The JLA Christmas Party
The Place - Justice League HQ
The Time - 7:48 PM, Christmas Eve
The Event - JLA Christmas Party
Superman: I just want to thank everyone for coming this evening. Let's all do our best to have a good time and enjoy the celebration.
As Superman finishes his speech, the heroes start to mingle. Some go to the bar, while others dance, while other go to the buffet.
Batman (pouring himself some beer):You fellas just don't understand the trouble of having a kid sidekick.
Plastic Man: What do you mean, Bats? Is the Boy Wonder giving you a hard time?
Batman: He's just so ungrateful. He's been skipping school and losing all the batarangs I've given him. The little shit doesn't realize that those things cost money. The other day, I caught him showing all of his school friends the Bat Cave. The fuckers got into everything. Alfred's still trying to get the gum out of the computers.
Guy Gardener: Aw hell. He's just a damn kid. Cut him some slack, Brucie.
Batman: Don't call me Brucie. Last week, we were fighting Catwoman. She invited me to her place for a little "one on one" if ya catch my drift. I tell Tim to go home. Well later, I caught the little fucker on Catwoman's balcony videotaping us. Before I could catch the asshole, he posted us on the fuckin' Internet!
Flash: Oh yeah. On CatLicksBat dot com, that was awesome!
Batman: Fuck you, Wally.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the bar, Atom, Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter, and Snapper Carr were sitting at the table watching Wonder Woman dance by herself.
Atom: I think the Princess has had one too many beers.
Snapper: Yeah, but just watch her move.
Green Lantern: Look at how them titties just bounce up and down. Don't you just wanna stick your face in there and die happy?
Martian Manhunter: No, that wouldn't do anything for me.
Snapper: You're gay, aren't you, J'onn?
Martian: No, I am a martian. Earth women just don't turn me on.
Snapper: What if she was green?
Lantern: And looked like Gumby?
Martian: No.
Atom: Yup, you're gay.
Meanwhile, Superman, Booster Gold, and Blue Beetle are at the buffet table eating.
Beetle: So, Supes, how's married life treating ya?
Superman: Well, it's okay, I guess.
Booster: You sure don't sound positive.
Superman: I just thought it'd be different. Lois keeps saying she's not satisfied, you know, in the s-e-x department.
Beetle: You can't do everything faster then a speeding bullet, y'know. Some things, you gotta take your time with. (Beetle and Booster bust out laughing)
Superman (blushing):It's not just that. She wants to know where I am all the time. She makes me carry a darn beeper. She hates Wonder Woman. (beeper goes off) Oh darn it all! (Beetle and Booster continue laughing, making jokes and whip noises)
At another table, several members are talking to a short man in a strange costume.
Hawkman: Hey, pal, this is a members-only party. You are going to have to leave.
Firestorm: Wait a sec, Hawk. Are you sure he isn't a member? There are so many of us, I can't keep track no more.
Black Canary: Who are you, stranger?
Man: I am the mighty Ass Pirate.
Hawk: Never heard of you.
Green Arrow: Hey! Does anyone here know the Ass Pirate?
Atom: Yeah, it's J'onn J'onzz, the Martian Manhunter. (laughter)
Martian: I AM NOT GAY!
Ass Pirate: I wanna join the Justice League
Aquaman: I don't think so, Ass-Monkey.
Ass Pirate: Um, that's Pirate, Ass Pirate.
Aquaman: Whatever, Nancy. We got enough people.
Ass Pirate: Well why can't I join?
Red Tornado: We don't know anything about you.
Ass Pirate: Well my name is Richard Smoker, but my friends call me Dick.
Batman: Dick Smoker?
Snapper: Hey, J'onn!
Martian: I AM NOT GAY, GODDAMN YOU!
Captain Marvel: What powers do you have?
Ass Pirate: Well, I have super suction powers.
Booster (laughing):J'onn!
Martian: Fuck you, Earth Asshole.
Ass Pirate: I can give mouth-to-mouth resusitation.
Hawkman: Not on me, Captain Ass Fuck.
Ass Pirate (sobbing): IT'S ASS PIRATE! YOU SUPER HEROES ARE SO MEAN!!
Ass Pirate runs away crying while the JLA laugh and make jokes. As the Ass Pirate exits, a man in a red suit enters.
Superman: Hey look, everyone, Santa is here!
Zatanna: Who's going to sit on his lap first?
Batman: J'onn will! (lots of laughter)
Martian: Very fuckin' funny, Earth bitch. You can all kiss my green martian ass.
And so ends another Justice League of America Christmas party.