Title: Itchy Issues
Author: Scarbie
Game: Metal Gear Solid 3
Rating: PG-13 (for language and potty humor)
Genre: Parody
Summary: Snake encounters problems (mainly those stupid scientists) while searching for Raikov.
"Major, I'm in the Groznyj Grad Weapons Lab," Snake said as he surveyed the area, making sure to avoid the guards.
"Good. You should fit in well wearing that scientist uniform. And please take off that black face paint!"
Snake touched a finger to his cheek and then looked at it. There was indeed a black smudge. "Oh. Good looking out, Major."
On the airship, Major Zero looked heavenward. "Sometimes I wonder about him," he said wearily.
The auburn haired woman sitting in front of him laughed. "Don't you think he should get rid of that bandana too? It doesn't look very academic."
The Major put a hand on her shoulder. "With Snake, we need to take things one step at a time."
Of course Snake didn't hear his support team doubting his mental abilities. He was in the first floor restroom removing the alarming face paint. When he saw his tanned face in the mirror he realized there was something missing. Reaching into the white lab coat's pocket he found the most vital piece of his disguise. The glasses.
He put them on with much care as if he could bend the thick black plastic out of shape. When he took another look at himself he was satisfied with what he saw. "Looking good, Jack. Looking smart," he thought.
Snake was about to retie his headband when a guard walked into the washroom. He froze for a split second and then turned on the faucet and washed his hands for a second time. "No CIA spies here. Just a guard and a scientist in the men's room," he thought.
The guard gave Snake a brief glance and headed towards the urinals. The spy almost wanted to sigh in relief but the guard backtracked. The Russian man spotted something in that brief glance he didn't like. He stepped closer to Snake.
"What's that shit in your ear?" The guard asked pointing at the ear that held the receiver to Snake's radio.
Snake had to use his years of CIA training to get out of this situation. Several scenarios came to his mind. Should he just off the guard and stuff him in the stall? Should he break the guards neck but make it look like a slip and fall? They were in a washroom after all with plenty of water and when he first entered he spotted a wet floor sign in the corner. It only took about four seconds to come up with all the scenarios.
For his support team, those four seconds seemed like an eternity. Snake went with something even simpler.
"WHAT? I can't hear you. Let me turn this up."
"I asked what was in your ear!" The guard yelled.
"Oh, you got diarrhea?" Snake shook his head sympathetically. "That's bad! You better hurry!"
The Russian realized that it was a hearing aid in the scientist's ear. He figured the spectacled man had been near rocket engines too long.
"Just forget it." The guard made his way to the row of urinals and then thought better of being in the restroom with the off kilter scientist. He decided to leave and come back later.
Snake wiped his forehead with the bandanna then retied it. He kept the thing on a whim. It could possibly be considered naive but the Boss's old accessory seemed to be bringing him luck.
"That was a close one, Snake! Great job diverting the guard's suspicions!" The espionage agent ducked his head in an "Aw, shucks" manner.
"Major, I have removed the face paint," Snake said with a sense of accomplishment.
"Good, Snake," Zero enthused, "Now you must find Raikov and obtain his uniform.
"You know where he might be?"
Major Zero could only stand so much hand holding and was starting to lose his patience. "He's in there somewhere, Snake. Why don't you call EVA?"
This sounded like a great idea to Snake. It would give him an excuse to call the mysterious and beautiful blonde. He reached into his coat and turned the radio's dial to frequency 142.52.
"I see you've made it to the laboratory."
"Hi, EVA," the grown man said dreamily. Even though the former NSA codebreaker's breasts were out of sight they were not out of his mind.
"You have to get Major Raikov's uniform," she said, keeping the conversation on the most relevant information.
"Everyone keeps telling me that. Where can I find him?"
There was a scoff on EVA's end. "He should be around there… somewhere on the east wing."
Snake took a deep breath and counted to three. "That narrows things down but could you be a little more specific?"
"You've seen the pictures. He should be easy to spot. Especially since his hair is long."
"Yeah, what's going on with that? It's regulation to have your hair cut above the collar, yet he can go around looking like a Russian hippy."
Eva tried to think of a way to phrase it subtlety. "Well, there are certain benefits that come with his position."
Snake nodded. "Yeah, but he's a Major, same as plenty of other soldiers around here."
"You just don't understand."
In a soft voice Snake said, "Help me understand."
"Do you really think now is a good time to try to hit on me?" EVA asked, somewhat annoyed.
That didn't go over nearly as well as Snake thought it would, considering she flirted with him all the time. She made him so confused.
Snake cleared his throat and said, "No, I wasn't trying to hit on you. I just don't see why he can get away with things another soldier would get chewed out about. And I still don't understand why he has Colonel class clearance!"
"You really don't get it, do you?" Eva remarked.
Snake not liking being held in ignorance decided to change the subject.
"So where can I find him?"
He heard Eva 'hmmm' in thought.
"I'll have to think about that for a moment."
A moment passed.
"So where can I find him?" Snake asked again.
"Snake, do you really have to take things so literally? He likes poetry," she said. The last bit of info was more like thinking out loud than a statement.
"And I like ham sandwiches. How does that info help me?" Snake asked, still feeling sore about being considered slow.
EVA rolled her eyes and while Snake couldn't see it he knew she was irritated by her response.
"In case you haven't noticed, there is a library on the first floor."
Snake was so relived to hear some concrete information. "Now we're getting somewhere! Thanks, EVA!" He clicked the radio off.
With his great disguise he should have no problem in the library. He looked so smart!
Snake strolled into the library. His walk was filled with a confidence that a man has when he knows that he can kick ass. This aura around him would get him spotted time after time! There were two real scientists in the room; a small, weedy, and balding man near the front and a taller man browsing through bookshelves along the left wall. The other men in the small library had confidence also but of a different sort. They knew that they were among the most brilliant minds in the Soviet Union if not the world. But this type of confidence wouldn't hold up in a fist, knife, or gunfight.
"Where's the damn poetry section," Snake fumed as he prowled the room.
When Snake entered the library, the man at the front eyed him momentarily and went back to flipping through a dense book. Snake thought, "Just us nerds." His disguise was so good and he continued to search haphazardly.
"Can I help you?" An eager voice asked.
Snake turned around and saw that it was the smaller scientist.
"I was looking for a particular volume of poetry."
The scientist expected Snake to be looking for a volume that pertained to the work being done on the Shagohad.
The scientist pursed his lips and said, "The poetry section is in the back but I don't know when you'll have time to read it."
"I know! Equations this. Propulsion that. Where does the time go?" Snake said and chuckled. You couldn't just put on a disguise. You had to live it!
On the airship, Sigint mouthed, "What the hell?"
Major Zero and Para-medic could only groan at Snake's idea of intellectual small talk.
Snake's conversation partner laughed for a bit also but then his face darkened. "The propulsion system of the Shagohad is my area of expertise. I work directly under Dr. Sokolov and I don't remember seeing you at any of the meetings." The scientist started backing away slowly.
Snake scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "Yeah, I have to stop oversleeping." Maybe he could still salvage the situation.
The smaller man scrutinized Snake further, taking in the man's thick beard, full head of hair, clear blue eyes, and what appeared to be an extremely fit body underneath the white lab coat. The man before him was no scientist!
"Who are you?" the man whimpered. "Guards! Guards!"
The other scientist hearing the commotion dashed to a red box affixed on the wall and pushed a button. A klaxon sounded, making all the guards aware that there was an intruder in their midst. Snake roughly shoved the scientist out of the way and ran out of the room. He remembered seeing a few guards outside. Maybe he could sneak past them.
"Guards! Guards! Hurry! He's in here!" The scientist yelled as he jumped around and pointed in Snake's direction.
Maybe not.
Snake desperate to get away resorted to desperate measures. In a blink of an eye, he took off the lab coat and grabbed a stun grenade. As he pulled the pin and threw it in the direction of the oncoming guards he thought frantically of what he could do. One idea that was prominent was heading back to the bathroom. It wasn't that the situation made him want to shit his pants.
When the stun grenade emitted its blinding flash, Snake ran into the restroom. The urinals weren't his goal but the solitary stall he spotted when washing his face earlier. As he approached the door it opened automatically.
"Of all the doors to make motion sensitive," Snake groused. He dimly wondered how a man was supposed to get privacy when they were taking a dump. He tried to think of a way to secure the door. But that would only arouse more suspicion. He had to think of something.
As he looked around the large stall he heard the door to the men's restroom opening and the sound of booted footsteps. Snake's mind kicked into high gear. He only had a few moments to come up with something. He managed to escape disaster once in this bathroom he could do it again. This made him think back to how he avoided exposure earlier and this combined with his concern over general privacy provided him with a good plan. Now it was time to put it into action.
"Oh god, I shouldn't have eaten that beef stroganov. I don't know which end to put over the toilet!" Snake said in perfectly accented yet anguished Russian. He heard the footsteps come to a halt then proceed closer and closer. Snake did the only thing he could think of…
Make disgusting sound effects. Snake held a hand tightly over his mouth and blew air into it. "Oh, I think this is the big one!" He dug into his backpack and pulled out a spoiled otton frog. "Damn! It's a shame that this went to waste. I love these!" he thought.
The CIA agent hovered the dead amphibian about 6 inches off the toilet then dropped it in. It made a loud a loud 'plop' sound. "Oh god!" Snake moaned in agony.
Major Zero and his team continued to monitor Snake's progress.
"He doesn't always come off as the sharpest knife in the drawer but he is resourceful!" Zero sideways complemented the agent.
Para-Medic rested her head on her hand but couldn't suppress the smile.
"That fool is crazy!" Sigint said.
Back in the stall, Snake advertised how bad things were. "You don't want to come in here for another… fifteen… twenty minutes," he said in pained tones.
This made everyone on the airship laugh.
The guard's footsteps were heard rapidly retreating. Snake not only averted disaster but he bought himself a significant amount of time. One of the guards grazed his arm during the shootout and there was quite a bit of bleeding. Snake quickly treated it the way Para-Medic instructed.
Going back into the library and waiting for Raikov to show up was no longer a realistic course of action. Snake cautiously left the confines of the bathroom stall and made his way up the stairway. Hopefully he would have better luck on the second floor.
TBC