GODFUCKINGDAMMIT

Sorry, my parents put these STUPID blocks on the computer and they waste all my time by blocking out RANDOM pages of the internet, for NO REASON and every time I have to get my mom to unblock the page and she's always like IS THERE MATURE CONTENT ON THAT PAGE HUH HUH IS THERE HUH and I'm like NO JUST UNBLOCK THE DAMN PAGE ALREADY

EVERY TIME GODDAMMIT.

Anyway, here's chapter two. sorry for the HUGE delay, it seriously shouldn't have been that long. Big Time Rush, yanno? Got to me. BAD. Enjoy.

.2.

Kenny decides to skip fourth; Stan's in there, and he doesn't really want to take the risk of another confrontation. Besides, he hates Chemistry. It's like his two worst subjects combined: math and science. Not that he's really that much better in English or History, either. He just kind of can't stand chemistry. He feels kind of bad about constantly cutting that class, though, because his lab partner is Token, and it sucks that he always has to do things on his own. Token's pretty smart, however, so Kenny's sure he's able to manage without his help (or lack thereof). Besides, Kenny's pretty sure he pisses Token off most of the time, so this shouldn't really be that big a deal.

Because he's such a notorious sneak, Kenny doesn't carry his own cigarettes around school. When he wants to smoke he has to get resources from none other than the goth kids. He gets along pretty well with them; they don't mind him because apparently his being poor isn't so "conformist." They hate it when he talks about Kyle, though; they say relationships are the worst. The most conformist thing ever to happen. Kenny knows they'll keep his secret, though. Gossip is also conformist.

"Hey guys," Kenny greets as he rounds the corner to the back of the school, A.K.A. their hideout. Everyone knows they hang out back here. People just tend to... leave them be. Ignore their existence. Stay the hell away. Whatever term is preferred.

"Hey, Ken," Henrietta states dully in her voice devoid of all happiness and anything of the sort; basically everything the goths stand for. Nope, definitely not a conformist voice. "Need a cig?"

"Yeah," Kenny affirms, trying to ignore her attempt at "nonconformist terms." That's a downside on these guys; they prefer to keep their language devoid of modern terms because everyone uses them, therefore making them (you guessed it) conformist. Kenny swears, that word comes up at least ten times a minute in conversation with them. Nicknames are also avoided, though Kenny doesn't see how 'Ken' is that much better than 'Kenny.' Then they go and call him "Noncon" as their little joke. They told him it means 'nonconformist,' but Kenny knows it's because of his tendency to take advantage of people by the persuasive means of seduction. Well, he doesn't do it all that often, just sometimes when he really needs to. Like for money. And not hormones. Ever.

"So how are things going with your little boyfriend?" Ethan sneers. He's the most put-off by Kenny's ways of "letting himself get sucked into society's love lies." Kenny colors and takes the cigarette Henrietta offers him.

"They're not. And since when did you care?"

"He doesn't." Blood speaks up. By now Kenny has no idea of Blood's real name. He's taken the whole goth thing so seriously that he won't even acknowledge his birth name anymore. He even moved out of his parents' house last year to live with Henrietta. And Kenny's so conformist with his relationships. Cough.

"It was mockery," Georgie cuts in, taking a drag on his own cigarette. That's just wrong; the kid's still in middle school. But apparently that's exactly his point. Whatever, as if Kenny cares. He frowns.

"Whatever," he mumbles, lifting the white cylinder to his lips and inhaling the smoke.

"Really, what's got you so down as to come out back begging for cigarettes?" Henrietta presses. As the only girl in the group, she has most of the "soft side." Not to say that she's soft. At all. She's just the most understanding out of all of them. Which isn't saying much, but at least it's there, under layers and layers of thick black eyeshadow and black lace dresses and crosses and pain and suffering. A self-pity group, that's what they are.

"Wouldn't you like to know," Kenny murmurs, exhaling the silky gray as he speaks, the thin trails of smoke tumbling from his lips and rising in the cold air. He sighs the rest of it out and speaks as the silence remains. "Stan found out about my oh so conformist crush on Kyle."

"Ooh, tough," Ethan comments snidely. "Looks like the super best fags beat you to the mark." Kenny frowns.

"Hey, I said he found out, not that he went off and stole Kyle for himself. Besides, who says Stan's even gay?" Okay, wow, that was a stupid ting to say. Blood lets out a short bark of laughter as Henrietta rolls her eyes in exasperation.

"E-ver-y-one knows Stan's gay," he remarks, drawing out the first word into syllables. "He's the only one who doesn't."

"Yeah, well," Kenny huffs, slightly embarrassed, "I think he does, because he told me to stay the fuck away from Kyle. And he implied that Kyle doesn't even like me."

"That guy's such a fag," Blood snorts, chuckling quietly to himself. Kenny furrows his eyebrows and takes another drag.

"Whatever, you guys are the ones who wanted to know; I didn't ask for all your insults."

"The world is pain," Georgie comments out of nowhere. That kid is so strange; almost everything he says is a random goth doctrine or whatever (not that it's actually doctrine, that would be conformist) that has no relevance to the conversation whatsoever. And Kenny's the only one who doesn't understand what he means, unlike the rest of the goth kids.

"Georgie's right," Henrietta agrees, lifting her own cigarette to her lips as she speaks. "You know, we did tell you that love is lies force-fed on us by the government to keep us in check, but you just had to go on and let them lead you on. Conforming to it isn't going to make it real."

"Yeah," the rest all agree simultaneously.

"Why don't you just go home and cry to your mommy about it? I'm sure she'll give you some love," Blood adds. The thing about Blood is that he sees the whole world as a joke, as dark humor. He laughs at the irony of everything and is amused by the pain of others. He's pretty morbid compared to the rest; he'll watch someone get mauled by a bear and smile. Kenny prefers to keep his distance.

"Can we shut up about my problems now?" Kenny seethes. "I came back here to relax, not get ridiculed." He sighs in frustration and sinks back against the cold gray brick wall.

"There is no happiness."

"That's nice, Georgie."

...

After a joy-filled forty-five minutes with the four happiest people on Earth, Kenny is slowly making his way to the tree on the northeast corner of the school campus. He's not overexcited to be spending the time alone, especially since he won't be eating, but it's better than hanging around places Stan will be. Kenny's decided that the small happiness he can gain by being near Kyle is outweighed by the prospect of Stan being right there watching him. Staring at him with those scrutinizing eyes, that cold, threatening gaze. Drilling right into him, tearing the security from his heart. It would defeat the purpose of everything, and so Kenny decides that he's going to be as far away from that as he can.

It doesn't change the fact that the northeast corner will make him travel right through the football field, a place Stan on occasion will hang out. Kenny hopes to God that today is not one of those days, but maybe God doesn't really like him all that much, because Stan is actually kind of right there. And Kenny must've done something especially horrible to his older brother last night, because right on cue Stan's head turns and those drilling eyes lock on him. Kenny can see him preparing to open fire, cursing himself and homosexuality and super best friends and God. Well, that last one was not the way to go, because Stan starts heading right over. Goddammit.

Well maybe he can pretend he doesn't see him. Maybe he can just look the other way and keep walking and Stan will just give up and go back to his football buddies. The thing about Stan, though, is that he doesn't get on well with being ignored. Kenny winces as he hears his name called out in the familiar voice and stops in his tracks, shoulders tense, and spins around to face the one person he really doesn't want to see. Honestly, he'd rather spend the day with Cartman than have this conversation. Or whatever Stan is catching up to him for. Putting on a bright smile, he holds his arms out as if to embrace and calls in an overly excited voice, "Stan!" Stan's reaction is an unimpressed sort of glare and Kenny lowers his arms, holding onto his fake smile as Stan approaches, coming up the grassy hill towards him. "Stan, my man, what's up?"

"Enough," Stan huffs apathetically as soon as he's in range of speaking without having to yell. Kenny bites his lip, hoping he won't have reason to stop smiling. Maybe Stan's here to apologize, say that he overreacted and that Kenny can definitely make friends with Kyle.

Maybe he's here to say he changed his mind and that he's gonna tell the whole school about his crush, especially Kyle. Kenny really hopes that's not the case. Stan comes right up and stops in front of him, crossing his arms and breathing a little heavily from the strain of climbing the semi-steep hill. Poor kid and his asthma, following him all the way up to senior year.

"Kyle told me about P.E." Kenny drops the smile and hopes he doesn't look like a deer in headlights. Wow, what a way to start off the conversation. Really? When did Kyle have time to tell him? He doesn't have Chemistry with them, and Stan was just hanging out around the football field and not Kyle, correct?

"When?" Kenny asks in interest, trying to keep his voice from quavering the way Stan would love to hear. The intimidation is stifling, and Kenny really wants a way out, but the way Stan's eyes are just pinning him there, holding him to the spot, is really unavoidable, and makes it about ten times harder to cope with. Stan rolls his head over his neck in response to Kenny's question, tilting back and showing the underside of his jaw as he regards Kenny out the bottom of his vision. Kenny feels trapped. He swallows.

"I caught him in the middle of fourth. We were both wandering the halls. We got talking and he told me everything. How you blew up when Cartman threw the ball in his face, how you defended him, how you apologized later for snapping at him..." Stan picks at a hangnail in intense interest, glancing nonchalantly up at Kenny, who's staring back in something close to horror. "He thought it was weird, Kenny. Said you're not usually like that around him. So timid, caring... or so he told." The glimmer in his eye turns deadly sharp as he lowers his hands and stares straight at Kenny, piercing him. Kenny almost winces and takes a step back at the utter intensity he finds there. It's warning, it's threat.

"He's beginning to suspect, Kenny. He's going to find out if you're not careful. Your whole world could fall apart." He speaks lightly, airily, chin raising ever so slightly, but his words hold such deadweight that Kenny feels he'll sink to the bottom of the ocean and be crushed by the pressure. Everything is casual about Stan, except for the overwhelming stare he has locked around him. "You know what I suggest? What could put you back in your place, all safe and cuddly cozy?"

Kenny doesn't answer. Stan leans in close, threatening, jaw jutting out with the heavy pull of his words, and Kenny stills, going completely rigid in the suspense and pressure. "I think you should back off. Stay away, keep your goddamn distance, and act as if Kyle is not the best thing that's ever happened to you, because if you don't, I'll make sure he'll have been the worst thing that's ever happened to you."

Something hard raises in Kenny's throat, like a lump, and Kenny swallows deeply, trying to beat it down, with no results. Stan backs away, having effectively gotten the message across, casting one last threatening glare in Kenny's direction before turning on his heel and heading back down to the football field.

Kenny remains frozen, shocked and scared, trying to ignore the racing panic shooting through his veins, infiltrating him and filling him up in occupied spaces so he'll explode. The strain, he can feel it pulling at the edges of his brain, hooked into the flaps of skin, stretching them out until they tear at the seams, leaving him exposed for everyone to see. He doesn't want that, no. He wants closure, security, safety. He wants a hollow in which he can curl up and hide from everything, keeping the burning life of his secret safe. Its pulsing rays are now in danger, and he's so afraid it'll just burst and spread like a fatal disease, going on and on until nowhere is safe, until his hollow is stormed and burnt to the ground. No, no, he doesn't want that, not at all. But his secret light is a time bomb, see, ready to explode and expose itself to the world anyhow, so is anything really safe? Really?

No.

So it's a risk factor, whatever he does. He could keep it bottled up until the insane pressure just bursts forth, releasing everything he's fought so hard to keep to himself, or he could swallow down the fear and take a chance, see if he can make it all work out in the end. Everything does, right? At times, no, but other times, yes. Maybe this could be one of those other times. Maybe it could be a miracle of sorts, or something along the lines of that. Maybe this could work.

It's hard. So, so hard. He supposes he knew this day would come eventually, right? He wasn't going to sit back and wait forever, right? He needed this push forward, this exposition. And now that he has it, he's going to take it by the reins and ride it to all ends of the universe, see where he stops. Sure, he has the means of control, and he'll try to steer it into the direction he thinks he wants, but in all reality, he's just not so sure he'll make it. Aim for the moon; if you miss, at least you'll hit the stars. Something like that, right?

God, this is not going to be easy.

Alright, here we go. This chapter took so long because when I finally got my butt down to write it, it became the goths, and I have absolutely NO idea how to write them, so please excuse my epic failure. This is probably going to be the only chapter featuring them, just because I have no confidence in my ability to write them, and I swear the word conformis comes up in there like fifty times and I'm sorry for being so redundant in that respect. But now that I go back and look at it, I put WAY too much background on them to ONLY have them in one chapter, so they might just pop in every now and then. Unless you all hate them, because then I'm just completely done with them. Also I had no idea of their names, only vague ideas from other things I've read, and I guess I kind of stole Blood, but I have absolutely no idea what his real name is so I just used that. And I THINK the kid's name is Georgie, I'm not even close to positive, so don't judge me.

ALSO I'm really happy with those last two or three paragraphs or so. I was starting to think I was losing my ability to create obscure detail that means nothing, like in the first chapter, so I guess I'm pretty happy with that. PleasepleasePLEASE review, it would really really really really make me happy. Favorites are flattering, but it kind of makes me hate you when you take the time to read and like without taking the time to review. So PLEASE. I'm BEGGING you. DO NOT DENY ME SOB.