Project H: Twilight
By Panicattack/ Project H
Author's note: I wrote this when the Half-Blood Prince release was held back by 8 months and I was left without a parody to write. I currently don't have plans for any other parodies from the Twilight series but that may change in the future. A reviewer suggested that perhaps I should release my fanfics in chapters to make them easier to read, so I'm testing that theory out with this story. I'll release it in 4 parts, with each chapter coming about a week after the last. Enjoy
Part 1
Bella narrating: I never gave much thought to how I would die. Old age, gas explosion, death by laughter, smothered to death by Orlando Bloom as he makes love to me. They all seemed like a pretty good way to go
*Swan House*
Charlie: I've cleared some shelf space in the bathroom. I know what you girls are like
Bella: Thanks
Charlie: And I've cleared some shoe space in the closet
Bella: OK then
Charlie: And painted the whole interior of the house pink
Bella: I appreciate the effort
Charlie: Alright then, I'll leave you to it. You've probably got some romance novels to read and tubs of ice-cream to cry into
***
*Outside*
Charlie: *Pointing to truck* So what do you think? Sorry, I didn't have time to draw Hello Kitty all over it
Bella: I love it
Jacob: Hi, I'm Jacob. We used to make mud pies when we were little
Bella: We sure were immature
Jacob: Yeah, they're mud soufflés now. I fixed this car up myself
Bella: Really? Do you know a lot about cars?
Jacob: Eh, a little bit. It should work OK. You're not gonna need brakes, right?
***
*School*
Eric: Hi there, new girl. I'm the eyes, ears, nose and gall bladder of this place. Anything you need; tour guide, lunch date, gall bladder, I'm your man
Bella: I'm more a suffer in silence type
Eric: 'Suffer in Silence'; good headline for your feature in the school paper. You're front page news, baby. There was a school shooting last week but we can move that to page 5
Bella: No feature!
Eric: Alright, I'll just use you in the crossword. Down, 12 letters, girl who suffers in silence
***
*Canteen*
Angela: *Takes picture* Just getting some snaps for your feature
Bella: Make sure you get my good side
Angela: Well that certainly wouldn't be the outside. Would you mind taking off all your clothes and sprawling across a motorcycle?
Eric: No Angela, that's just for new teachers. Besides, Bella doesn't want a feature
Angela: I guess we'll have to do another editorial on teen drinking
Bella: You could always go for eating disorders of people sitting directly to my right
Jessica: *Stops eating*
Bella: Or speedo padding on the swim team
Jessica: *Stops padding her speedo*
*The Cullens walk by*
Bella: Who are they?
Angela: The Cullens. They can't walk into a room all at once or they cause everyone to instantly orgasm
Jessica: They're Dr Cullen's foster kids, but they're all dating each other. I'm not even sure that's legal. It sure is sexy though; I wish I had a brother who wanted to sleep with me
Bella:…
Angela:…
Jessica: I don't mean in a weird way
Bella: Who's that guy?
Jessica: Edward Cullen, totally gorgeous. I wish he was my cousin or something
Bella: Please stop talking
Angela: That's nothing; you should read her Brady Bunch fan fiction
***
*Biology class*
Bella: *Walks in front of fan*
Edward: *Holds nose*
Bella: I guess you're not a fan of…fans
Edward: *Keeps holding nose*
Bella: I guess it makes a nice change of pace from most boys around here who need to cross their legs when I come near them
Edward: *Runs off*
Other boys: *Will need a few minutes before they'll be able to*
***
*Café*
Waitress: Here's your garden burger, Bella
Charlie: Sorry Bells, I didn't have a chance to draw flowers on it in ketchup for you
Waylon: Remember me, Bella? I played Santa one year
Charlie: She hasn't had a Christmas here since she was four
Waylon: I bet I left an impression, though
Waitress: Butt crack Santa
Waylon: And you never even got to see Prince Albert Easter Bunny
***
*Bella's room. Bella on phone with mother*
Renee: If Phil's spring training goes well we could be moving to Florida
Phone: Please insert a dollar twenty-five for an additional three minutes
Bella: Mum, what happened to your cell?
Renee: I'm not sure it makes phone calls. It takes photos, plays songs and microwaves meals, but I'll be damned if I can work out how to call you on it
Phone: Please insert a dollar twenty-five to ask a patronising question
Renee: Are the kids at school being nice to you?
Bella: They're….very welcoming
Phone: Please insert a dollar twenty-five to pretend to care
Renee: Uh oh, tell me all about it
Bella: It doesn't even matter. I've got homework to do
Phone: Please insert a dollar twenty-five to give up and go back to your cute new husband
Renee: OK then. Bye, honey *hangs up*
Phone: Please insert a dollar twenty-five to sit miserably in this dark room and obsess about a boy who clearly doesn't like you
Bella: Oh shut up
***
*Biology class*
Edward: Hello. I didn't get a chance to introduce myself last week what with all the nose holding and running away I was doing. I'm Edward Cullen
Mr Molinga: You've got onion root tip cells on your microscope slides. I want you to sort them into the stages of Mitosis while making awkward conversation with each other with the occasional sexual advance. Don't be afraid to put your hand on their knee and slowly slide it up while talking about the weather
Edward: *Puts hand on Bella's knee* So are you enjoying the rain?
Bella: I don't like cold, wet things
Edward: *Quickly removes hand* If you hate the cold and wet, why did you move her?
Bella: My mum remarried…
Edward: Her new husband was cold and wet?
Bella: No, he's really nice
Edward: Metaphase
Bella: No, Phil
Edward: I meant the slide. Why didn't you move with your mother and Phil?
Bella: Phil plays baseball and moves around a lot
Edward: I'm sorry for all the questions; you're very difficult to read. I'll need to question you here for another couple of hours to figure you out
Bella: Your eyes are a different colour. Did you get contacts?
Edward: Goodbye *leaves*
***
*Car park*
Van: *Skids*
Bella: *Panics*
Edward: *Stops van*
Bella: Wow! No seriously, did you get contacts?
Edward: Goodbye *leaves*
***
*Hospital*
Tyler: I'm so sorry, Bella
Charlie: Consider your licence gone, young man. You've got two good strong legs there; I'd hate to see one of them end up broken
Bella: Dad, I'm fine
Charlie: You've got a real nice family, Tyler. It'd be a shame if something were to happen to them
Carlisle: Well Bella, you may suffer some disorientation but you should be fine
Bella: It would have been worse if not for Edward. He got to me so fast it was amazing
Carlisle: Really? Say, he didn't happen to bite anyone's throat and drain them of all their blood, did he?
Bella: No, why do you ask?
Carlisle: No reason. Anything else I can help you with?
Bella: Did Edward get contacts?
Carlisle: Goodbye *leaves*
*Hallway*
Bella: Edward, can I have a word?
Edward: OK, but only one word
Bella: Uh…van?
Edward: Good choice
Bella: How did you get to me so fast?
Edward: I didn't. I was right next to you. And I barely even did anything. In fact, it wasn't me at all, it was someone else dressed like me. It wasn't a van that almost hit you; it was a low flying bird. Vans haven't even been invented yet. I don't go to your school. This isn't a hospital, it's a bakery. This has all been a crazy dream, we never had this conversation, and my eyes never changed colour *leaves*
Bella: What a nutter. I'm totally gonna marry that guy
***
*Car park*
Bella thinking: Edward + Van + Speed = Something strange going on
Mike: Look at you, huh? You're alive, which will make our prom date a lot less awkward
Bella: Sorry, what?
Mike: Would you like to go to the prom with me?
Bella: Oh, um, I can't. I'm doing something that weekend. I'm going to be out of town. There actually isn't going to be a prom, this is just a crazy dream. You should ask Jessica, I know she wants to go with you
Mike: I thought she was going with her uncle from interstate…
Mr Molinga: Come on everyone, time to go. Cullens, we've provided you with a special bus that as requested won't travel through sunlight
***
*Greenhouse*
Mr Molinga: Egg shells, carrot tops, banana peels. I don't know why I ordered that last night at the Chinese restaurant, but that isn't your concern
Edward: Why are you going out of town?
Bella: Why do you suck?
Edward: Interesting you would ask that, but you didn't answer my question
Bella: Answer mine first
Edward: I don't suck
Bella: How did you stop the van? I know it wasn't a dream because you had clothes on when you stopped it
Edward: I had an adrenaline rush, you can Google it. Don't use Wikipedia though, I went on it last night and filled it with dirty words. Also, I'm like the fastest kid on my block and can hold my breath underwater for like forever. Wanna see me pick up Eric?
Jessica: Bella, guess who just asked me to the prom? Mike. He might be the first boy I kiss who I haven't shared a womb with
Eric: *Holding a worm on a stick* Bella, look. It's a worm
Bella: On the stick or holding it?
Eric: In some Asian cultures, presenting a girl with a worm on a stick is a proposal of marriage
Edward: We shouldn't be friends
Bella: All you've done so far is be rude to me and run from me. What great friends we're becoming. Why do you keep coming up to me and starting weird conversation?
Edward: Eh, adrenaline rush?
Alice: Bella, will you be riding with us?
Edward: We don't have a bus *hurls bus into forest*
Bella: That's OK. I was going to take the other bus anyway
Edward: *Throws other bus into forest*
Bella:…I see
***
*Canteen*
Eric: Hey baby, are you in?
Bella: Normally the girl asks the guy that
Mike: He means La Push beach, we're all heading up there tomorrow
Jessica: Yeah, there's a big swell coming in
Bella: Which is what the guy normally says next *starts playing with salad*
Edward: Edible art? I make sure to check in advance since that time I devoured the Venus de Milo. She used to have arms
Bella: What do you want?
Edward: You should stay away from me
Bella: I know, but you keep coming up to me and talking
Edward: It's called mixed messages, you can Google it
Bella: You can also Google 'stalker'
Edward: Any other theories?
Bella: Radioactive spiders, kryptonite, steroids, but I'm pretty confident with stalker. We're going to La Push tomorrow. You should come
Edward: Yes, a girl normally does say that to a guy, but I think I'll pass
Bella: You don't like the beach
Edward: I don't like cold, wet things
TO BE CONTINUED…