Half-breeds and Blood-suckers and Wolves, Oh My!

This is a Spoof of Twilight Series—Not for hardcore fans

Bella married Edward in a fancy wedding she hated but pretended to enjoy because it was what he wanted. She had a wonderful honeymoon where he showed her how much he loved her by tearing up pillows and breaking their bed.

When she returned her ex-best friend Jacob was extremely pissed off because he stupidly loved her even though she did not love him. He begged her to leave her husband and become a wolf girl but she denied his request yet again.

She soon fund out she was pregnant and Edward was very upset (he did not want his children to be ugly nor clumsy like his wife). Because the baby was a half-vampire, he was very strong and punched a hole through his loving mother's uterus to get out. Bella bled to death and Edward bonded with his new baby daughter as they drank Bella's blood.

Jacob cried and cried over the loss of his true love and best friend. He phased into a wolf and ran all the way to Boston. Once he got there Jacob met a lovely girl, who was actually his age and much pretty and smarter. Her name was Meg. He fell in love and they dated and when they were twenty they got married. Jacob forgot all about Bella, her vampire family and even Bella's half-breed daughter.

He lived happily with Meg, they lived in Boston where he was a mechanic and she owned a bakery. One day a surprise visitor dropped in on them. It was Edward. His daughter, who because she was half-vampire grew to about age seventeen in five years and was going to be seventeen forever, apparently had been sleeping with Embry. Edward was furious that Nessie had had ex without being married and was with a wolf, their mortal enemies.

Edward begged Jacob to help him, for old time's sake. Edward was desperate and pleaded with Jacob to help him. Jacob only laughed and told him he should be pleased his daughter at least had more sense than her idiot mother.

Edward cried and ran away. Jacob smiled. He and Meg and had five children and never heard from the blood-suckers ever again.

The End

A/N: Ok so sorry if this offended anybody, but really, have a sense of humor! It's just a joke I wrote this really quickly just because Twilight/New Moon was pissing me off. Bella is so stupid and Edward is such an overprotective idiot and Jacob deserves SO much better (aka Meg aka Me) and this just kind of popped out.