Some Dreams Can't Wait

May 16, 2378 0015

As he came through the door of his cabin Chakotay stretched his arms up over his head and yawned. He was beat from several days of pulling double duty shifts to help cover for Joe Carey's and B'Elanna's absences from Engineering. Joe was literally recovering from being dead. Verin had shot and killed him during Voyager's mission to retrieve the Friendship One probe. If the doctor hadn't thought to ask Seven of Nine to use her nanoprobes on Joe, as she had on Neelix three years ago, Chakotay would be worrying about more than replacing the assistant chief engineer for a week. Chakotay made his way to his bedroom and began stripping off his uniform and his boots. After an 8-hour bridge shift and 8 hours in engineering, a good bit of that spent crawling around in Jeffries tubes making some minor repairs, he needed a shower - a water shower, not a sonic shower.

As Chakotay stood under the warm spray hoping the torrents of water would soothe his sore muscles, he thought about the scheduling problems. B'Elanna's being absent from Engineering compounded Joe Carey's absence as both the chief engineer and her assistant were gone at the same time. B'Elanna was on maternity leave and would be until at least several weeks after her daughter's birth, even then she would probably work a reduced schedule. The doctor felt it was wiser for B'Elanna to be taking it easy and staying away from the multitude of dangers in engineering, though she was still nearly a month from her delivery date. He was especially concerned as she was experiencing regular bouts of Braxton-Hicks - false labor pains, though common and of no real concern in humans, in Klingons they could signal a premature birth. Of course, the phrase taking it easy and B'Elanna Torres went over as well as serving meat to a Vulcan.

Vulcan, that caused Chakotay to think of Ensign Vorik. Chakotay knew he could probably put more responsibility on Vorik to compensate for Joe and B'Elanna's absences, but he just didn't think that would do the rest of the engineering staff any good, anymore than assigning Seven of Nine to Engineering would. If the engineering staff got upset then he'd just be making more work for himself in the long run, as his duties as unofficial ship's counselor would increase. So he'd taken to scheduling the captain and himself for a shift a day in engineering, it was hard on both of them but he knew how B'Elanna's mind worked and this was the solution she'd be most comfortable with even if he and the captain weren't.

Chakotay finished up his shower and after drying off, pulled on some comfortable gym shorts and a t-shirt. Although he was exhausted, he didn't bother going to bed but instead padded over to his desk and began looking for something to read. He knew he probably wasn't going to sleep anytime soon, so despite the fact that he had himself scheduled for bridge duty in less than 8 hours, he thought he'd try to find something light and recreational to read. Lately he wasn't sleeping very well. He knew he should probably go on a vision quest to sort some things out, but for some reason he just couldn't bring himself to do it, probably just his contrary nature rearing its ugly head.

He thought he'd probably be okay if he could just talk to Kathryn, but she was on opposing double shifts to his, they weren't off duty at the same time through the current duty rosters he had made up, about the only time he saw her was when he handed off the bridge to her between alpha and beta shift. Usually Chakotay was the one to help Kathryn with her insomnia, but now, he needed her. Chakotay's need to see Kathryn felt as necessary to him as eating or sleeping, no, more important than that, as important as breathing. Even if he didn't talk about what was really bothering him, just being in her presence would calm him, help him find his peaceful center again. He almost laughed at that thought, he'd hardly ever been at peace in his life until he got flung to the other side of the galaxy and started spending his days lightening the burdens of a Starfleet captain, and his nights dreaming of one day being with the woman within that captain. 'Whoa,' he thought, 'thinking about that won't help me relax, that's for sure!'

Chakotay came across the padd with his sister's letter on it. No need to reread it, he'd already read it over and over. It was difficult for him to grasp. Until he had received that letter he thought his only living relative was his cousin in Ohio. But now he knew that his beloved little sister Maliya and his niece Taya were also alive. He had thought they were killed nearly ten years ago when the Cardassians destroyed the tribal settlements on Trebus. His sister had not gone into great detail, but had said that the Cardassians had taken two or three women from each village before launching their attacks. His mother, sister and niece had been taken from his home village. Maliya and Taya had spent seven years on Cardassia Prime, only being able to leave after the Federation came to help with the reconstruction of the planet after the Dominion War.

Maliya didn't say what they had been doing on Cardassia Prime all that time, but he knew. He knew what Cardassians would do with beautiful women like his mother, sister and niece. They would make them serve as pleasure women to their military men. Every time he thought of it his blood boiled with anger, his niece would have only been thirteen when those snakes took her. His rage was only surpassed by the extreme guilt he felt. He kept hearing his father's voice saying, "Chakotay, you must take care of Maliya. She is your little sister and your responsibility." He should have been there to protect her, to protect all of them. It was his duty as the eldest son of the clan. He should have resigned his commission as soon as the Federation turned their back on the colonies in the DMZ. He wondered over and over again why he hadn't heard about captives from his home world being held on Cardassia while he was in the Maquis. If he had known, he could have, no, would have launched a mission to rescue them. The only bit of relief he had from the unrelenting guilt he felt, was reading in his sister's letter that his mother had died in route to Cardassia Prime, when a young Cardassian Glin named Damar, struck her too hard, breaking her neck. He felt a strange sense of gratitude to this Damar for inadvertently doing what he should have been there to do himself.

Chakotay realized that thinking about the letter again was just getting him more agitated. He should talk to B'Elanna about it. She was his oldest friend and she would understand, but ever since he had received Maliya's letter he'd been avoiding B'Elanna. He couldn't even say why he was doing it, but he knew he was. He really wasn't going to feel better about any of it until he spoke to his sister. But thanks to the stupid legal battle over the doctor's holonovel, everyone's calls to home had been put off for a while and he had drawn a rather high number, it would be more than a month before he could talk to her and then he would only be able to speak to her for three minutes. He needed to stop thinking about this and find something to read that would help him relax so he could sleep.

Chakotay's hand came to rest on the Padd that contained his download of the Federation Chronicle and the Star Fleet Gazette. He had always enjoyed reading these two periodicals when he had been in Star Fleet before, so he thought he might enjoy them now. He imagined that reading the Chronicle might actually give him a better picture of the political situation in the alpha quadrant, but politics wasn't exactly a relaxing topic so he decided to start with the Gazette.

He sat in his most comfortable chair and looked at the table of contents. One article sort of leapt off the page at him "Contraception or Involuntary Sterilization: The Case Against Long Term Use of Boosters" The title was perhaps a bit sensationalized but the problem it exposed was a serious one, and one which struck Chakotay to his core. The article detailed a problem that career "fleeters" were beginning to experience. When humans or humanoids who had taken the standard contraceptive boosters prescribed by Star Fleet Medical for many years decided to stop taking the boosters and start a family, they discovered that the prolonged use of the boosters had caused a marked decrease in their fertility, even months after they have stopped taking the boosters. Additionally, couples able to become pregnant within the first year after stopping use of the boosters were experiencing miscarriages or were having to have prenatal genetic surgeries on their children to prevent serious birth defects. The article went on to add that the problem seemed worse among those who had been on the boosters for more than twenty years or had started taking the boosters at a young age. When Chakotay read that he cringed, he had been on boosters since he started in the academy over 25 years ago and because he had lied about his age when applying to the academy, so he wouldn't need his parents permission, he had been taking them since he was fifteen.

Chakotay let out a long shuddering sigh, he realized as he was reading the article that his fondest dream, a dream he barely allowed himself to admit to himself, might be impossible. He longed to marry Kathryn and have at least one child with her. Oh he wasn't deluded enough to think that she'd ever agree to a relationship while she was in command of Voyager and felt that she was constrained by Star Fleet protocols; but, if Star Fleet was correct, the deep space probes they'd sent out to rendezvous with them would reach them in six years. The probes were to include sensor readings for the area of space they'd covered and the specifications and materials to allow them to improve the efficiency of Voyager's warp drive so that they could increase their cruising speed to warp 8.5 and incorporate a cloak into their shields. That coupled with the second probe dropping caches with essential materials like dilithium crystals and vorilium along the path home, so that they wouldn't need to stop to trade or mine for such materials, should mean that it would only take an additional four years before Voyager returned to the Alpha quadrant. He and Kathryn had not told the rest of the crew that they might be home in ten years because there was the remote possibility that the rendezvous might not occur, the probes could be destroyed before they reached them or the caches might be, though the loss of the caches would only set them back a few years. If the rendezvous did occur, then in ten years they'd reach the alpha quadrant.

In ten years he and Kathryn would be fifty-two. Middle age was not exactly the best time to start a family but in this day and age it wasn't unheard of, after all most humans lived to be 120, some like Admiral McCoy got a good deal past that. But if they both remained on the contraceptive boosters for another ten years, how long would it take for their natural fertility levels to return? Or would they return at all? Chakotay sat with the padd forgotten in his hand, lost in his thoughts.

When Chakotay came out of his reverie he asked the computer for the time, it was 0147; he was due on the bridge at 0800. He had to try to get some sleep. He tossed the padd on his desk then walked into his bedroom and pulled the covers back and crawled into bed. Surprisingly he fell asleep shortly after his head hit the pillow. But it wasn't a restful sleep.

He began having a strange dream or maybe it was better termed a nightmare. It started out innocuously enough, he was talking to Kathryn in the ready room but the topic of discussion was weird, they were talking about Chell replacing Neelix, as though Neelix had left the ship. Next Kathryn asked him to lunch and he declined saying he had other plans. Then the dream got down right bizarre as he found himself on a date with Seven of Nine!

May 16, 2378 0730

When Chakotay awoke in the morning about 30 minutes before his bridge shift was due to start, he was plagued by the nightmare. He found he couldn't recall it very well nor could he make much sense of what he did recall, he remembered flashes of things. He remembered seeing Kathryn as maybe 25 years older than she was now and of fighting the Borg again, he also remembered kissing Seven of Nine! Chakotay sat on the edge of his bed and pondered the dream. What did it mean? He knew that what was usually important in a dream was not what actually happened but how one felt. Well, he knew what he felt; he felt guilt, sadness, apprehension and confusion. Well that's pretty much what he'd been feeling when he went to bed. Suddenly he realized he'd been sitting there for quite a while and had no idea what time it was. So he asked the computer for the time, 0754. Damn, he wasn't even dressed yet; he'd be late for his shift on the bridge!

He hastily stripped and threw on clean underwear and a uniform, then grappled with his socks and boots, having more trouble than usual because he was rushing. He stood before the mirror in his bathroom; taking one of his oval military hairbrushes in each hand he quickly brushed his hair into a reasonable semblance of his normal hairstyle. Finally he put his rank insignia on his shirt and headed out the door to the turbolift at a jog.

As he waited for the lift Chakotay contemplated calling the bridge and saying he'd be a bit longer so he could grab some breakfast, but he decided he could just as easily duck into the ready room after he took the reports for change of shift and use the captain's replicator to at least get a cup of coffee, a piece of fruit, a bowl of cornmeal mush, a pastry and - man he chuckled to himself, he was hungrier than he'd thought. As he approached the turbolift, the doors opened and Kathryn Janeway emerged. If Chakotay hadn't been tired and distracted he might have been able to school his features as he usually did, but instead at the sight of Kathryn, a smiled spread over his handsome features like the sun rising.

"Good Morning, Kathryn." He said in a warm voice. As his eyes feasted on the site of her, he felt, as he knew he would in her presence - peaceful, centered and oh so happy just to be breathing the same air as she was.

Kathryn looked into his eyes and saw something she hadn't seen in a long time, Chakotay's deep and abiding love for her. He was always so careful to hide his feelings because he respected her decision regarding their relationship and knew not to make her feel uncomfortable, but this morning his feelings were there in full view. She wondered why. "Hello, Chakotay. You're late for bridge duty, aren't you?"

"Yes, I am. I guess these double shifts are getting to me." He replied. He didn't know what to say next but he wanted to prolong the encounter, so he held the turbolift doors open. He missed her so much and he'd been so unsettled lately, just being able to rest his eyes on her and let his ears drink in that smoked whiskey voice of hers was a respite.

"Me too," she said with a little laugh. Spirits, he loved it when she laughed. "When will Joe be released back to active duty?" she asked.

"The day after tomorrow. As soon as he's back I'm going to let him wrestle with the engineering shift rotations for awhile." The turbolift doors beeped to remind him he was holding up the car and probably the whole system. He tugged on his ear, as was his habit when he was feeling a bit awkward and added, "Well, I better let you go get some sleep."

"Yes, and you better get to your duty station before the Captain puts you on report. I hear she's a real bitch." She added playfully.

He stepped into the turbolift as he said with a big grin, "I don't believe a word of it".

Chakotay found himself grinning the entire way to the bridge. He stepped briskly out of the turbolift, greeted Tuvok and accepted a padd with the security report on it from him, as he made his way down to the command area of the bridge to relieve Harry. "Good morning Harry, sorry I'm late." Chakotay said.

"No problem sir, I know you've been pulling a lot of double shifts and besides you know how much I like sitting in the big chair." Harry said as he started to rise from the captain's chair and proffered another padd to Chakotay, this one with the operations report on it.

Chakotay took the padd and motioned to Harry to remain seated. "Then keep sitting in it, Harry. I'm going to take these reports into the captain's ready room to read while I get some coffee and a little breakfast." Chakotay stopped at the conn and picked up the report from navigation from Pablo Baytart, then headed towards the ready room.

"Uh, sir?" said Harry a bit uncomfortably. "You're going to use the captain's replicator?"

"Yes, Harry," Chakotay turned back toward Harry and replied with a grin "I'm going to use her replicator but my rations. I'm brave, not foolhardy." Everyone but Tuvok laughed, he merely quirked an eyebrow.

May 16, 2378 0810 Kathryn's quarters

Kathryn hadn't realized how much she had missed Chakotay lately until their encounter at the turbolift. She was surprised at the way his presence had chased away her fatigue and the way his smile had made her feel like she was basking in the sun. She was due to relieve him from the bridge in 8 hours and she knew she should get some sleep, but a relaxing bath sounded more inviting than tossing and turning in her bed and trying to beat her pillow into submission. She started the bath water and added some bath salts, then began removing her uniform, before she got very far it dawned on her that reading some of the articles in the Star Fleet Gazette while soaking in her tub would be enjoyable, so she grabbed the padd from her beside table and put it near the tub while she finished getting undressed.

Kathryn sank into the tub and picked up her padd to begin reading. She had always had a definite pattern to reading the Gazette; before reading the main articles she read the Status Report column where mention was always made of promotions to captain or admiral, retirements, class reunions and the deaths of prominent members of Star Fleet. Items in the last two categories brought tears to her eyes. She had missed her 20th class reunion, but her classmates had offered a toast to her and her crew, and Boothby had died.

She wondered if Chakotay knew about Boothby's death. While all cadets knew Boothby and were fond of him, some cadets had special relationships with him. Boothby had given her roses for her quarters, however she always wondered if that wasn't because her father was an admiral, but Boothby had trained Chakotay to box. Training a young cadet to box certainly wasn't a part of a groundskeeper's normal duty. She wondered if he had always trained some of the cadets to box or if Chakotay had been a special project? Maybe she would bring the subject up the next time they talked, which better be soon - she was missing him terribly.

She moved on to the main articles in the Gazette, when she got to the one about the contraceptive boosters the scientist in her was intrigued but the woman in her was very shaken. She had always felt badly about keeping Chakotay at arms length while they were in the Delta quadrant but she felt it was necessary. She had her dreams of what their return to the Alpha quadrant would mean to them. In her favorite dream she sat in a rocking chair as a dark haired baby with bronze skin nursed at her breast, then she'd hear Chakotay's voice speaking her name and feel and see his bronze hand upon her shoulder. God, if this article was right her dreams might have no chance of coming true. Suddenly her heart felt more chilled than the water in her bath had become.

Kathryn got out of her bath and after drying off slipped into her favorite peach nightgown. She got under the covers of her bed and ordered the computer to turn the lights off. She lay in the darkness of her quarters and let the tears slide down her face as she tried to sort through her emotions and calm herself enough to sleep. When sleep finally claimed her it was not restful, for she, like Chakotay before her, had a disturbing dream.

Chakotay had no idea that a few decks below him Kathryn had read the same article that had so disturbed him and was now gripped by a nightmare. He was keeping himself busy with shift reports and the new duty roster. As long as he stayed in the ready room he felt close to Kathryn and that calmed him.

May 16, 2378 1500

When Kathryn awoke that afternoon about an hour before the shift change she was haunted by the dream she had had. Her memory of it was fragmentary at best and while seeing Tuvok in what amounted to a mental institution and seeing her older self at Chakotay's gravesite were profoundly distressing, what disturbed her most was a conversation with that older self in which she was informed that Chakotay would marry Seven of Nine. That would never happen! He would never forsake her and certainly not for Seven. He would know how that would hurt her and he would never be so cruel. But there was a nagging doubt, what if she couldn't have children? Would that be enough to make him seek out another woman? And if he did seek someone else out, would it be Seven? Seven, the beautiful young woman who was at the least her protégé and who she sometimes thought of as a daughter, was there something about her that would capture Chakotay's attention, his heart?

Kathryn shook herself out of her reverie and began getting dressed. She needed to be her normal self when she arrived on the bridge in just a few minutes. She would find a way to deal with all that she had read and felt this morning. She would simply apply her formidable intellect and willpower to the problem and make it go away. She sighed, right now she felt like facing the Vidiians or the Borg might be easier. She brushed her hair, put her pips on and headed for the bridge.

May 16, 2378 1540

Chakotay had just reentered the bridge from the ready room and relieved Ensign Kim as Kathryn emerged from the turbolift. He was surprised to see her, as it was only 1540 hours, it wasn't uncommon for her to show up a little early for a duty shift, maybe 5 or 10 minutes, but twenty minutes was uncommon. He wondered if she wanted to talk to him about something.

"Good afternoon" the captain said to everyone on the bridge. "Tuvok would you mind taking the bridge for a moment? I'd like to speak to Commander Chakotay in my ready room before the shift change."

"Of course captain." Tuvok replied as he stepped toward the command center.

Chakotay waited for the captain to reach him then followed her into the ready room. He wondered what she wanted to talk about? Had she maybe read THAT article?

After they entered the ready room Kathryn went directly to the replicator. "Chakotay, would you like something to drink?" She inquired.

"Sure, as I've got another 8 hours to do down in engineering better make it coffee" he said.

When she noticed that her account had more rations in it now than it did yesterday she asked, "Why do you do that?"

"Do what?" he asked a bit perplexed.

"Transfer replicator rations to my account" she answered sounding a little bit scolding.

"Because" he replied gently "I promised that your needs would come first."

"Oh Chakotay" she said, touched by what he'd just said. As she came over to sit on the couch near him, she handed him his cup of coffee - with cream and two sugars the way he liked it. She wondered why his feelings for her seemed so close to the surface today. And why she couldn't bring herself to reprimand him for the romantic things he was saying and doing.

When she didn't say anything more Chakotay decided he'd better remind her of why she asked him to come in to the ready room. "Kathryn, you wanted to talk to me about something?"

"Oh, yes there are a couple of things." She replied. "First, have you been working on the next duty roster?"

"Yes, I spent most of this shift doing just that," He answered. "Why do you ask?"

"Well I have a special request", she said as she toyed with her coffee cup.

"Yes?" Chakotay said in a way meant to prompt her to continue.

She put her coffee cup down and clasped her hands in front of her, she suddenly realized that what she was about to say was probably crossing that carefully constructed line of theirs but she just had to -

"Well, if you ever again have to schedule us both for double shifts, please don't schedule us so that our time off doesn't coincide. I've missed you terribly." Her voice almost cracked on the last sentence and her eyes were bright.

Chakotay reached out one of his large brown hands and encompassed both of hers. "I'll try to remember that next time." He said with a smile. "And Kathryn -"

"Yes Chakotay?" she said expectantly.

"I've missed you too, more than I should say," he replied in a tender voice.

Somehow the way he phrased his last comment almost brought Kathryn back to her normal reserved self, almost - until she thought of the next topic she wanted to discuss with him. If he didn't know about Boothby's death, how would he take the news? Maybe he did know and that's why he was acting so strangely. Then perhaps he too had read that disturbing article in the Gazette and that's why his feelings seemed so close to the surface. Or maybe it was simply his sister's letter that was affecting him. She'd meant to talk to him about it, but then the doctor's trouble with his holonovel came up, and then the Friendship One probe matter and all the double shifts started so there just hadn't been time. She suddenly realized she'd kept him sitting there for quite a while without saying anything, what must he be thinking?

As Kathryn sat lost in her thoughts Chakotay silently cursed himself for saying the right thing in the wrong way. Spirits, he had a talent for that when it came to dealing with Kathryn and their feelings for each other. Just as he was about to break the awkward silence Kathryn finally spoke.

"Chakotay, I was doing some recreational reading after my last shift - The Star Fleet Gazette." Kathryn began.

Chakotay felt his heart freeze in his chest. Was she going to discuss THAT article here, now? He couldn't, he wasn't ready for that conversation, not yet! He felt like he wanted to bolt from the room.

"And well I read something that I, well, I wondered if you knew or not?" she asked tentatively.

Chakotay forced himself to sit tight, stay calm and ask "About what?"

"Did you know Boothby died?" she asked gently.

At first he felt relieved that she wasn't asking about THAT article, but then what she said really sunk in. He shakily put his coffee cup down and walked to the view port. She let him stand there for a while then went up and stood behind him, placing her hand on his shoulder.

"I take it you didn't know." She said sympathetically.

"No, no I didn't know" he responded in a strained voice.

"I'm so sorry, Chakotay." She inwardly berated herself for bringing this up now while Chakotay still had a full shift in Engineering to stand. "I know he was someone very special to you".

"Yes, he was" he answered sadly. He remained silent for a while "I guess I thought he'd live forever." He finally added.

He leaned back against Kathryn and she wrapped her arms around him, offering him comfort for his loss. How long they stood there like that neither knew, but finally a jovial voice coming over the commline shattered the moment.

"Dalby to Chakotay, hey you gonna come down and relieve me or are you playing hooky today?" The disembodied voice said.

Chakotay pulled away from Kathryn and hit his commbadge.

"I'll be right down, Ken" he replied wearily.

"You better, wouldn't want someone to have to dish out some Maquis discipline towards your chin." Dalby added cheerfully before discontinuing the communication.

"Well", Chakotay said as he started for the ready room door, "looks like I better get down to engineering."

Janeway stopped him by placing a hand on his arm, turning him towards her. "Chakotay, if you want to talk -"

He gave her a wan smile, "Maybe later, I think for now I need some time alone."

"Okay" she said as he left.