Chapter 5 – The Wedding

And so, in the Abbey, Catherine awaited her nuptials with considerable excitement. Never would she have thought, when she awoke today, that in the course of that day she would discover the mysteries of the marital chamber, marry her one true love and acquire an army of huge crab monsters who were slaves to her merest demand. How exciting it all was, she thought. How many other girls managed to achieve so many of their dreams with so little trouble? And, as she started to think about the mysteries of the marital chamber, and how very soon she could enact them, as it were, on demand (for what better cause had Henry for using his time than pleasuring his wife?) she began to feel all warm and excited. So, as nothing seemed to be happening to move her marriage forward, she thwacked the chief crab thing with her poker and said,

'Why aren't I married yet? Where's the priest? Where are the bridesmaids? And most important, where's Henry? He hasn't got cold feet has he?' she added, suspiciously. The crab thing, in as far as she could tell given its somewhat alien physiognomy, looked pained and buzzed,

'The human male you call Henry did try to escape when you announced your intention to spawn with him, but he was prevented from doing so. In fact, here he comes now.' And, indeed, there was Henry, dangling from one leg, which a crab thing was holding in its claw. Catherine relaxed,

'Oh yes, there you are my darling. Isn't it excited, us getting married so soon?' The crab thing dropped Henry, who collapsed on the floor and groaned. 'Well, isn't it?' repeated Catherine, with considerably more menace. Henry found his voice and said,

'Well, I know it was on the cards one day, but I hadn't intended to propose just yet, in fact I don't recall proposing at all; don't I usually get the opportunity to ask you before it happens?'

'But that's what makes it so exciting,' said Catherine, clapping her hands together. 'This way we don't have to wait for you to get your courage up, we can just get married, exercise our God-given right to the mysteries of the marital chamber as much as possible, and in between go forth on a crusade to conquer the entire world. That is right, isn't it,' she asked the crab thing, which replied,

'Yes mistress, if it is your will.' Catherine smiled and looked into the far distance:

'Oh it is,' she said, 'I always wanted to be a queen, but there were no vacancies. Now I can, and have you,' this to Henry, 'At my side and in my bed. Oh how glorious it is going to be.'

'Yes mistress,' said the crab thing, 'And may I say how pleased we are that you are taking this attitude.'

'It's a pleasure,' said Catherine. 'Now, why aren't I married yet?' Henry thought he saw a way out and said,

'But we can't be married, because we don't have a license. We need a license signed by the bishop before we can get married.' Catherine stared at him with contempt:

'You are talking,' she said, 'To the future Empress of Everything. What do I care for bishops? I will get married when and where I want to get married, and if one of my future subjects objects, well, we've got lots of empty brain cylinders waiting to be filled.' Henry quailed. What had happened to the innocent, rather naive girl he had fallen in love with? Not that he wasn't still in love with Catherine, and it had to be noted that she was dynamite in bed, but he was a bit uneasy about this new Empress of Everything persona, and wished she might show just a little of her old girlishness. Which fortunately she now did, for a voice cried,

'Darling!' and Eleanor was upon them, wearing a gown so revealing that it left absolutely nothing to the imagination, and followed by no fewer than three men. Catherine shrieked, dropped her poker and rushed to embrace Eleanor, saying,

'Oh Eleanor, how pleased I am to see you. How ever did you find out?'

'Well,' said Eleanor, 'I was busy pleasuring these gentlemen,' she pointed them out, in case Catherine hadn't noted them, 'When one of those big pink things came in through the door. At first I was terrified, in case it happened again just like before, but instead of taking my brain it delivered a wedding invitation. I could scarcely say no, could I? And I can always finish pleasuring these gentlemen afterwards.'

'That's very sensible of you, my dear,' said Catherine. 'So, would you like to be my bridesmaid?' Eleanor blushed and looked at the ground, where her foot drew patterns on the pavement. She said,

'Well, I'd love to, but you see, I'm not exactly a maid any more.' Catherine was impressed,

'Gosh. That was quick work. I didn't realise you were that serious about it.'

'Oh my dear, you can't imagine the repression of all those years of having to live up to the General's standards, when all I wanted was to go to parties, drink too much and find somebody to love for the night. It's such bliss being a loose woman.' Which she probably shouldn't have said, because though Henry hadn't understood much of the preceding dialogue, he did understand that and, taking a stance of remonstrance, he said,

'My sister, are you saying you have besmirched your honour, leaving yourself forever damaged and unable to achieve a good match?' Eleanor stuck out her tongue and said,

'No more than you did to your girl-friend, no offense of course,' this bit to Catherine. 'And anyway, I don't want a good match. I want a good time. There is a difference.'

'Yes, you shut up, Henry,' said Catherine, 'If Eleanor wants to be a courtesan then why shouldn't she? I'm sure she'll be very good at it. But anyway, back to the important stuff, that is to say, my wedding. If you can't be a bridesmaid, how about matron of honour?'

'My sister, dishonoured,' moaned Henry.

'That's true,' continued Catherine. 'Bother it. How about you just stand with me anyway and look decorative? Which you do in that gown, my dear, it really suits you. And then if I get cold feet, you can marry Henry.' This was too much for Henry, who had not previously considered that the naiveté he had bemoaned the loss of in Catherine, when coupled with an unhealthy dose of gothic romance, might lead her to not realise just how much of a faux pas it might be for an up and coming man of the cloth to marry his own sister. He turned bright red and, because he couldn't work out what to object to first, started to cluck like an ill-tempered hen.

'Oh now what's wrong?' said Catherine, impatient at her beloved's apparent unwillingness to enter into the spirit of things.

'I can't marry my sister,' he protested. Catherine went straight to the nub,

'But Oedipus married his mother, so obviously marrying your sister must be all right.' Henry could scarcely believe this, and couldn't think of anything to say but,

'And that was wrong!' but Catherine just replied,

'Well anyway, it won't be necessary, because nothing, not even the need to subjugate the world to my will, will stop me marrying you,' to prove which she stuck her tongue down his throat again, after which she, now breathing heavily and somewhat red in the face, said, 'Shall we go?' and set off for the altar, with Eleanor and the chief crab thing in tow. 'Now, we'll stand up here,' she said, 'You,' the crab thing, 'Can give me away, and you,' Eleanor, 'stand beside me as my bride's . . . woman. What are we doing about an audience?' The crab thing spoke up, saying,

'Mistress we have brought the populated brain cylinders up from our base. As you will see, we have set them out in the pews, where they can witness the ceremony and join in with the hymns.' Catherine clapped her hands and said,

'Oh what a lovely idea. Don't you think so, Eleanor? Why it means that even your father will get to see me get married.'

'Are you sure that's a good idea, my dear?'

'Oh I think so, surely at least some of our parents ought to be here to see how happy I am making Henry. Look at him,' she pointed to where Henry appeared to be having a choking fit, while a solicitous crab thing patted him on the back, 'He's really enjoying this, I can tell. Good. So what about the priest?' The Crab thing replied,

'One of us has gone to get a priest, and here, I think he is now.'

Indeed, another crab thing entered the Abbey carrying a priest by one leg held in its claw (clearly that was how they moved things about, reflected Catherine). It came up to Catherine and dropped him in front of her.

'Er, good afternoon, your reverence,' she said, 'Do you know why you're here? No. Right then, I'm marrying him,' she pointed at Henry, 'And you're doing the ceremony? I hope that's all right.' The priest stood up and said,

'Well, neglecting the fact that I am not used to being dragged from my lodgings by a giant pink crab, I have to ask, of course, whether you have a license?'

'There, I told you,' said Henry. Catherine smiled sweetly at the priest and said,

'Well, no, not as such. But I thought that, as it was me, you might just, well, marry us as a favour, don't you know?'

'No I don't know,' said the priest sternly, 'No license, no wedding.' Catherine smiled again, slightly less sweetly,

'But I'm sure I could make it worth your while. My friend here,' indicating Eleanor, 'Is just setting up as a professional courtesan, and I'm sure she'd love to have one of the higher clergy as a customer.'

'Oh yes, no doubt about it,' said Eleanor, 'It adds loads of class. Only the best for the men of the cloth, after all.'

The priest looked as if he might about to have an attack of apoplexy.

'You have the nerve,' he said, 'First to bring what I can clearly tell is a loose woman into my church, and then to try to bribe me, a man sworn to uphold the highest of moral standards, with offers of sharing in her moral turpitude. Be gone, harlot.'

'I'm not a harlot,' said Catherine, 'I've only made love with my fiancée. It's Eleanor here who's the harlot.' The priest turned bright scarlet, pointed at the door and shouted,

'Get thee hence, Jezebel.' At which Catherine decided the time had come to lose her temper. She could put up with a lot of things, but being called 'Jezebel' was a bit much when she had always done her best to be a good girl, and more or less obey her elders. So she turned to the crab thing that had brought the priest in, and which was still standing beside him, and said,

'In that case, kill him. We must have at least one priest in the cylinders.'

'What?' cried the priest as the crab thing whisked him off his feet to dangle, once more by one leg. 'Let's not get hasty here. Perhaps I was a little unfair. After all, it's only natural to want to get married in a hurry if you're in love, and I'll be only too pleased to carry out the ceremony if only this thing will put me down and you promise not to kill me.' Catherine smirked,

'I thought that would work. All right, put him down.' The crab thing dropped the priest, who pulled himself to his feet and, after a little heavy breathing during which he got control of himself again, said,

'So, you're the bride, and the groom is?' Catherine reached over and grabbed Henry, who had been trying to sneak away, in as far as one could when surrounded by crab things fanatically loyal to the woman away from whom one was trying to sneak, then said,

'Here.'

'So let's get started. Dearly beloved, we are gathered together . . .' and so it proceeded, unusually without a hitch up to the bit where the priest did the 'just cause of impediment' bit, at which a metallic voice spoke up from the serried ranks of brain cylinders, saying,

'Yes I object. I won't have my son marrying a nobody. Why she has no fortune, no family, nothing. I expect more for my son. He must marry into the nobility, he must . . .' Catherine and Eleanor looked at one another and both said,

'The General.' They walked across to the tube in question, accompanied, as always, by the chief crab thing. Catherine confronted the General and said,

'So what exactly is your objection to me?'

'You are a perfectly nice young girl,' said the General, 'But my son needs more than a nice young girl. Where is your fortune? Where are your connections? You have none.'

'I,' said Catherine, 'Am soon to be mistress of the world, and after that the entire Universe if I want to. Is that not true?'

'Yes Mistress, if so you wish it; we will be only too happy to oblige,' said the crab thing.

'And as mistress of the universe, if I want to marry your son, I will,' said Catherine. 'Is that clear?'

'Pshaw,' began the General, but then Eleanor interrupted and said,

'And Catherine has been so good for us. Look how much happier I am now, thanks to her.'

'What? Is that my daughter? You should be ashamed of yourself madam. What is a well brought-up young lady like you doing here, in public, dressed like a common whore?'

'I am not a common whore,' said Eleanor, clearly hurt. 'I have every intention of being a very expensive and exclusive whore. I believe the term is 'courtesan'. And I've made a very good start with these three gentlemen here, all of whom have expressed an interest in establishing long-term relationships. And who pay more for half an hour spent on my back than you ever gave me in pin money. So, basically, what I'm saying is up yours, father.'

The brain of General Tilney was clearly horrified, it said,

'Eleanor, I beseech you, nay, I command you to give up this nonsense and remember your place in society. As a courtesan, as you call it, you can never establish a good marriage,'

'But I can make a thousand pounds a go,' said Eleanor. Catherine was surprised by this, and asked,

'Do you really make that much?' Eleanor explained,

'Well, before, when he knew it was my first time, the gentleman offered me five pounds, but afterwards, after he had expressed his disbelief at it possibly being my first time, and I had proved to him that it was, he offered me a thousand and use of a house in Royal Crescent.' Catherine was duly impressed, saying,

'Well, if you can do that well on your first day . . .'

'I know,' said Eleanor, 'Isn't it wonderful, and isn't it terrible to think of all those years I wasted being good.' The General was not so impressed, or at least, not so positively impressed:

'My daughter, of whom I had such hopes for achieving a great alliance, corrupted forever, and all thanks to that nasty Morland girl. I never liked her; I shouldn't have let Henry . . .' Well, Catherine wasn't having this. She turned to the crab thing and said,

'Do you really need this brain? It sounds as if it's defective to me.' The crab thing thought, and replied,

'We usually like to keep all the brains, just in case, but if you wish it.'

'Oh I do. Eleanor, shall I?' Eleanor nodded, and as the General blustered,

'What are you doing? How dare you threaten me? Let me remind you who I am. I am General Til...'

'No,' said Catherine, 'You are a brain in a tin can, belonging to a bunch of giant crabs whom I, let me remind you, command. Now do you want to withdraw your objection, or shall I get the crabs to throw you away, ending once and for all your miserable pretence of a life?' Well, put like that there was no real option for the former General but to submit, and so they finished the wedding, somehow or other. The crab things clacked their claws in joy as Catherine flung herself at Henry and kissed him passionately, breaking off only to whisper in his ear,

'And now we have only one thing to do before conquering the world.'

'And what is that, my dear?'

'Well,' she coloured and looked at him from under her eye-lashes, 'I thought we might do that again, to celebrate being man and wife. But if you don't want to . . . Ah, I see you do. So take me, Henry, my love.'