AN: Okay, sorry it took so fricking long. Always the same excuse. I guess I've been hiding. I'm sad that so many seem to dislike the story, and I'm trying my best to salvage it. I've had lots of hurtful PM's and some not so kind reviews and I tried so hard to look past them, but you know it's hard to see your creation getting criticized in that manner. But thanks, nonetheless, to you who took the time to review.
I want to thank everybody who continues to support me. Thank you! I really appreciate you. RRcrew, where would I be without you?
You should listen to Within Temptation's song "Utopia" while reading it. It's a beautiful song.
Enjoy and please do leave some feedback.
Chapter 3
(BPOV)
(2 months later)
"Please, Baby Lena, stop crying" I whispered, shushing the uncontrollable baby in my arms. I sat by her crib in my room and tried to calm her down enough, so she could get some sleep. She was unstoppable and I had to force my maternal instincts out, if I had any. Cuddling her close to my body helped a little, but she wouldn't stay still. Her arms were flailing as if she was drowning in water. I knew Rose and Alice were having a difficult time, with Baby Lena living here and I was considering moving out. But I was still having a hard time comprehending what had happened two months ago.
(FLASHBACK)
I stared at the peacefully sleeping creature in my arms, as my heart pounded. I tried to figure out what was happening at the moment. One moment we were happy, hanging out at a club, dancing as if there was no care in the world at all. I was actually having fun with my friends. I've been told that Karma is a bitch, but I wasn't one at all. Sometimes I felt like fate was playing sick-minded and twisted games with me. I had no will to participate in them, I just wanted out. But how can you get out, when you have another life thrust into your arms. I stared at Jasper to see if he wore signs of joking on his face. However, he was dead serious. I shook my head in disbelief and let out a shaking sigh. Tears were prickling in the corners of my eyes.
This meant that Isalena was mine now. I had opened a café, lost two friends and became a parent all in one day. This was just cruel, absurd and wrong. It was wrong – and yet so typical me. Why did I always end up in situations like these?
(END OF FLASHBACK)
She was probably thinking – "What kind of stupid woman is holding me?" and I knew that my attempts were not acknowledged. I just wanted her to be quiet, so I could get some sleep myself. I decided to leave this room and cradled her close to me as I moved to the living room. I sat in the couch and turned on the TV, but had turned down the volume. So much was happening in the world outside, outside the four walls in which I was captured, in which time stood still.
Our café had a good start, it reputation was gaining momentum and attracted all kinds of people regardless of personality. We were quite versatile, but that was almost inevitable given the people who ran it. Jasper, Emmett and I had dedicated so much of our time to run it. Baby Lena had finally calmed down and I took it as an opportunity to get some sleep. I fell asleep with MTV glaring on the TV. The little bundle of life in my arms finally decided to cooperate with me. I loved her as if she was my own. I hope she would understand as she grew up. I prayed to God, although I never saw myself as a religious person. Sometimes all you need is to believe in something, whatever it was. I kept asking myself if Edward was okay up there. Was he watching us from up there? Was he proud of who I had become?
I woke up to MTV playing Snow Patrol's "Just say yes". I liked that song – it was nice. The lead singer's voice had an eerie calming effect on me. Edward had opened my eyes to music and he would always be in my thoughts whenever a good song entered my ears. The way I remembered the songs were going back to the first time I listened to them – where was I? Who was I with and importantly: Was I happy?
Baby Lena wriggled in my arms and began crying again. Seriously, didn't she have a happy button? I began rocking on the couch, shushing her.
"There, there Baby Lena" I crooned. A door behind me opened and a tired looking Alice appeared out of it. A groggy Alice Cullen in the morning was just as bad as an uncooperative Baby Lena.
"Come on Baby Lena, don't you want to sleep, babycake? Please stop crying" I begged. Alice leaned against the wall next to the couch. Her hair was anything but straight. She looked slightly dangerous with a murderous look in her sleep-lacking eyes.
"Listen to mamma Bella, baby Lena, don't you want to sleep? To drift off to dream land?" I asked again.
"I know I do, Bella" Alice said with her hands on her hips. Oh, she was grumpy alright. She got out of the stance and sat down next to me.
"Okay, you know I love you, and I really love Baby Lena as well, but I also really, really love my sleep. I haven't gotten any in like a week" she sighed.
"And it shows" I whispered mostly to Baby Lena.
"Thanks, just one look in the mirror and I had almost mistaken myself for being Amy Winehouse pre rehab…" Alice muttered and leaned against my shoulder, looking down at Isalena. She sighed as I leaned my head on top of hers. Baby Lena's crying had subdued a bit and she looked just as tired as the rest of us.
"Listen…" I whispered. Alice stilled.
"The silence…" I continued.
"You just broke it…" Alice groaned and sat up. She opened her arms and I handed Baby Lena over to her.
"Come here to Auntie Alice" she crooned as I stood up. I walked around in the room to get some blood to my legs. I was sore from sitting down all the time. I went over to the window and took in the view of Seattle.
"Alice, I need to go out today…" I said as I moved to the bathroom to make myself somewhat decent.
"Yeah, you should" she said.
"Rose's at the café with Emmett as we speak. The café misses you" I heard Alice say as she moved into my room and I presume she laid Baby Lena in her crib. A minute later she appeared by the door as I brushed my teeth.
"Tell you what, you go down there and be social for a while. I'll come by with Baby Lena later" she said and leaned against the door frame. I spat out the tooth paste and rinsed. I tried to comb through the mane that was my hair. Alice sighed again and moved behind me. She grabbed some rubber bands and braided my hair with her skillful fingers. It was nice for a change. I had had my hair down for so long. I had no idea of what to do with it anymore. The feeling of Alice gently pulling tots of hair had a soothing effect and I closed my eyes, enjoying the sensation of feeling slightly alive. She stopped when she reached the bottom and rested her forehead against my back.
"It's going to be okay, Bella. I can see it" she whispered before exiting the bathroom to attend to Baby Lena, who had grown silent. I looked at my reflection. I wasn't living. I was surviving.
I quickly got dressed and grabbed my umbrella and iPod. I put it on shuffle as I roamed the streets of Seattle, headed toward the café. Drops began to fall as Within Temptation's "Utopia" filled my ears. How ironic. I opened the umbrella to shield myself from the rain.
I began singing along as I crossed the street, trying to avoid the puddles.
"You're holding my hand but you don't understand I'm dreaming the dream, and I'll sing to share
taking the road all alone in the end
I'm dreaming in colors, no boundaries are there
In search of the door, to open your mind
In search of the cure of mankind
Help us, we're drowning
So closed up inside
Why does it rain, rain, rain down on utopia
Why does it have to kill the ideal of who we are?
Why does it rain, rain, rain, down on utopia?
And when the lights die down, telling us who we are"
I liked getting lost in my music. You could say that music was my kind of Utopia. Where Edward would be with me. Why was it that even seven years later, he would still be haunting me in my dreams? I passed two kids trying to catch the drops with their opened mouth. Sometimes I missed the simple times where everything was easy. But what's in the past, remains in the past. I just tried to live in the moment and appreciate what I before took for granted. Emphasizing on the trying. Sometimes I would have the strongest urge to throw everything from me and just yell stop. So the whole world would hear me. Stop! How more can one single person take and not break?
I looked at my watch; 1.26 pm. I ended in front of the door to the café, took a deep breath and straightened up. I opened the door and was welcomed with the noise of people enjoying their lunch. Regulars greeted me with their smiles and waves. I returned the gesture and moved to the counter where Rose was watching the entire café. She immediately smiled at me and motioned for me to join her behind the counter. I rarely saw Rosalie even though she lived with Alice and I. She had stayed at Emmett's for a while. I completely understood her, but I still felt bad for driving her out of her own home. I sat down and she gazed at me.
"How are you holding up?" she asked me with a gentle voice and rested her hand on mine.
"I'm trying" I said honestly.
"I can tell" she replied. "I just needed to get out just for a couple of hours". Rosalie nodded.
"Maybe I could bake some cupcakes, you know, and be productive" I said. Rosalie seemed hesitant.
"Come on, Rosie, I just need to busy my hands with something that doesn't cry all the time" I pleaded and she finally gave in. I went to the kitchen and found Emmett there watching some match on the TV.
"Tinks" he said and quickly scooped me up into a bear hug.
"Yeah, it's good to be back. Hey, if you're not too busy with that game of yours, you could help me with making cupcakes" I asked as I rummaged in the pantry, looking for ingredients.
"Sure" he said as he turned the volume down some notches.
"Bells, I was thinking of hosting some sort of open-mic-night again? You know invite some guests up for some jamming" Emmett suggested after some time. I had just finished my first batch of cupcakes.
"Yeah, why not? Sounds like a good idea" I admitted. "How about tomorrow night?"
I swore Emmett's face lightened up when I liked his idea.
"Yes, sounds good Tinks" he said enthusiastically. He held up his hand and I high fived him.
"Smells good in there" Rosalie said as her head peaked through the door opening. I laughed and brought the first batch of cupcakes out so people could buy and eat them.
"Look who's here!" Alice said as she entered the café with Baby Lena in her arms. They both looked well-rested. I beamed at them as they neared Rosalie and I. Baby Lena reached her arms out for me and I happily held her close to me. We just hung out the rest of the day, served and cleaned the café patrons and Esme soon popped by. Her eyes shone as she talked nonsense with Baby Lena. It was amazing how maternal Esme could be regardless of whose child it was.
Alice's cell phone buzzed and she stepped out to answer the call, not before muttering things like: "Fricking calling me on my day off…".
It was an angry, muttering Alice exiting the café, but a vibrant Alice that reappeared.
"Dang, you look happy" Jasper grinned as she jumped around hugging all of us.
"They're sending me to London for a weekend and I want you to go with me!" she boomed.
"That's great dear" Esme said as she hugged Alice with one arm as she held Baby Lena in the other.
"Alice… As much as I would love to go to London with you… I have Baby Lena and the café here" I sighed sadly. Luckily momma Esme decided to step in.
"Bella, Carlisle and I wouldn't mind watching Baby Lena for a weekend" she smiled. I must admit Baby Lena looked happy with Esme.
"What about the café?" I asked Alice and looked at Jasper and Emmett. They shrugged and sighed in defeat. I guess we all could need a trip away.
"I can watch it" a voice behind us said. It was Angela. She had been a waiter here since we opened. It's not that I didn't trust Angela, but was she ready for this responsibility?
"Don't worry, I'll help her" Ben, her boyfriend, said. "My family owned a restaurant, so I know what to do" he reassured us all.
"Come on, Bella, you've got everything covered here! It's only this weekend" Alice begged with her adorable, non-resistible puppy-eyes. I caved and held my hands up in surrender. Today was Wednesday, so we would still be able to host the open-mic-night tomorrow evening.
"When's the plane leaving, dear?" Esme asked.
"We're taking some red-eye flight Friday at 2 am" she said. That fricking early?!
"Bella, we could always move the open-mic-night" Emmett suggested and rubbed my back in an assuring manner.
"Is that okay with you?" I asked and he nodded. Alice jumped again in excitement. It was contagious and soon we all were daydreaming the delights of London.
"What's with all the excitement?" another person entered the café. It was Jacob.
"Jake, Jake, Jake!" Alice chanted as she jumped over to him and embraced him. "Pack your stuff, we're all going to London this weekend!"
He looked at me and smiled his bright smile.
"Gosh, that sounds great!" he got out of her grip and walked over to me. He hugged me tightly and looked for Baby Lena. Esme handed her over and Jacob immediately cuddled her to him. It was an adorable sight. I couldn't stop myself from smiling.
"Bella, I need to help you pack" Alice said still on a high.
"But I demand a veto" I said firmly. No room for discussion.
"By the way, we're attending a black-tie affair, so we have to dress up for one night. Bear that in mind as you pack" Alice said as she took my arm to drag me out and home. But not before I got Baby Lena back from Jacob.
"Bella, I'll pick her up tomorrow evening" Esme called and I turned and sent her a nod.
It was twilight when we reached our apartment, I noticed because I chanced a look up at the evening skies of Seattle. No clouds – that was a good sign, right? Somehow Baby Lena had calmed down and cooperated with us. She was willing. She had dozed off as I laid her down in her crib. Alice had turned into her usual tornado when she opened our closets and packed for us all.
My cell phone buzzed and it was a message from Jacob.
"Status report from Hurricane Alice?"
-J
I smiled when I read the text. He had thought the same as I.
"Hurricane? I'd rather call it tornado. Barely surviving back here. It's still too dangerous to venture out. You should stay inside where you're safe"
-B
We continued texting for a while until Alice was done. We all went to bed stoked for the upcoming fun in London. I had always dreamed of getting out of the U.S. and see Europe. Maybe I could put all this stress behind me and start over with the ones I loved.
(EPOV)
The weather was gloomy as usual as I walked the streets of London. I had just finished another day at work. More money made. Extra days in my life. I tried to fill out the void in my almost non-existent heart with work. I would not allow myself to love another woman the way I loved, no… love Bella. There would be only her in my heart. I had finally accepted the fate of a life without Bella. It was cruel, but necessary. I went to a café to listen to some music and get a drink. I got settled at a table and a waitress quickly found me. I politely ignored her not so subtle attempts at flirting. She brought me a beer and some chips as a girl took the stage in front of me. She was pretty, but looked quite nervous.
I knew how she felt – performing, pouring your heart out to an audience, not knowing how they would react to you. I could relate to her.
"Hello, I'm Adele. I'm going to sing a song that I wrote about a year ago. It's called Hometown Glory – it's about my love for London, so I hope you like it" she said in a British accent.
"I've been walking in the same way as I did
Missing out the cracks in the pavement
And tutting my heel and strutting my feet
"Is there anything I can do for you dear? Is there anyone I can call?"
"No and thank you, please Madam. I ain't lost, just wandering"
Round my hometown
Memories are fresh
Round my hometown
Ooh the people I've met
Are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of this world
Are the wonders of my world
I like it in the city when the air is so thick and opaque
I love to see everybody in short skirts, shorts and shades
I like it in the city when two worlds collide
You get the people and the government
Everybody taking different sides
Shows that we ain't gonna stand shit
Shows that we are united
Shows that we ain't gonna take it
Shows that we ain't gonna stand shit
Shows that we are united
Round my hometown
Memories are fresh
Round my hometown
Ooh the people I've met
Are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of my world"
She finished and people clapped. She took her bow and left the stage. It was a beautiful song. She left the café as I had just finished my beer. I paid and tipped the waitress nonetheless. I walked out to find the skies opening up to me, pouring rain. I hurriedly turned the corner so I could get home first. As I turned I bumped into a person. She let out a yelp.
"Oh, sorry there Miss" I said as I recognized her. It was Adele from before.
"No problem" she said and began to move.
"Wait", I called out as I saw her leaving. She halted and turned.
"Can I walk you home? The weather's gone mental" I offered as I walked up to her. She nodded and waited for me to catch up. I held out my umbrella for her and she walked under it.
"You're quite the gentleman, eh?" she teased.
"Nothing less" I answered truthfully. Carlisle had taught me well and I missed him dearly. She told me where she lived and we walked in silence for a while.
"Great performance" I said, breaking the silence. She shook her head.
"I feel like I'm losing it" she sighed.
"Losing what?" I asked.
"The right words" she said. I understood her.
"I mean… Even though London's my hometown, I still feel like a stranger" she continued.
"I understand" I said. Because I really did. London wasn't my hometown. If I returned to Forks, I wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't be the Edward who left it. I would be a stranger to everybody. Heck, I was a stranger to myself.
"Tell me about yourself…" she sighed. The rain had intensified since we left the café. The smell of wet ground filled my senses reminded me of Forks. I told her my fabricated life story.
"My name is Édouard Cigne" I said. It had become fucking easy. I had rehearsed it several times, so thoroughly I almost believed myself.
"That's an unusual name" she responded.
"My ancestors were French and moved to England" I smiled, giving the illusion of me thinking back.
"I see" she said. "So why were you alone? Your bird's not into music?"
"My bird…" I sighed. My Bella. She was anything but. She loved music. She was my music – even her name was music to my ears.
"Touchy topic?" she asked. I nodded mutely.
"I'm sorry" she continued.
"No problem. There's a special girl in my heart and there's only room for her" I whispered gently. She stopped and rested her hand on my forearm.
"I can tell that you love her. Don't let go of her" she said with a kind and genuine smile.
We began chatting about everything and nothing in particular. I had woven a perfect web of lies, masking my past.
"Okay, Eddie, we've been circling the neighborhood for a while now" she laughed.
"What?" I asked dumbfounded.
"I live here. I just couldn't bring myself to end this. It was nice to talk to someone down to earth" she said. She walked up to her door and looked behind her.
"Thanks for walking me home. Make sure to buy my album and I'll sign it" she grinned before shutting the door. I turned to walk back. I took a detour and walked through a park. I enjoyed the stillness and serenity in this park. I wish I could share it with Bella though. I often caught myself daydreaming about bringing Bella to the parks and monuments here in London. Share the city with her. She would see the sights with her own point of view and then share them with me, changing my views. She complemented me so perfectly. Almost as perfect as the web of lies I had woven. I was unrecognizable in my own eyes. I was no longer Edward Cullen. I was Édouard Cigne. I kept chanting that mantra in particular as I exited the park and headed for my apartment.
I had gotten used to come home to an empty apartment. I had the strongest urge to call my family. But I constantly reminded myself that I was dead in their eyes. It was for their own good – it was for the best. Yes, keep telling yourself that Édouard… I admit missing Alice's teasing, Jasper's insightfulness, Emmett's energy, Rosalie's self-absorbedness and my beautiful Bella… I turned the radio on. As I opened the window to the sounds of rain, blending with the London traffic, Within Temptation's song "Utopia" played. It fitted so well. I saw myself in the reflection cast by the window. Who was I?
I closed my eyes and told myself what I'd said a million times.
You are Édouard Cigne.
"The burning desire to live and roam free I'm dreaming in colors Help us we're drowning Why does it rain, rain, rain down on Utopia? I'm searching for answers I'm dreaming in colors, no boundaries are there Help us we're drowning Why does it rain, rain, rain down on Utopia
It shines in the dark
And it grows within me
You're holding my hand but you don't understand
So where I am going, you won't be in the end
Of getting the chance
I'm dreaming of China; the perfect romance
In search of the door to open your mind
In search of the cure of mankind
So closed up inside
Why does it have to kill the ideal of who we are?
Why does it rain, rain, rain down on Utopia?
And when the lights die down, telling us who we are?
not given for free
They're hidden inside, is there life within me?
You're holding my hand but you don't understand
So I'm taking the road all alone in the end
I'm dreaming the dream, we all seem to share
.com/utopia_lyrics_within_
In search of the door, to open your mind
In search of the cure of mankind
So closed up inside
Why does it rain, rain, rain down on Utopia
Why does it have to kill the ideal of who we are?
Why does it rain, rain, rain, down on Utopia?
And when the lights die down, telling us who we are
Why does it have to kill the ideal of who we are?
Why does it rain, rain, rain down on Utopia
And when the lights die down, telling us who we are
Why does it rain?"
AN:
So here we are. Bella and the crew are going to London. Bella and Edward are going to be in the same city. Hope you didn't hate it too much. Please review.
Have a nice day and take care of yourself.
Love you all,
Anne