A Kind of Magic
by Rizember
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Summary: A genie freed from an iPod shuffle, an emo raven, a pending sexual contract and a goat…all unwilling partners in the most unlikely of adventures. SasuNaru
Xo-oX
Chapter 1: Magic is real, you idiot
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Disclaimer: yadee yadaa, I own naddaa...
Xo-oX
Life is an enigma.
A god picks his nose and somewhere across the universe, a guy walks into a pole...
A butterfly flaps its wings and somewhere across the world, a hurricane hits...
The ways of the world are not to be questioned as every inconsequential thing tends to change the events of one's life.
The simple decision to go right instead of left at the junction and thus avoiding traffic; the trivial choice of stopping for a coffee and missing the fruit cart accident by seconds; the necessary wearing of a baseball cap to avoid fangirls...
Every choice has its consequence and for every action, there is an equal but opposite reaction. This is one of the very basics of Physics and the universe and proves one thing:
The universe is a bitch.
And so is physics.
(I am a blanket page break. I'm fluffeh)
The raven walking down the street wasn't oblivious to the gazes, whispers and outright gawks thrown his way.
The people watched the attractive, young man with the pale skin, strangely styled dark hair and even darker eyes walk past them like they didn't exist. And to him, they didn't.
Years of building immunity to people and social situations had taught Sasuke Uchiha that ignoring people can make them go away...in theory...or in his head. Either way, those years were paying off and the crowded street was as good as empty as far as he was concerned.
The roll of stores were lively and loud, all filled with people rushing in and out, bumping into each other and whistling for cabs. Even though the street was crowded, Sasuke found that none of them bumped into him even once. They'd rather stumble and push against each other than get too near him. To alot of them, he was like a work of art; meant to be seen from behind the security tape...mostly because his self-defense skills were legendary.
The Uchiha made his way into the only store he ever went into unarmed; Sounds.
The blast of music that almost threw him back out into the street was quite welcome…in fact, he figured he really needed to get one of those giant systems just so he could see his parents fly out the room whenever they went into his room uninvited.
The saleslady waved at him, her brown eyes warm as she hastily handed a customer his purchase and beckoned Sasuke over.
Tenten Sayuri was a pretty brunette with her hair usually styled atop her head in tight buns. She had shared a few classes with Sasuke when they'd both taken an IT class their college had said was mandatory. Tenten was an intelligent pre-law student and Sasuke had always secretly enjoyed the fact that she never treated him like other girls did. In fact, on several occasions, Sasuke had been graced with a few of her crude remarks that openly insulted his train of thought and wondered loudly if his brain was as useful an organ as his appendix.
"Hey! How've you been?" She shouted.
Turning the music down was never an option in Sounds. The one time Tenten had actually tried to turn it down, a SWAT team had broken down the doors and charged in, yelling about how they should all stay calm and that they had the hostage situation under control... Needless to say, the store had never been hushed down again.
Sasuke glanced briefly at her as he passed the counter.
"Hn."
Tenten rolled her eyes at that and left him to browse.
Sasuke stifled a yawn as he eyed the rows of CDs. Life was just that boring. He was well into his second semester of college, pre-med, and he still couldn't be bothered with gathering himself a social life.
He'd left school and his rambunctious roommate/best friend to come home for s relaxing weekend. So far, it had been about twice as relaxing as a motor rally show. Especially since he'd found out that his brother had picked that same weekend to come home too.
Sasuke walked over to the rock section, which was actually the only section in Sounds and began his browsing ritual.
Glance. Curious. Pick. Check. Yawn. Put down. Glance...
It was a timeless ritual.
Three Doors Down, Good Charlotte, Green Day…
He picked up a Nickelback CD and decided to call it a day. He could usually go for hours in there, just flipping through discs, sampling whatever caught his fancy...but he didn't feel up to staying more than ten minutes that particular day.
Sasuke walked toward the counter, glancing briefly at the list of songs.
Tenten smirked condescendingly at him as she wrapped up his CD, "Thought you already got this."
He didn't answer.
She sighed and wrapped it up for him, smirking with amusement when he turned to leave.
As he touched to door, the alarm went off-
-and it was really, really loud.
'CONGRATULATIONS. Please return to the counter. CONGRATULATIONS. Please return to-'
Sasuke turned and threw a questioning glance back at Tenten.
He was sure he'd paid for everything and was a tad bit creeped out by the mechanical voice telling him 'congratulations' like he'd won the 'worst thief' awards or something.
Tenten seemed to brace herself before she moved away from the counter and turned off the music.
That in itself should have sent off the warning lights in Sasuke's head but all they did was flicker on and go off almost immediately.
Every customer in there stared at each other in the silence…
It was amazing.
They were sure the last time the store had been silenthad been when it was part of an empty block of buildings...just the young brainchild of an architect somewhere.
"Congratulations," Tenten stated calmly -patronisingly- as if knowing excitement might just scare the Uchiha off.
Sasuke openly glared at her. He wasn't some little scared bunny- he was a man, dammit. And even though he was eyeing her warily and maintaining his spot by the door, that was only because the she-devil had given him reason to.
Tenten exhaled noisily and explained slowly, enjoying Sasuke's concentrated irritation. "You are our 1000th customer."
He waited, the look on his face clearly saying, 'So?'
She managed not to groan in exasperation and mentally patted herself on the back as she replied dryly, "You've won yourself a gift card, an iPod shuffle and two VIP tickets to the 'Fairview All-rock Concert'."
The other customers made no effort to pretend they were happy for the Uchiha with the clearly heard comments of 'Damn! I should have bought this earlier!', 'That should be me!' and 'Lucky bastard,' coming from the otherwise silent room.
Tenten brought each item out from underneath the counter and placed them in a bag. When she pulled out a pink iPod, Sasuke's death glare activated almost immediately.
"I don't want that."
She frowned. "You won it."
"Keep it."
"I can't keep it, you idiot. Just take it. I'm sure if you're a real man, you can handle a pink accessory."
Sasuke's glare intensified and Tenten grumbled under her breath about weak men and their fear of pink
"Fine. Here."
Sasuke's lip twitched upward for a microsecond as the girl replaced the girly, pink monstrosity with a manly, black one.
He nodded in acknowledgment.
Tenten rolled her eyes at him.
Sasuke merely took his winnings and left.
No leap of joy, no wide grin, no 'OMIGOSH I'M SO HAPPY I COULD DIE!'…just a polite nod.
He really knew how to kill a mood.
Tenten shook her head, driving back a satisfied smile.
One day, the block of ice stuck up the Uchiha's ass would melt…and they'd all probably die in the resulting flood.
She groaned loudly when a canister of tear gas was thrown in through the window, shattering the glass and scattering shards of their display window everywhere.
"Please remain calm-"
Tenten huffed in annoyance as a small team of heavily armoured men ran in, dramatically throwing themselves in through the window. The canister hadn't even been activated and she wondered briefly at the police force's efficiency.
The men rolled around on the floor, crawling aimlessly and looking for the criminal mastermind who had caused the silence of Sounds.
The customers went about their business, stepping over a man here and there before moving to the counter and paying.
(I am a sexy page break…DATE ME!)
Sasuke went up the stairs silently. He'd taken the bus home and walked the two blocks to his house, skillfully avoiding his earthly nemesis- the dreaded fangirl. Apparently baseball caps worked wonders for moving around incognito.
The gates were open seconds before he reached them and shut just as quickly. The guard at the gate smiled and nodded politely at him and he nodded politely back in a silent thanks.
The Uchiha house was in the upper middle class area of the neighbourhood and as everyone knows, upper middle class isn't that far off from rich.
The house tried way too hard to be normal and as such, ended up being almost extravagant. The white mansion surrounded by immaculate lawns and beautiful, thick hedges and the large guarded gate didn't exactly scream suburbs but wasn't so far off that the neighbours ended up hating you.
The house was silent when Sasuke entered, shutting the door loudly behind him. His parents were off at work and his brother… Well…no one ever really knew where he was so…
"Hey little brother."
Sasuke sighed and walked past his older doppelganger.
"Ah…doing the usual angsting, huh? Don't worry, I feel you…"
Sasuke glared at Itachi. "Please stop trying to relate to me."
"It's what relatives do… " Itachi shrugged, sipping from the carton of milk in his hands. "We relate."
Sasuke glared painstakingly at his brother.
Itachi's long dark hair was messily falling over his shoulders, his softly expressive face that was well-defined and almost flawless was flushed and his dark eyes were full of amusement.
Sasuke frowned. "You people really need to stop giving me all these 'amused' looks. Last time I checked, I wasn't a clown-in-training."
Itachi chuckled deeply and just patted Sasuke's head lazily while the younger boy tried to slap his hand away.
Itachi oozed confidence, intelligence and at the moment, sex. He knew he looked good and believed it was part of his duty to exploit it, which irked Sasuke to no end.
Especially when it meant his brother was shirtless and in his pajama bottoms, roaming around the house.
"What are you doing home?" Sasuke asked, suddenly curious. "Shouldn't you be at some university somewhere?"
Itachi smiled, ruffling Sasuke's hair affectionately, "Aww! You noticed."
Sasuke rolled his eyes and walked away.
"Hey Sasuke!"
Sasuke sighed but didn't turn around.
"You know that puppy that got lost when we were five…?"
Sasuke turned, raising an eyebrow at Itachi.
"I think it got stuck up your ass along with that missing kid. You should really have them removed."
Sasuke mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like 'freakin idiot' and went into his room.
He glanced briefly at the calendar on his bedside table and groaned. It was barely ten in the morning. He lay n his bed, placing the bag beside him before staring at the ceiling.
Saturday…
A day to relax, reflect on the past week, delve into the knowledge of-
'I love you, you love me
We're a happy family,
With a great big hug and a-'
Sasuke sprung up and rushed to his door, flinging it open and finding a CD player playing the Barney theme song…which would stay stuck in his head for the rest of the week. Like all the other times Itachi had done this.
"Itachi!"
Itachi chuckled from the safety of his room and ignored his younger brother.
A moment later, he sighed.
His brother really needed to get laid.
Sasuke was seventeen and probably still a virgin...
He sniffed lightly.
He had failed as an older brother...
(I am a teen page break, get the hell out of my room!)
When Sasuke gave up trying to break Itachi's door down, he settled for glaring at it...which was just as ineffective but made him feel a lot better.
That done, he returned to his room and turned on his laptop.
Placing the Nickelback CD in his stereo, he took out the iPod shuffle and opened iTunes while he relaxed and reclined, placing the laptop on one of his pillows.
He started to nod off and-
"SASUKE!"
Sasuke woke up with a start, ready to jump out the window if there was a fire...after saving his laptop first, of course.
He looked groggily around the room.
Everything was perfectly in place. So that meant...
Itachi.
"Sasuke!"
Speak of the devil.
"What?"
"Something came up and the folks won't be in till Monday!"
Sasuke yawned.
Sudden business trips weren't unusual for his parents.
He sat up, noticing it was dark outside. His CD was still playing and his lap was unusually warm.
He put his laptop aside, wondering if the rumours about laptops and impotence had any truth to them...
He hoped not.
He looked down at the still connected iPod and ejected it. It had come with a blue and white leather strap so he could attach it to his arm.
He changed clothes, wearing shorts and a t-shirt, and headed for the gym in the basement.
He attached the iPod and was all set with the rock and-
What the hell.
'I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world...'
Itachi was a dead man.
Selecting a non-girly play list took him eight whole seconds of his life that he'd never get back. He set the treadmill to a jogging pace, deciding to forgo his stretching.
"Oooooooh..."
Sasuke froze- well, as much as a guy jogging in place can freeze. He was sure he'd heard something. He looked around the large, dimly lit room. He was surrounded by the normal array of training equipment. The gym was well stocked in that area and even had a sauna across the room. Sasuke briefly noted that the sauna lights were on , even though they too were dim.
He faced the sauna and waited, figuring there could be three possibilities:
(a) he was hearing things,
(b) there was a ghost down there, or
(c) Itachi was trying to add more stupidity to his life than was approved of by the board of health.
"Ooohhh..."
He turned off the treadmill and got off, walking carefully toward the sauna, ignoring the little voice at the back of his head screaming that he should not investigate.
"Mhmmm..."
He opened the door and found the familiar screen of steam blocking his view. When it cleared, Sasuke deeply regretted his 20-20 vision and swore colourfully n his head cause even though his lips moved, his voice was in too much of a shock to actually escape.
In the sauna, n his favourite bench, Itachi and a blue haired woman were...
Sasuke turned and ran. Yes, ran.
Maybe if he tripped over the stairs and hit his head, that disturbing image would leave his head.
In his room, he tried to calm himself down, rocking back and forth, playing reruns of "Postman pat" on his laptop just so he could repress the evil visual of Itachi and that girl, desperately wanting to be five again.
He unstrapped the iPod from his arm and, seeing an oily fingerprint on it, absently wiped it on his shirt.
BOOM!
There was a large and sudden blast of smoke.
"What the-"
The smoke cleared, unpleasantly reminding him of 'steam' and he found himself staring at a blonde boy sitting on his bed and staring at him.
"Great. I fell asleep, my laptop blew up and I'm dead," Sasuke reasoned.
The boy gave him a questioning glance before bowing and saying, "Hello, what is it you wish for tonight?"
Sasuke stared.
Maybe he wasn't dead.
Maybe some retard had broken in, thrown a smoke bomb in his room and was now talking to him...
Yeah...That definitely made more sense than his first guess.
"I suggest you leave before I call security."
If the boy heard him, he was duly ignored.
"Whoa..." he glanced up at Sasuke's room. "This place is huge!"
Sasuke turned away, beginning to walk out the room, "I'm calling se-"
He froze.
The boy was at the door, smiling at him, blue eyes bright with mischief.
"Forgive my manners, let me introduce myself. I'm Naruto."
Sasuke raised an eyebrow, "Okaaay... What the hell are you doing in my house?"
Naruto blinked, "Um...you rubbed the iPod."
Sasuke stared.
"You released me."
Still staring...
The blonde sighed. "I'm a genie."
Sasuke blanched...then raised an eyebrow in his own version of a loud guffaw.
"Sure you are," he stated dryly. "Now could you go be a genie somewhere else?"
Naruto didn't speak.
Sasuke tried again, slower this time.
"Where did you come from? How did you get in here? Where is your home?"
The smaller boy sighed impatiently, "The iPod. Duh."
Sasuke nodded, "Ah yes, iPod. I know it well, its a few miles from...Do I look stupid to you?"
Naruto smiled, deeply amused. "I'll assume that last bit was rhetorical. I live in the iPod. I'm a genie."
"A genie?" Sasuke scoffed. "You expect me to believe that? Does this look like a Disney show to you?"
"Well, you did rub my home..."
"You mean the iPod shuffle? Aren't you supposed to be in a lamp?" Sasuke taunted.
"21st century. I moved."
"Yeah? Can I give you some advice?"
Naruto shrugged. "Sure"
"Don't let the door hit your magical butt on your way out."
Naruto rolled his eyes, "Truly you are a sage of ancient wisdom. Now can we get on with this?"
"With what?" the raven groaned as his brain provided him with a crash course in Genie 101. "Oh yeah...three wishes."
Naruto snorted. "Er...no. I'm not that kind of genie."
Sasuke feigned shock. "No...you don't say..."
Naruto glared. "I'm genie version 234-LCV."
"Wow, you take this modern day genie thing pretty seriously, huh?"
Naruto blinked then sighed, deciding to ignore the brunette. "Here are the rules. You get one hour a day of ecstasy for thirty days."
Sasuke choked. "Ecstasy? I don't take drugs. Get out before I call the cops, you moron."
Angrily, Naruto snapped his fingers.
The room grew dark and Sasuke stilled.
"Neat trick. I can do it too...with a light switch."
"Damn you're stubborn." Naruto swore. "I'm obligated to pleasure you for the first hour in the form of your choice. The next thirty hours are over a period of thirty days and can be with the person of your choice. They won't remember it after."
Sasuke snorted. "Uh huh...so you're like a sex genie."
"Yes."
Sasuke thought the answer sounded strained but what did he know.
"Funny, we call it prostitution but I'm 'sure sex genie' works just as well."
"It's not prostitution."
Sasuke chuckled dryly. "Getting paid for sex? Of course not." His eyes were beginning to adjust to the darkness and he could barely make out the silhouette of the crazy homeless kid in his room. Sasuke edged toward the panic button by his door hoping to keep the psycho talking and hightail it before the guy stabbed him or something.
"I never asked for payment."
"Not yet. So...how long have you been a professional pervert?"
"Long enough."
Almost there...
Sasuke heard another snap and waited before-
"What the hell!"
He was strapped to his bed with some really thick rope and a blonde girl looking down at him.
Wasting no time, she straddled him.
"Who the hell are you? Get off me before I rip your head off!"
The girl laughed and said in a soft voice, "Mmm...Maybe blondes aren't your type?"
Her hair turned brown and Sasuke stilled in surprise.
"Yes, it's still me," Naruto chuckled.
Sasuke growled. "Get. Off. Me."
Her hair turned different shades, along with her face and body and then she frowned, her frown getting deeper with each change. A large pair of boobs were practically falling into the raven's face and all he did was glare.
Suddenly, a look of pure evil crossed 'her' face.
"Maybe girls aren't your type?"
Sasuke growled.
Naruto turned back to himself and smirked.
"Oh...I see."
Sasuke's glare faltered.
"As amusing as that glare is, I really don't want to see it."
Sasuke found his eyes being covered and felt the soft material over them.
A blindfold?
Fingers roamed experimentally over his body, tracing an invisible path from his hands to his shoulders...moving down to his neck.
Sasuke scowled as he started to struggle.
Great, he was going to be raped by some psycho fanboy. Surprisingly calm, he huffed and tried to untie the ropes. A finger brushed over his nipple and he froze, hoping his glare would burn through the cloth and melt the sick bastard.
Stupid ropes.
Suddenly, the ropes were gone and Sasuke found himself able to see the surprised blonde sitting on top of him.
In his moment of freedom, Sasuke threw the genie off him.
Naruto landed with a heavy thud.
A second later, he looked up at the raven, a dark glare firmly in place.
"What the hell was that for?"
Sasuke smirked at the now fully clothed genie.
"I was trying not to get raped."
Naruto snorted, sitting up with his legs bent to either side of him, looking like he was straddling the floor.
"I don't think that would hold in court..."
Sasuke swore and got up, "Get. Out."
Naruto shrugged, "Well...the rules say I can't force you if you really are an unwilling party...so..."
"Seriously you freak, leave."
Naruto smirked, "Just rub it when you need me."
Sasuke watched Naruto fade into a wisp of blue smoke and seep into the iPod.
He stared, his jaw planted firmly on the ground.
What just happened?
He really needed to lay off angst.
He lay down on his bed and stared at his pillow. His eyes suddenly felt heavy and he closed them, failing to understand the questions in his head as he immediately fell asleep.
The blue smoke returned and reformed, the blonde sat by him on the bed, fascinated.
They were always dramatic on the first day...even the pervs- but with them it was mostly out of excitement.
Naruto's gaze grew hard as he stepped away from the sleeping boy.
Maybe tomorrow…
(I am a page break, what the hell do you mean, what do i do?)
Sasuke woke with a start.
Looking around the familiar surroundings, he sighed and fell back against his pillows.
He'd had the strangest dream. He sat up and noticed he hadn't changed out of his clothes. He scowled at that and ran a hand through his hair, wondering which part of the dream was real. He figured the Itachi-and-girl part must have been what led him to having the idiotic nightmare.
He glanced at his iPod and then, looking around him as if to make sure no one was there to see him act like a fool, rubbed it against his sleeve.
Nothing happened.
He shrugged. "Shoulda known I-"
"What's up?"
Sasuke gracefully fell off the bed.
"You!"
"Yeah?"
"Y-you're real?"
"No duh."
"So I...you...the iPod..."
Naruto nodded, "Um...yes? I think. Didn't we do this yesterday? The whole freaking out, disbelieving thing, I mean. It's a tad bit boring."
Sasuke glared, "Yeah well maybe I'd entertain you if I wasn't wondering why the hell there's a freakin genie in my room!"
"Yeah, yeah...calm down."
"Calm down… CALM DOWN?"
Naruto sighed.
Obviously the term was new to the boy.
As Sasuke went on a long-winded rant, Naruto thought about how cute really small dogs were...it was really quite convenient for transportation needs if you could just pick one up, stuff em in your pocket and-
"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?"
Naruto blinked, "Um, no?"
Sasuke sighed loudly. "Dammit."
The blonde shrugged. "Why did you release me if you didn't know what I was?"
Sasuke gave him an incredulous look. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that rubbing things against my sleeve would release mythical creatures."
Naruto rolled his eyes. "No need to be sarcastic."
Sasuke snorted. "I believe there is every need to be sarcastic. Just tell me how to get rid of you and we'll be on our way."
"Look, just so you know, you can't get rid of me that easily."
"How about 'I wish you were free'?"
Naruto sighed. "This isn't Aladdin stupid. That won't work."
Th raven scowled. "I don' need a sex genie. Now maybe if you were a real genie, we'd have something to talk about."
The blonde's eyed blazed with hidden fury and he snarled. "Listen princess, I'm not thrilled about being here and I sure as hell do not want to spend the next month with a stick-up prick so if you don't mind, I'd like to get this over with."
"No thankyou," Sasuke smirked. "Just gimme the rules on getting rid of you."
Naruto's eyes narrowed dangerously. "Asshole. You can't set me free or 'get rid of' the iPod or me until my services have been spent."
Sasuke's lips tilted up in a condescending smirk, "Shouldn't you call me master or something. I'm not sure about whatever rules you have but calling me an asshole really isn't genie-like."
Naruto grinned, "Master, huh? Kinky."
Sasuke growled, "That wasn't what I meant, stupid."
The blonde winked, "Sure it wasn't."
"I need to find a way to get rid of you," Sasuke said to himself.
Naruto cleared his throat, "Once everyday for thirty days."
"What?"
"These are the terms. Sex with me once a day, for thirty days."
"Oh joy."
"I know, right?"
"Bite me."
"Love to."
"Get lost."
"Wish I could." Naruto sighed, then said abruptly. "Back to the basics; you can choose when to have sex most of the time. However, if you skip a day, I'll take you back in time to an hour of my choice...but that only counts after your first time with me."
Sasuke stared, "Just so you know, I am not having sex with you."
Naruto smiled warmly, "Right."
"I'm serious."
"Okay…then you're stuck with me till you do."
Sasuke groaned. "Can't you have sex with someone else?"
Naruto shook his head. "Not unless you're into harem type things...or watching..."
Sasuke glared.
Naruto chuckled. "To do my duty, only one hour is allocated, but I can come out anytime you need me really..."
"Why?"
Naru shrugged. "Rules."
Sasuke nodded.
"Can I go now?" Naruto asked.
Sasuke nodded again.
The iPod lit up as Naruto disappeared into it.
Sasuke groaned.
"Hey Sasuke! If you're done conversing with your imaginary friend, breakfast is ready!"
Itachi had apparently heard him screaming bloody murder and ranting up the wall...
"Sod off!"
"I love you too!"
Stupid Itachi.
"Did he hear you?"
The iPod glowed and he heard Naruto's voice clearly saying, "No. Not unless I want him to. Same goes for seeing me."
"So, to him, I was apparently screaming to myself..."
"Well...teenagers do need different ways of relieving stress-."
"Be quiet."
"-for most, its sex...but for you...it could be murder."
"Shut up."
"You don't seem too happy so I figure you must not be getting some or simply-"
"Seriously, shut up."
"-still a virgin or something..."
"I'll break the iPod if you don't shut it."
"Then I'll just move into your laptop. Love to see you break that."
"Maybe you'll be quiet if I shove the laptop up your-"
"Sasuke! Stop mumbling to yourself and come eat breakfast! Even emos need their strength!"
I was so adopted.
"I like your brother," Naruto whispered about Itachi.
"Please go have sex with him then..."
Naruto chuckled, "Sorry buddy. I think he's taken; you should have seen him and that blue haired chick go at it! I was blown out of my mind... And so was he, if you know what I mean..."
"You're disgusting. How did you see them anyway...?"
"Um...I heard a dangerous sound, thought it might be burglars and went to investigate..."
Sasuke rolled his eyes, "You need to work on your lying skills."
"You need to work on your people skills."
"Sasuke!"
"DAMMIT I'M COMING!"
Naruto chuckled and the iPod dimmed.
Sasuke would be an interesting case…
Xo-oX
A/N: Yo.Lemme know if it's worth continuing…