She hated her hair and how she looked in the mirror. The day she'd cut it, she'd felt empowered, strong, now she just felt lonely and betrayed. She hated the way she felt because of the absence of the person that betrayed her. Running after Spock was something she'd wanted to do and needed to do, because pride was getting in both of their ways, especially in hers. She had forgiven him in the literal sense of the word. She'd accepted his apology, but she hadn't quite breached the emotional gap that needed to be crossed. They were sitting on two opposite halves of an unfinished bridge and it was up to both of them now to fill in the gap. He'd started and now she'd started, but at this moment, it seemed as if they would never meet in the middle.

She looked old with her hair short. Her face was lined from worry and crying, her eyes were puffy and red, and her skin lost its luster. She couldn't remember the last time she'd actually smiled with her eyes or laughed from her heart. Nothing seemed funny any longer; food had no taste, and she had no sex drive. When she did feel her libido rising, she bedded it down and shame washed over her until she found dreamless sleeps. She was a walking dead, a zombie, and she knew that everyone could see right through her.

Her front door to her quarters beeped and she mumbled a reply of entry, wondering only slightly who could be visiting her at this late hour.

"Nyota?" a kindly voice said. She recognized that it was Anathema.

"What brings you by?" Nyota asked, smiling wanly. Anathema held up a bottle of Betazed wine and a bag that Nyota didn't know the contents of.

"There are not a lot of females on this ship to which I am acquainted. There aren't lots of females on this ship at all and I thought that you could definitely use some company. So I brought by some wine and some other things, thinking we could have a girl's night in," Anathema responded with a smile. All at once Nyota started crying and smiling at the same time, covering her face from embarrassment. Anathema dropped the bag and the wine to the floor and went to embrace the younger woman with open arms.

"I'm such a silly, little girl right now," Nyota said, pulling back from the hug.

"Oh hush, you have a very good reason to be silly. Look, I just came by to get to know you as a friend, not as a therapist. We do not have to discuss your stupid boyfriend if you don't feel like it. And I'll turn off therapist and bash him with you, if that's what you want to do. Tonight, it's just us girls and a bottle of wine, and an old Earth holo of a 20th century movie called Waiting to Exhale."

"I haven't seen that one," Nyota said, walking towards her small kitchenette and grabbing two wine glasses and a bottle opener.

"It's a classic, you must," Anathema said, taking out the rest of the contents of the bag. In the bag were the Holo, some Cardassian avocado and papaya face puree, and a manicure and pedicure kit with five different nail polish colors to choose from. There were also a small batch of tissues, microwaveable popcorn, and a small hand-rolled cigarette filled with Andorian pipeweed.

"How did you get that on the ship?" Nyota asked in shock but slightly amused.

"I'm a doctor and Andorian pipeweed is known for its medicinal benefits, especially the benefit of relieving stress. A little doesn't hurt anyone," Anathema smiled.

"I haven't smoked since my first semester at the Academy. My roommate was an Orion and she loved the stuff," Uhura eyes turned sad, "she's dead now, died in the Battle of Vulcan. Her name was Gaila."

"You are in definite need of some cheering up," Anathema said, taking the glasses and pouring the deep, red wine into them.

"I am," Nyota laughed through her tears.

"Then go put on some comfortable clothes and let's just have a good time tonight, okay."

"Okay."

****

Nyota and Anathema were two glasses into the extremely strong Betazed wine, had their faces covered with face puree, and were passing around the Andorian joint, filling the cabin with thick, and aromatic smoke.

"She burned his clothes in the car?" Nyota said, giggle somewhat as she coughed and passed the joint back to Anathema who was giggling uncontrollably and filing her nails.

"That's not the best part, but close," Anathema smiled and watched as Angela Basset smoked a cigarette and threw it into the already burning pile of her cheating husband's clothes.

"The worst I ever did was assault Chapel in Medical Bay. It was so stupid of me, but it felt good. So good," Uhura said taking a long hit and exhaling clouds of smoke.

"Yes, Leo told me that he got you out of the brig. He's such a good man," Anathema said dreamily.

"What's going on between you two?" Uhura asked, smiling scandalously. Anathema smiled back and started to blush, or maybe it was the heat from the wine.

"We've kissed a lot. His kisses are like prayers," Anathema closed her eyes.

"Oooh, I love kisses like that. They're soft and deep and leave you breathless and weak afterwards, but in such a fantastic way. You feel like you're floating on air, like your lips touching is a prayer floating up to heaven. Spock used to kiss me like that," for a second Nyota had a far away look, and then she snapped out of it and poured another glass of wine.

"When we first met, I knew he was the one, despite all of the baggage."

"Yeah, tell me more about Len," Nyota said.

"You call him Len?"

"It's better than Bones," Nyota and Anathema laughed allowed at that.

"Where did he get that silly name from?"

"Oh, Kirk, the story goes that when they met Len said something to the effect that his wife took the whole damn planet in the divorce and all he had left was his bones. So, I guess the name just took," Nyota smiled.

"Oh, Marie was a pathetic woman."

"He never talks about her. I mean, he'll mention his ex-wife. I don't even think I've known her name until now."

"They were an ill-fit from the beginning. I met her on a number of occasions and she hated me, even though Leo and I were always above reproach. We've never even kissed until now."

"You two fell in love, that's worse than just sleeping with someone," Nyota said and her eyes opened wide with epiphany, "I think I just solved my own problem."

"None of that, you'll start crying and then get facial puree into your eyes," Anathema cracked a joke.

"Did you ever think he'd leave her for you?"

"I did. There was one time I definitely did, but then Marie got pregnant and he couldn't… he wouldn't leave her. He's the best man that I know, so smart and loving and honest," Anathema said, sipping her wine.

"You know, it's not the sex that bothers me about this situation with Spock and I. It's the regret that we both feel. I mean, neither one us is innocent in this situation now. It's like we're an emotional version of a white spy vs. black spy cartoon or something."

"That visual is priceless," Anathema chuckled.

"It is, but it's so true. He hurt me and now I'm trying my best to make him feel how hurt I am. And I'm not hurt by his Pon Farr sex with Chapel that was forgiven the day he told me. It's the way he told me, the time that elapsed between it happening and him telling me. My anger stems from the fact that I was made into a fool by a woman that meant nothing to him. And some sick, sad part of me wants to know why her feelings and her well-being were ever more important to him than mine."

"Ah yes, the elusive two weeks; I'm not standing up for him at all, but maybe he was scared of losing you."

"So that excuses him for taking me emotionally, physically and spiritually, all of me without telling me?"

"Not at all. You have every right to be upset, to be angry, to never speak to him again, but you also want him back. If you didn't want him back then you wouldn't go to therapy once a week with me."

"He's given me so many outs and I just don't take them."

"I'm speaking as your friend. How you respond to him is up to you. You can end it or you can fight with him to keep this once in a lifetime relationship alive. It's broken, but it's far from dead."

"Spock is the air I breathe; he is the rhythm of my heart. I feel guilty about thinking about men; because all I want to do is have him curled around me. And then when I think about what happened, I feel sick absolutely sick to my stomach. And I see him trying and I know he loves me, but it's like I see him in the foggy distance, coming to me."

"This isn't going to be easy. Nothing ever worth having is ever easy."

"I haven't been alone since my second year in the Academy, that's four years," Nyota said, "I haven't slept alone in three. I'm not afraid of being alone, I was before him and I can manage perfectly by myself. I just don't want to be without him, I don't want to let us go."

"Then don't. But you have to let go of your fear and apprehension. You two will hurt each other worse than anyone else in the world because you love one another. Vulnerability is the centerpiece of love. Love is just the pretty flatware. Now, which color do you want green or purple?" Anathema smiled holding up two different brilliant shades of nail polish.

*****

Leonard McCoy sat in his study up late that night reading a medical journal on his PADD. He heard his door chime and furrowed his brow at the chronometer that read 0200, but allowed the person entrance anyway. He was instantly glad that he had when he saw Anathema stumble in slightly hazy and obviously drunk.

"I like your glasses, I don't think I've ever seen them?" she said, her words slurring a bit.

"Are you drunk?"

"Yes, and a little bit high on Andorian Pipeweed," she giggled. Leonard shook his head but smiled.

"Where have you been, Miss party animal?" he asked, walking toward her and encircling her waist in his arms.

"Me and Lt. Uhura had a girl's night in."

"Girl's night in eh? I bet no topic was safe," he joked and then leaned in to kiss her. She pulled away slightly and he furrowed his eyebrows.

"Leo, where is this taking us?" she asked.

"Ana, I should have hoped that you knew this," she pulled away and walked towards his couch, her back turned.

"We've always had feelings and we've never acted on them. And now just seems so surreal and so fortuitous. I feel so lucky to have you back in my life, but I am so afraid that your… horseshit will compromise everything like it did last time."

"Horseshit?" he said, amazed at how she sounded like him, "Last time was different. I had responsibilities that I don't have now."

"No, now you have different responsibilities, different things to worry about, and I don't think that I can take another rejection. I can't take you leaving again," she finally turned and he walked toward her.

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Let's not end this before it starts, okay?" he cupped her face in his large hands.

"What is this?" she pulled away again, "of all the women and female creatures in the universe, and the world of hurt that you've been through, how is it possible that we are here, right now, together again. I mean, it's overwhelming, it's scary."

"I know it is which is why I haven't made advances."

"Maybe I want you to," she whispered.

"Is this what this is about? You want me to make love to you?" Len asked, utterly confused.

"If you make love to me will things change?"

"My feelings didn't change over the years of space and time. I loved you…"

"Do you still love me?" she asked, and he raced over to her, pulling in close and crushed their lips together. He kissed her breathless, speechless, both of their hearts racing.

"Fuck yeah," he said and kissed her again.

****

Spock was lying in his bed and he couldn't sleep. Tomorrow was another therapy session that he was not ready to tackle. He couldn't stand anymore admissions and sleepless nights. He stood from his bed and walked to the kitchen to get some water and saw Nyota sitting on his couch, their old couch.

"You didn't change the code," she said. He stared at her, noting the elevated heartbeat and the dulled eyes, and the shocking smell.

"You're intoxicated," he said, he didn't ask. He knew.

"Yes, very much so," she responded.

"Why are you here?" he asked, his voice harder than he could justify.

"I don't know. Why are you still awake?" she asked.

"I do not know," he responded and went to get his water from his kitchenette.

"You don't have to go to therapy tomorrow if you don't want to."

"Will that effectively end us if I do not go?" he asked.

"I don't know, Spock," she responded.

"There seems to be a lot that you don't know."

"Now you're just being cruel."

"I apologize."

"No, don't apologize. Be cruel if you want to be. I've been cruel to you."

"Nyota, I do not wish to argue tonight."

"Maybe we need to argue more," she said.

"We argue eighty-three percent more now than we did before."

"Maybe that's the problem. We didn't argue at all before."

"No, Nyota, it's not."

"Then maybe it's the solution."

"I do not know the solution," he said, sipping his water. They were silent, he sipping his water and her just breathing.

"What are you afraid of, Spock?"

"Fear is an illogical…"

"Spock."

"My greatest fear has already happened. I've lost my planet and I've lost my mother. But it was always you that I feared losing the most. Everything is you, Nyota."

"I'm still here Spock."

"You are still there. But your heart is closed; your mind is closed to me. You've locked me out. And the blame solely rests on me. I have ruined you, ruined us, and because I am not human enough…"

"No… don't say that."

"I pretended for so long that because I had you, I was accepted, I was human. But my body lied to me, to both of us."

"Is that why you didn't tell me about Chapel when you first got back."

"Yes," Spock said coldly, "how could you love this alien side of me when I hate it." Nyota's heart broke, and then she suddenly got angry.

"You didn't give me a choice. You took it away!"

"I know that now. I wanted to spare you the pain."

"Then why did you ever tell me?"

"You were elated when I returned. And I knew that if I told you, you'd hate me. I was selfish, scared, and foolish. And then I realized what I'd done and in a sloppy attempt to give you back what I'd taken I finally told you," Nyota slapped him.

"That's what hurt the most. Like a dagger to my heart. And then you tell me that I was never the only one, ever!"

"You never once asked. You assumed that I was too cold, too Vulcan to have other lovers before you," Spock's tone was rigid; he was rapidly losing his calm.

"Oh yes! I'm the human girl that will warm the Vulcan's heart, make him more human. You live in a fantasy world for the all the logic you speak!" Nyota's voice was raised and hoarse.

"It's not fantasy for me, Nyota, this is my life. Those were my parents."

"As you said yesterday, we are not your parents! You are not your father and I am not your mother! Your words!"

"You are correct, you are not my mother. My mother understood my father," Spock tensed his jaw.

"Yes, because she is the only human woman that can ever understand Vulcan coldness without losing her mind!" She said screaming and storming towards him.

"You have no idea the things they endured, which is something I don't want for us!" his voice is raising, much like that time with Kirk on the bridge, but Nyota didn't notice, she was too upset.

"You never told me. I see a recurring theme here!" she's still screaming he clenched his fists and walked away from her back into his kitchenette to get more water, she followed him.

"Nyota it is not my way to divulge…" he said, his voice getting louder and deeper.

"It's never your way. Why do I have to sacrifice everything that I am for you? You never compromise, you're always rigid, and you get to blame it on your Vulcan logic and taboos and mores!"

"Nyota…" Spock's voice was deep and burning.

"You get to hide all of yourself from everyone"

"Nyota," he said with more urgency and louder.

"Lie by omission!"

"Nyota!" his voice loud and deep and dark and he was staring at her.

"Break my heart," she didn't back down.

"Nyota… do not…" he started to say but was cut off again.

"Fuck whoever you want!" She said, making an emphasis by poking him in his chest.

"Nyota!"

"And cover it all up with your Vulcan Bullshit!!!" she finished.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, NYOTA?!!" Spock's scream sounded like a levy breaking. He, in his rage, slammed down the glass on the counter top, crushing it between his heavy hands, leaving a trail of emerald blood and sharp shards. She didn't back down, she stared at him, and then walked past him quickly, grabbing a wet cloth and taking a look at his hand. He pulled away, but she pulled his hand back towards hers, not batting an eyelash at the green blood and removing the glass shards with quick handy work.

"I want you to trust me… with everything. With your fears, with the things that you mess up on, which are rare, which makes you unnerving to be around by the way. We've been together for almost five years and we are complete strangers to one another. I had never seen you angry until that day with Kirk on the Enterprise."

"I've been angry before, much like that, much like I just was."

"You have, when?"

"When I was probably ten years of age, another boy much my age elicited an emotional response from me by calling my mother a whore."

"Well, I'm sure he deserved the ass beating that you gave him."

"No one deserves…"

"He deserved it. No one, not on any planet has the right to talk about someone else's mother," at this Spock smiled and then quickly rushed that away.

"Do you trust me?" he asked.

"I don't think I ever really did. I think that's why I didn't want for you to go to Rivas 12. My insecurities got the best of me, got the best of us both, obviously. That's what we get for being prideful."

"How does one go about rebuilding over the false trust that we had for one another?"

"One brick at a time, I suppose."

"That is going to take a long time," he said looking her in her eyes. And for the first time in five years, they saw one another for who they really were. The love was still there, still bonding them tightly. Nyota saw Spock coming for her, he was closer now, even though the shaky bridge from which they started had collapsed, and they were both already laying the foundation for another bridge. It was a slow start, one filled with peril and fear, but now that they could concentrate on what the real problem was they could start healing. This was, they both thought in tandem, the first time they'd ever really, truly compromised.