To Be Human

Author: Tara aka LovinJackson

Summary: Tag to 4.12 "The Getaway" Dexter finds out that knowing what it is to be human can be really painful when he walks into his worst nightmare. MAJOR SPOILERS!!!

Disclaimer: I do not own the TV Series "Dexter". No Copyright Infringement Intended

A/N1: MAJOR SPOILERS for episode 12, Season 4 of "Dexter"!! Don't read further if you haven't watched the episode and don't want to be spoiled!!!

Okay, I know I am wildly branching out into another fandom here. If you are a follower in my "SUPERNATURAL" stories, then I am sorry for the distraction and I promise that my Fic "Blind Faith" is still coming. BUT after watching the last episode for the year of Dexter last night, I couldn't get it out of my head. The ending was something I really hadn't expected and I really was kind of bummed about. I mean not that it wasn't awesome story telling because it was but he was soooo happy. Things were working out *cries* I even dreamt about the last scene of episode 12 last night lol So this story just came out of nowhere. I don't know if it's any good since I haven't written much outside of the SUPERNATURAL fandom but it was something that I just had to get out of my system. This isn't Beta'd or even looked at by anyone else so all mistakes are my own ;) Hope you enjoy!

To Be Human

Dead.

The word kept racing through his mind over and over and over again as he took his son away from the garish scene in the bathroom.

Hadn't it only been just a few days earlier that he'd been bathing his feverish baby son and promising him that everything was going to be alright, that nothing was going to hurt him?

That serene, peaceful moment was replaced by the sight of blood and loss and his dead wife floating in a bath of her own blood.

Dexter stumbled as he choked on a sob that threaten to break past his usually cool and collected exterior. Harrison remained quiet in his arms now but Dexter could still hear his terrified cries from when he'd found him sitting covered in his mother's blood, reminiscent of himself when his own mother had been murdered.

He needed to get out of the house. He needed to get away from the scent of death that permeated his once happy family home.

He fumbled with the door, Harrison's small arms snaking around his neck as he fought with the door handle. Finally his shaking hand managed to obey the command from his scattered brain and the doorknob twisted in the right direction. Wasting no time, Dexter pushed the wooden barrier open and rushed outside.

His lungs filled with clear, clean oxygen and it somehow suffocated him more. His chest heaved and a sudden feeling of helplessness and panic came over him and he couldn't breathe.

"I warned you about this, Dexter."

"Shut up!" Dexter yelled. He didn't need to turn and look to know who that voice belonged to. His legs shook and for the first time since he'd walked into his worst nightmare, Dexter realised he was shaking all over. He backed up into the exterior wall of the house and slid down it. "Just shut the fuck up!" he added, more venom to his voice as he hugged his baby son tighter to him.

His 'father', Harry Morgan - and ever present company inside his own mind - walked around him until Dexter could see his legs from his seated position on the porch floor. The man was dead but Dexter hadn't been able to escape him and his lessons. Harry Morgan was always there in his mind's eye, ready to tell him what to do, to criticize him, to taunt him. But what killed Dexter was that Harry had warned him.

"You broke pattern, Dex. How many chances did you have to kill Trinity? You hesitated. Having a family made you second-guess yourself, and now …"

Dexter looked up. There was fire in his eyes as he glared at the silhouetted image of his dead father. "I said shut up!" He didn't want to hear the end of that sentence. He didn't want to hear the words – seeing it was bad enough.

"Rita is dead."

Dexter shook his head, tears formed without his consent but there was no way he was allowing them to fall. "This shouldn't have happened, it … she was supposed to be gone," Dexter rambled to himself more than to his father. He had sent Rita and the baby away, the late honeymoon all in the effort to make sure they were safe, to make sure he could finish this once and for all, kill Trinity like he should have in the beginning and erase the threat to his family.

"You should have taken him out from the beginning, not get to know him."

"You think I don't know that?" Dexter spat. He'd been surprised to find Trinity had a family, another life. He was a monster, a serial killer and yet he had – what had at first seemed like - a happy family. It had been too tempting, to find out how he did it. How he managed it all when Dexter was still learning, struggling to manage his own family with his long list of dead criminals. Why hadn't he just killed him? That question plagued him along with the image of his now dead wife.

He pulled Harrison away from him, ran his fingers over the small body, making sure the baby wasn't hurt. The kid was fine but relief was swept away when he looked into the baby's blood splattered face, his own expression crumbling only for him to catch it before he completely fell over the deep end.

"They were bound to get hurt eventually, Dexter. You were juggling too much, finding it harder to keep up. There is a reason I warned you against getting attached."

He pulled the baby back to him and bit down on his bottom lip to stop it from trembling. "The kids were away," he continued as if his father hadn't spoken. "And Rita and the baby should have been waiting for me to get to them. This shouldn't have happened … this shouldn't …"

"But it did, Dex, and now Astor, Cody and Harrison are left without a mother … because you turned soft."

"No!" Dexter shouted, his voice raw. "No …"

Why had he hesitated? Because he thought he was so much like Arthur Mitchell? Because he wanted to learn how he managed the double life? How he managed the monster inside of him while having a loving family?

He discovered a lot on this journey of self exploration. He found out that he was nothing like Arthur Mitchell. He didn't use his family as a front for his killing spree - he truly loved and needed them. He didn't hurt them purposely – he would do everything in his power to prevent them ever being hurt. He cared – yes, he'd been brought up and trained to be judge, jury and executioner but he now knew what it felt like to take an innocent after his last botched kill … he wasn't a cold hearted monster like he had been led to believe.

He was nothing like Arthur Mitchell. And yet his beautiful, amazing wife was still soaking in her own blood. His family had still been hurt. Maybe his father had been right.

"You know I am, Dexter. I've been trying to tell you all along. Your family was getting in the way."

Dexter glared up at Harry. "Fuck you." His family had been what was keeping him from turning into another Harry Morgan. His family had been what was keeping him human.

"If you had of just …"

"Go away," Dexter stated quietly but firmly.

When Harry remained, Dexter struggled to his feet. "Go AWAY!" he screamed. Harrison tensed in his arms and started crying again, loud and terrified. Thick tears rolled down his soft, blood stained baby cheeks … but Harry Morgan was gone.

"Shhh … shhh … it's okay, little guy, its okay," Dexter whispered to his baby shakily, holding the kid to him and rocking him.

Dexter wanted to cry with him - rage, scream. He could feel it building inside him and he had no outlet, he had nowhere to go, nothing to do about this. He had already killed Arthur Mitchell. The Trinity killer was dead but he had gotten the last laugh. There was no-one to kill for this, no-one to lash out at because Dexter had already killed him and the lack of control was sending him into a panic.

He heard sirens in the distance but paid them no mind as he walked onto the freshly mowed front lawn. Cody's bike sat on its side where he had left it before his adventure with his sister and grandparents at Disneyworld.

Dexter fell to his knees on the grass, holding onto his baby tight. What was he going to tell Astor and Cody? They'd already had to bury their biological father and now because of his mistake, they had lost their mother too. All they had left was him … and wasn't he just a glowing endorsement for safety and protection.

"What am I going to do?" he whispered against Harrison's light baby hair. His chest constricted as the smell of Rita's blood wafted up from his small son, bringing back the image of her lying cold and lifeless in the tub just like all of the other Trinity victims … only Rita wasn't just another victim. She was his wife, the mother of his kids … and Trinity had killed her to spite him.

Cars screeched to a halt, doors opened and closed and voices became apparent. The Calvary was here, the cops he worked with every day. He didn't want to see them. "Dexter!"

He couldn't breathe. He remained frozen to the spot on his lawn, his shaking arms closed around his now motherless son once again.

"Fuck, Dex!" Hands were on his shoulders and Dexter slowly looked at the newcomer in front of him.

"Deb," Dexter addressed his sister mechanically, his eyes glazed, shock setting in.

"What happened? We got a call from your neighbour…" Deb trailed off as she seemed to take in the state of her brother and nephew. "Are you okay? Harrison?" She started prying at him, at Harrison. "Where the fuck's all this blood coming from?"

"'s'not mine," Dexter supplied. He opened his mouth to tell her more, to tell her something but having his sister in front of him broke something inside of him.

"Dexter? Shit, what's wrong?" Deb looked around and then her eyes rested back on the pair in front of her, fear crept in and time seemed to slow down as Deb pieced the missing pieces together. "Where's Rita?"

A tear finally escaped, trailing down his face and a sob was ripped from his throat and for once? He didn't care. He was over with the show.

Tonight he wasn't a blood spatter expert for the police department; he wasn't a serial killer by night, ridding Miami of its filthiest criminals.

He was just a grieving, husband/father/brother … something his father and Arthur Mitchell would never truly understand.

He was human.

The End

A/N2: Wow … if anything? I feel better now having got that out of my system. I would love to know what you thought anyway so reviews are most welcome from either fandom LOL Hope it didn't suck too much! *Loves Dex* I'm so sad for him and the kids :(

Have a good rest of the week people and I am really trying very hard to get the last chapter of Blind Faith to you before Christmas! If real life permits!

Tara x0x