Warnings: AU fic! This means there is probably going to be some OOC-ness, though I am trying to make everyone as in-character as possible given the storyline (And I am horrible at keeping people in own personalities, they live in my mind so their outlook on life changes). If I start to make any character drastically/annoyingly OOC just let me know and I'll correct it, though if it is specific or dire to the storyline it is not being changed YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! Right now there is cutting.

Disclaimer: I don't own Code Geass. Obviously, if I did… (evil laughter)

Rate & Review: No flames, I have no beta, feel free to give me ideas

Notes on the world and people: Lelouch, Nunnally, and Rolo are siblings who live in Japan to hide themselves from the current political warfare that is going on with some unknown country.

Britannia and Japan are allies, Minister Genbu Kururugi is still alive, and Euphemia is currently befriending Japan's Prime Minister's Son Suzaku Kururugi.

Suzaku, who has been friends with the three Lamperouge (vi Britannia) siblings from when the where taken into protective custody, is trying to become more involved in the vi Britannia's business, he has noticed a change in his raven friend.

Sayoko and Jeremiah are looking after the Lamperouge family.

(Mental torture? Yes, this is what may happen when a character visits my mind… poor Lelouch. What in the world happened to you? Oh… right, me and this terror I call my mind.)

(No, I am not implying that Suzaku is not very good at noticing things, it's just a matter how concerned and focused he is on pleasing Lelouch, that he has not noticed the signs of Lelouch's madness *cough* self-injury habit.)

Desperation- Prologue

Lavender eyes watched transfixed, fascinated, as the crimson liquid fell from his bicep. Pain had dulled by now and he just felt tired, like his actions had taken more out of him then it should have. The water of his bath had turned icy and the shutter that followed warned him that he would pay dearly for his time in the water. He noticed how pale his skin was now and knew that even before he had gotten in that he was coming down with something, but his thoughts turned back inwards as he hid the shining razor blade away once again.

Always… always with her, isn't he? I should have known better… with him; he was always like that, willing to help someone in need like he did with me. I really am a freak…one who should not exist-

He jumped as a knock brought him back to reality, his self degradation interrupted. "Lelouch? Are you alright? Nunnally, Rolo, and I were getting worried." The voice was light and gentle, but filled with concern.

He should not be concerned with a freak like me. He thought as the answer he prepared was said reassuringly, smiling a brittle, soul wrenching smile as his dull eyes started back at him in the mirror."I am fine Suzaku, I will be down in a few minutes. I didn't think that I was in here long enough to cause worry." He heard the knob rattle as Suzaku tried to open the door. He doesn't believe me does he? "Suzaku are you trying to take a peek? I am taking a bath after all. Pervert." He added as an afterthought and chuckled. The spluttering he heard from outside was well worth the sudden pain that came with his amusement and he doubled over in pain, his breathe coming hard and painful dry painful coughs came to bare.

"Lelouch!" Suzaku quickly stopped his indignant curses when he heard coughing. "Lelouch, you are not feeling well are you? Don't bother lying, I noticed your skin color earlier and I know it means that you coming down with something, now can you open this door or shall I go get Sayoko?" he hated it when Lelouch was sick, especially recently, it had been taking Lelouch longer to recover than normal and it concerned him.

"No need, I am getting out now Suzaku." He said weakly as he unstopped the plug letting the crimson water flow down. Lelouch waited for the water to drain completely and noticed that Suzaku had walked away, most likely to get the key he needed. Sighing, he stood up slowly as to make sure that he did not fall and stepped out. There was a full-length mirror on his right side showing his cut to the world, he would have to take care of that before Suzaku came back. Numbly he put on his bathrobe, shakily, glad that the cut had stopped bleeding as he tied the robe carefully. Other scars were covered with the robe, he did not need anyone to know or see them. Footsteps returned and he heard the key in the lock, then the click of the tumblers setting into place.

"Lelouch? Are you decent, now?" Suzaku's voice drifted through the room, but it did not register is his fogged mind for the world was spinning as floor came up to greet him.

* * * * * *

Outside the door Suzaku heard the silent thud and before his mind could completely register what had happened he was in the room and clutching a trembling Lelouch. Grasping tightly, his heart clenched when he realized how cold the body in his arms was. His hand grasped over Lelouch's upper arm, right where the cut was. Brushing ebony locks away from the ashen face, he hissed as he noticed how hot the skin beneath his fingertips was. Lavender eyes stared at him, quietly, waiting for him to stop his babbling that he did not even realize he had started. "Lelouch…" His voice trembled as he brought his fore head to rest on a cloth clad shoulder.

"Suzaku, you're hurting me…" His voice was unsteady, small, distant, and he was having a little trouble.

"Oh! Sorry Lelouch." Sheepish puppy dog smile, and moved the hand that was gripping Lelouch's thin upper arm. He's lost weight. This isn't good. Lifting the underweight teen up, he walked out of the bathroom and to Lelouch's bed setting him down. He knew it was bad when his friend did not even protest being picked up.

If he had been paying more attention he would have noticed the blood that was starting to seep through the thick fabric. If he had been paying attention he would have noticed how defensive and irritable Lelouch had been recently. If he was attentive he would have noticed that the full length mirror was disturbed and did not stand up straight, but he wasn't so he didn't note such trivial things such as wound, one sign of depression, and the hiding place for the razors stained crimson.

"Do you need anything?" Lelouch blinked slowly at him, and then shook his head. Suzaku frowned and went back into the bathroom and Lelouch felt the stab of panic that he had left something in plain sight. "You should really dry yourself off Lelouch. I know that your bathrobe is warm and all, but I do not believe that it will help if your body is wet." Before Suzaku reemerged Lelouch managed to sit up and turn his body so prying emerald eyes would not see the blood, he was glad that the dizziness had passed or he would not be able to think as clearly as he did.

"Suzaku… I am fine." He knew that reasoning with him was not a good idea especially when his body was betraying him. This cursed body of mine cannot even take a hot bath. To be more specific, it was a scalding hot bath that cooled down drastically with how long he was in there.

"You are anything but fine, your body is freezing to the touch and you have a fever on top of that!" He glared at the black raven who sat shaking in the middle of his bed when he entered the room carrying his other robe and a few towels. "For someone so smart you certainly forgetful Lelouch, making yourself cold does not help it just makes you shiver and that raises the core body temperature-"

"I know Suzaku, it was warm when I went in." Suzaku took one of the towels that he had grabbed and started to towel dry ebony hair.

"That was twenty minutes ago, Lelouch you were thinking weren't you?" he watched as his raven haired companion flinched. "I knew it, Lelouch take off that robe and let me help you into your other one."

"No." Sharp, biting, he flinched at his friend's tone, he sounded so defensive.

"Lelouch you can't stay in that one." He pleaded.

"I am not helpless, Suzaku." He knew that tone Lelouch was being stubborn and no one would change his mind.

"Alright, I will leave the robe here and be back in a few minutes. Don't over exert yourself." Suzaku gave a pointed look stating that if he did not listen he would regret it. Lelouch sighed, he only felt numb nothing else, and even if he was able to feel the sickness that was in his body he would not care.

I am a monster, I love a man. I love someone other than a Britannian, father would be disappointed. I am an ugly being, I am horrible. I am not loved. No one cares about me. I am numb to everything. I am useless, can't even run for a few meters.

He changed indolently, putting the other in a basket to be taken care of later, and bandaged the wound that he had made earlier with supplies from a hiding spot near the bed. Suzaku found him later sleeping peacefully; he tucked him in and left. If he had stayed longer he would have of found that Lelouch was not having a peaceful sleep, but a terror filled one.

* * * * * *

"Nii-chan isn't doing too well is he?" A young girl with flowing chestnut brown hair asked quietly; she was worried about her older brother as was the two other people at the table. It had been five days since Suzaku had been with Lelouch. Suzaku had found out later that Lelouch was suffering from a fever that was brought on from the cold bath he took and how he had been neglecting himself for a bit, but that was long enough for this to happen.

"He is still recuperating." Rolo stated stiffly, he hated seeing his brother pale and sleeping, it reminded him of a corpse.

"Sir Kururugi?" Sayako's sweet voice reached is ears and he turned to give her his full attention. "If you wouldn't mind would you help me with Lelouch-sama?" Suzaku nodded briefly excusing himself from the table and followed the maid into the kitchen. He could have sworn he saw Rolo and Nunnally exchange small smalls.

"What do you need me to do?"

"If you would feed him it would be much appreciated." His breathe breath caught in his throat; he had been unable to see Lelouch since he was called away, helping with various duties was annoying at times especially when he was concerned for his friend.

"Are you sure?" Sounding like an overexcited puppy was his forte, Sayoko smiled a small secretive smile.

"Yes, I believe that the best medicine for him right now is you."

Please Sir Kururugi, help Master Lelouch. He is torturing himself. He will not stop until his body stops whatever it is doing to cause this to happen. It will sadden everyone if he is gone. She knew, but she had told no one. Knowing as she did how dangerous it was to interfere in this, she had stayed mainly out of it, only offering her services for medical attention, and swearing that she would tell no one of his secret. Now, as Suzaku scurried to help Lelouch, she knew that she would have to pull some rather obvious signs out of hiding just to make him realize what Lelouch was doing.

* * * * * *

I am waiting for the river's tide to lower down before I will try again.

What? You don't want to kill yourself in this state?

No…

I am sure Sayoko would happily clean up after you. It is not like she needs you for anything. You are just a nuisance.

No I am not…

She caught you during your sin, she saw your secret, she knows you are not who you pretend to be. Such a disgusting mask.

Not true…

And what of your bloodline? You are nothing more than a prince who was thrown out of the palace on the terms of 'protection' your parents have not even tried to contact you. They don't care, you were just a tool that was not of the appropriate age for them to make use of.

That is not true…

Yes it is, you are a cast out prince who has nothing more in his life. Face it, the one who you love is in love with your half-sister. He would find you absolutely revolting if he found out your little secret. He is straight after all and that perfect body of yours is scarred, imperfect, he would never want it anyway.

Leave me alone… Suzaku… help…

He will not help you, he doesn't care. Stay here with me or get out of this world.

* * * * * *

...Well?