Chain Mail-

Chapter 1

Summary: Klink has been getting chain letters and taking them very seriously. Our Heroes decided to pull a prank on the German colonel.

…

Hogan walked into Klink's office hoping to get a few extra privileges for him and his men. "Sir," He said opening the door to find Klink hard at work, which was odd. "Lots of paper work, Sir?"

Klink looked up at Hogan in a chiding way. "This is something called a Chain Letter," Klink informed thinking Hogan didn't know anything about anything.

"Oh," Hogan nodded understanding. 'Wow who would have thought Klink was THIS pathetic? Who in their right mind took those things seriously? Of course Klink isn't necessarily in his right mind.'

Klink looked up again assuming that Hogan's silence pertained to his lack of knowledge. 'American's don't know anything.' He thought and decided to show off his brains. He straightened and puffed out his chest. "A chain letter is-"

"I know what a chain letter is." Hogan said stopping him. He hated those things, especially in college. It was more of a girl thing anyway, so why was Klink doing it? No, Hogan rethought that. Klink would be involved in chain letters. It made sense. "I was just wondering why you take those things seriously." Hogan said with a laugh.

Klink stood from his desk clearly insulted.

"Eh-heh-heh…hm...mm.." His laugh turned into a chuckle and soon dissipated. Hogan closed his mouth and lowered his eyes. 'Oops, so much for those extra privileges.' He thought to himself.

"For your information if I don't do this I'll have bad luck for the rest of the war." Klink said trying to make Hogan understand. His voice was scolding rather than furious. Klink dropped his arms at his side and helped himself to his liquor.

"Really, Sir?" Hogan asked pretending to be concerned.

"Yes, do you know how much that will affect my promotion?" Klink asked gulping down a shot of his booze.

Hogan acted like he was sorry. "I'm sorry, Sir." He said pretending to be ashamed of his actions.

Klink crossed his arms. "Fine, I understand you just don't know anything about chain letters." Klink shrugged aloofly and went back to his desk.

"I suppose your right…" Hogan agreed in hopes that Klink would lighten up and he could get those privileges.

Klink sat back down. "Now what did you want?"

Hogan hoped Klink was in a good enough mood to give him those extra privileges. "Well, sir, I was just hoping you might be able to supply my barracks with a few more blankets. It's been getting more and more drafty." Hogan thought he'd shoot for something small. Blankets weren't that big of a deal right?

Klink didn't look up from his letters. "Mm hm, Mm hm…I'll talk to Shultz."

Whew! Okay now a little higher. "And also, some extra light time tonight, perhaps an hour?"

"Can't be done." Klink said with an annoyance in his voice.

"Half an hour?"

"No."

Darn it. At least he got the extra blankets. If he said no to lights then he'd say no to the white bread. But there was no harm in trying. "What about a bit of white bread?" Hogan asked hopeful.

Klink put down his pen and looked at Hogan. "If I said no to the lights what makes you think I'll say yes to the white bread?"

"Just trying, Sir." Hogan said acting ashamed again.

Klink went back to his letters. "You're dismissed."

Hogan saluted and left. He closed the inner office door and went to Hilda. "Hey, Hilda." Hogan said leaning over her desk.

"Hello, Colonel Hogan." She said sweetly knowing he wanted something.

"How long has Klink been doing those chain letters?" He asked curiously.

Hilda shrugged. "Its been about two weeks since he really started getting into it. Why?" She asked innocently.

Hogan shrugged. "Just curious." He stood and left the office.

When outside he pulled his collar up over his neck to keep the cold out and briskly walked back to the barracks. Once inside he got hopeful looks from his men. He rolled down his collar and addressed them. "Hopefully Klink will keep his word and get us those blankets."

"Well, that's good." Carter said then looked back at his hand of cards. "Gin."

"Blimey." Newkirk threw his cards down in a huff.

"I learned something else about the good Kommandant." Hogan said pouring himself a cup of coffee.

The men were well beyond interested. Something for them to talk about? They called it a conversation but to the trained eye, meaning a woman's eye, it would be gossip. Although the men wouldn't admit to that.

"Yes, it seems he takes chain letters very seriously." Hogan said with a smile playing on his lips.

"Really?" Lebeau asked incredulously.

Hogan nodded.

"I used to get those all the time growing up." Carter said. "So for revenge I sent a really stupid chain letter back to the person who sent me the chain letter to annoy them."

"Did it work?" Newkirk asked.

"Yes and no." Carter said with a laugh playing in his voice.

The men looked to one another. "What did the chain letter say?"

Carter put down his hand. "Well, you know how chain letters tell you to do this or that then make so many copies of it and send it off and your wish will come true or whatever?"

The men nodded.

"Well, I had the person doing really stupid things." Carter picked his cards up again.

"Such as?" Newkirk asked.

Carter put his cards back down again to think. "I think I remember the order. First they had to jump up and down in a circle until they were so dizzy they fell down but they could only spin counter clockwise and they had to jump no more than five inches off the ground. Then they had to run outside without any shoes on through a mud pit up to their knees, and start a mud fight, they had to throw it at an officer so that they were arrested for a night then they had to do…I forget what it was. Then they had to make ninety nine copies and send it off to people they didn't know and they would win the lottery." Carter said taking his cards back up again. "Gin."

"You didn't even draw!" Newkirk said.

"I know I got it on the deal." Carter said happily.

Newkirk threw down his cards and got up. "Kinch you can play him."

Kinch took Newkirk's place.

That afternoon Shultz arrived with the extra blankets.

At least they wouldn't freeze tonight.

….

The next morning, after roll call, the men were having breakfast. Carter was still winning in Gin, and Newkirk was even cheating! Not that Carter knew that.

After forty wins Newkirk was convinced that Carter was cheating and made him roll up his sleeves and remove his gloves.

Carter at first was willing but then got cold and had to put them back down again. Newkirk was convinced that Carter wasn't cheating, but was still a bit sore. He was supposed to be the genius when it came to cards and cheating and even with cheating he was losing. Maybe it was a sign?

Then Shultz came in with the mail. Everyone jumped up and were quickly ushered back to their seats. Shultz had a huge wad of letters in his hands. More letters than he'd ever had before. Maybe the mail system got backed up a bit.

Everyone got a letter, in fact everyone got at least three letters. Carter looked at his. Since when did he get three letters all at once? He looked at who they were from. Colonel Wilhelm Klink. "What?" He cried. He looked at the others, which were also from Wilhelm Klink. Then Shultz handed him another letter. It was from his cousin. "This is ridiculous." Carter looked at the letters from Klink, and a sudden rebellion filled him as it did so many years before.

He looked at the letter from his cousin last. Just a news update nothing overly interesting. He looked back to the horrible letters from Klink and at the other men who must have gotten the letters as well.

Hogan looked half amused half annoyed.

Newkirk looked a bit confused and Lebeau and Kinch tossed theirs aside uncaring and read their actual letters.

Carter got up. "Colonel,"

Hogan looked at Carter and saw a strange look in the young man's eyes. "Yes?" He asked suspiciously.

"Why did he send them to us?" Carter held up a chain letter with a scowl. He hated these things.

Hogan sighed. He took it and looked at the one he held and Carter's. They were identical. "It says send it to ten people you know. Apparently he doesn't know ten other Krauts so he had to send them to us." He looked up. "Who all got one?"

His three other men raised their hands.

"Alright." He collected the chain letters from his men and went to see Klink. He walked into the office and found Hilda sitting at a desk covered in, what looked like, chain letters.

Hogan looked between her and Klink's door then, after slowly shutting the door, moved toward Hilda's desk. "What's all this?"

"Chain letters." Hilda said opening them with a sigh.

"Returned letters?" Hogan guessed and picked one up.

Hilda shook her head. "He joined the International Chain Letter Club." This meant more chain mail.

Hogan closed his eyes to keep from either laughing, or to subdue his frustration. He wasn't sure. "Could you make sure he doesn't send them to me and my men at least."

Hilda nodded. "I'll certainly try. He's sent them to me too."

Hogan smiled sympathetically and left with the letters in hand.

When he returned to the barracks Carter looked at him and saw he still had the letters then looked back at Hogan again.

Hogan saw the look in the young man's eyes again. What was the look? Hogan had a somewhat bad feeling about it.

The next day Shultz showed up with more mail.

Hogan knew what it was. And he could tell Carter had no patience from chain letters. Who would have guessed his biggest pet peeve was chain letters?

Hogan again went to Hilda and she said she'd do her best, sometimes Klink slips the letters into the mail without her knowledge.

Hogan returned with the letters. Carter sighed and looked away at the sight of them.

For the next week the men kept getting the chain letters in growing numbers.

Finally Carter had had enough and spoke up. "Colonel, I want to file a protest. These letters are a form of cruel and unusual treatment."

Hogan knew Carter was annoyed with them but was it really that bad? They were in his office. Kinch, Newkirk and Lebeau were present. "Why do you feel this way?"

"Because it gets our hopes up that we are receiving word from home and our loved ones and in fact they are just junk mail that gets our hopes up and crushes them, Sir."

Hogan could understand this. But was this really Carter's problem? "I'll have a word with Klink. Then-"

"No need Sir." Carter said and a smile, that clearly didn't belong on his face, emerged. He turned and with his usual cheerfulness trotted out of the room.

Hogan and the men looked at one another worried about Klink rather than Carter.

"What was that all about?" Newkirk asked putting his hands in his pockets.

Hogan stood from where he was sitting at his desk. "I don't know but I think I better check on Klink." Hogan grabbed his hat and came out of his room to find Carter wasn't in the barracks. He looked to one of the other men. "Where did Carter go?"

The man looked up from where he sat on his bed reading. "I think he went outside."

Hogan turned and opened the barracks door to find Carter coming out of the Kommandant's office. He quickly walked up to Carter, "What are you doing?"

Carter looked up at Hogan. "Sir?"

"What were you doing in there?" Hogan was stern and he didn't really know why.

"I was returning a chain letter." Carter said simply.

Hogan looked Carter in the eyes and saw that he wasn't lying. "Alright head back to the barracks."

Carter did so. Just before he entered the barracks he looked back and saw Hogan heading into the office. He smiled and opened the barracks door.

Hogan walked into the office and saw Hilda, her head down on the desk with a pile of chain letters on her desk. Hogan went over to her and placing his hand on her arm leaned down and kissed the back of her neck.

She didn't move.

"Hilda?"

"Hm?" She lifted her head. She had fallen asleep. That wasn't like her. "Oh. Colonel Hogan." She sat up straight then realized she had fallen asleep. "Oh!" She quickly got back to work.

"What is all this?" Hogan asked concerned.

She sighed. "The Kommandant, he's had me working over time to finish the back work. Ever since these letters started coming they've been nothing but trouble." she said with sleepy eyes.

Hogan sighed, these chain letters had to stop. He moved around the desk and left Hilda to her work. He opened the door to Klink's office. "Sir, about these chain letters…"

"Hogan! You wont believe this! I got a chain letter today, it says that if I do these few tasks I'll become General!" Klink was overjoyed. "It was slipped under my door."

Hogan stopped. "What?"

Klink handed him the letter. It was hand written. Carter's hand writing. 'Oh no.' Hogan read the tasks.

If you want to become General follow these easy tasks.

1. Find a party hat and wear it in a goofy fashion.

2. Cover yourself in Honey

3. Cover yourself in feathers AFTER you've covered yourself in honey. Be sure you're wearing that hat.

4. Go out into the woods that are inhabited by HUNGRY BEARS and run around screaming "I'M GONNA BE GENERAL!"

5. Scream this as loud as you can until your voice is completely gone.

6. Then return back to where you received the letter and put on a clown suit

NOTE: DO NOT Rinse off the honey and feathers.

7. Make a general's hat out of a bee hive. It has to be in use by bees.

8. Then run through a populated area.

9. Pick a fight with a butcher. He has to be big and tough and have a temper.

10. If you survive this return again and write twelve copies of this letter along with your resume and send it to only generals or higher.

11. If you complete these steps you will definitely become General.

12. After the letters have been mailed you may take a shower.

13. This all must be done with in 24 hours of reading this letter.

My Best Wishes!

When Hogan finished the letter he closed his eyes and sighed. He handed it back to Klink. It would certainly teach Klink a lesson about chain letters. He turned and left the office. He had a lecture to give to a certain young man.

Back at the barracks…

"Carter I don't care if you don't like chain letters you don't do that with out at least consulting me first." Hogan said. Sure Klink deserved it but he didn't want Carter getting into the habit of acting on his own without Hogan's knowing.

"Yes, Sir." Carter said defeated.

Newkirk and the others were at the table listening, not entirely sure what Carter did.

Hogan sighed and turned then looked back to the defeated young man sitting on the bunk. "Shall we watch?" Hogan asked, humor evident in his voice.

Carter looked up and smiled. "Yeah."

They moved to the window and looked out. There getting into a staff car was a sticky, feathery looking Colonel Klink with a goofy party hat on his head.

Carter started laughing. Hogan leaned on the window sill with a broad smile on his face. Newkirk and the others didn't know what to make of it, other than the fact that it was funny.

A few minutes after Klink drove out they could hear him screaming "I'M GONNA BE GENERAL!" over and over again until his voice was so faint that it was practically non existent. He was out screaming it for nearly four hours. Evening roll call had been taken by Shultz and the men snuck out into town afterwards, as Klink was sure to be there.

Sure enough, Klink was running down the street in a clown suit, still sticky and feathery, and being stung by bees that he had stolen a hive from. "Ow! Ow! AH! OW!"

Carter snorted and snickered. Hogan stood by watching still amused. He wasn't mad at Carter anymore for going behind his back. How could he be mad? The tasks weren't even over yet.

Still being stung, Klink, ran up to a butcher and kicked him in the shin. The butcher yelled and in his defense swung his arm and punch Klink square in the face.

Shultz who was chasing after the crazy man found him unconscious on the ground and took him to the hospital. He was released a few hours later where he immediately went back to camp and wrote the letters. He sent them out as fast as he could so he could beat the timer of twenty four hours and then took a shower. He had sting marks all over him and big bruise on his face from the night before!

Carter sat in the barracks very amused with himself. He had done this more than once before, not that he'd tell the men about it. Unless they asked of course. He'd had plenty of practice writing chain letters like those. It was the only kind chain letter he liked.

Lebeau came into the barracks in a hurry. "Klink is getting a visit from General Burkhalter!"

"That was fast!" Carter said jumping up.

The men ran into Hogan's quarters and pulled out the coffee pot.

Hogan had been sitting at his desk innocently looking at a book when the men burst in surprising him and taking his desk.

"Please, make yourself comfortable!" He said sarcastically.

"General Burkhalter is paying Klink a visit." Kinch explained.

"Oh this should be good." Hogan said putting away his book.

They heard the door to Klink's office open and slam shut over the coffee pot.

"Guh! General Burkhalter! Oh my the chain letter must have worked. You're here to promote me to General! I've never been so happy! It worked so fast!"

"KLINK! Sit down and Shut up"

"Yes, sir sit down and shut up." Klink sounded defeated.

"You think he finally realized it's a load of bunk?" Newkirk asked and was immediately shushed by Carter. Newkirk gave him a dirty look.

"Klink, I received a letter from you this morning about urgent business. Do you know what I received?" Burkhalter wasn't happy.

"No Sir, what?"

"Junk! I put aside my important business for a stupid chain letter. Do you know what I then received? Phone calls from eleven other generals that you had sent them the same letter you sent me. It better not happen again Klink, or you'll find yourself a private on the Russian Front!"

"Yes, Sir." Klink's misery was evident.

"Good! No more chain letters Klink or else."

"Yes, Sir. No more chain letters."

There was a maniacal laugh from next to the heroes. They turned and saw Carter laughing. "He didn't scream long enough apparently his voice should be gone. He didn't complete all the tasks! Haha!" He turned and left the room still laughing.

"Blimey, who knew he could be so cruel?" Newkirk asked a little afraid.

Hogan shrugged. "Certainly not me, but we now know, don't give him any chain letters."

"Unless we're going to have him write one to make someone else stop." Lebeau said.

"Carter must have been annoyed by them so much when he was growing up that he had to find a way to stop them." Kinch suggested at Carter's reaction to chain letters.

They all chuckled a 'yeah' and went into the common room. No more chain letters, that was good news.

[AN] My mom gave me this idea. I wanted Carter to get annoyed at something so I thought, heck, why not chain letters. They annoy me so why not him? Do they annoy you? Or do you partake in them?

Please R&R!