I know, it only took me about 4 or 5 months to get this done. It just didn't work out, and I was addicted to RE5 co-op, it's a lot of fun. I've turned on my PS3 and will now run through the game just to finish this.

Warnings; Chris may be OOC. This contains some crack. I completely re-wrote the ending of RE5 for some reason. Mild language. Very, very mild sexual references.

Thanks a lot for reviewing chapter 3; MistressMaryD., boss-slayer, riddlebox89, Desert Starr, CallMeKenpachi, Gerkyhen, XSakixTakashiX, kelley28, Jay Zero Snake, Moonlit Assassin, WeskyTron4211, d-chan-67, Ava-Connie, Vampuric Spider, RE lover and A Chesire's Grin.

I really, really appreciate it!

Enjoy.

Hi, Capcom!

This is Chris Redfield, and like some of the people I both like and dislike, I felt the need to write you a letter. Not just to complain, but also to rant, praise and share my opinions on the good parts of your game.

Here we go… Starting with a few simple things I would like to point out.

My appearance!

Oh lovely, I look so good… So muscular, so tall, so boyish yet mature. Capcom, you did a wonderful job at capturing my looks, I have no complaints about that part whatsoever.
The only thing I find sad is that nobody in the game commented on them. Then again, maybe they were used to seeing Krauser. I know that once you've seen the Krauser, nothing can surprise you anymore.

But still, Capcom… A compliment would've been nice.

Costumes!

Some of them were brilliant! I liked the Warrior one most, but I also enjoyed seeing myself run around in the Heavy Metal one and the Zebra pajamas.
Everyone I know says they weren't pajamas, but I am Chris, so I should know better. They were pajamas. How I know that? Well, I actually own a pair of pajamas just like that! Whenever I wear them, Jill goes nuts and jumps me. They're good pajamas, they bring me a lot of luck.

I however wasn't too sure about my S.T.A.R.S. uniform. I know the fangirls love it, and so do I, but… They are so old right now, if I ever wore them again, they would rip from fear. As you may have noticed, I have grown quite a big since the nineties, so it doesn't fit anymore anyway.

I also feel a bit gross when I think about wearing that uniform again. It has had all of my body's fluids on them, so I prefer to only touch it with gloves now.

Sheva's Costumes!

They rocked my socks off. That is all I can say about them. My favorite was the Tribal one, closely followed by Fairytale. Oh my, no complaints there whatsoever.
I must make sure Jill doesn't read this, I don't think she would appreciate it.

Professional mode!

It-was-awful.
I thought, after Veteran, Pro would be a walk in the park, but boy was I wrong… I started off nicely, but as I got to Ndesu, I realized it would very probably take me a bit longer than the four hours I was planning to spend on it.
I actually had to team up with Wesker to beat him, but Wesker refused to really help me out until I had died a total of fifty times. Then he messaged me on PlayStation Network;

'Chris… That was pathetic. My not-so-sincere apologies for waiting this long to help out, I was watching my hair grow. Perhaps you might want to consider playing Pikachu's Island instead, because you're really not that great at Resident Evil.
Albert Wesker.'

He's such a nice man, isn't he?
… Not really, no.

He was also supposed to help me with the Wesker and Jill fight, but once again only after I died a certain number of times. I then messaged him with 'Wesker, help!' and he commented back with the rather obvious;

'Chris… I refuse to shoot myself in the back. Not because I don't know how to, but because I don't see the point in hiding. You see, Chris;
You can't hide forever!
Albert Wesker.'

I then got scared and removed Wesker from my Friends List. I now have nightmares every time I hear him say that in the game. It's a good thing I live with Jill, otherwise I might've moved to Sweden.

To get back to my actual point; I did not finish on Pro until someone who should never be mentioned befriended me, and helped me out. Oh how I wish that person would be online more. We would have a blast.

My personality in the game.

It makes a lot of sense to me, really. I come across as sturdy and loyal, and that is exactly what I am. I seem caring too, which is Jill's favorite trait in me.
I, however, do not curse in real life. You see, Jill is a bit Christian, meaning she believes in God whenever she needs Him for something. So, ever since we moved in together, Jill told me that every time I would curse, I would have to buy her jewelry.

I stopped cursing right away by applying a very simple trick while wanting to curse; I changed almost all curse words I would use into animals. Examples;

"God damnit, Wesker!" became "Goat damnit, Wesker!"

Other examples;
Crap becomes Crab.
Bollocks becomes Bullocks.
Fuck becomes Duck.
Shit becomes Sheep.
Motherfucker becomes Daddy. Because that one actually makes a whole lot of sense, and my daddy could be quite the animal at times. He was a hunter, you see?
Son of a Bitch becomes Chris. Because I am a son of my mother, and my mother worked for the police. And well, you know what they say about the police, all bitches and mofos. I'm not sure how she is an animal, though.

I'm sure you get the point now, so… If you ever make a RE-make, consider changing the times I curse into the times I use words I just wrote down a second ago. Thank you in advance.

Then there were the people in the game…

Sheva.
Sheva is sweet, Sheva is pretty, Sheva is cute and Sheva has gorgeous headlights on her car. (She drives a Volkswagen Beetle!)
I can't complain about her whatsoever. I thought she was a great partner in real life, and in the game she wasn't too bad either. The only thing that bothered me was how it sometimes took her forever to arrive at her destination in the game (my side, that would be). Especially during a speed through this had caused me quite the few problems.

In an attempt to get around that, I did that before I started to play on Professional, I teamed up with Wesker playing as Sheva. This is what our chat looked like;

Chris; Wesker, come on! I'm on the elevator, you need to get in too. Press O!
Wesker; I cannot do that.
Chris; Why not? COME ON you said we'd speed through!
Wesker; Sheva cannot come, she is claustrophobic, no elevators for her…

And then, an hour or so later;

Chris; HURRY! This isn't a walk in the park!
Wesker; Sheva is lost, you might want to try and pick her up so you can show her the way…

Then I noticed, on the map on the PDA, that Wesker was constantly running from me, thus ending the purpose of a speed through.

Chris; You can't hide forever!
Wesker; I am currently sending your PS3 a virus, if I were you, I would disconnect as soon as possible… Oops, too late.

He never sent me a virus, I think, but I did freak out big time.
Anyway, improve game-Sheva's Artificial Intelligence, and she will make the perfect partner, just like in real life.
She really was a good partner… I'm still bummed out she is banging Josh Stone, otherwise I might've had to get myself a threesome.

Irving;
Yeah… I have no words, to be honest. But killing him in that boss-fight was easy, on all difficulties.

Jus' sayin'…

Excella;
Not sure what to say about her… In real life she looked better than in the games, that's for sure. However, in real life, she didn't seem half as sane. I think you didn't do a very good job at portraying Excella, but that doesn't really matter, she isn't worth the trouble anyway.

I did, however, like her voice-actress. That woman sounded very sexy, so after playing the game, I was constantly urged to put on my Zebra pajamas and show them to Jill… Because Jill + Pajamas = Lucky Chris.

Josh;
Awesome guy, you portrayed him perfectly well. I liked his accent, his looks and everything he did. Don't change Josh, or I might have to yell at you.

The little people, named Dave, Kirk, Reynard, Dechant and Ozwell E. Spencer;
Yeah… I wasn't impressed. They helped the story, but Reynard didn't even exist in real life. As for Spencer…
Did you know the E. stands for Ebbelbuez? If you scramble the letters you get Beelzebub, which literally means 'Lord of the Flies'. He must not have smelled very nice… Then again, in Christianity he is also supposed to be a demon, so maybe the name fit him after all.

It doesn't matter anymore, because out of all people that are supposed to be dead, but aren't, Spencer is the only exception.
He really did die, and let us all be happy about that.

Jill;
She's mine, and mine alone. You did well portraying her, but in real life I did not just leave her behind like that. I first made sure she was safe with Josh, and whenever I had the chance, I would make an attempt to contact her.

I seem like quite the bad partner right after the 'we have to get that device off her chest!' thing, and that really saddens me. I am Chris, I am caring and loyal, so none of my partners will ever be left behind.

… Except Brad, but hey, you can't safe everyone right? I don't like chickens anyway, in this videogame they actually attacked me, and that immediately cured me of my love for the feathery beings.

Wesker;
I was not saving the best for last, because the best characters are obviously Jill and Sheva. I was saving him for last because it is ducking hard to really form an opinion on his appearance in the game.

He seemed like the old Wesker in the beginning, but as time went by in the game, he became obsessed. I didn't like that, because had all that really happened in real life, then I wouldn't have to still listen to his rants and speeches whenever I see him at parties.

Wesker did not become obsessed with killing me, and I bet he already wrote you a letter stating that too. He instead just got tired of me after the 'seven minutes', and ran off to do Goat-knows-what. The only reason Uroboros wasn't released was because his foot got stuck in a pothole, and he was too late for his next injection. By that time, I had already secured Uroboros, making them MYoboros.

I tell that joke a lot, but nobody seems to get it. That really bugs me, you know that?

Anyway, Wesker tried to get his precious virus back from me, but I had forgotten it was a virus, and therefore accidentally infected myself when I broke a vial. I got infected and guess what;

MYoboros accepted me!

With my new awesome powers I picked Wesker up from the ground, threw him into a chopper and then we all flew off to the BSAA headquarters.
However, Wesker knew something could go wrong and then jumped out of the chopper, disappearing into the sea. We thought he had died, but my PS3 tells me otherwise.

That was what really happened, though I understand you killed him in the game, I would get sick of looking at that man all the time too.

I bet He didn't mention all this in his Letter, did he? He's too proud to admit I am all powerful too now. It's kind of a shame really, but at least he leaves me alone now. To a certain extent.

The Monsters!

Oh Capcom, some of them scared me in the game! I will happily, yet slightly ashamed, include a list of who or what has killed me, and how many times… Here we go;

Ndesu, 75 times.
Jill, 37 times.
Wesker, 21 times.
Crocodile, 20 times.
Reaper, 19 times.
Majini Base, 16 times.
Majini Town, 16 times.
Licker, 13 times.
Reaper, 10 times.
Uroboros, 6 times.

The worst creatures were the reapers, closely followed by the Lickers and Crocodiles. I thought I was going to have a heart attack when the crocodile ate me the first time, because I did not see that coming!

Leon, by the way, told me that Ndesu is a brother of El Gigante. I would like to send my condolences to El Gigante; I am sorry for killing your ugly sibling.

The conversations!I can't really complain about this either! The only conversations I did not like were the ones that involved Irving, and thankfully, there weren't that many of them.
Sure, the ranting and raving from Wesker got on my nerves too, but in the end I think he wasn't that bad to listen to. At least now I have a few new quotes that work well in certain situations. As a matter of fact, the whole game gave me appropriate quotes, I would like to thank you for that.

To end this quickly!

There was more I wanted to talk about, mainly a lot of things that happened in the cut-scenes, but when my potbelly pig sat down on my injured foot, I cursed out loud, so I must leave to buy Jill jewelry. I feel really bad now, because only a small amount of time ago, I told you to replace all curse words with animals.

Well, you know what… I'm still human, I couldn't help it.

Now what to get her? Another ring? It's too bad she doesn't have eleven fingers like I do…

Never mind what I said. All in all, it was a good game. I had fun playing it, and I will definitely give it another try sometime soon. But with my co-op partner who should never be mentioned, because Wesker is just the worst partner one could get, and let that be a lesson for a future.

Sincerely,
Chris Redfield.

Dear Capcom,
Jill here. I just read my boyfriend's letter, and I would just like to point out I am not that bad of a person as I might seem after reading this. Yes, I make him buy jewelry, but on the other hand…
Did you see those zebra pajamas? Every time he wears them, I have to have sex with him because I hate those pajamas so damn much.
I think it's only fair to get something in return.
You can expect a letter from me too, at some point. But not just yet, because I am busy.
Jill.

Ohai Capcom!
Just in case you're wondering; I am that awesome co-op partner that should never be mentioned!
But because I should never be mentioned, I won't tell you who I am. I've always wanted to be mysterious to the masses, so this is like a dream come true!
The only thing I want to say about RE5 is… Get rid of those dogs, I hate dogs. A lot.
Mystery man.

If you guess who the mystery man was, you'll get a... guinea pig treat, probably. I'm out of candy.

I'm sorry if this was a bit random. I did have a whole lot of fun writing this, and can now, with all honesty say; I like Chris Redfield.
Never thought that would ever happen.

If you liked it, feel free to comment. If you didn't; Go read something else to get this off your mind!
I must run, co-op appointment is waiting. Lmao.

Until next time,
FUNK