A/N: Oh man, I am so unsure about this fic. Hope you guys like! Crit is welcomed. I mentally had the boys around ~13ish when writing this, but honestly it doesn't really matter.

Warnings: Language, AU. No pairings.

Disclaimer: No, I don't own South Park. Duh.

It had originally been Cartman's idea to be friends with Kyle. Cartman was sort-of-friends with Kenny, who was friends with Stan, and Cartman wanted his own proper friend, or at least obedient servant, and there was nothing like loneliness to make people desperate for your approval. The new kid seemed ideal, since he'd tried to make friends with little success and had more or less given up.

This was possibly because Cartman glared ferociously at anyone who talked to his soon-to-be best friend, so by now people were avoiding him.

Best of all, Kyle didn't know about his reputation, and didn't instantly suspect something was up when Cartman decided two weeks was enough and approached him with Oscar-worthy sincerity. Kyle bought it hook, line and sinker, and soon Cartman had his very own friend.

Except two weeks apparently hadn't been enough. Cartman quickly ditched the nice-guy how-was-your-day façade after a few days spent sucking up to Kyle and avoiding Stan and Kenny, who'd know something was up and might try to steal Kyle. Cartman asked (demanded) for Kyle's homework, knowing he was pretty smart and actually worked hard in class. He dreamed of never having to do his own work again, when -

"What? Why?"

Kyle argued back. And after all Cartman's pleading, whining, violent threats and promises of swift retribution, Kyle still said that he'd be happy to help him in the future if he was stuck on anything, but copying his work was stupid and would just get both of them in trouble.

The bastard.

It went downhill from there. They argued constantly, because Kyle never did anything Cartman wanted him to and always argued back. He had a pretty spectacular temper once you fired him up, so Cartman started arguing with him for fun. Kyle was angry and miserable most of the time and Cartman was just angry, so as far as he was concerned he was winning.

He eventually realised that it wasn't worth losing his other friend (sort of) because he was spending all his time with a stupid, faggy Jew he didn't even like, even if it was to ruin his life for Cartman's own entertainment. He didn't need to avoid Kenny or Stan any more, so one lunchtime he simply plopped down at their table without so much as a "hey."

Except Kyle – goddamn, stupid, fucking Kyle – apparently didn't get the memo, so he came over and sat down, thus ruining their small talk (Cartman explaining the many and varied ways in which he utterly hated Kyle). And now he had to pretend he gave two shits about the boy sitting across from him.

"Oh, Kyle," Cartman said, putting on his sickly-sweet voice that everyone knew meant he wanted something but would probably be enough for even Kyle to get the hint, "isn't there something else you should be doing?" he glared at Kenny and Stan, who were mystified but alerted to troubled waters thanks to The Bullshit Voice, as Craig had once called it.

Kyle, however, just shrugged and said, "Uh, no, I just want to eat my lunch, dude."

Kenny and Stan snickered quietly to themselves. They were laughing at him.

Because of Kyle.

Cartman put them all on ignore mode and started shovelling food into his mouth, deciding to deal with the problem on a full stomach. They ate in silence for the next few minutes, each with their own thoughts. Cartman's consisted of trying to work out the nastiest, cruellest way to tell Kyle to fuck off in slightly more original and creative wording, but Stan leaned over and ruined everything.

"Look, dude, no offence - I mean, I don't think you're stupid or anything – but why the hell do you hang around with Cartman? I mean, Kenny seems to like him for whatever reason, but you guys are always fighting, so -"

"Stan," Cartman growled, "I am going to murder you, you fucking piece of -"

"What? You don't even like him! You were bitching about him before and he doesn't seem that bad. I mean, uh..." Stan trailed off, wilting under Cartman's furious glare.

"You know what? You know what? I don't even care!" he shouted, beside himself with fury. "Screw you guys, I'm going home! And I hope you die, Kyle!" he stomped out of the silent cafeteria with everyone's eyes following him. After a few moments to confirm that the show was over, the buzz of conversation returned, and the boys turned back to each other.

"Uh," said Kyle nervously, "sorry about that..."

"Why?" Stan asked. "Seriously, he's an asshole. You can hang out with us if you want."

"Yeah, that was awesome, dude," added Kenny.

"Y-yeah, uh, thanks," said, Kyle, smiling gratefully.

The end