Messing with Harry

**Disclaimer: I don't want to own Harry. I want his potions teacher, but he's Rowlings, so bug off and start reading!**

I was sitting in Divination class with my Slytherin buddies when all of the sudden, a scroll landed in front of me. Inside were ways to mess with Harry Potter. Being unable to resist, I opened and read each, trying my hardest not to laugh.

Some ways to mess with the mind of Harry Potter:

1. Talk about his tiny ding dong

2. Tell him that you know what he did to himself last night and that his mother didn't appreciate having to watch the event

3. Ask him why he and Sirius have such a marriage-worthy relationship

4. Throw rocks at him any time he walks under a tree and ask him if that's how he likes it from the Whomping Willow

5. Tell him that being gang banged by Death Eaters is worst than being molested than Dumbledore, particularly when you're taking it up the rear from all of them at the same time

6. Ask him why he thinks that snogging Ron is the best route for him to take in life

7. Ask him why he thinks that snogging Hermione is the best route for him to take in life

8. Ask if he'd like fries with his Dumble-burger

9. Ask if he'd like a shake with them luna-fries

10. Ask if he'd like a hamburger with that Snape sandwich

11. Subscribe to a pornography site from his personal lap top then hack into the computer and make him send messages to rounchy old men

12. Send him love notes in Luna's name

13. Sing 'This is the Song That Never Ends' while you're in the shower next to him, but change 'song' to 'penis'

14. Sing 'Ring Around the Rosy' but change 'Rosy' to 'Ginny' and wait to see how long it takes for him to catch on

15. Scream 'SNAPE!' any time you see Harry doing something wrong

16. Rig his cauldron to tip over during potions and make sure it hits Snape's office door in the process

17. Rig his textbooks to scream obsinities during study hall

18. Rig the ladder when he's late for divination class

19. Send him love howlers during O.W.L.S. then try to hold in your laughter

20. Tell him that you know what he did to Umbridge and that you didn't appreaciate having to listen to the event

21. Ask him what it's like to be Umbridge's bitch

22. Draw 'I love Snape' all over his late potions homework then snicker when the two blush at the same time

23. Stare at Harry while he's peeing (when he notices, look down to his ding dong, snicker, and walk away laughing under your breath)

24. Rig his bed to fly away during the night with him still onboard (then rig it to fall into the ocean at midnight)

25. Tell him that you know what he did to Hedwig and you'll call social services if it happens again

26. Ask him when the elongator will arrive and ponder with him about its likelyhood of working

27. Tell him that you know what he did to Cedric and you'll tell Voldemort if it ever happens again

28. Tell him that you know what he did to Voldemort last night and that you didn't appreciate having to clean up after them

29. Tell him that you know what he did to his father last night and that listening to them do it made you go blind

30. Tell him that boning Hermione isn't good for his health

31. Ask him if he considers banging Voldmort a recreational activity or just a hobby

32. Tell him that Mauder is not his lover, never has been, and never will be

33. Inform him of the difference between a Seeker and him: he's stupider

34. Bring up the Occlumency then take a video of him crying like a little bitch about what happened with it

35. Call his dad a Muggle-loving pussy

36. Call his mum a prostitute, then laugh because Snape loved her long before his dad, then call his dad a pussy

37. Ask him why he likes molesting Myrtle

38. Write 'I frequent the girls' restroom' on his back during potions, then watch Snape try his hardest not to laugh

39. Tell him that even Snape looks better than him

40. Ask him why he finds George and Fred attractive. If he says he doesn't, then inform him that Ginny is a lot like Fred and George, then walk away before he starts masturbating in front of you

41. Write 'I fondle Muggles' on his back during Muggle Studies class

42. Inform him of the difference between him and dragon shit: the looks (he looks worse)

43. Tell him that you know what he did to Collin last night and that doing it again could get him into Heaven, then record the show that happens during then night and play them in a Howler to Snape

44. Tell him that four-ways are unhealthy and that participating in them will give you AIDS

45. Ask him if the Sorcereer's Stone helped his aim any (this only works if he pees standing up)

46. Tell him you know what he did to Hagrid last night and that getting the school to clean up after him is a cheap move.

47. Ask him why he likes Filch touching him there and likes Mrs. Norris to watch.

48. Tell him that McGonagall is smoking, then watch him try to defend her make sure you record it!

49. Tell him he never did know how to read and get Ron to ask for his underwear back (since we all know Harry is lame enough to have to write his name on his own underwear)

50. Hold up a condom to your friends, look at him, and go "oh, I didn't know they let children in here. Move along, you wouldn't understand. No, this is not what you think it is. I don't eat candy, and Raumon noodles aren't served here. Move along, Potter." If he walks away before you finish saying all that, pull the prank on Ron too.

When I finished reading, I vowed to carry each one out, but that never happened. The next day, the video of the events hit the web, and the list became worthless. Whoever filmed these events taking place must be the greatest wizard to live. Maybe they should hide while this goes on. We wouldn't want to second-handly kill another wizard!—

"OH! OH! HARRY!" Ron screamed. "DON'T JUMP! Damn…. Hermione? Tell Dumbledore he jumped."

"Whatever for?"

"He killed himself! What else would it need to be for? Why the bloody hell do you have a camera? Hermione, are you the one who made those videos? Wait…you didn't make one about me did you?"

"What if I did?"

"Oh no…no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no…. AHHHHHH!" Ron screamed. He joined Harry at the bottom of the castle. Hermione smiled and turned around.

"Professor! They're gone now! Now do you believe I'm only in it for you?"

"Yeah, but you didn't have to make snide comments about me 'ermione," Hagrid whispered.

"I'm sorry. Care to join me in blackmailing Malfoy for knowing about the list and/or videos?"

"It'll make my day!" Hagrid exclaimed, following her down the stairs leading from the roof of the castle. The trouble never ends….