disclaimer: kingdom hearts belongs to some other people
pairing: if you squint a bit there's akuroku but not really
warning: more sad roxas. will the kid never get a break?

Leaving

It was all someone's fault. He hated someone. He hates someone. With all his existence. With all of someone's existence – not his own. He didn't have an existence (shut up).

He didn't let himself think like that. Not ever. Because if he did, he'd just end up killing himself. And no one wanted a suicide on their hands, especially when it meant that they'd never even know it had been a suicide – they'd just assume he'd left. Left never to come back. It had happened before. Roxas couldn't remember their names, but he could remember their faces. And they had seemed as normal as a normal nobody could be. But then they'd gone.

Maybe they were suicides. Maybe they left. Maybe they were killed. Nobody told Roxas anything.

Oh, a joke.

He kept on walking.

Demyx was annoying. It wasn't Demyx's fault. He just was. He didn't understand that when you are a nobody you just want to be left alone. He thinks that being a nobody means you want to be bombarded with theories and statements and research and jokes.

"It says here that only 2% of heartless create a nobody with a human form."

"Demyx."

"Well, I thought I'd tell you because, you know, maybe it would make you feel special. If there's so many heartless... there's probably about-"

"Demyx, shut up."

"Just as well, eh? My maths is awful. I'd probably have to ask Zexion and you know what he's like. He'd probably just... ignore me."

Roxas felt sorry for Demyx.

It was mainly someone's fault. He hated how he didn't know who someone was. Axel knew who his someone was. Axel knew who Roxas' someone was. But he wasn't telling. It was mainly someone's fault. And somewhat Axel's fault. Axel was his friend – but he can't have friends (shut up).

Axel is his friend. He makes Roxas laugh sometimes. But it never sounds real. It never sounds like proper laughter. Not like the laughter from his dreams. Oh, here with the dreams again. Roxas could never stop thinking about the dreams. And it irritated him. Dreams are nothing – you don't think about dreams, Roxas. Axel says that dreams tell us things. Xemnas says that dreams are to be ignored.

Roxas trusts Xemnas. But Roxas loves Axel (shut up).

He quietened the wrong thought. Or maybe he knew what he was about to think.

You can't love.

Roxas doesn't love Axel.

"Argh!" The floor was wet with puddles of rain and the dust that dead heartless leave behind. His knees were getting cold but he stayed where he was. In that position. His hands wrapped protectively around his head. Protectively – or maybe they wanted to squeeze so tightly that the bad thoughts disappeared like an enemy does when it dies.

Roxas' head hurt.

It wasn't even someone's fault. All the other nobodies could deal with it. The pain of not being (shut up), the fact that he will never ever be able to love (shut up), the truth being that Roxas nor any of the others would ever, ever, ever find a proper home (shut up, shut up, shut up).

He wouldn't shut up. He couldn't. It flooded through his system.

It was terrifying. Fakefakefake memories slid back and forth. That nauseating laughter played on a loop. And Axel lingered over him as he rocked back and forth on his wet knees.

"Roxas. Get up."

(shut up.)

"For crying out loud."

(shut up.)

"You're such a baby."

"Shut up!"

Axel paused, a little shocked.

"Roxas."

"I'm leaving."

"No, you're not."

(shut up.)

Roxas was leaving. He wouldn't lie about something like that.

He left and disappeared.

- - -

a/n: :0 it's true. I'm back.