MAY 2007

I hate when doctors sit there and stare at you for a hundred years before they tell you bad news. It just makes you wait longer for what you already know is coming.

I also hate it when my best friend sits there and stares at me for a hundred years before he tells mebad news.

Edward sat there on the couch, just staring at me. His green eyes were really big and sad. His hair had grown quite a bit so he didn't need to wear that baseball cap anymore. He was still skinny, though. He never really filled back out.

"They're not going to do chemo again," He finally said. "It's quality of life over quantity now."

I couldn't speak. He couldn't be serious. He was only thirteen years old, I was only thirteen years old! That's way too young to die, and way too young to lose your best friend to cancer.

I finally found my voice. "No!"

All the things he would never get to do, all the things he would never get to see, all the things we would never get to do together, they all came flashing through my brain in a few seconds. Never graduate high school, never go to college, never get married, never drive a car, never climb a mountain, never…

"No, no, no, no, no…" I wasn't crying, but I wasn't holding it together either.

He kept talking. "They gave me six to nine months. That's plenty of time, right?" His smile had no meaning and his soft laugh had no humor.

My mouth opened to say something, but nothing came out. My voice was gone again.

JUNE 2007

"I'm gonna beat you to the fort!" Edward taunted me as we ran through the woods.

He was probably right. He had longer legs than me and always could run faster. But I was a better climber, so he had to put as much distance between the two of us while we were running as he could, or else I would catch up when we were climbing the big old tree.

We tumbled through the door of the fort, out of breath and smiling. We had built this fort during the summer after third grade. Well, our parents had done most of the work, but we designed it. We wanted a place where we could go and hang out, away from our parents, and play look-out.

Now, it was the summer before eighth grade. Neither of us would ever admit to anyone, even under threat of Indian Burn, that we still went to the fort. Not that anyone else knew about the fort, but still. We only went there when we needed to escape from the world. From the world of doctors and needles and tests and results.

I perched on the edge of the wall, my feet hanging over the side. It was a long way down, but I held onto the post that supported the roof.

"Careful, Beauty." Edward was leaning against the trunk of the old tree that ran right through the middle of the floor and up through the ceiling and continued out the top of the roof.

He called me Beauty, because my name is Bella, like Belle in Beauty and the Beast. Naturally, I called him Beast.

Suddenly, I wanted to run. I wanted to run until my lungs burned and my legs shook. I never wanted to stop.

"Go." Said Edward. I must have had that running look on my face.

I crawled through the door and slipped down the tree, and I was gone before his echoing voice faded away through the trees, "Faster, B! Faster!"

JULY 2007

BOOM! BOOM BOOM! BA-BOOM!

"The best place to watch fireworks is flat on your back," Edward said to me, his face glowing red and orange and green in the light of the fireworks blooming above us.

I sat up and grabbed two popsicles. For once it wasn't raining on the fourth of July, something virtually unheard of in the Pacific Northwest.

"Grape or cherry?"

He looked at me like I was insane. I handed him the cherry one.

"Eww, grape!" He teased, as I ripped the plastic off and put the popsicle in my mouth.

"At least it doesn't make me look like I'm wearing lipstick!" I mumbled from around the frozen treat.

His straight face faltered momentarily and he said "Well, at least mine doesn't make my mouth look like a giant bruise!"

I grinned at him, showing off my purple teeth.

BOOM BA-BOOM! BOOM!

"Will you miss me?"

I didn't react, but I was scared to hear him ask me that.

I nodded my head yes, but said "No."

Edward knew you always go with what the head says, not what the mouth says.

AUGUST 2007

Our school was packed with people. August 21st, the day we all went to pick up our schedules and find out what classes we had with whom. More to the point, everyone saw who had gotten what haircut over the summer, who was wearing what style, and who was now dating whom.

Edward was not with me. He had spiked a fever and was in the hospital. I had never gone to Schedule Day alone before, and I was lonesome for my best friend.

I went to the table that had a sign that said "M through Z".

"Last name?" Said the bored lady behind the table.

"Swan."

She flipped through numerous schedules, finally pulling one out. "Isabella?"

"No," I said, and took the schedule from her. I walked away ignoring her protests. My name was Bella, not Isabella. My name was Beauty, B, Edward's best friend. Nobody called me Isabella.

I walked back toward the door. As I went I passed by a group of girls whispering to each other. They were whispering about Edward.

"He relapsed last spring." "That's, like, so sad!" "He's gonna die, you know." "He's best friends with a girl!"

I changed direction and shoved through the group of them. "Whoops," I mumbled as I went. I hoped none of them were in any of my classes.

SEPTEMBER 2007

My butt was asleep, there was a dull ache in my leg muscles from being coiled up so tightly for so long, and my stomach kept growling, but I didn't move from my spot on the floor outside Edward's hospital room. He had spiked a fever again, the third time in two months. He was in there, talking to his mom. Neither of them knew I could hear the conversation and I intended to keep it that way.

"You should talk about it, Edward. It's not healthy for you to hold things in anymore." His mother's voice was like a frown, turning down at the ends.

"I don't want to talk about it! I just want to live, Mom. As much as I can, I just want to live."

Later, when I went into his room, he was alone.

"They're sending me home in the morning," He told me. "My fever broke last night. Today was just a 'make sure' day. I'll be back at school by Thursday."

"I'll come over tomorrow," I said to him.

He smiled at me, his green eyes lit up and his mouth went up more on one side than it did on the other. "'Kay. We can play Monopoly if you want. You can be the boot."

"No," I said. "You can."

"No," He said back. "You can!"

"No… Okay."

He laughed at me, and it took longer for him to catch his breath when he stopped than it ever had before.

OCTOBER 2007

Loud crunching sounds came from under my shoes as I scuffed and kicked through a pile of leaves in the gutter. "We're the oldest ones out here!" I lamented to Edward as we passed another group of five and six-year-olds wearing witch and ghost costumes, carrying orange plastic jack-o-lanterns to collect their candy.

"So?" Edward retorted. He was dressed as George W. Bush, eliciting both good and bad reactions from the parents of the young trick-or-treaters. Edward had wanted to be daring. He wanted to "go out with a bang," as he put it. Well, he certainly was getting attention!

"So… we look weird!"

"No, you look pretty. You make a good pirate, B. I look weird!" His voice was muffled behind his big-eared mask.

"Yeah, you must look weird, because I have more candy than you do."

"Mmm…" Edward said, and led me up to a door. He rang the bell and when the person answered, Edward grabbed a huge handful of candy and took off. I did the same.

"Now we'll see who gets more candy!" He yelled as he ran.

But later, when we emptied out our candy onto the floor in my living room, I still had twenty-one more pieces than he did.

NOVEMBER 2007

Six months. Six months to the day that Edward got his six-to-nine-month life expectancy. I didn't say so, but all day long I had been expecting him to just keel over and die. I knew that wasn't how it worked, but the thought wouldn't leave my head.

We walked through the woods, our hands stuffed into our jacket pockets. We couldn't run anymore, Edward got too tired. Our breath hung in the air and the thin winter sunlight glinted off Edward's hair, bringing out the red.

When we finally made it to the fort, I took my usual perch on the edge of the wall, and Edward leaned against the tree like he always did. We were silent for several minutes.

"What do you think it's like to kiss on the lips?" Edward finally said.

I turned around to look at him so fast that I almost fell out of the fort, out of the tree.

"Shit!" Edward swore and rushed forward to catch me. I didn't actually fall, but his hands stayed on my waist anyway. I turned around on the wall, maneuvering my long gangly legs so they rested on either side of him.

"I don't know. I've never done it."

"Me neither," He whispered.

I leaned in quickly and kissed him. It was awkward and sweet, clumsy and unfamiliar, not perfect and real. It was nice.

So I did it again.

DECEMBER 2007

The floor was littered with wrapping paper and ribbons. It looked like a graveyard of Santa Clauses, candy canes and gingerbread men. The Christmas tree, decorated with every single handmade and store-bought ornament, twinkled merrily in the corner of the room, casting a magical glow over everything.

Edward was on the couch, wrapped in a fleece blanket. He was always cold these days. My dad said it was because he had no body fat on him.

We had this Swan-Cullen Christmas bash every year, but this year had been the most extravagant. More decorations than usual, different food, countless presents for everyone.

Edward and I were alone. Our parents had gone into the next room to give us some privacy.

"I, uh, waited to give you this one." Edward handed me a small box, wrapped in the comics from the Sunday paper.

I opened it, reading the Peanuts cartoon as I did. Inside was a small cardboard box.

"I sent away for it," He told me. "Cost me eight months of cereal box tops, plus shipping."

It was one of those rubber bracelets, the kind that comes in a zillion different colors with twice as many different sayings on them. They had yellow ones for Lance Armstrong, pink ones for breast cancer awareness, blue ones for domestic violence.

The one Edward gave me was red and it said, "Tale As Old As Time" with a little rose next to the words.

"Song as old as rhyme," I whispered, my eyes so full of water that I couldn't even see his face anymore. The whole room looked like a huge glowing Christmas light.

He smiled at me. Beauty and the Beast.

JANUARY 2008

I hadn't left the hospital in almost two weeks. I needed a shower, I was seriously famished and my clothes were so rumpled I looked like I had just fallen out of a laundry bag.

My best friend was dying, right before my eyes, and there wasn't a blessed thing I could do about it.

"B." Edward's soft voice brought me on the run from where I had been standing by the window, looking out at the late-January snow.

I ran back and leapt onto the bed from three feet away. "What? Are you okay? Do you need me to get a nurse for you?"

"No, if I needed… a nurse I would… push the call button. I wanted to ask… you something." His breathing was uneven. I knew it wouldn't be long now.

I blinked hard. "Sure. You can ask me anything."

"I want you to do something for me."

A lone sob escaped my control. "Anything."

He licked his dry lips and tried to sit up. I helped him by pushing the button to raise the head of the hospital bed.

"You say 'no' a lot, Bella. Too much. Like, when someone… asks you to do something you… say no most of the time. Or if… someone asks you if you like… something. You say no, even… if you do."

"No I don't," I started to say, but stopped. I was only proving his point if I argued.

"So…" He went on. "I want you to go an entire day… just saying yes. Use your judgment, B, 'cause… I know you have some. But just try saying yes. Just… for one day."

I nodded, and the tears fell.

"Will you do that for me?"

"Yes."

FEBRUARY 11th 2007

January 28th was the funeral. I didn't even cry. Everyone kept asking me if I was okay. I said yes, which was a lie, but I didn't consider it part of Edward's request. And anyway, Edward's request wouldn't have included funerals of the requester, I was sure.

Today is Yes Day. I cut class and went downtown instead. The snow had melted three days after Edward's funeral. I was going to spend the day wandering around, looking for opportunities to say yes for Edward. I missed him like crazy, so bad that I thought I was going to die too, but I couldn't let myself sit and mope like what most people do. I was mourning, but not in the generic way. Edward always said I marched to the beat of my own drum.

I got on the bus.

"All zone?" Asked the driver, taking my money.

"Yes." I answered, and it felt good. That one's for you, Beast.

I went to the library on 9th Avenue. It's a humongous old building with ornate architecture and five floors.

"Do you need help finding anything?" Asked the reference librarian on the third floor.

"Yes," I said. "I want books on treehouse design."

I checked out three books, one on treehouses specifically, one on architecture and one on Do-It-Yourself techniques. I put them in my backpack and left.

I went to a fish market.

"Do you want to try throwing a fish, little miss?" Asked a big man wearing an apron made out of the same stuff as raincoats are made of.

"Yes," I answered. The fish was heavy, he had to help me lift it.

"One, two, THREE!" He counted, and on three we heaved the fish together toward another guy wearing a matching apron.

The first man looked at me. He had nice eyes, fatherly eyes. "What are you doing down here, anyway? Shouldn't you be in school?"

"Yes," I said. "But I'm spending the day with my best friend, Edward."

"Where is he?"

"Heaven," I said, smiling.

The guy's face fell.

"Thank you," I said, as I left. I took the bus back to my neighborhood, and cut between houses into the woods. I dropped my backpack at the base of the big old tree, and I took off. I ran as fast and as hard as I could, dodging trees and leaping over rocks in my way. The cold air stung my face and my hair blew straight back.

I ran until my lungs were burning and my legs were shaking, but I still kept running. The late afternoon sun filtered down through the trees, and as I ran I could almost hear him calling after me, "Faster, B! Faster!"

AUGUST 2008

It was a long and lonely summer without Edward. I hardly remember most of it. I remember going around places with my parents, trying to pretend that I didn't think of Edward a zillion times a day. I remember biting my lip so hard it bled because I wanted to cry every time we passed the hospital.

It's schedule day for high school. I thought schedule day for eighth grade was bad without Edward, I don't even know what to do with this one.

I miss him, everyone knows I do. But he's gone, and no one can bring him back.

SEPTEMBER 2008

This school is a maze. Who in the world designed the layout for this place? I couldn't find any of my classrooms and I had to ask upperclassmen where they were. Thankfully, none of them looked at me like I was dumb. I guess they remembered their first day of ninth grade too.

"Hi! You look lost. Me too! It's lunch, but I can't find the cafeteria. Do you know where it is?"

I didn't know who just spoke to me, but when I turned around, the girl I saw exactly fit the voice I had heard. She was petite, smiley and very well put together in her boot-cut jeans, purple hoodie under a short black pea coat, and little tan moccasins. I coveted those moccasins.

"Um, no, I don't know where it is."

She grinned. "Awesome. I'm Alice. What's your name? Wait! I don't even have to know right now, I just know we'll be friends. Come on, Nameless Girl! I'm starved."

OCTOBER 2008

"I don't know Alice… Halloween? Uh, aren't we kind of old?"

I remembered saying the same thing to Edward last year. My chest tightened when I thought of that.

Alice screeched at me through the phone. "No! You're never too old. Besides, it's a party, not playing dress-up. It'll be fun. Please?"

Alice's parents were going out of town. One of their grandmothers had just died, and Alice and her sister Rosalie couldn't miss school. Alice was throwing a party for Halloween, which I was apprehensive about.

I flopped back on my bed. I knew Halloween parties meant sexy costumes and drunk people.

Before I could say anything, Alice said, "don't worry. I don't think there'll be much drinking. My sister won't let me drink, and if other people sneak in booze, she'll find it and get rid of it."

"Okay, okay," I conceded. "But I am not dressing up as a sexy nurse!"

"But-"

"Forget it. No."

NOVEMBER 2008

I was missing Edward terribly. I remembered this time last year we were in the fort and he kissed me. It was my first kiss, and his first and last kiss.

I was sitting on the bleachers by the track. I felt so lost. I didn't know what to do. I was crying and the tears were ice cold on my face.

I heard his voice in my head. "Go. Run."

My head snapped up.

"Go. Run. It's what makes you happy."

I remembered that conversation. He wanted me to go run and I wanted to stay with him.

Who was I not to listen to him?

I climbed off the bleachers and took off around the track. My hair blew straight back and I ran until my legs screamed and my lungs ached. I ran around and around the track as fast as I could, and even when my speed slowed I still pushed myself as hard as I could.

Eventually I stumbled and fell to my knees on the track. Panting, I rested my forehead on the cold black rubber.

"Bella Swan?" I heard a female voice call my name. I looked up. The P.E. teacher, Coach Meyer, was striding towards me.

I quickly stood up. She approached me rapidly, and took in the sight of me, standing there panting in my jeans, converse and pea coat that matched Alice's.

She looked me in the eye and smiled. "That was impressive. You ever consider running track?"

DECEMBER 2008

I was at Alice's for Christmas Eve. I couldn't handle seeing the Cullens. They were at my parents house for the usual Christmas get-together but I couldn't deal with it. My mom said they understood.

Alice and I were painting our toenails in her room. She had put up Christmas lights all around her walls and they cast a soft glow in the room. I remembered the glow of the lights on the tree illuminating Edward's hair. My eyes filled with tears. I was embarrassed and willed them to seep back into my head.

"Bella?" Alice said, without looking up from the bright blue toenail polish she was applying.

"Hmm?" I didn't look up either.

"Why don't you ever talk about him?"

I was stunned. I almost dropped the nail polish brush.

"Well, um, I guess… I guess it's because he's gone and there isn't anything anyone can do about that. Talking about him won't bring him back. It - It just makes me miss him…"

My eyes welled up again and I stared intently down at my toenails, 8 of which were painted lime green.

"But," Alice said. "If you don't talk about him, his memory will die too."

I stared at her for a minute. The emotions were boiling up inside and it was becoming excruciating.

"Bella?" She questioned, and then I fell apart.

I cried so hard. I was barely aware of Alice taking the brush out of my hand. She pulled me against her and I cried my heart out on her shoulder. It felt like my heart was ripping in half.

"It hurts s-so much! Alice I - I hurt so much inside. I can't even d-deal with it!" I was hiccupping and sobbing and I was so embarrassed but I just couldn't care. I figured that if Alice was still there after this then I knew for sure I could trust her.

When I was all cried out, Alice said, "Don't worry. He didn't leave because he wanted to. It wasn't his choice. He is gone, you're right. But I'm here, and I'm not going anyplace."

JANUARY 2009

Winter formal was usually held before Christmas, but we had a snow day on the Friday it was scheduled for, so they rescheduled it for late January.

Alice and I were at the mall. God help me.

Alice had already found a dress, but I was having a little trouble. We had already tried a few stores and then we went to this little store that was off the main concourse. Almost immediately after we walked in, Alice freaked out.

"It's here! I don't know where, but the dress is here somewhere!"

It didn't take long. And I found it before Alice did. I held it up, a fairly short silvery dress that clung tight to the upper body but fell loose from the waist to about mid thigh. I was taller than some and I knew I had fairly long legs so I knew just about where the dress would hit on me. The bottom of the skirt was cut

unevenly so it almost looked like Tinkerbell's skirt, only silver. It was strapless. It looked like some kind of modern tutu.

Alice went berserk. "That's it! Oh, it's perfect! Bella, you have got to get that one."

I did. And I knew what Edward would have said if he was there. He would have said it was too short, and I wouldn't have listened. That's just the way things worked.

The dance was scheduled for January 28th, and I felt horrible because up until the day of the dance I had forgotten that it was the anniversary of Edward's funeral.

FEBRUARY 2009

School was going along smoothly. The transition from junior high to high school had the potential to be a rough one, but Alice had prevented that for me.

I didn't expect anything from Valentine's day. Our school did the Valentine Gram things where people could pay a dollar and have a heart-shaped lollipop sent to someone during classes. I sent one to Alice, she sent one to me. I expected to only get one, but then in History class, the Valentine Gram deliverer, who came in every class, called my name again. The lollipop said, "To Bella Swan. From Jacob Black."

I couldn't believe it. Jacob Black was a sophomore. He was really cute. Tall, tan, dark hair, really nice eyes. Alice and I had both crushed on him at the beginning of the year. I knew Alice would go absolutely nuts when she found out. I winced, imagining the shrillness of her squeal and the vise-like hug I was sure to receive.

When Jacob approached me after school and asked me to the Valentine's day dance, I said, "Yes."

I remembered my promise to Edward. I told him I would say Yes.

MARCH 2009

The Cullens were moving. My mom told me at breakfast and I instantly felt sick.

Esme and Carlisle came over that afternoon. They cried and I cried too. I asked them why.

"The house holds too many memories, sweetheart. Every day we are reminded of him."

I wanted to say Me too! Every single day! Everything I see makes me think of him! But I knew why they were leaving. It just hurt too much. I didn't think they'd be able to outrun the memories, but I didn't say so.

A few weeks later, their moving truck was packed. They came to say goodbye. My eyes were so full of tears I could hardly see to hug them. While Carlisle said goodbye to my parents, Esme hugged me hard. Wiping her eyes quickly, she reached into her purse and pulled out a little box.

"We got this for you, Carlisle, Edward and I, right before he died. It was Edward's idea. He told us to give it to you when the time was perfect. You can open it now or open it later, that's up to you. I love you Bella, keep in touch with us, promise?"

I nodded, taking the box.

When I was alone in my room later, I slowly opened the box. Laying on a cotton bed inside was a gold necklace. The pendant was in the shape of a heart and when I looked closer, I could see that etched into the gold was the silhouette of a picture.

I gasped.

The picture was of us! When we were little, we had gone to the beach. Someone's parents had taken a picture of Edward and me, standing at the shore, his arm around my shoulder and mine around his waist, staring out at the sea. The silhouette was us. On the other side it said, Edward Was Here. I knew he meant my heart.

He was right, he was always in my heart.

APRIL 2009

I was training every day for track. The final meet was coming up in May. I was so stressed. Every day I would wake up at five to go running. Back home by six. Showered, dressed and ready by half past six and on the bus to school at five till seven. School started at 7:15, which I thought was cruel and unusual punishment for teenagers. Everyone knows that teenagers want to sleep until at least eleven every day.

After school, I had track practice until 6:00. Straggle home or to Alice's, take a shower, have dinner and then start homework by 7:30. We had at least 3 to 4 hours of homework per night, more if we had to study for a test.

By the end of April I was ready to drop, and I got sick.

It was awful. I thought I was dying. My fever got to 104 and I was hallucinating. I thought I saw Edward, and he tapped me on the forehead and said, "Quit being a baby." His impish grin lit up his face and I smiled too.

It turns out I didn't die, of course. I just had the flu. And by the time May rolled around, I was ready for the meet. Well, as ready as I was ever going to be.

MAY 2009

I stood at the start line.

Once around, just once around, that's all.

I looked up in the bleachers and saw my parents, Alice and Jacob waving at me. I smiled and waved back, looking confident but my heart was racing.

Around me, the girls I would be racing were getting into position. I did too.

"Marks!"

I crouched.

"Set!"

I balanced on my toes, my hands on the track.

BANG!

The gun went off.

I ran.

I ran as hard and as fast as I could. I felt my stride smooth out and my muscles find their rhythm and I just went. I let myself go. My body knew what to do.

I didn't look to the right or to the left. I rounded the first corner and felt the familiar tilt of my body as I compensated for the turn. The first corner blended into the second corner and then I had a straightaway. My blood pounded in my ears and my feet propelled me along the track in perfect sync with each other.

I didn't hear anything. I didn't see anything but where I was going. I had no idea where the other people were in comparison to me. I found the third corner. My muscles were aching and I loved it. I loved that feeling.

I rounded the fourth corner. I raced toward the finish line at a dead sprint. My hair blew straight back and my lungs burned for air. I still had a little ways to go. I thought, for the briefest second that I wasn't going to make it. Then I heard him.

Faster B! Faster!

I blew past the finish line. Gasping for air, I dropped to my knees, threw my head back and put my hands on my head like Coach Meyer taught us. I was almost instantly surrounded by my parents, my best friend and my boyfriend.

"BELLA!" Alice screeched right in my face. "You won! You won!"

I grinned.

"Awesome job, babe." Jacob leaned in over Alice's head to peck me on the lips.

My mom hugged me, and Alice as well since she was in the way, and my dad ruffled my hair.

Then, I was totally floored. From the bleachers walked Carlisle and Esme Cullen.

Alice, Jacob and my parents backed off slowly, letting Edward's parents and I have a moment.

Esme wrapped me in a hug. "Esme," I protested. "I'm all sweaty! I'll get your clothes smelly."

Esme laughed. "I don't care. Bella, sweetie, you were amazing. I've never seen you run so fast. Edward told me you were fast but I had no idea… no idea."

I looked at her.

"Bella, we are so proud of how far you have come in a year and four months. Edward would be so proud of you. So very proud."

I reached into the little hidden pocked inside my running shorts and pulled out the necklace they had given me. I held it in my open hand for them to see.

"He's always with me. See? He's never gone because we won't ever forget him. I told my friend Alice and my boyfriend Jacob about him. Now they know him too. See, Esme? You don't have to worry. He's still here. He'll always be here."

She knew I meant my heart.

And I was right. He would always be in my heart.