My name is Miley Stewart and I was a submissive, a pet, a slave, a toy, a cute accessory for my Mistress and that is the real me…the me I want to be and need to be in my life. Hannah was a sham as was Miley Stewart the clumsy unsocial girl. The real me is the lifestyle submissive who needs a Mistress to control her life and give her what she needs and craves. The domination, the structure, the orders, and the pain…oh the wonderful pain which is my addiction…my drug. I have been called a pain slut by some but I don't like that term…I prefer a pain nymphomaniac…as with a normal nympho who craves and even needs sex; I crave and need the pain. I could do without intercourse…without the penetration of my sex. Oh I enjoy it…don't think I don't…I enjoy it very much. But I don't need it. I get my greatest pleasure from three things. One is pleasing my Mistress in everyway and the other is my own sexual gratification from the pain and the wonderful feeling of that "subspace". That is what I need and I need it controlled. Like any true addict if left to my own devices I could overdose on my drug so I need someone to control it…to give it to me sparingly. The third pleasure I got in life was being Lilly Truscott's best friend. She was my only true friend, my protector, my own personal goddess I worshipped. But that all ended when my worlds collided.

I have chatted with other submissive people in real life or online or just those "curious" about the lifestyle and the curious ones or the "normal" people just don't understand me and who I am. At college I have no true friends…oh I have people I hang out with for dinner, the movies on occasion, or study with and some of them actually like me and have offered me their friendship but it is hard for me to interact with them until the rules have been set as to what I am for them. I like to explain it this way…put me I a room with three girls and tell me to please them in everyway and that my body belongs to them…their whims and desires…and I can do that 24/7 with no problem. But put me in a room with the same girls and tell me to make friends with them…then I am lost. I have no clue what to do until they set the role I am to play with them. If that role is friendship then I am fine. I will act as their friend but they have to set my place first. If not I will sit there and not say a word or join in any conversation unless a question is directed at me first. Is that right or wrong? Who am I to answer that question? I know it is who I am…who I want to be and who makes me happy even if love would never exist for me.

Oh not the love of family…I have that and love my family dearly. Not the love I have for Lilly…that I have for her even if she no longer has it for me. I mean romantic love…that silly idea. I loved Mistress that way…very much so…but she never loved me. She cared for me but she never loved me. I have realized sometime back that type of love will be forever denied me. People don't fall in love with a girl like me. They may care for me but it is not love. They see me as a play toy…a cute adorable doll to use and play with and put back on their shelf until they want to play with her again. I am fine with that…truly I am. I know who I am and I do not seek that love anymore. I don't even know if I ever wanted it. I am…was…happy with who I am…very happy.

Love? What is love and who decides who deserves it and who does not? Oh I believe in love. How could I not? I have seen true love in the eyes and actions of my mother and father. They loved one another so completely it was embarrassing to me to witness at times. I have seen love in how my adorable Lilly looks at the most hated Gabe and how he looks at her as much as it pained me to see it is there. I even see it in people in involved in the lifestyle I lead. Dominant and submissive who love one another and have a perfect balance between the dominance and the love, but for me that was not going to happen. I did not want that in my life. One day it might have happened, I may have seen someone at a distance or talk to someone and it may have hit me "God I love this person" but I would have fought and denied it until it overwhelmed me and I was forced to accept it. But not now…no I know it is too late for me to have that because of what I must do.

I loved Mistress…never think I did not. I loved her so completely and totally but she did not love me back. Oh yes she was very fond of me and showed me affection and caring but it was not love. Yes she would have me sit at her feet and pet and stroke me with the affection you show a favored pet while we watched movies or talked. That I had. But it was not love she had for me.

Affection? Yes I want that…I love affection and having Mistress "paw" me like her pet and I loved it! I loved the affection Allison gave me in out brief "romance" and how she allowed me to cuddle with her and while it confused me at times that she would allow me to give her kisses and hugs and cuddling without her permission I admit I adored that and it was nice and made me feel wanted, and while I wanted and enjoyed her affection I did not want her love…I wanted her domination but she never gave that to me, she was incapable of giving that to me so I hurt her and made her sad and I regret that…I never wanted to make her sad. But affection is not the same as love. Affection I want love I don't.

Well that is me and my brief summary of who I am. Hannah was a sham for me and so was the Miley Stewart, the clumsy unsocial high school girl. The real me is the pet. That is the person that makes me happy and the person I am proud to be. I am proud to be the perfectly trained submissive. That used to make me happy and proud...now I am not so sure after what I did with Lilly and seeing the look of disgust and pain on her face. I want two things in my life…Lilly Truscott to love me again and be my best friend again and for a Mistress I can love and respect to take care of me and give me what I need and in return I will please her in everyway she desires. But after two days ago I saw I could not have both and I cannot change. It is not either one or the other for me…it is all or nothing and I cannot have it all so I have to do what I must. I cannot live without both of those things in my life.

I was never ashamed of who I was…never think that! I was proud of who I was! I took great pride in being the well trained submissive who knew how to please her Mistress without question or complaint. I took pride in the fact that when I walked into those private play parties others saw how well trained and respectful I was and begged my Mistress to "play" with me. I was a "prize" for them to play with or allow their submissive to play with me as well…I had very few limits and I could handle the pain…and got off on the pain and during these "play sessions" I never used my safe word. I took pride in the fact when the night was done the other dominant would tell my Mistress how well behaved I was. How wonderful of a pet I was. How wonderfully I "played" and pleased. No…I was never ashamed of the real me until the day Lilly found out.

Of all the people in the world to find out about my second secret life Lilly was one I knew it would hurt the most. I knew she would not understand what I wanted…needed in a relationship. Seeing the disgust and even pity toward me in her eyes was more than I could ever live with. Her rejection of me and my love for her is something I cannot stand to have in my life. She is the most important thing in my life…the person I loved so much that I even put her needs in front of the needs of my Mistress and even though I was punished severely for it I never regretted it and would do it again even knowing what the consequences of my actions would be. Now that is gone…her love for me is no more due to her disgust of my lifestyle…that is the first pain and punishment I ever experienced that I cannot bear.

What I must do? I struggled on this for two days! It is not a spur of the moment choice but it is a choice I have to make. What other choice can mere mortals make when they anger the gods. I have always loved the Greek Myths and their stories and through them I have seen the outcome of when a mortal angers the gods. The Mighty Achilles, the greatest warrior the world as ever known who was almost immortal himself, angered the God Apollo when he slew Hector at the walls of Troy. He was slain by an arrow from the bow of Paris guided by the God Apollo himself. The cunning and wise Odysseus angered the God Poseidon and he went through ten years of hell to come home to his beloved wife Penelope. Cassandra, a princess of Troy and beautiful daughter of King Priam, angered the God Apollo by refusing his lusts and she was cursed with the gift of prophecy but no one would believe her and she was imprisoned for her gift and later taken as sex slave by the Greek King Agamemnon and the murdered far from her home. Even the Great Hercules, the son of the all powerful Zeus, angered Hera queen of the gods just for being born and he was cursed and slaughtered his own wife and children and had to suffer ten challenges for forgiveness. Yes when you anger the gods they demand sacrifice and that is what I must do. I angered my goddess Lilly and she turned her love and her back on me and now I know what I must do. I must give her the ultimate sacrifice to have her love me once more.

I don't know who will find this journal…I suspect my dad since I am sure he will be the first to find it. If not him and someone else…someone I don't know then I ask one thing from you. Respect me and my life. You now know a secret about me that very few know…well two. One is that Miley Stewart is Hannah Montana and the second is the other secret life I have led…the secret life that was the real me…the life that gave me joy and happiness and satisfaction. And one more thing before I go…tell Lilly Truscott I love her…I loved her from the first day she protected me. It was not a romantic love even if I tried to make it so…it was deeper so much deeper and a bond I could never have had with anyone else. Please also tell her to forgive me…for everything. Tell her how much I needed her in my life and without her life just was not worth living.

Miley Stewart

Lilly closed the journal and wiped the tears for her eyes after she read the last written words of her friend…a girl she loved and shared a bond with unlike any other person she met her in life. Lilly was Miley's best friend and she had protected Miley from a number of things as her best friend but the one thing she could not protect Miley from was Lilly…herself…and her abandonment of the girl she cared for so greatly. Lilly still remembered that terrible Christmas evening when Miley's father called her.

Lilly was sitting in front of her vanity as she applied the last of her makeup; Gabe would be there soon to take her to his parent's house for Christmas dinner. She was not really feeling up to going after her fight with Miley a few days ago. Miley had called her over and over everyday since their fight but she refused to answer the phone. She just could not talk to her right now…she needed time to process what Miley had become…who Miley had become. It hurt Lilly to know Miley allowed these things to happen to her and Lilly just needed time to understand it all. She felt guilty about the words she used and how she told Miley she just could not be friends with her anymore…that was not true. Lilly loved Miley just as much as she always did but she just needed…time…time to understand. The blonde girl sighed and started brushing her hair when her cell phone rang. Lilly picked it up expecting it to be Miley again but was surprised to see the number was that of Robby Ray.

"Hello." Lilly answered.

"Lilly…it…its Robby…Miley…she…she…oh God, Lilly!" Robby said with anguish in his voice.

Lilly got scared….very scared. "Mr. S. What…what happened to her?" She asked.

"She…she took some pills…a lot of them. The ambulance took her to the hospital. I…I am on my way there now." Robby said crying now.

Lilly did not let him finish. She hung the phone up, ran downstairs, told her mom Miley was in the hospital, and got into her car to drive to the hospital. On the way she called Gabe who told her he would meet her there. After a tearful Lilly finally made it past the desk nurse and found out where Miley was she ran up the stairs to the third floor not wanting to wait for the elevator. She opened the stair well door and walked into the waiting area and saw Miley's dad sitting down with his hands over his face crying and Jackson with tears in his eyes holding his dad. Lilly walked slowly to the man with fear gripping her tight.

"Mr. S…Robby…how…how is she?" Lilly asked when she stood in front of the man.

Robby looked up and then shook his head and gave an awful wail when he saw Lilly. He stood and hugged her tight. "She…she didn't make it…they…they said she died before she got to the hospital…they…they said they did all they could do." Robby started sobbing as he held the girl.

"Nooo! Nooo! I…I don't believe you!" Lilly screamed as she pushed the man from her and turned around and started running down the hospital corridor. "Miiiiley! Miley where are you?" She screamed as tears ran down her face. She only took four steps when she felt someone grab her and turn her around and hug her tight. Lilly fought and struggled to break free but could not and she looked up and saw it was Jackson.

"Let me go! She…she needs me!" Lilly screamed at him as he held her and started pounding her small fists on his chest but Jackson just held her tighter. "Let me go, Jackson! My Miley needs me! She…she needs me to help her…she…she needs me to protect her like always! Let me go! I…I need to go to her!" Lilly screamed and hit Jackson harder and struggled but he still did not let her go.

"Shhh…hush, Lilly…she…she is gone…shhh." Jackson whispered in her ear and Lilly looked up and saw the tears running down his face and new it was true. Her Miley was gone. She collapsed in his arms and sobbed.

"NOOO! I want my Miley…I want my Miley back!" Lilly screamed and fell to the floor as Jackson held her and slid to his knees to support the girl who loved his sister so much.

After crying and sobbing with Robby, Jackson and then Gabe and her mom for hours at the hospital, Lilly knew she had to do something that night. She asked Gabe to take her to Miley's house while her father and brother stayed at the hospital. Once at the house she had Gabe used a pair of bolt cutters to break open Miley's lock on her Hannah closet and started taking all of the girl's fetish clothes and sex toys and everything that had to do with Miley's secret life out of the room. Lilly had seen the room after that night Miley called to pick her up when she found out her friend's secret life. She knew she could not let Miley's dad see any of these things. That was when she found the journal. She placed everything in large trash bags but the journal and had Gabe drive her miles away and threw the things in a dumpster behind a closed shopping area. Gabe, who never knew Miley's secret life, never said a word about what he saw and never questioned Lilly about it. He knew if she wanted to talk she would and he would be there for her.

That next day Lilly was the first day Lilly read Miley's journal and she read it every Christmas day for the past eight years. She stopped sobbing as she read it three years ago but she knew she would never stop crying over it. Lilly looked up as she held the journal to her chest and saw her husband enter the small room that was turned into an office. She smiled up at him.

"Hey, baby, the kids are getting up and I can't stall them anymore…they want to see what Santa brought them." He said softly.

He knew and respected Lilly's Christmas ritual. Every year she got up earlier than anyone else to read Miley's last words. Gabe thought how better Lilly was getting with it. The first few years after Miley's death and when Lilly read the journal she would break down and sob and scream out how she "murdered" her best friend…how it was she that killed Miley. Gabe would just hold her as she cried and yelled. He loved his wife dearly…always had. He had even been very fond of Miley even if the girl never liked him.

"Ok…I'm coming." She placed the journal in the bottom desk drawer and locked it and looked back up at her husband. "I…love this day more than anything but I also hate it." She said as tears once again flowed down her cheeks as she stood up. "I…I want to stop, Gabe. I want to stop reading it…I want to burn it and get rid of it, but I can't. I'm afraid, Gabe. I'm so scared I'll forget her if I let it go." Lilly buried her head into her husband's chest.

Gabe walked to her and put his arms around his wife. "I know, baby, I know…but you need to stop blaming yourself, Lils. It is not your fault. And you won't forget her…how could you ever forget her, Lilly?"

"Yes it is…if I had tried to understand her…even just a little…it…it is my fault. I…I loved her so much, Gabe…so fucking much." Lilly said.

She knew she would feel the guilt of Miley for the rest of her life. She was happy…very happy and had a great husband and two lovely children. As boy of six and a girl of four…the girl they named Miley…but she would always feel the guilt of what she did to her best friend…no more than her best friend…it was so much deeper than that. Lilly never had another friend like Miley…she never allowed herself to have one or never wanted one like Miley. To her Miley was special…the girl who turned the loner Lilly into something more. The girl who turned the loner Lilly into someone's best friend and who gave her such unconditional love like no one else in her life ever had and Lilly knew she needed Miley just as much as Miley needed her…she just wished she had gotten the chance to tell her that.

Gabe knew better than to try and convince Lilly it was not her fault so he did not even try anymore. Instead he kissed his beautiful wife on the forehead and led her into the den to watch the children's faces on Christmas morning. He knew that would cheer his wife up and make her happy.

Lilly pulled Gabe tight to her and kissed him passionately on the lips and hugged him tight, "I love you, Gabe." She whispered not so much as to declare her love for her husband but more as to reassure him.

Lilly loved Gabe a great deal. How could she not? Even as a teenage boy the now man had always been there for her. He gave her a wonderful marriage and two beautiful children but that was not always the case. There was a time Lilly hated the man when they were younger. She despised him with her soul as she hated everyone.

It was three weeks after Miley's death and Lilly would not come from her room. She would stay in her room and clinch Miley's journal and refuse to come out as she cried and sobbed at the loss of her friend. She did not eat much as her mother would carry a food tray up to her room, knock on the door, and beg her daughter to come out and eat. Lilly would shout at her and tell her to leave her alone. She would then grab the tray after her mother left and nibble a little and go back to reading the journal again and cry and sob as she read her best friend's last words.

Heather was greatly concerned for Lilly. The college called and Lilly's soccer coach told her that he was doing the best he could under the circumstances but Lilly was on the verge of losing her scholarship if she did not return soon. But Heather's main concern was Lilly herself. She was witness to the love the two girls had for one another and she was worried…worried Lilly would follow Miley. She tried everything to get Lilly from her room. She tried begging and pleading through her tears, she tried by calling Lilly's dad, she tried bribery, and tried using the threat of Lilly losing her scholarship, and nothing worked. Lilly would tell her to just go away and leave her alone. Next she tried Gabe. Gabe came home from UCLA to talk to Lilly.

Lilly heard her door open as she lay on her bed clutching the journal to her chest and crying once again. She knew she cried for three weeks almost without pause but still to her it was not enough…it would never be enough. She looked over about to ask her mom how she got in her room and to tell her mom to leave her alone when she saw Gabe looking at her with pity in his eyes.

Gabe picked the lock to the room, a trick Lilly showed him long ago, and looked around his girlfriend's bedroom. The first thing he noticed was the smell. It smelled awful. It smelled of rotten food, stale musky smell, and he knew by the smell and the way Lilly looked she had not showered in days. Gabe walked and opened her window.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Lilly said harshly and that startled Gabe.

"Umm…you mom called me and told me that you have not been out of your room for weeks and stuff." Gabe replied as she sat on Lilly's bed and tried to hold her hand but she jerked it away.

"So…what I do is none of your fucking business!" Lilly yelled as she drew herself up on the bed and clutched the journal to her chest.

Gabe sighed, "Lils…baby…we are worried about you. I know you loved her…hell I did to. I was very fond of her…a great deal. But you have to move on. I am not saying forget her…never do that…but at least try and get you life back. She…she is gone, baby, and I know it hurts…it hurts me not to see her and I know it hurts you but please, Lilly. Please try."

Lilly glared at him, "Loved her? I still love her! I love her more than anything and anyone in my life! She hated you…did you know that! She fucking despised you and you have no right to talk about her!"

Gabe sighed again, "I know she did, Lilly, I never knew why but I knew she hated me." Gabe took a deep breath and knew this was going to be the hard part, "Lilly, she…she had problems, baby. I don't know what they were or if you knew but I saw her closet remember? She had some emotional issues and she needed help…"

Lilly jumped off the bed at his words and slapped him. "Shut up! Shut the fuck up! She did not have problems! Her personal life was none of your business! She…she was…is wonderful and…and it is your fault! It is because of you she did this! She hated you because she was afraid you were taking me away from her! That was why she hated you! She was so scared of that and we argued over you! We fought over your stupid ass and…and Argh! I hate you! I fucking hate you! You are not worth her…she is worth a million of you and I hate you! You fucking killed her! It should have been you that died…not her! I…I…I would kill you myself if it would bring her back! Get out…get out and never come back! I'll hate you till the day I die for killing her!" Lilly yelled at Gabe and him being the person her was and with his love for Lilly he told her he loved her and walked calmly from the room.

Lilly threw herself on the bed and sobbed again. She blamed everyone for Miley's death at first. She could not think of one person in the world she did not blame. She blamed people at school for the way they treated her, she blamed he own mom for not loving Miley enough, she blamed Miley's dad for not giving Miley a new mom, she blamed Jackson just because he was Miley's brother, she blamed Hannah Montana for not making Miley happy, but most of all she blamed herself and that ate at her and her guilt drove her mad. It was finally Robby, Miley's dad, which got Lilly out of her room and helped her seek professional help.

A week after Gabe's attempt Heather called Robby. She hated to because she knew the grief the man was going through but she felt she had not choice. Robby surprised Heather when he came right over without hesitation. Robby sat outside Lilly's all day and night and he talked…he talked about the funny and embarrassing situations Lilly and Miley got into. He talked about how much Miley loved Lilly and even confessed how jealous he was at first that his own daughter could love someone more than she loved him…her father and how over time he got over that jealousy and learned to enjoy the love Miley gave Lilly and Lilly gave Miley. He told Lilly how much he loved her and that he came to view her as his own daughter and lastly he told Lilly that Miley would not want to stay locked in her room. Miley would want her to live and get on with her life. After a while longer of talking Lilly opened the door and Robby stood up and she threw herself in his arms and both cried. Heather, who had been waiting downstairs started crying when she heard Lilly tell her she was hungry and she knew Robby's talk did both Lilly and him a great deal of good.

Lilly went back to school, saw a therapist for a year and soon forgave everyone except herself for Miley's death. She apologized to Gabe and started dating him again.

Gabe smiled, "And I love you, Lilly. So do you want to play Santa Clause and pass out the presents this year?"

Lilly giggled, "Only if I get to wear the Santa hat." She then kissed her husband again. "Umm…maybe when the kids take their nap this afternoon Santa will have a special present for Gabe to unwrap." Lilly teased.

Gabe laughed, "Well then come on, Santa…let's not keep the day waiting. But…umm…still wear the hat?" Lilly nodded and laughed as she kissed her husband again.

"What time do we leave tomorrow?" Lilly asked her husband.

"Plane leaves at three thirty. It'll be good to see Robby and Jackson and the boys and Robby said he was holding off Christmas until we go there. I just hope he does not go over board with the kids presents again this year. He spoils them too much."

Lilly smiled at that. Since Miley's death she basically became Robby's surrogate daughter and she did not begrudge the man that. She always loved him as almost like a father and soon she grew to love him as a father. Robby moved back to Tennessee about a year after Miley's death and Lilly and her family visited him as often as they could, but he never returned back to Malibu. The visit was a mixed emotional ride for Lilly. She loved Robby as a father and Jackson as a brother and even Jackson's two sons called her Aunt Lilly and it was always wonderful to see them. But she also felt the guilt of it. She knew how some of the nights would end.

She would stay up late with Robby and he would fix his famous Loco Hot Coco and the two of them would talk about Miley. They would laugh and then cry at the memories of the girl. But Lilly always felt the guilt when she talked to the man when on occasion he would question Miley's death with a "why". He never really expected an answer and it was just a rhetorical question and for that Lilly was glad. How could she tell the man she loved as a father and who loved her as a daughter that is was her that killed his little girl. That she was the one who murdered his precious child...she couldn't.

Lilly never told him about the journal of course and the only other person who knew about it was Gabe and he never read it or knew what was written and he never questioned it. He respected Lilly and Miley's special bond too much to even ask. Gabe knew whatever secrets it held Lilly would never share them with anyone. That secret was between Miley and his wife.

Lilly and Gabe walked into the den hand and hand and Lilly grinned with joy as she saw her two children's faces looking at the presents under the tree and her thoughts of the guilt and Miley's journal gone for now…but not of Miley or the friendship she cherished…she never forgot that, the wonderful times and love she shared with her true friend Miley Stewart.

End

I know….sad ending! Made me cry!!