Rule 5:

When you are at a party, remember who you came with.

I hate to admit it, but this is one I particularly struggle with, even more so than the being kind to her friends one, Rule Number 2 (You have no idea how funny that sounds! – Prongs), which is MATURELY numbered as that was the second rule to enter my stupendously fantastic book... where was I again? Oh yes, I struggled with Rule 2 because, as previously stated, I may have hooked up with the girl in question's friends in the past. Tricky issue, but if you're suave enough (Oooh, posh word Pads, practising your Thesaurus Man? – Prongs) then you can overcome it.

Anyway, this rule can be quite difficult to master (No it isn't Pads, you just can't restrain yourself when women are around – Moony), ESPECIALLY when there are several hot girls at the party you are attending. But fear not, faithful Sirius'-relationship-guidance fans, I am here to tell you how to act and how not to act at a party. Because, believe me, it can make or break a relationship.

If you have ever seen any Muggle movies (thanks to Lily, we have seen quite a few) you will know that there is normally a big party at the end during which people get together as it is the romantic happy ending; well, this will happen in a film unless you are sensible and are watching something like The Exorcist. Which is an utterly cracking film – and I have just been ordered by Mr. Sensible-No-Fun-Moony-Pants to stop going off at tangents. Whatever they are. Sounds like the name of a group of men who are sunning themselves in some hot country whilst we are sat in cold Hogwarts. Not that I'm complaining – you don't get the girl variety when you're not in Hogwarts.

Parties make people happy and they make people have an amazing time (unless your Snivellus, who sits in the corner chanting dark magic like a weirdo – Prongs; Prongs, he doesn't do that, what've I told you? – Moony) and they are also times when people get to dress up and make an impression on their preferred member of the opposite sex, i.e. you. They give girls the opportunity to dress in sexy little dresses (or jeans, I love it when my beautiful Lilykins wears jeans; in fact, I love whatever she wears – Prongs) and wear sky-scraping heels. Girls make an effort for parties – so you should let them know that you think this. They like their efforts to be recognised so remember how to compliment them (see Rule 3) and also remember to make an effort yourself.

This does not mean that you need to wear dress robes at every given opportunity, but it means that you should make some kind of effort. (You may have to spell it out for them Pads, remember what happened when you told this to Wormy? – Prongs; Hey! I thought that was a stylish fashion choice! – Wormtail; Wormy, you went dressed as a slice of cake; we told you to dress fancy, not dress as a French Fancy! – Prongs; Yes, but they are seriously tasty! – Wormtail). My tips for making an effort are:

Wear clean trainers or Converse – not brand shiny new, kind of worn in, but not covered in dirt that could cause speculation over what you have been doing amongst the girls at the party, i.e. Has he been digging up carrots in Hagrid's vegetable patch or has he been standing at the wrong end of a Hippogriff for too long?

Wear clean clothes that look nice and simple, i.e. a shirt with jeans, or a plain t-shirt. Band t-shirts are also acceptable in my book (that's because you're writing it, you Basilisk-brain! – Moony) but where whatever you like and feel comfortable in.

STAY TRUE TO YOUR OWN STYLE AND YOURSELF. There's no point going dressed like John Revolta (Padfoot, his name's John Travolta – Moony), sorry, John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever or Grease if you prefer to be wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Though I did quite like his outfits in those films, especially the T-Birds jackets... perhaps we could get some Marauder jackets... (don't even think about it! – Moony)

So now we have sorted out the style rules, it comes down to the main rule for going partying, as outlined in the title of this highly integral chapter: When you are at a party, remember who you came with. Basically, if you ask a girl to a party (prospective girlfriend who you have hopefully charmed with the first four chapters of this book already, as they are bloody brilliant, even if I do say so myself!), remember that she is your date for the evening and that means you can't go off snogging other girls and flirting with the ones in the nicest dresses.

I have made this mistake more times than I care to remember, but if I did care to remember, I could count the amount of scars I have and also count how many shirts I have under my bed soaked with drinks of various flavours that I have not gotten rid of and just chucked under there. Basically, it has happened a lot. Don't do it. Devote your attentions to your date, as she will have made an effort for you and will probably look bloody gorgeous.

To illustrate my point, I have enlisted the help of two very willing boys who shall remain anonymous, but I shall christen with the hypothetical names of Tyrannosaurus and Pterodactyl (Have you been drinking the firewhisky from the Hog's Head again? – Moony). I organised two parties in a very secret location (i.e. an abandoned classroom) that were exactly the same, within a week of each other. The same girl was asked by each of the two hypothetically-named people to one of the parties, and one of them acted perfectly as I have guided expertly and the other like a broom-head. We planted highly advanced magical communication equipment on their persons (i.e. two-way mirrors – Prongs) so we could listen in on the conversation and what happens. Observe and learn young grasshoppers.

Party #1

Tyrannosaurus asked the hypothetically-named (DON'T start with all the hypothetical things again! It made my head spin last time – Wormtail; Wormy, are you sure Padders didn't just spike your pumpkin juice? – Prongs) Sweaty Betty (Oh, I bet she's pleased about her new name! – Moony) to the party. He went dressed in new jeans, a plain white t-shirt with a black jacket and blue Converse that were only very slightly scuffed.

Tyrannosaurus: Oh, Sweaty Betty, you look absolutely beautiful! Thank you so much for agreeing to attend the party with me!

Sweaty Betty:Um, thanks, Tyrannosaurus, just don't try anything funny on me, okay? Otherwise I will castrate you.

T:Okay. Would you like to dance?

SB:Yeah, okay. This song's good, I like it.

*cue T doing some rather imaginative robotic dancing that SB surprisingly goes along with rather well (I knew she would! – Prongs)*

T: This party's good.

SB: Yeah it is.

T: Sirius did a good job, didn't he?

SB: Yeah he did.

T: The food looks good too... *at this point I would like to point out T almost entered a trance-like state once he spotted the chocolate cake I had positioned in the middle of the food table, conversation halted for a few moments whilst he had this momentary lapse of madness*

SB: Yeah it does.

T: Dancing's good to.

SB: Yeah it is.

T: Are you just gonna say that to everything?

SB: *smiles so damn sexily and hotly she could set a house on fire* Maybe...

T: Okay... how about another dance to this song? It's your favourite, isn't it?

*cue my brilliantly DJ timing of You Really Got Me by the Kinkies (um, Padders, their name is the KINKS – Moony), which is SB's all-time favourite song*

SB: Yeah it is, wow, you remembered!

T: I always remember.

SB: Really?

T: Yes.

SB: You know I said I would castrate you if you tried anything funny?

T: Yes, I definitely remember that.

SB: Well, I will no longer castrate you if you try something funny.

T: And what would qualify as "something funny"?

*Personally I think he made this sound like he was about to perform a bit of brain surgery, but SB seemed to think it was okay, surprisingly!*

SB: This...

At this point SB kissed T and they didn't stop for the rest of the party, so there is nothing more to report.

See, T did not look at another girl whilst he was with SB! And it went seriously well, so well that I had to literally prise her off T when it came to Pterodactyl's turn at charming her...

Party #2

Pterodactyl asked Sweaty Betty to my second, marvellously brilliant party. He went dressed in old tracksuit bottoms he had recently done sixteen runs and three swims in the Black Lake wearing – authentic lakey-plants attached at random points could confirm this to others – a ripped grey t-shirt and battered old trainers that looked like they'd been flushed through the Hogwarts sewage system and lived to tell the tale.

Pterodactyl: Hey, how are you?

Sweaty Betty: I'm fine, I'm looki–

P: *rudely cuts across her* Erin looks HOT. So hot that she'd make my body temperature shoot through the roof...

SB: Really? *in scarily angry tone* Well, shall we dance or something?

P: Yeah, I'll just go get us a drink first...

*On the way to the drinks table, P gets distracted (1) by Erin who is wearing a sexy little teal dress with a plunging neckline that exhibits (PADFOOT! We don't want to know your sordid thoughts about Erin! – Moony)... never mind, and (2) by Kirsty, who is also wearing a sexy dress and smiles at P suggestively. He forgets all thought of drinks and starts snogging Kirsty, whilst looking at Erin over Kirsty's shoulder*

SB: Busy?

P: *breaks away from Kirsty, who skips away with a flirtatious giggle* No, not really.

SB: Can I just remind you that you came to the party with me?

P: Thank you. Now I need to go find Erin...

At this point SB throws the pumpkin juice P didn't get her over his shirt, which now looks like a baby has been sick on it. SB leaves party (and continues to snog me– I mean, Tyrannosaurus! – Prongs) and P makes out with Erin.

See, Party #1 was obviously much more successful as T remembered, unlike P, who he had come with. Now I'm going to allow my fellow Marauders to offer their extensive intellect on this rule.

Prongs

...

Moony

Prongs is a bit busy with, ahem, "Sweaty Betty" at the moment (Oo-er missus! – Padfoot) – which requires no suggestive comment, Padfoot – so I am going to write on his behalf and mine. I translated, whilst his mouth was glued to Lily's, I mean, Sweaty Betty, that he said "Padfoot is a penis and this rule is good!" (Moony, I actually said "Padfoot is a genius, not a PENIS! – Prongs; Can I just point out that Prongs has severe skill as he wrote that whilst still snogging Lily? HE IS THE MAN! – Padfoot).

I would also like to say that I have never gone to a party with a girl and forgotten who I came with (Yeah, but have you ever gone to a party with a girl, Moonykins? Ha ha – Padfoot), because girls appreciate you making them feel special. It's what comes through all of Padfoot's surprisingly good rules (See, told you I was good! – Padfoot), and I think it's something you Hogwartians should take note of.

Wormtail

Partying is not exactly my thing because I am a bit of a fail at dancing and I eat too much cake. (Hang on, I'm pretty sure this isn't Pete writing this... – Moony). However, if I used Padfoot the love extraordinaire's amazing rules, I would not be an epic fail at parties. (Padfoot, why does it look like you're controlling what Wormy is writing? – Moony; What? Don't be so suspicious Moony... – Sirius)