, even blood was abandoning me now. I tried to rearrange myself, to relax and wait for the curing elixir to kick in and nit together my broken flesh, perhaps fix my blurry vision.. But instead I just started getting dizzy, dizzy and very nauseous.

This wasn't a very good sign, maybe.. Maybe the Watcher had poisoned me? The thought hurt me a little, like another little bit of my certainty had been destroyed. It made sense if bonds as strong as Sire and Childe could be broken, and a vampire could be put on a leash from feeding, who said that a man you expected to be noble wouldn't suddenly take the coward's way out to kill you... Or maybe he just wanted to hurt me, there had always been rumours about the Watcher's past.. Maybe having a human shaped monster locked in your bathroom was enough to pull out the dark side in the best of people..

Fucking hell I didn't feel good, suddenly the blood inside me felt like it was turning on me. Like it had swam around a few times and decided that this wasn't the place for it, my veins hurt, my tired silent aorta hurt, my stomach hurt as it pulsed and tremble with a belly full of AWOL blood and my throat hurt as the traitorous liquid began to rise up to make it's escape.

Not my fucking duster, you don't. I didn't care about the pain anymore, I just didn't want to vomit on myself –who knew how long until it'd be cleaned up. I was filthy enough as it is, and by this point I just wanted to be clean... I wanted to be pure, and unadulterated.. I wanted to look in the mirror and see something, anything, someone who could find..

I was vomiting now, mouthfuls of blood ripping out my throat and spluttering from my tired lips. This isn't right, this is was fucking awful, this was the last thing that happens when vampires drink blood. A small thought slipped into my head.. Maybe you've been saved, maybe you've been cured, turned back, accepted back in to the arms of the holy and the living.. Maybe you just have to remove all the last traces of the demon.. Maybe it's over.

The watcher had appeared again, he didn't look too pleased. I tried to explain to him that it was all going to be better now, that he wasn't going to have to keep a demon in his bathroom any longer, that I'd been saved and any minute now..

New blood was being tipped down my throat. It tasted better, it tasted fucking fantastic. It was everything I needed, everything my body was crying out for. I could feel my arteries expanding again, slithers of flesh stitching back together, I gasped in air as my chest finally relieved the pressure of being encased in tightly wound wires, I screamed.

"NO!" I was saved, I was ready to go, to leave behind the years of parasitic life, I told him I'd be his child again, I'd walk into the light, I'd say sorry to my victims, I'd..

*G.

I didn't know what to do, he just kept retching, there must have been something wrong with the blood – who knew that you could poison a vampire? Was it the reheating, the boiling?

I skidded across the blood slick floor, rushing to the fridge to grab a blood bag, no time to heat it. Spike's position wasn't giving me any time to heat it, or maybe there was but I was just too worried about doing more damage. Returning to my patient, or prisoner, or enemy – I've not really been sure these past few days – I ripped open the packet and helped ease the red fluid down his throat.

He began screaming suddenly, I wasn't sure why – was this blood also contaminated? Did I get something else wrong?

Apparently not, after a few minutes he fell silent, barely moving except to tense his right into a fist and back again. He was staring at his hand, watching the gash on his wrist seal itself slowly. He was breathing again, I hoped everything had returned to normal.

"I thought I'd been saved.."

I didn't understand him, I wasn't sure if I wanted to. There was blood all over my hands, I felt like I'd just murdered someone, or perhaps saved them. Is that what Spike was referring to? It didn't seem likely, his expression was mortified and confused. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore, not with Spike here.. Not with William here and his peculiar predicament, which seemed to throw everything I'd learnt as a watcher out the window, and delve us into the world of murky grey morality..

He's a monster, I told myself. You can feel anything for monsters.

I wanted to leave, if I stayed any longer and involved myself further in whatever he was experiencing, I'd probably not come back the same. This was my chance to leave with my head held high, to leave a line between us and them. Between me and him.

"You don't look very well, is there anything I can do to help?"

I guess I already knew there wasn't any chance of me leaving him like this.

A.N:I got well into this chapter, is anyone still reading it? Should I keep updating?