CHAAAAPTEEER THREEE IIISSSSS HEEEERRREEEE!

Author's note: Hi guys! I got lazy- bored- and busy so sorry for the delay in writing this edition. Anyway I guess I shant stall any longer. I now present: (cheerleaders cartwheel their way in) "CHAPTER THREEEEEEE!" the cheerleaders cry enthusiastically! A huge "Chapter Three" banner rolls out and a football team bursts through it. YAY! (Audience chants) CHAP - TER - THREE! CHAP - TER - THREE! ( applause) football is kicked out WOOO! … … … … okay I'm gonna start writing now.

Chapter Three ( YAY! ) : Bill Nye Episodes not Released to Children 3

After yet another haunting and life scarring show, Bill Nye sat on break while talking with some other of the world's worst actors. "Well Miss Montana, how's your dad?" he asked.

"Mr. Nye!" interrupted the producer, "We need to speak."

"Sure thing- whatcha need?" replied Bill.

"Well it seems kids are less and less willing to volunteer for the audience and/or watch the show."

"So?"

"So we need to shake things up a little bit- we're giving you a narwhal assistant named Giraffe- some of Micheal Jackson's sparkly jackets to wear on set- OH and since none of the children wanted to volunteer for the show: we're replacing them with cardboard cut outs of Harry Potter."

"… Pfft- is that all?" asked Bill.

"Oh yeah and we couldn't get a camera guy willing to sign the wavers so we're training a monkey how to work the camera. Say hi to Narwhal!" cried the producer waving at the monkey.

"But I thought the Giraffe was named Narwhal." said Bill.

"No- the narwhal's name is Giraffe. And the monkey's name is Narwhal." corrected the producer.

"Oh I get it. So my assistant is Monkey the Giraffe?"

"No no no. Your assistant is Giraffe the Narwhal."

"Then the camera guy is Monkey the Narwhal?"

"No. The camera guy is Narwhal the Monkey,"

"Then who is the producer?"

"Me."

"Oh yeah, and then Monkey the Narwhal is the assistant?"

"No. Giraffe the Panda is,"

"Wait? Now there's panda?"

"No- sorry- wait I'm thinking about my friend named Panda."

"You have a friend named Panda?"

"Yeah- he's the one who gave me Narwhal the monkey."

"Cool so he just gave you the narwhal?"

"No Panda gave me the monkey named Narwhal."

"So Panda gave you Narwhal my Giraffe assitant!"

"No. He gave me a MONKEY named NARWHAL that is gonna FILM."

"Oh so- Is Narwhal filming this thing or is Giraffe!"

"Neither. The monkey is."

"So the Giraffe's name is Monkey?"

"No- the Narwhal's name is Giraffe- and the Monkey's name is Narwhal. There is no actual Giraffe."

"Wait- so, to get this straight- there is no giraffe?"

"Yes."

"No real Giraffe at all?"

"No. No giraffes."

"So who's my assistant?"

"Giraffe."

Bill punched the producer in the face.

"COULDN'T YOU HAVE JUST NAMED THEM BUDDY OR SOMETHING?" screamed Nye frustrated. The monkey looked at Bill. "You're next, Giraffe." said Bill scowling to the primate.

"His name is Narhwal." corrected Hannah Montana.

"SHUT UP YOU!"

Meanwhile- "Mommy… I don't want to watch this. It makes me die inside." whimpered a small child to her mother.

"Oh well, - it's the only thing on since the cables' busted." said her mother fixing dinner in the kitchen.

"But mom- this man makes Jerry Springer seem friendly."

"Honey- it's just for a little. Deal with it." replied her mother.

The girl stared at the screen as the show began.

"BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL! BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY!" sang the irritating theme. "HI KIDS! I'm Bill Nye and today we'll learn about Newton's laws of physics!" said the man in his familiarly creepy tone accompanied by his stalker like smile. His look simply confirmed the suspicion that he had enough restraining orders to start a collection.

"To introduce the first law- is my new assistant GIRAFFE THE MONKEY!" cried Bill.

"GIRAFFE THE NARWHAL!" corrected the producer.

"I DONT GIVE A (CENSOR BLEEEEEP)." cried Bill.

Then- a large tank of water was revealed from underneath a veil displaying a large unicorn/fish creature. The animal made a long strange groan type noise.

"Now Giraffe how about you explain Newton's first law."

The animal was silent.

….

"…Hehe- come on Giraffe… speak up."

The narwhal floated to the surface of the tank. Still silent.

"…Well Giraffe's going to take a quick visit to the taxidermist…" said Bill, "So I suppose I could give the first law!" said Bill laughing quickly.

"First of all: Any object will remain in its state of motion or state of rest unless acted upon by a force." stated Bill, "So for instance- this … bag resembling a body bag will continue to stay here unless the lazy useless janitor comes and sweeps it off set already. The force in this case being the lazy janitor WHO SHOULD COME ROLL THIS THING OUTA HERE!" cried Bill. The custodian ran in and swept the bagged corpse into a dumpster and rolled the dumpster out of the set.

"Now any volunteers for our next experiment?" said Bill into the audience.

Silence.

"How about you Daniel Radcliff?" suggest Nye pointing to one of the cut outs in the audience.

"No? It's okay- don't be shy-" said Bill dragging the cut out on set.

He placed it in a chair.

"Now just act natural as I demonstrate." said Nye, "Now- as I was saying the second law: is that there is an opposite but equal reaction for every action, so as I drop THIS anchor onto Daniel Radcliff's head, observe the reaction!"

BANG. The anchor hit the cardboard Harry square on his forehead as the cutout snapped in half and the anchor created an indent on the floor.

~Meanwhile at Hogwarts~

"GASP. Pant pant pant." wheezed Harry uneasily sitting straight up awaking from his sleep. Whipping himself out from the covers.

"What is it Harry?" calmly whispered his red headed friend Ron, awakening as well, "Another nightmare?"

"Yeah- kind of. I just have this feeling that someone- somewhere- is abusing my merchandise."

~Back on set~

"Alright- now for our third law:"

"AH! THE MONKEY IS LOOSE ATTACKING EVERYONE AND IS OUT OF CONTROL! RUUUUUUN!" cried the producer running onto set. The monkey hit the producer in the head with a bat and stared at the crew on set. THUD- the producer hit the floor hard.

"Wait then who's filming?" wondered Bill in a panicked tone.

Everyone looked to see Micheal Jackson behind the camera.

"… beat it?" suggested MJ.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screeched the crew in panic.

THEEE EEEEND!

YAY! Chapter four is under construction! SO KEEP READING/REVIEWING! Moo :p and p.s. sorry that the rest of this is fluff but I had a weird dream about Daniel Radcliff and Micheal Jackson and Bill Nye so it's 2 am and I'm kind of tired. I just really jotted this all into a fanfic cuz I cannot sleep now so HAPPY REVIEWING…. Seriously. Review. Right at the bottom there. The button that says review. Click it. … click it or else MJ will stalk you….. ZEEEEEE EEEEENNNNDDDDD! :p