Chapter 9

So it's been quite awhile, and I keep doing this. I'm not a very consistent writer but I'm not giving up. This chapter has been very, very hard to write and it's taken this low in my life to churn it out.

I hope you enjoy it and thanks for sticking with me thus far.

Trigger warning for victims of assault of some kind.

That night, the dreams are worst than they've ever been. At first, he tries as hard as possible to delay the inevitable using the extensive knowledge of sleep delaying tactics that he unfortunately knows, and for a while he is able to do it, because of his late nap.

But eventually he does fall asleep and the dreams plague him as usual.

He's been practicing waking as quietly as possible the last couple of nights; burrowing his face in the pillow at times to muffle any shouts or screams, and the first time he wakes that night, he realizes that he's alone, which is both a relief and a disappointment. He quietly slides out of bed, feeling worn out and treks to the bathroom to splash cold water on his sweaty face.

He stops by Wolf's room while shuffling back to his own and, glancing through the open door, notes that the man is indeed still asleep. Alex both envies his rest and at the same time is glad he hasn't woken him with his endless nightmares again.

But, climbing back into his bed is the hardest things to do each night, and to Alex's dismay, he falls promptly back to sleep despite his best efforts and his dreams return with a vengeance as though incensed for having been interrupted before.

When Alex gasps awake for the second time in three hours, he's still alone when he dashes out of the bed. Instead, he collides head on with Wolf just outside his door in his haste to get to the toilet and lose his dinner for the second night in a row. Wolf catches a hold of him before he can fall on his arse from the rebound, but Alex wrestles free instantly and only just makes it to the bathroom in time.

By the time he can stop embracing the toilet so fiercely, Wolf is shooting concerned looks into his back so steadily, he can feel the pressure pushing him into the cold rim of the seat and he knows he won't be able to weasel out of an explanation this time.

But he's too raw to talk yet. He avoids looking at Wolf, instead hunching over the toilet, breathing harshly for a minute.

"Alex," Wolf eventually calls him after waiting as long as he's willing to. Alex flushes the toilet.

"It's getting worse kid, you can't keep doing this."

Alex still ignores him, slowly covering the seat and flopping down on it to try and collect himself.

He eventually glances up at Wolf tiredly, hoping the man will just take pity on his misery and leave him alone. But even with just a glance, Alex sees the images of his nightmare resurfacing, superimposing themselves on his real world view of Wolf's worried face.

Phantom blood and neat little stitches mirroring his own, but created by his own hands.

Alex turns away abruptly, squeezing his eyes shut against the images.

"Alex, I'm trying to help you," Wolf sounds frustrated but Alex can't look at him.

"Please don't make me tell you," Alex downright pleads. He can't relive that right now. He's still nauseated at the thought of it.

Wolf is quiet for long enough that Alex thinks that thankfully, he's left him alone.

"Alex, are you afraid of me?" Wolf eventually asks quietly "Because-"

"No!" Alex sits up straighter, peeling his eyes open where he had begun to drift off with exhaustion and forces himself to look at Wolf who is standing by looking both confused and genuinely unsure.

"God no! You actually think I…?"

"Well I don't know what to think Alex," Wolf answers, clearly frustrated "and the way your acting it's like you're-"

"No." Alex cuts him off again "That's not it, not at all."

"Then what is it?" Wolf sounds unconvinced. L

"Its just that… I don't know how to explain…" he sighs, getting to his feet slowly and washing out his mouth at the sink. He glances back at Wolf again, hoping he won't really have to explain himself to set the man at ease, but Wolf has retreated to the doorpost of the bathroom looking no less troubled, and it becomes apparent that if Alex continues to keep this to himself, Wolf will assume its because of him and keep his distance; something Alex can't bear.

"Can we go down stairs?" He grips the sides of the sink, examining his face in the mirror forlornly. He suddenly feels as though he can't hide any more.

As though this misunderstanding knocks down the last of his barrier to keep the nightmares separate from the day. As though the dreams have begun to properly wreck his daytime life. "I can't go back to bed."

He turns to Wolf with a courage he doesn't feel and still sees garish images flashing themselves into real life, but pushes it aside.

Wolf looks worried and pensive, but nods and once they're settled in the living room with tea a few minutes later, Wolf doesn't rush him and Alex appreciates the understanding and extra patience.

"I don't think I can go into everything right now, " He begins, unsure "I don't know if I can do that just yet. "

"And that's alright Cub, I understand that." Wolf assures him kindly "But your dreams, at least the worst things about them, the stuff that's ripping the nights apart ; I mean you can't even keep food down, mate," Wolf insists. "hanging on to that is only making things worse."

Alex nods quietly because he knows Wolf is right this time; he can't see himself going through another night like this.

"Most of the time, it's the attack" he begins tentatively… "like its replaying over and over again. Sometimes a few details are different." He grips the cup painfully and glances across the small space between the two sofas to where Wolf is sitting; quiet, patient and understanding but also clearly adamant for an answer that will help them both, and Alex resigns himself to really try as much as he can tonight, before things can come to a breaking point.

He takes a deep breath and begins properly .

"When it happened, in real life, "he starts brokenly, entranced by the contents of his cup "I had just been about to leave to come over here to watch the game, after you called."

Wolf nods tightly, the events of that evening from his side of things, bubbles up to the surface as well, but he is careful not to interrupt.

"There was a quick rapping on the door and someone announcing him self as Scotland Yard." Alex squeezes his eyes shut, willing the memories not to flood back, not to overwhelm him before he can control his narrative. But the tears are still eager to fall and the first few slip past as he continues.

"He said that his name was officer something, I don't remember what now, and that they're doing a door to door sweep of the building because a fleeing suspect is believed to be held up in one of the flats, coercing some poor bloke into hiding him.

I told him I was definitely alone, but he insisted it would only take a quick minute. " Alex sniffles as the sensations of powerlessness come flooding back and he shakes as he continues." he was um, ... tall, you know, wiry but strong and... he shut the door behind him and kicked my feet out from under me and before I knew what was happening and it's stupid you know, because I'm always so cautious and quick on my feet, but that day, for some dumb reason, that day.. . " he's fully sobbing now. Wolf doesn't say anything, just sits quietly, silent tears threatening to spill over at the agony, and self loathing Alex feels even now.

"He held me down with his knee on my chest and his hand over my mouth," Alex sniffles loudly. " Then he took out this needle with something white in it and I really, really didn't want him to stick me with it, so I tried to punch him or kick him in the balls really fucking hard."

He's quite for a minute, a different kind of fear and sudden anger, cloud his features for a moment before he continues.

"But you know how things like that never quite work how you intended, so it didn't matter, instead he laughed like it was so funny and flipped me over onto my stomach and stuck that thing in my neck before I could do anything," he tries to keep his voice somewhat even but it cracks just the same.

He pauses, short of breath from racing to talk, to say it all too quickly for the despair to drown him. He swipes at his tears and his nose, sniffling and trying to swallow past the lump in his throat. .

"He said that it was going to paralyze me and then he just let go, let me up as though he'd changed his mind. Laughing and laughing, this horrible fucked up sound and I tried so hard to get up and punch his daylights out but I felt like I weighed a goddamn ton. And he just wouldn't stop the fucking laughing,"

Wolf wonders if he's made a mistake in pushing him to this, because its heart wrenchingly evident that the wound is still so raw; that it still burns. His own fist are clenched in frustration, mirroring Alex's, which shake in repressed rage at his helplessness.

"Then he dragged me to the bathroom and I was so terrified," his voice is shaking so hard some of the words are jumbled. "I was so fucking scared of what was about happen. You can't know… " He looks up at Wolf properly for the first time since his narrative began. "You can't possibly know," He whispers and Wolf nods solemnly in understanding, tears of his own, free flowing.

Alex hangs his head again. "I thought…. I thought he was going to…. He seemed like the type to…" He can't get the words out, but Wolf understands what he trying to say. The could have been that has his throat clammed shut. The added terrifying shame in his helplessness against that sort of assault and Wolf thanks God that it hadn't been that too.

"I know Cub," He saves the kid from the thought. "I know,"

Alex looks up at him with haunted eyes. "Sometimes I dream that that's what happened instead, "

Amidst Wolf's fervent list of 'should-have-beens', he wishes again that he could have simply taken it all away.

Alex sniffles loudly and puts the cup down on the end table next to him and draws his knees up to his chest. "Sometimes, almost suffocating is the worst, because it was so bloody difficult to breath and I kind of thought that… maybe I should just…." He stops short of saying what he had truly considered doing but he sees the comprehension on Wolf's face all the same.

"And sometimes I can feel him… feel the needle" he exhales shakily, "its like the pain of when he sewed them in is there again" he gestures vaguely to his face where there are still scabs marking the painful entry points.

"I know it's not real anymore." Alex continues quietly. "I know….I know that it could have been worse... or whatever."

"No one is undermining what you've been through," Wolf quickly corrects him horrified that he could think otherwise. "You don't have..."

"Let me finish." Alex interrupts in a shaky, but firm voice and Wolf falls silent with a quiet apology.

"I know I survived it, but it feels like I didn't; not really,"

He swallows thickly "It feels like I'm delaying the inevitable because he's gonna come back. He's going to catch me some how and he's going to finish what he started and when he does..."

Alex is unsure of how to continue past this point and falls silent for a moment. When he glances at Wolf again he appears expectant and attentive and not at all surprised by this declaration. It does nothing to bolster Alex's confidence to continue but he tries to anyway.

"But that's not the worst part,"

Alex falls quiet again for so long that Wolf finally has to prompt him.

"What is?"

Alex fidgets, running his hands through his hair and hugs his knees tighter, and Wolf is careful not to prod even though he feels a morsel of impatience now that they are on the cusp of fully unseating this nighttime demon.

Alex eventually resumes by way of a heavy sigh.

"When I first began to work for MI6 there were a lot of consequences I guess that I didn't notice at first" he says rather cryptic ally.

"The school didn't really know what to do with all the absences and stuff so they kicked me out. And when that happened," he rushes on as though he has a time limit in which to prove something. "Jack was like the only person I could turn to for anything you know, so when she got sent away and banned from communicating, it was hard… I don't think I… I didn't really…" he pauses, drawing in a quivering breath and to Wolf, he looks as though he's about to lose his nerve. But Wolf can't say with certainty where this is going.

Alex seems to shift gears slightly and plows on. "When you were there at the debriefing and stood up for me and you became the only one who actually gave a damn… I just… and then when you found me I… you started to matter and now…" he stops again, his face buried in his hands

"What is it Alex?" Wolf prods quietly, no longer trying to hid his confusion

Alex sighs with frustration "It's you, ok, the worst part is what happens to you."

Wolf feels an icy knob of dread begin to form in his gut. Something isn't right here.

"What do you mean what happens to me?" he asks firmly, but not unkindly.

Alex looks at him with haunted eyes again "Every night, you are in the dream in some way, sometimes we're still in Faisalabad or sometimes we're in my old place or at MI6, but always when you try to help me or right afterwards, you get killed." He exhales shakily through his mouth like a breathing exercise, while Wolf digests this.

"Every night someone kills you and these past two nights… it's me." He seems to gather strength for some reason as Wolf is reeling from the understanding that in someway he is responsible for some sort of parasitic guilt trip that Alex has infected himself with.

"And for the past two nights, I've been killing you in my dream, okay?" Alex continues with a obvious note of loathing in his voice "I woke up nauseated because I was the one sewing the thread into your face."

He falls silent again and Wolf has no idea what to say.

Alex seems to be ashamed, seems to think Wolf is going to be disgusted by this revelation in some way but, that's the furthest thing from his mind.

He wants to know where this twisted sense of culpability is coming from. Alex hadn't asked him to do any of these things. His involvement was completely his own decision, so why is the kid worrying himself sick over that?

Wolf notices that Alex is becoming more and more concerned by his silence.

"Alex, this isn't on you," Wolf implores him "you didn't make this happen, I made the deci-"

"Yes I did," Alex cuts in almost viciously " I messed up, not you, and that mess caused you-"

"No, Alex," Wolf's voice is raised now as well. "I made those decisions myself, and it wasn't out of guilt or pity," the words feel like a lie because even now he still feels guilty for what happened to Alex and still firmly believes that with less inaction he could have prevented it, but he wills Alex to believe what he is saying because what ever he may think, this isn't Alex's fault. "You needed help and I could give it."

"Bullocks," Alex snaps back "I killed someone, Wolf!" he yells gesturing at himself. "I fucked up that mission and got that agent killed. That's why our lives are entangled. I. Killed. Someone." He emphasizes the words with angry stabs at himself "Now we're both in the cross hairs of a mad man because I have to pay for that."

Wolf's face darkens and he looks both ashamed and defiant.

"If you deserve to be in those cross hairs because of the accident you caused, " he pauses to emphasize it "the honest to God misunderstanding that cost that agent his life, then I deserve to be there even more so for my own past actions, not from anything you think you caused me to do now."

Alex is temporarily knocked off kilter and the darker, more jaded part of his team mate seems to flash into existence again, returning from the days when Alex used to hold him at arms length,when there was just enough dangerous intrigue surrounding him in Alex's eyes, to warrant caution.

But, Alex refuses to see him as anything so dark as a murderer. He could not have messed up in the way Alex has. He's a good man. Alex knows that without a doubt and he's still in danger; he could still die. They both could.

Wolf sighs heavily and leans forward, elbows on his knees.

"I'm not trying to scare you Alex, but this line of work that I'm in, that you have been unfairly thrust into, is bloody and bad things happen. That is not to say those who don't make it back don't matter," he pauses to be sure this is not misunderstood, "but those who do, are not responsible for every single reprehensible thing that happens after that because their life touched it." He scoots forward in the sofa, coming closer to try and impress upon him the importance of what he's saying "You did not ask me to protect you, nor to find you, nor to take you in. You didn't install sutures into your own face and I know there is no fucking way you are going to do that to me. You're not going to go and invite him here to kill me and if he finds his way here, I am going to kill him. Not die. This is not your fault."

Although some of what Wolf has said is marginally easing the vice of self loathing he feels shrouded in, Alex feels as though ultimately nothing has changed. They are still in danger, the Surgeon will be back; Of this he has no doubt and Alex still can't bear to lose him even if he may not be directly responsible for it.

The two of them sit in a tense silence for a few moments, not budging on the convictions they each hold to be true. But eventually Wolf softens and takes pity on the fact that the fear that Alex speaks of is deep seated, it's not just guilt and it hasn't been assuaged.

As much as the kid may be afraid of being responsible for his death he is most simply terrified of it happening at all.

He gets off the sofa, kneeling in front of Alex.

"I appreciate that you worry about me Cub, I really do. I won't tell you not to. I will say that you don't need to, but I won't say don't. A man's got to look out for his people, right? " He smiles softly "But I need you to appreciate that I worry about you too. I need to because something horrible has happened to you and you haven't healed from it yet, OK? And you won't heal if you let this misguided obsession with my safety, consume you. So what if we make an agreement? What if, I take steps to make sure we're both safe from this threat. Not just you, but I really protect myself as well and in return, you promise me to let go of all this fear and guilt that's making you sick, so you can move on? Can we agree on that? "

It's what Alex has been hoping for but not knowing all this time, what he hadn't realized was so important for his peace of mind. That Wolf taking ownership of his danger, so that Alex didn't have to do so alone, would make such a difference in his mind.

He had been so afraid that he wouldn't taken him seriously. That the burden of keeping him safe would have to be a secret mission Alex was destined to fail alone.

He is so suddenly relieved that he releases a shuddering breath of exhaustion and release. An enormous weight feels lifted and all he can do is nod. When Wolf notices the edges of a watery smile emerge, he smiles as well and gets up to pull him into a tight hug. Alex squeezes back harder.

Wolf holds on for as long as Alex needs and when he does finally pulls away a minute later, He looks him in the eye and promises that they are going to come out of the other side of this okay. Both of them.

Alex nods and despite himself, he believes the promise, as presumptuous as it is to make. Wolf sits down beside him on the sofa and let's him lean against him as Alex slowly and finally calms down. Eventually, Alex succumbs to his exhaustion and his sleep is noticeably deep. Wolf stays where he is, thinking, a while longer until he too falls asleep.

So what do you think, please let me know. I really do write for you guys otherwise I'd just leave everything in my head.

Until next time. It wont be as long. This really was a hurdle chapter.