Disarray – Sequel to Disintegration

I have only myself to blame, but it doesn't make any of these things easier. I've been back, what? A month, if that, and I've already ruined everything, my sister hates me, my old friends won't speak to me, and she... well right now I have a red hand print across my face and I'm stood shattered as I watch her chase after somebody who I've also just lost.

Why do I keep doing this? Why does everything have to be one huge pile of drama? I couldn't leave well enough alone, I had to come back to Bristol, I had to try and make things right, but when I got back I finally realised that the mistake I made three years earlier will never be rectified, I will never get back what I threw away, and I will be forever doomed to be alone.

But as I've said, I've only myself to blame.

I suppose you are all wondering the reasons as to why I have suddenly decided to come back after three years, you are probably wanting the reasons as to why I left so willingly in the first place, and they'll come. Soon.

****

Chapter One

"Why are you going back?" Carol, my counsellor, asks. Yes, I have a counsellor now. I'm a changed woman! It was actually my Aunt Sal's idea... thank god for her...

"I think I need to..." I start. "I'm finally at a place in my life where I feel like, myself. I've grown so much over the last three years being here that I think it's time I went back home, I can handle it, I'm stronger than ever"

"Is it because of Naomi?" Yeah, I told her everything, apparently I had to...

"Partly, I kept to my word, I haven't contacted her since I left... I miss her so much, still, even after all these years, surely that's a good thing"

"To you, maybe, but her..."

"I know..." I sigh, "I'm not going back expecting to be greeted with open arms, not at all, I know what I did, I understand why I did it and I've felt regret ever since I left that bathroom cubicle, and not just because I was caught in the act"

"Good"

"But I need to see her. I need to see what kind of person she's become. I can handle not having her, just about" I chuckle, "I understand that she hates me... but I just need to see her, even if it's from afar"

"Where are you going to stay?"

"Well Jimmy's got a place down in Bristol, I can't go home, that's for sure... So I'll probably stay with him" Oh, Jimmy is a guy I met at college up here, he's originally from London, his folks moved up here for a couple of years and then back down to Bristol.

"Have you asked?"

"Yeah, he's got his own apartment, he's happy with it all" I smile.

"That's good" She smiles. "You know, I'm going to miss our sessions"

"I bet you say that to everyone" I laugh,

"No, I mean it... you've come a really long way since I first met you Emily, I'm really proud of you" I grit my teeth nervously, "I know you'll do fine"

"I hope so"

"I know so" She stands up, holding her hand out, "If and when you come back up here you'll have to pop in and see me, let me know how everything is going"

"I sure will" I smile widely, grabbing her hand and shaking firmly, "Thanks, for everything"

"Anytime"

I leave, feeling a little morose, I never thought I'd get settled here.

My Aunt Sal has taught me some very valuable lessons. I took a lot for granted back in Bristol, a hell of a lot. I wouldn't say that I was spoiled by my parents... definitely not towards the end, but I wasn't exactly taught moral values.

Sal is extremely grounded, she doesn't believe in getting something for nothing. Everything I have in my room I've had to earn the money to buy. I've had to earn a living while also being at college simply to put clothes on my back.

Ok, that came out wrong... I'm not saying that Sal let me walk around in holey clothes, but basically if it was a necessity, I had to save up for it myself. I've bought my own car, sure it's a beat up piece of shit, but it gets me from A to B.

To earn the money for everything I took up a job in the local pub, first of all I was a waitress, and then when I turned 18 they made me a barmaid. Minimum wage job but extremely sociable. I'd work every night besides from Sunday's, which would be spent catching up on college work. Hell, even Derek, the landlord, would let me do college work behind the bar. I worked hard for everything I've got, and it's humbled me.

I finished college up here, earning a few degrees which I have absolutely no idea what to do with them, but hey, I'm only twenty-one. My close knit group of friends don't want me to leave. Aunt Sal definitely doesn't want me to, she's told me so on numerous occasions. I don't really want to leave, but I need to get out of my little bubble that I've created.

I need to right a few wrongs.

You will notice a slight change in me... How much so I'm not sure. I'm worried in fact, worried that leaving this little bubble I now call home will turn me back into my old wretched ways. But I also know that on the end of a phone is Sal, who literally will put the fear of God up my arse if I put a foot wrong.

I'm painting a lovely picture of my Aunt Sal aren't I?

In fact she's not like that at all. She just gives a shit about me. Therefore meaning she pushes me to be the best I can, and I appreciate that a hell of a lot. She's my mother, father and best friend, all rolled into one, I couldn't ask for a greater Aunt.

I leave the counselling building, walking into the bitter air. It may have been cold back in Bristol but it's fucking freezing up here, all the time! I'm in the open air constantly, it's not all built up like Bristol was, and living in a small village with only a shop and two pubs, forests and fields surround it, it takes twenty minutes to get anywhere with shops, cinemas, bars, clubs, and it takes even longer if I walk.

I love it here though, I am definitely a convert. I thought that I was a city girl, I loved being within walking distance of everything, but I suppose I have changed a lot.

The me from three years ago is a shadow, I no longer exist... I'm going to regret saying this, but I'm happy.

It took a while to get here, quite a few one night stands, hundreds of empty vodka bottles, tongue lashings from my aunt and finally a kick up the arse from her which sent me on this path.

It's almost as if I've been in rehab for three years and they are finally letting me out. Now I have to deal with the 'outside' world. See if I can cope. I hope I can cope.

My phone rings as I'm just getting into my car, I sit down, turning the beast on and cranking the heat up before answering, "So you're coming back?" Katie says, void of emotion,

"Yeah, I'm gonna have some dinner with Sal and then I'll be setting off"

"Why?"

"I need to Katie"

"If it's cause of her you're wasting your time" She's been like this for the last couple of years. The first year she would phone, text and even visit, but she's stopped doing all of those now. I miss her, but then why should I always make the effort... anyway she's become really close with Naomi now, I know, I died also when I heard.

"It's not just because of her, Katie..."

"Can't you see that she's moved on, she's got a boyfriend now"

"Boyfriend?" I can't help the pangs of jealousy I feel instantly,

"Yeah... she's happy for once"

"I'm glad" That she's happy...

"No you're not"

"What ever Katie, did you just ring me to have a go?"

"No, I wanted to see if it was true, Sal rang mum and told her"

"Yes, it's true"

"Can't you just stay up there?" She says quietly, "I know you're my sister and I do love you but nothing good is gonna come of you coming back"

"There is nothing you can do to stop me"

"I'm not telling her you're coming"

"Do what you want, but I will see her, whether you like it or not"

"You're not gonna fuck with her again are you?"

"No, Katie... I haven't spoken to her since I fucking left, I have a lot of explaining to do"

"She doesn't need it"

"I do!" I practically shout,

"Can't you think of someone other than yourself for a change... you fucked her up real bad Emily, real bad... I don't think she remembers the first six months after you left... I'm not going to let you waltz back into her life and screw her up, I won't let you"

"Whatever" I hang up. I could scream! That girl sure knows how to infuriate me! I haven't even set off and I'm already causing arguments.

I'm hella looking forward to this, yay!

I drive back to Sal's house. She's sitting out on the porch, a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and a fag in the other. It's still early so I'm assuming she's only just got up. I smile as I walk up to her, "Alright sweet" She greets me as she always does, "How was your last session?"

"It was ok" I smile, sitting down beside her, she wraps her arm round me,

"Can't you stay, just another week" She hugs me closer, "Please" I laugh,

"I'd love to, but I've gotta get this over and done with"

"I know" She lets me go, having a sip of her coffee she turns to me, "I've never said this to you before, but I'm really proud of you" I almost blush, before nudging her and laughing,

"Don't get all gooey on me"

"There you go, ruining another shining family moment, just your style" She laughs,

"Why change the habit of a lifetime" I shrug my shoulders,

"Well you've proved you can do just that" She takes a drag on her cigarette, "If you had seen the transformation that I've seen these past years you would be amazed"

"I know I've changed... but whether it's for the good is a different matter"

"Trust me, it's for the better... I'm sure your liver agrees"

"It has actually been twitching the last couple of days, maybe it knows I'm going back to the house party capital of Britain"

"I don't need to hear those things" She tosses her blonde curly hair behind her ear, her flawless skin almost shimmering in the dull sunlight. I wish I looked as good as her at 40. "Have you said your goodbyes?"

"Yeah, I had a few drinks last night with my friends and said bye to Derek"

"You thank him?" She says sternly,

"Yes, I thanked him for my car, my iPod, my phone and all my credit" She chuckles, "Oh, and my laptop"

"Good, I'm glad you haven't lost your manners"

"Living with you... never!" She smacks me, "Wait... the cane isn't anywhere near is it?" I stand up, preparing to run,

"Hey, I have never hit you with a cane!" She protests, "I'm not that strict!"

"I know, I'm only joking"

"Cheeky bitch" She stands up, flicking her burnt out cig onto the lawn and putting her cup on the railing, "Come here" She motions with her hand as well, her arms wrap around me and I'm filled with happiness once again.

There are certain people who give you this exact feeling when they hug you, a feeling of safety, happiness and love. I feel so complete when I'm with her. It's almost as if she is my parent... we act the same, we think the same, hell we even look a little alike.

My aunt over my mum? Any day.

"Right, go get showered and packed and I'll cook your favourite for dinner, you'll need a decent meal in you it's quite a journey" I kiss her on the cheek,

"Thanks Sal" I run off inside, taking my time as I get in.

She started early, having both her kids at 18 and 20, so they've moved out and are living their own lives, but her house is almost a shrine to them. She is definitely proud of her children. Rightly so too.

She's been a single parent almost as soon as Sam was born. His father left almost immediately. They got back together though and had Ella, but he left shortly after, wanker. Sal worked three jobs to give them the best she could, she put both of them through university, Ella is still there, Sam graduated last year, he's now working at a hospital in Hull.

Sal is a real inspiration, she's my hero. When I rang three years ago and asked to stay, I explained that I was having a bad time, there was no hesitation she accepted straight away. I was a shit to her in the beginning, coming home drunk early in the morning, I even brought a girl home on a couple of occasions. But she never gave up, she put me into counselling, sorted college out for me and helped me get the job at the local pub. She saved me, and I'll be forever grateful.

Needless to say, having to leave here is going to leave a hole in my heart. I'm going to struggle, I know this, there's going to be tension, there's going to be arguments and most definitely tears.

But as I've said, I've a few wrongs to right, and I will right them, no matter how long it takes and how hard it is...

************

It's a little slow at starting, but I had to have some form of background for the previous three years that she's been missing from Bristol, I know it's brief but I also know how anxious most of you will be for when she finally sees Naomi again... and the circumstances surrounding that encounter, will start writing it now so it will be up in the next day or two.

Hope I don't disappoint, comments and reviews are always welcome!